Children giving parents money

[Asherz]

This is more of a question for you older couples, but any input is welcome.

What do you think about children giving parents money? My parents have fallen on a financial rough patch lately, and I'd like to help them out, but I'm afraid they'd get upset having their child help them out like that.

So how would you feel if your children offered to help out?

I have a few problems:

1. I really don't know how much they need, and they wouldn't ever tell me. I think they're going to be a couple hundred bucks short this month, but I'm not really sure.

2. If they're not short and are just nervous about having a cushion, I'm afraid my mom will just spend the money on something frivolous, which is partly why they're in this position in the first place.

So here are some of the things I've thought of doing. Which do you think would be best?

1. Just give them a check for a couple hundred with a thanks for raising me so well card or something.

2. Buy some gift certificates for grocery shopping and claim that my DH's work passed them out, and since we don't shop there, we'll forget about them and they'll go to waste. They do this periodically anyway. I don't think I could swing more than $50 w/o it being obvious what I'm doing. They need way more than that for groceries.

3. Find their electric bill, pay it, and write paid with a little smiley in their ledger.

4. Just treat them to a nice dinner so they can get out, relax, and forget about their troubles for awhile.

What do ya'll think? Thanks!

 

[WolfGate]

My parents don't have money. Never did. Didn't earn a lot of income when they were working, and never figured out how to live without getting into debt.

I haven't given them money straight up, but I have bought them a car (used, paid for with cash), loaned them a third car we had for a while, gotten them gift cards to restaurants, that type of thing. Was a way of making sure they had both essentials and some luxuries without them blowing money to get them.

 

[KittyCatCurledUp]

You know your parents the best, so if you think they would spend money frivolously or be embarrassed that you offered, the discount idea or clandestine paying of bills is the way to go!

I guess this is a rant, since I am sure that your parents are nothing like this, but dh and I are dealing with an out of control version of what you describe where his family is completely taking advantage of him. They have several lines of credit in dh's name that we will be liable for and on which there is a staggering balance. We were recently asked to cosign for well over half a million dollars or they would lose their house. That was a complete no-no, thankfully. Plus they found a temporary solution on that, also thankfully. (Compulsive spending, gambling, with everyone in the household refusing to get a job got them to this point.) He has offered to help them manage their money and organize / prioritize their bills, but they completely snubbed that offer. However they constantly ask him to put his name all over their finances. And they pull every guilt trip in the book.

Ok, end of rant. If you are nervous about where the money is going -- pay some important bills secretly. That is an excellent idea, which we do sometimes so they don't actually catch on that we are giving them money.

 

[LivingHope]

This is a toughie, my inlaws are big spenders, lots of debt, etc... my FIL ONCE had to ask my husband for $500, but JUST until the following week. He was more than happy to give it to him, but I KNOW my FIL and I KNOW he was embarrassed to have to ask (which is precisely why we never told anyone, my FIL isnt even aware that I know about it)

I would pay a bill secrectly. and by secretly, I mean that they would never know who paid it, not even an inclination unless they asked me outright if I paid it. I def, wouldnt get into a lying situation about the gift card being given to you, even if the intent is good.

 

[Andry]

I give my parents and in-laws money on a regular basis. It's part of our culture, although they don't "expect" it. Funny thing is, they don't "need" it either, so what they do with it is none of my business. I know my parents are going on their third cruise this May, and all I can say is, all the best to them.

 

[Asherz]

Thank you all for your advice.

I think I may just secretly pay a bill or two here and there, but I'm not sure yet. My mom does the bills and I'm pretty sure she'll know it was me.

KittyCat, I fear the situation your husband is in. I don't want my family members to become dependent on me like that. They all make fairly decent money and are smart enough to figure out how to spend it, they just choose to spend the absolute max they can. The moment an emergency comes up, they fall flat on their faces. We paid my brother's car payment last month. That really was an emergency, well, sort of. His wife's way of telling him she wanted a divorce was to clean out their checking account and leave. However, had they made their last payment, he wouldn't have been in as deep. I don't want them thinking that no matter what happens, I'll be able to bail them out. There's just no guarantee I'll be in a situation to do so.

Ugh, now I'm really not sure if I should or not. I hate to see them in this situation, but I'm afraid I'm just enabling them.

