Child custody

[Liselle]

I have so many questions. I've been married for 14 years, together for 15. I have 3 children, ages 13, 8 and 4. My husband has asked me to move out. Never mind the fact that I asked him to leave 4 months ago or more. He makes double what I make, but won't leave. Actually, that's not the problem. I want to leave. I have a lot of problems that I'm having trouble dealing with. I'm going to start counseling soon, so hopefully that will help. My question is though, if I move out for 6 months, will he have a right to the kids? I love my children, but I need to be alone so that I can find "me" and be a better person and parent. I've got an appointment with a lawyer on Monday, and I'm definitely going to ask that. Just wondering if anyone else had any experience with that.

 

[madison1101]

I would not leave without the kids. You can find yourself after they are grown. They need you now. My husband left me when my youngest was a senior in high school. Now, all my kids are gone, and I am alone, and I miss them terribly. They are adults, doing what they are supposed to do, so that is fine. I just miss them. I am finding myself now. I don't regret being there for my kids when they were younger.

You say you need to be alone to be a better parent. God, through His Word and the power of the Holy Spirit can make you a better parent without sacrificing the kids in the process. Pray and ask Him for help.

 

[Serving4Christ]

Tough question. I'm currently seperated and pending divorce on 22 March. Circumstances dictated I leave immediately. However, when I left the abusive marriage, I had no place to keep my kids and no transportation to get them out for outings.

It wasn't until 3 months later I was able to get an apartment and vehicle. Any time before then I was unable to visit with them because she used it against me. I finally had to apply for a Guardian ad Litem to look at the children's best interest. In court, she used that time against me stating I didn't care about the kids and I abandoned them, and the story goes on...it couldn't have been further from the truth and the truth did come out.

One question I need to know is, were you a stay home mom? If so, you already have the upper hand for custody of the kids, unless you have other circumstances such as CPS/DHS cases in the past or pending.

My kids are 10, 5, and 2 and I retain full custody of all three right now. It took my oldest son to be choked by an angry mom before the courts would see the big picture and get them to safety.

Your children need you. They need to know they're not the reason you left, and when you go...they'll blame themselves. I'd encourage you to take a few days, there's nothing wrong in that...

There must be a great deal of pain in your life to even think about leaving your children for that long. Turn your burdens over to Christ, he'll give you the rest you seek. Children are very fragile, and you have three of them. You wouldn't leave your favorite china pieces thrown out in the garage covered loosely would you? You'd take the time to wrap them, place in some moth balls, keep the enviroment controlled and tempered...same principle with your kiddies. You need to be there for them to help get them through this. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. This is about the 3 lives that are wrapped up in the battle of mom and dad. They didn't ask for it. I made it a point to get them through this the best possible way I could, and to date, everyone comments on how well the children are doing and how they always have a smile on their face.

That's what you need to concentrate on.

 

[suzybeezy]

My opinion, Do Not Leave Your Children. It will be much more difficult to get them back. The parent with Physical Custody, is the parent with the upper hand.

 

[Liselle]

Up until last year, when I started my job, I was a stay at home mom. I'm dealing with a lot right now, which is to say, I'm not dealing well. I sleep alot, I suffer from depression, and I feel like I don't give my children the attention they deserve, but yet, I don't want to either. And that makes me feel horrible for saying that. My husband tells me I'm not a good mother, and I guess part of me has started to believe it, even though I really don't. Does that make sense? I just don't know what to do. I have never stood on my own, I've gone from living at home with parents, to running away to get married the first time, to leaving him to live with current, to getting married to him, having kids and now here I am. I don't know what I expected out of my life, but I'm sure I expected more. I don't know....I really do have a lot of issues.

 

[Serving4Christ]

We all have issues. It's how we deal with those issues that set us apart from good or bad parents.

It sounds like perhaps you need to consult some counseling through a clinical psychologist. From the sounds of things, it appears you might benefit from some sort of anti-depressant. Some may be quick to respond and scold me for suggesting it, but I take them myself, and it has helped GREATLY!!!

Depression is no joke and should be taken seriously. If you're having trouble getting out of bed, maybe you need to do something about it instead of reciting "woe is me."

You have to want to be different, feel better, be there for your children, be the mother you know you should be. I've come from a past of sexual, physical, emotional, mental, neglect...you name it...I had it. But one thing I've learned is you can't live your past, you have to move past it and make your future. Sounds to me in what little bit you've written is you trying to live your past. So your past was filled with downs and some failures...why not create a future that is bright and filled with hope?

