Chemistry: Truth or Myth

[SelfProtect]

Hi all,
Do you guys think Chemistry is important/natural in a relationship? I ask this because my experience in relationships where their seems to be chemistry ends up dysfunctional.

To define Chemistry: The desire to spend a lot of time with someone combined with not being able to get your mind off them, combined with feelings of love (probably infatuation), all this is immediate attraction, and not wanting to keep your hands off them.

The reason I am asking: I was married for 13 years to a serial-cheater. He was repeatedly caught with the same woman over a 7 year period. Our relationship was always extreme highs (chemistry) and extreme lows never nuetral. We are divorced now. My exbf, I posted about here, I dated for 2 months, we had a LOT of chemistry. He talked about marriage then dumped me when I told him I was molested as a child. So, I am learning to do things differently, opposite of what I am use to. I have been dating this new guy for over a month. There seems to be no chemistry. Sometimes after our date, I feel like it was boring and it will probably be the last date. Then other times, I think, what a great guy, I had a wonderful date and look forward to seeing him again. This guy has a LOT of great qualities, but I get a little hung up on the fact that there is no chemistry. But maybe chemistry is the dysfunction that I am so familiar with.

So what do you guys think? is Chemistry required in a relationship or is it a myth?

 

[msjones21]

First of all *hugs*. I'm so sorry you had to experience such a heartbreaking relationship. I'm also sorry for your past abuse. I know how it all feels. I've been through similar struggles so if you ever need to talk please feel free to send me a private message.

As far as your question goes...I think chemistry is deceiving. A couple can have great chemistry, but what happens when all you have is chemistry? Chemistry usually fades once the phase of your relationship ends in which you're trying to make a good first impression. Here is why I believe in being friends first. As friends there is no pressure to be anything but yourself and instead of chemistry clouding your judgement, you allow yourself to fall in love with, and be loved by, the person you can be completely yourself with.

As far as chemistry being a requirement that's a tricky one. I see a big difference between chemistry and attraction. Maybe the two are totally synonymous; however, I see chemistry as being first and foremost a deep physical attraction. You don't think about what the other person looks like when they have the flu or when they first wake up in the morning. You're more blinded by the way they are at that present moment. Once reality sinks in and you comprehend that the other person is merely human and vice versa, the chemistry vanishes and if there aren't any deeper rooted feelings the relationship will fail. Now, I do think that in all successful relationships there must be some level of attraction. You should enjoy being with the person. You should possess similar values and beliefs. You should love their personality. Unlike the fleeting nature of chemistry, falling in love with someonefor their love for Christ and seeing Christ's love in them will never fade. Physical attraction is somewhat important, but it's not a necessity. It helps if the person at least possesses one or two qualities that you find attractive, but they don't have to be a knockout. Sometimes it's the people you least expect that God will put in your life. You never know.

 

[SelfProtect]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply Msjones 21!!

 

[Joel K]

I see chemistry differently. There is chemistry in all relationships. Some are like oil and water, others like salt and water. The kind of chemistry I want to have woman I marry is, is being totaly comfortable to be myself with her. To be able to have deep conversations with where we both contribute to what is seid. As well their is also a physical chemisty-magnetism between certian people that seems to draw them together. That should also be there with the woman I'm to marry. It takes time to defelop chemistry in a relationship. If i'm comfortable with a person I am very witty and humorous with them. But with people I've only known a short time usally have very little to say. Also depending on their personality too.........Joel

 

[ummidrinkcherrycoke]

I read somewhere that the average "in love" experience (chemistry) only lasts around two years. I think that one of the problems with relationships today is that people follow thier feelings and emotions rather than their minds. Once the chemistry is gone people don't know what to do. I feel that if you follow your mind the chemistry will come later. We all know the difference between right and wrong, and we all know whats good for us and what not. But its when we start following our feelings rather than our minds that we tend to get into trouble. For example sometimes I feel like having a cigarette but I know its bad for my heatlh, Sometime I feel like having sex outside of marrage but I know its wrong, and at other times I might feel like eating a gallon of ice-cream but I know I'll get sick. In the end I think that its our minds that know whats best for us not chemistry.

 

[desi]

Chemistry, there is something to it but it can be fickle.

 

[Breetai]

I think that one of the problems with relationships today is that people follow thier feelings and emotions rather than their minds.

You are right on with that sentence, in my so humble opinion.

is Chemistry required in a relationship

No.

Like MsJones said, physical attraction is probably needed in a romantic relationship. Chemistry is, as I and others have said as well, a passing feeling. It can help start a relationship, but without real love and having Christ in the center; the relationship may fail. In fact, I think that after loving someone (real love), you won't be able to keep your hands off this person. Your love and attraction for them will grow over time, assuming you choose to love this person with Christ-like love. As the wise with the Holy Spirit MsJones said, "falling in love with someone for their love for Christ and seeing Christ's love in them will never fade".

I feel bad that you had to experience the hard time that you did.

Jesus will never leave you!

 

[stubbornkelly]

I think good chemistry is certainly important. It's not the only thing, but I can't imagine being in a long-term relationship with someone with whom I didn't have it. The "in love" stuff can fade, but it doesn't mean it can't be rekindled. You have to work to maintain that, and it's important to do that. I would hope I'd be continually "falling in love with" my mate.

That said, I don't think the good chemistry has to do with that "in love" dreaminess.