 

[Exiled]

Hi
I like the ideas of giving a gift card from the local grocery store or paying a utility bill for your parents the best. Those gifts are a little easier for people to accept when compared to receiving cash gifts. I think this is an extremely thoughtful gesture on your part!

 

[KittyCatCurledUp]

They all make fairly decent money and are smart enough to figure out how to spend it, they just choose to spend the absolute max they can. The moment an emergency comes up, they fall flat on their faces.

You know them better than anyone: do you think dependence would be an issue with them? Maybe it would be a good idea before doing anything to set some boundaries -- decide in advance what you are and aren't willing to do going forward. What sort of demands would be over the line for you.

We paid my brother's car payment last month. That really was an emergency, well, sort of. His wife's way of telling him she wanted a divorce was to clean out their checking account and leave.

Is paying their bills in an emergency a fairly regular thing for you? Do they call things emergencies that really aren't? (I don't mean to read too much into your post. The way you said "this really was an emergency, well sort of" implied to me that there were times when it really *wasn't* an emergency. I don't mean to be picky or paranoid, but my inlaws do this all the time. The car breaks down, it's an emergency, fine. But then the XBox breaks and that is also just as much of an emergency.)

So -- having a clear notion of your limits is really important if you are nervous about a dependency problem. Because there is a point where they have to take some responsibility too....!

(I really hope you don't think I am being overly harsh or pessimistic. I don't mean to be but my experiences in this matter have been a bit on the extreme side.)

 

[Asherz]

In the short term, I'm worried about my brother. He always went to mom and dad for money, and now they can't help him out. I'm afraid if he sees me helping my parents, he'll come to me. In fact he already has several times, and I've turned him down except for that one car payment. He just doesn't spend his money wisely. He has to have the coolest cell phone, the most expensive plan, he has two or three computers, bought an expensive car, and sinks a lot of money into expensive clothes. After worrying about the extras, he looks at his bank account, realizes he has no money for the essentials and goes looking for a handout.

I'm not as worried about my parents in the short term, but as far as I know they haven't saved for retirement. I think they were planning to sell their house, relocate, buy a much smaller one, and use whatever was left over. That doesn't even look like an option for them now. Lately my mom has been hinting about moving in with my husband and I when she retires. She found out that my insurance allows for elder dependent care, and I can't help but think that's her new plan. This is not okay. At all. I love my parents, but I am not living with them for the next twenty years of my life.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

It all depends on the relationship between parent and child.

We plan on giving my in-laws a car as soon as we can. I know they would accept and it not be an issue between them and us. However, it could very well strain the already non existent relationship between my husband and his siblings.

 

[KittyCatCurledUp]

In the short term, I'm worried about my brother. He always went to mom and dad for money, and now they can't help him out. I'm afraid if he sees me helping my parents, he'll come to me. In fact he already has several times, and I've turned him down except for that one car payment. He just doesn't spend his money wisely. He has to have the coolest cell phone, the most expensive plan, he has two or three computers, bought an expensive car, and sinks a lot of money into expensive clothes. After worrying about the extras, he looks at his bank account, realizes he has no money for the essentials and goes looking for a handout.

I'm not as worried about my parents in the short term, but as far as I know they haven't saved for retirement. I think they were planning to sell their house, relocate, buy a much smaller one, and use whatever was left over. That doesn't even look like an option for them now. Lately my mom has been hinting about moving in with my husband and I when she retires. She found out that my insurance allows for elder dependent care, and I can't help but think that's her new plan. This is not okay. At all. I love my parents, but I am not living with them for the next twenty years of my life.

Have you tried referring them to Greenpath? They offer financial counseling services to teach people how to manage their money. You could offer to go with them for support. Hopefully your brother can learn to cut back on the luxuries, but you are going to have to continue the firm stand that you have been taking. Saying no can be the most heartwrenching thing, but sometimes it has to be done so you don't get walked all over. I see you are married -- what does your husband think?

It is never easy and is emotionally draining sometimes. Feel free to PM me if you'd like!

 

[tp65]

If we are able, without any debt incurring, we would help them out. However, both sets of parents are very frugal and money-wise. I would do whatever I could for them and be glad to do it. I like the idea of paying for the necessities and also having some boundaries ahead of time. I would never help out with a luxury such as a bigger home, expensive car, etc....that would not be a help but a hand-out. If you would be enabling a spending spree then I wouldn't do it but you do know them better than anyone. Taking them out for dinner once in a while is simply a nice, loving gesture. We do that as often as possible.