Seek the help you need and start from there. Don't get down if it seems like one doesn't work for you, it may take several to find the chemical you need. You might also benefit from getting into a women's group[ at your church and know that you're not alone. Depression has tendency to make us believe we're all alone in this world and no one else is going through what we are, but that's where the deception comes in. We're not alone and you need a friends to help carry you through this.

 

[madison1101]

If you want to take care of yourself, get therapy. In therapy, you can find yourself. I have been in therapy for a while, and now am training to be a therapist. Antidepressants are another option, which it definitely sounds like you might be a candidate for.

Of course you have issues. I led a simlar life. I was 18 when I got pregnant and married my 17 year old boyfriend. He went in the army and we traveled around and made another baby. He got out of the army and we both went to college, and I learned I was pregnant again. He chose my major and made me go into a career I didn't want and teach in a school district I hate. Prior to my marriage, I was sexually molested.

Therapy helped me tremendously. So have meds. Sure, my marriage ended, and I thought it was the end of my world. God is faithful. He has been with me throughout the entire time. I am now pursuing a new career, and learning to take my past pain and minister to other hurting people.

Hang in there. God will never let go of you.

Hugs,
Madison

 

[Liselle]

I am on antidepressants, and I've got a counseling appointment next week. I'll keep you posted.

 

[Avaya]

I'm of the belief that in divorce, BOTH parents have an equal right to the children. I don't condone automatic custody to a mother - I think a father is as capable of raising his children as the mother is. The children NEED both of their parents and should have access to either of them at any time, IMO.

 

[Avaya]

Up until last year, when I started my job, I was a stay at home mom. I'm dealing with a lot right now, which is to say, I'm not dealing well. I sleep alot, I suffer from depression, and I feel like I don't give my children the attention they deserve, but yet, I don't want to either. And that makes me feel horrible for saying that. My husband tells me I'm not a good mother, and I guess part of me has started to believe it, even though I really don't. Does that make sense? I just don't know what to do. I have never stood on my own, I've gone from living at home with parents, to running away to get married the first time, to leaving him to live with current, to getting married to him, having kids and now here I am. I don't know what I expected out of my life, but I'm sure I expected more. I don't know....I really do have a lot of issues.

Under these circumstances, do YOU think you are the better custodial parent for your children? No doubt that they do need you in their lives, but it sounds like you feel that you wouldn't be the better parent (it doesn't matter what we all think) for them right now. Please do what is best for them. I pray that God would guide you and lay the right decisions at your feet and allow you and your children and their father to all grow and get along and prosper in spite of the circumstances you all are in right now!

 

[Yitzchak]

My opinion, Do Not Leave Your Children. It will be much more difficult to get them back. The parent with Physical Custody, is the parent with the upper hand.

In my experience this was true. I think that taking the kids with you is important. Is there a relative that the kids could stay with until you get settled???

 

[Avaya]

In my experience this was true. I think that taking the kids with you is important. Is there a relative that the kids could stay with until you get settled???

I have to respectfully say that I do not agree. I'd be Mortified if my spouse took our child to live with a relative instead of with at least ONE of his parents. A child needs his/her parents, even if it's just one custodially. There's no way it would be right for a child to live with a relative while depriving one parent of custody while the other parent "finds her/himself". Obviously this is assuming that both parents are fit.

 

[Yitzchak]

I have to respectfully say that I do not agree. I'd be Mortified if my spouse took our child to live with a relative instead of with at least ONE of his parents. A child needs his/her parents, even if it's just one custodially. There's no way it would be right for a child to live with a relative while depriving one parent of custody while the other parent "finds her/himself". Obviously this is assuming that both parents are fit.

Unfortunately, because of the nature of divorce, the two parents are seldom reasonable when it comes to things like child custody. It generally becomes a battle with one parent getting the upper hand. The vast majority of cases do not end up with equal and fair custody arrangements. Unless this ex is the rare exception to that rule , one needs to protect their interests as a parent for the long term. Usually the parent who has custody at the time of seperation and divorce has the upper hand in keeping that custody.

Unfortunately also, the court system can be quite discriminatory when it comes to depression and money issues.

Bottomline. If this person fully trusted their spouse, they would probably not be getting a divorce. The trouble with divorce is that when trust is broken over the marriage, it becomes almost impossible to trust that same person with the best interests of the children.

