**triggering topics below dealing with verbal and mental abuse and possibly SA***
For the longest time I’ve made excuses for things that have happened in my life. I’ve blocked certain memories out and told myself I didn’t need therapy.
When I was 20 my beloved grandmother passed away. Up until then I had never had anxiety, or so I thought, until I experienced my first panic attack during the months I had left with grandma.
After this I believed all the trauma I had as a child was forcing itself out after the final straw of losing her. About a decade later, after Covid, multiple deaths and bad circumstances, my anxiety seems to not be managed by my meds anymore. I’ve called out to God asking him to help me figure out why all this is coming out and to just heal my mind without me knowing to the true extent of my abuse.
I learned today that I can’t just keep ignoring it and that if I want to heal I need to acknowledge the trauma and work with God to help heal me.
I’ve always had flash backs to family drunken fights that happened in front of me. From screaming, yelling, and sometimes physical. I never had the brunt of it and as far as I remember was never at the end of that abuse, but I was little and saw it all for as long as I can remember. Saw it happening to the people in the house with me. I blamed it on the fact of the abuser having an illness that couldn’t be cured rather then realizing that they were responding to that illness selfishly and not Godly. They were angry with God for their illness. This abuse lasted up to adulthood.
I hardly remember anything from my elementary years. I even forgot all about God. Hadn’t had any kind of relationship with him. Then middle school came, during a calm moment in my family, and I got to know God again. Felt bad that I had forgotten Him, but started growing in faith again.
High school started and the abuse train was back. Drinking family fights and having to go to school the next morning like all was well. Life continued this way for many years into my adulthood and it still triggers me to see this person drink. They aren’t bad like they used to be and in a much better spot spiritually again but it still triggers me.
It wasn’t until recently where I started questioning random memories of me being aroused as a child. I hadn’t ever thought of this until recently. As if this is the next area to work on. I have flashes of memory of being aroused in situations where I shouldn’t even know what arousal was. I believe as young as 6 is my first memory. Seeing sex on tv and being aroused. Taking naps with my dolls head in my pants. Being aroused by scantly clad women on posters in a cousins room. Figuring out ways to bring myself to “release” with stuffed animals. Making my dolls have sex. All of this I can’t understand because I have no memory of being molested or raped. But I know a child doesn’t develop behavior like this on their own. I started reading Fan fiction Around 6th grade. It started innocent enough until I discovered NC17. Reading inappropriate content evolved to watching it. It’s been something I’ve struggled with ever since.
I’ve never discussed this with anyone. Too ashamed of how I’ve acted on these feelings being so young and now knowing I shouldn’t have even known what sex was. This is my first time typing this out and already I’m feeling better just getting this out there. Hopefully this will help in my healing through God by acknowledging that something had to have happened to bring a child so young to have arousal and act on it. I had started to even using it as a coping mechanism. As an escape.
For the longest time I’ve made excuses for things that have happened in my life. I’ve blocked certain memories out and told myself I didn’t need therapy.
When I was 20 my beloved grandmother passed away. Up until then I had never had anxiety, or so I thought, until I experienced my first panic attack during the months I had left with grandma.
After this I believed all the trauma I had as a child was forcing itself out after the final straw of losing her. About a decade later, after Covid, multiple deaths and bad circumstances, my anxiety seems to not be managed by my meds anymore. I’ve called out to God asking him to help me figure out why all this is coming out and to just heal my mind without me knowing to the true extent of my abuse.
I learned today that I can’t just keep ignoring it and that if I want to heal I need to acknowledge the trauma and work with God to help heal me.
I’ve always had flash backs to family drunken fights that happened in front of me. From screaming, yelling, and sometimes physical. I never had the brunt of it and as far as I remember was never at the end of that abuse, but I was little and saw it all for as long as I can remember. Saw it happening to the people in the house with me. I blamed it on the fact of the abuser having an illness that couldn’t be cured rather then realizing that they were responding to that illness selfishly and not Godly. They were angry with God for their illness. This abuse lasted up to adulthood.
I hardly remember anything from my elementary years. I even forgot all about God. Hadn’t had any kind of relationship with him. Then middle school came, during a calm moment in my family, and I got to know God again. Felt bad that I had forgotten Him, but started growing in faith again.
High school started and the abuse train was back. Drinking family fights and having to go to school the next morning like all was well. Life continued this way for many years into my adulthood and it still triggers me to see this person drink. They aren’t bad like they used to be and in a much better spot spiritually again but it still triggers me.
It wasn’t until recently where I started questioning random memories of me being aroused as a child. I hadn’t ever thought of this until recently. As if this is the next area to work on. I have flashes of memory of being aroused in situations where I shouldn’t even know what arousal was. I believe as young as 6 is my first memory. Seeing sex on tv and being aroused. Taking naps with my dolls head in my pants. Being aroused by scantly clad women on posters in a cousins room. Figuring out ways to bring myself to “release” with stuffed animals. Making my dolls have sex. All of this I can’t understand because I have no memory of being molested or raped. But I know a child doesn’t develop behavior like this on their own. I started reading Fan fiction Around 6th grade. It started innocent enough until I discovered NC17. Reading inappropriate content evolved to watching it. It’s been something I’ve struggled with ever since.
I’ve never discussed this with anyone. Too ashamed of how I’ve acted on these feelings being so young and now knowing I shouldn’t have even known what sex was. This is my first time typing this out and already I’m feeling better just getting this out there. Hopefully this will help in my healing through God by acknowledging that something had to have happened to bring a child so young to have arousal and act on it. I had started to even using it as a coping mechanism. As an escape.
