- Aug 3, 2014
- 9,172
- 7,367
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Or an evil spirit survivor. Depends on perception.
Yesterday, someone posted a link to an article about surviving child abuse and it made me think about my childhood. I came from a household of damage. I would always hear my dad complain something about my mom, even call her nasty names behind her back and to my two younger sisters. There was only one time that I can remember seeing my parents in each others arms. I wanted more happiness for and from my parents and hoped to see more of that. It didn’t happen again. You see, my dad had a big problem with verbal abuse and his countenance fell like that of Cain. I didn’t know it then; being a young child with a mother just showing glimpses of Jesus, but being taught no values of His teachings, but my dad had an unclean spirit inside of him for a very long time. My mom wasn’t all there emotionally or physically, she had a constant blank stare, looking out the window. A lot of times she wouldn’t hear me calling her. Both my sister and I saw this and knew it wasn’t good or healthy, but we didn’t know what to do.
I lived in constant fear of my dad, never knowing when he would erupt. I was getting afraid for my sisters and would fantasize getting a place somewhere and live in peace. I would take care of them, being the eldest. I knew I was too young to work and it was illegal… so hope fell fast. The last thing I ever wanted to do was do the wrong thing because I was taught by my mom a wrong doesn’t make a right. I was also very confused because I saw and heard all this wrong being done behind closed doors. What made it worse was this ‘family’ went to church every Sunday. I would hear how God is so loving, but then return to a hellish home. What really got me was how my dad would literally cry over children he doesn’t even know in Africa or other 3rd world countries, but have no love for his own children. In my mind that day a thought came to me, a word I haven’t heard before (being young). Hypocrite. Then a feeling of ‘don’t be like him’. Right there in church! I’m not sure if that was God speaking to me then or if it was just my little mind learning things, but I believe it was Him. He’s the only reason why I’ve turned out the way I have, praise God!
God had a plan for me through all of this. I didn’t know it then, but He was there with me my entire childhood - even now. I believe God had me go through and endure all that and more for me to go to Him. Not half heartedly as I had done before, but fully give Him all my brokeness and myself. I admitted to Him that my ways were not working and I kept repeating a horrible cycle being in relationships with boys that didn’t care about me and were just as narcissistic as my dad. All I wanted was to be loved and belong somewhere. I didn’t see it, but God was there taking care of me. He kept me from living off the streets - even today! I don’t own a house, a bed to sleep on, or even a car to get places. Right now I am jobless, however, I do babysit my roommates dogs and I truly believe God has softened his heart so I may stay until it’s time for me to leave. God has provided me with SO much! I believe going through what I did was so I can rest now in Him. Learn about His ways that are much higher than mine. How much He loves me and the every soul on this earth.
My parents are divorced and my mom moved away, so I don’t hear from her or see her much at all. It has taken years but my dad has been a Christian for a while now. We both go to a new church together and we seem to be on the same page when it comes to the things of God. That’s all that matters. God used every evil thing against me for my good! Eventually, bringing me and my dad together through His will.
I wanted to stick this in Praise because that article really made me think of how much God has done in my life when I thought He was no where to be found. I pray and hope this brings encouragement to others facing or having faced the same things.
Yesterday, someone posted a link to an article about surviving child abuse and it made me think about my childhood. I came from a household of damage. I would always hear my dad complain something about my mom, even call her nasty names behind her back and to my two younger sisters. There was only one time that I can remember seeing my parents in each others arms. I wanted more happiness for and from my parents and hoped to see more of that. It didn’t happen again. You see, my dad had a big problem with verbal abuse and his countenance fell like that of Cain. I didn’t know it then; being a young child with a mother just showing glimpses of Jesus, but being taught no values of His teachings, but my dad had an unclean spirit inside of him for a very long time. My mom wasn’t all there emotionally or physically, she had a constant blank stare, looking out the window. A lot of times she wouldn’t hear me calling her. Both my sister and I saw this and knew it wasn’t good or healthy, but we didn’t know what to do.
I lived in constant fear of my dad, never knowing when he would erupt. I was getting afraid for my sisters and would fantasize getting a place somewhere and live in peace. I would take care of them, being the eldest. I knew I was too young to work and it was illegal… so hope fell fast. The last thing I ever wanted to do was do the wrong thing because I was taught by my mom a wrong doesn’t make a right. I was also very confused because I saw and heard all this wrong being done behind closed doors. What made it worse was this ‘family’ went to church every Sunday. I would hear how God is so loving, but then return to a hellish home. What really got me was how my dad would literally cry over children he doesn’t even know in Africa or other 3rd world countries, but have no love for his own children. In my mind that day a thought came to me, a word I haven’t heard before (being young). Hypocrite. Then a feeling of ‘don’t be like him’. Right there in church! I’m not sure if that was God speaking to me then or if it was just my little mind learning things, but I believe it was Him. He’s the only reason why I’ve turned out the way I have, praise God!
God had a plan for me through all of this. I didn’t know it then, but He was there with me my entire childhood - even now. I believe God had me go through and endure all that and more for me to go to Him. Not half heartedly as I had done before, but fully give Him all my brokeness and myself. I admitted to Him that my ways were not working and I kept repeating a horrible cycle being in relationships with boys that didn’t care about me and were just as narcissistic as my dad. All I wanted was to be loved and belong somewhere. I didn’t see it, but God was there taking care of me. He kept me from living off the streets - even today! I don’t own a house, a bed to sleep on, or even a car to get places. Right now I am jobless, however, I do babysit my roommates dogs and I truly believe God has softened his heart so I may stay until it’s time for me to leave. God has provided me with SO much! I believe going through what I did was so I can rest now in Him. Learn about His ways that are much higher than mine. How much He loves me and the every soul on this earth.
My parents are divorced and my mom moved away, so I don’t hear from her or see her much at all. It has taken years but my dad has been a Christian for a while now. We both go to a new church together and we seem to be on the same page when it comes to the things of God. That’s all that matters. God used every evil thing against me for my good! Eventually, bringing me and my dad together through His will.
I wanted to stick this in Praise because that article really made me think of how much God has done in my life when I thought He was no where to be found. I pray and hope this brings encouragement to others facing or having faced the same things.