 

[Yitzchak]

Oh, one afterthought. The best place for children of divorcing parties is often with a relative. Because in my experience neither parent who is involved in a divorce is in the shape to care for their children. They are just not able to emotionally for some time afterwards. Some parents may put on a better front than others but they are just not in a place to focus on the emotional needs of the child when their whole world is falling apart.

Also putting the children in the place of choosing one parent over the other parent is a terrible thing for a child. a loving third party is often a good neutral place while the emotional transiiton takes place.

 

[madison1101]

Kids belong with a parent, not a relative. The attachment that exists between parent and child is very important to the child's development, and to be severed from both because the parents have to find themselves is just ridiculous. Get therapy, take meds and be a parent. If that is not possible, then let the father raise them. To farm the kids out is just not fair

I speak from personal experience. I was sent to live with relatives because my mom was mentally ill and my dad didn't know what else to do. They were together, just not able to handle my teenage emotional needs. That two months of living out of town with relatives led to me being sexually molested the next year because I was looking for love I didn't have from my parents. I began to use drugs, and then got pregnant. I have been in therapy for fifteen years as a result.

My parents were wrong to send me away. I needed their love, and not having it hurt me for decades.

 

[Avaya]

Also putting the children in the place of choosing one parent over the other parent is a terrible thing for a child. . . . .

You're right. Which is why BOTH parents need to step up to the plate and parent their kids - and allow the other parent to parent their kids. Parents need to stop being selfish and do their jobs.

 

[Liselle]

My counseling session went well. I told my husband about some stuff thats been happening, and he asked me to leave. I wanted to try to put some stuff out in the open, and I think I really screwed up. Brief background: I took a trip with a friend of mine to meet my first kiss that I hadn't seen in 20 years. We shared a bed, but nothing else. He held me, but nothing else. I would have left my husband over him, if he'd been interested in me, but he's not. Told me that I was a "needy, emotionally unstable, sheltered woman with little self worth and no self esteem." And the worst part? He was right. And I wanted to tell my husband the truth, and now he wants me to leave, without my kids. I didn't know I could hurt this much.

 

[Yitzchak]

My counseling session went well. I told my husband about some stuff thats been happening, and he asked me to leave. I wanted to try to put some stuff out in the open, and I think I really screwed up. Brief background: I took a trip with a friend of mine to meet my first kiss that I hadn't seen in 20 years. We shared a bed, but nothing else. He held me, but nothing else. I would have left my husband over him, if he'd been interested in me, but he's not. Told me that I was a "needy, emotionally unstable, sheltered woman with little self worth and no self esteem." And the worst part? He was right. And I wanted to tell my husband the truth, and now he wants me to leave, without my kids. I didn't know I could hurt this much.

I will continue to pray for you.

 

[Svt4Him]

Kids belong with a parent, not a relative. The attachment that exists between parent and child is very important to the child's development, and to be severed from both because the parents have to find themselves is just ridiculous. Get therapy, take meds and be a parent. If that is not possible, then let the father raise them. To farm the kids out is just not fair

I speak from personal experience. I was sent to live with relatives because my mom was mentally ill and my dad didn't know what else to do. They were together, just not able to handle my teenage emotional needs. That two months of living out of town with relatives led to me being sexually molested the next year because I was looking for love I didn't have from my parents. I began to use drugs, and then got pregnant. I have been in therapy for fifteen years as a result.

My parents were wrong to send me away. I needed their love, and not having it hurt me for decades.

At the same time I can tell of a story when one parent kept the child, then that child ended up getting molested when this girl wasn't looking for love they didn't have, by one of the parents new spouses. She too is in therapy. An unsafe home environment is an unsafe home environment whether they're with the parents or not.

My parents sent me away as well. I never knew my father and was kicked out of my home at a young age. I too got into drugs, didn't get anyone pregnant that I'm aware of, got arrested many, many times, but it was because I was looking out for myself, and I wanted it all...and I stayed with a parent as well.

So I say that to say that I honestly believe that it depends on each situation. I can not say it's best to stay with the parents, I can not say it's best to leave. In all honesty there are times when one or the other may be best.

 

[LostnFound]

Liselle,

Have you talked to an attorney, yet. It sounds like you really need to get some good legal advice, even as you are working on the mental health thing! My 2 cents is that you should NOT leave the home until told to by a judge. Or, unless your atty advises it.

The situation you are in really stinks, I know, and it's probably going to hurt a lot worse before it's over. But keep looking to the Lord for answers and your therapist and atty for help! You WILL get through this, and so will your kids.

Remember...at this point, there is no such thing as a stupid question to your atty!