Sorry you have been put in a tough position, hope it works out well. What does your dh say?

 

[Asherz]

My DH is fine helping them out now and then, but he doesn't want to be in a position where we feel guilted into doing it.

 

[rainbowpromises]

For my mom I have

• given her gift certificates for groceries
• sent her a box of health food store dry goods (she is on a wheat free diet)
• paid for her car repairs and allow her to pay me back when she can (I know she never will, but it makes her feel good to put a little in my bank account once in a while)

I would never do these without telling her the truth. If I wanted to do it anonymously, I would contact her pastor and do it through her church.

 

[tp65]

Good ideas rainbowpromises!!

 

[DIANAC]

I trully understand your apprehension. We, in the same way, for years were trying to help my in-laws. It takes wisdom (pray for), and do it in the way that honors them. When my FIL was alive, we were not able to help them in any way. After he passed away, my MIL was more receptive.
First of all talk to your mother (I know it's hard) and ask her how can you help them. She might surprise you.
Options that we used are:
Call the cable/electric/telephone companies and ask them how you can pay their bills and just send them checks to be deposited on their account,
Grocery store gift certificate (my SIL used that). Do not tell them that your husband got them at work,
Giving my MIL cash towards her medications.

Just give them a check for a couple hundred with a thanks for raising me so well card or something.

I would not do that.

You can still treat them to dinner. But before you do anything, just talk to them, or maybe your mom only.
Be well,
Diana

 

[Nobility]

Find their electric bill, pay it, and write paid with a little smiley in their ledger.

That would be great... and if God prompts you to give more (seriously pray before you do this, give up to the amount you feel to give) give it.

My parents have received amounts like 5000 in the past for vehicle repairs, and it was the exact right amount.

 

[tigercub]

My mum is really no worse off than we are, but last year I knew she needed a new fridge, and cash was tight as is was just before hristmas, so we bought her a flash new fridge. Things like that are ok in our family. I don't think mum would just accept handouts.

 

[Asherz]

I trully understand your apprehension. We, in the same way, for years were trying to help my in-laws. It takes wisdom (pray for), and do it in the way that honors them. When my FIL was alive, we were not able to help them in any way. After he passed away, my MIL was more receptive.
First of all talk to your mother (I know it's hard) and ask her how can you help them. She might surprise you.

Money was not ever something that was discussed around us kids while growing up. Even now it's not, and I only know what's going on because my sister happened to overhear one of their conversations the other night.

My parents are opposites when it would come to offering help. I know that if I just brought it up, they would refuse, tell me to save up, and not to worry.

If I brought some extra gift certificates, my dad would think that was the coolest thing ever, but if I were to offer to pay for something he would decline.

If I offered the gift certificates to my mom she would tell me that I should use them and then insist we go shopping that very moment to figure out what to spend them on. She does the bills, so if I were to just pay a few bills and leave a little note, I know she would accept it and not say anything. If I were to offer it directly, she would refuse.

Ugh, sometimes I wish my family would communicate.

Anyway, I found some of the leftover gift cards from my DH's Christmas party. I think I might just leave them by the phone and if they need them bad enough, I'm sure they'll use them.

 

[jessesgirl]

Didn't read all the responses...but my DH's parents are ministers w/5 children and 2 grandbabies that they practically support. My hubby is the oldest and is an Aerospace Engineer. The very first thing he did when he started his new job after graduating was buy a VW beetle for his mom to drive back and forth to school in (she goes to school over an hour away and is finishing her teaching degree). We pay the payments every month and they pay toward the monthly payment when they can. We get $100 here and there, sometimes $200...but it has been understood all along that he doesn't expect anything for it...it is simply to help them get to a better place. They don't take advantage of it and after we got married, I certainly didn't mind. His mindset all along was to get a good job so he could take care of his family. He lived at home until we got married and drive 4 hours a day to and from work so he could be at home to help out with bills and the other kids and such. Now, a year after we got married, his dad is working a full-time job along with pastoring and his mom will graduate this may with her teaching certification. Hubby played a big role in this, though you will never convince him of it.

I guess I said all that to say this: If you can give to your parents without them taking advantage of it or your hurting their pride, then do it. Otherwise, why not do it anonymously? I am sure there are ways...