"Checking up" on your Sig Other...

[John the Engineer]

I'm not asking for spilled stories of how you checked up on your SO, or how they checked up on you, but I was curious for how many have dealt with this. How you would respond if you found out your SO was checking your e-mail or things of that nature. And also would you go so far as to do it? Do you believe it's totally not right or grey or just fine?

Just curious.

 

[LadyBird]

I think that something is SERIOUSLY wrong (in a relationship) if a person feels they need to check up on their S.O.. It shows a lack of trust and without trust, a relationship will not work. I think that if I found out my boyfriend was keeping tabs on me, I would be very angry because for him to do something like that, shows that he doesn't trust me. Also, I would not check up on him. I think it is wrong to do stuff like that, it is invasion of personal space and shows that the person who is checking up on their S.O. is insecure and doesn't trust their partner. Instead of doing stuff like keeping tabs on them, talk with your S.O. about things...

 

[John the Engineer]

Just as a second note, what happened if you found our your SO was checking up on their ex after they broke up (but they were with you now)

 

[msjones21]

I agree with everything Belle said in regard to your first question.

Just as a second note, what happened if you found our your SO was checking up on their ex after they broke up (but they were with you now)

The relationship would be over. I'm sorry but if your SO is over their past flame they wouldn't be checking up on them, and if they aren't over their past flame they can't give you their all.

 

[LadyBird]

Just as a second note, what happened if you found our your SO was checking up on their ex after they broke up (but they were with you now)

Bye Bye S.O.

 

[E-beth]

My rule of thumb is, if I check up on SO and I find something I don't like, I have no right to get angry because my nose was poking where it shouldn't have been in the first place. If he checked up on me, I wouldn't care unless I had something to hide.

As far as the ex is concerned, sometimes ya have a morbi curiosity about an ex, even if ya don't give a hoot about them anymore. (I still drive by my ex-husband's house when I am home for holidays.) It could be just wanting to see if they are miserable without you or not.

 

[Koop]

I think checking up is ok if you have good reason to not trust them. I would never and have never done it without being provoked. But when something smels like a duck, quaks like a duck, looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, eats like a duck.... you get the idea. I wanted proof it was a duck. Yeah she got mad, but that's only cause she had something to hide. I probably should have at least asked first. I know I share everything with an so save for ssn and bank numbers. If they want to check my e-mail I have nothing to hide, and i'd asume that if they felt they had to I'd given them a reason to feel that need. In which case I'd be mad, but not at my so. I'd be made at myself for being untrustworthy.

 

[oworm]

I think it is wrong to do stuff like that, it is invasion of personal space and shows that the person who is checking up on their S.O. is insecure and doesn't trust their partner.

I would have thought being an "open book" to each other would be the desired state of affairs? That way there wouldnt be any "checking up", not that they're would need to be anyway i would hope.
If i was married i would have no problem with my partner opening my mail or reading my email. Actually it would be quite handy to have someone to tell me, "you need to respond to this or that email ,oh and btw this bill or that appointment needs to be kept"
As a Christian im a firm believer that when the 2 become 1 then the personal space barrier is expanded to include the "2 as 1"

The trust should really be sorted out and resolved before the commitment to marriage.IMOHO

 

[Mrs K 2004]

If I caught my fiance "checking up" on me I would be furious!

That would prove to me that he has no trust in me; and I would also be concerned about what else he would go digging through!

Although of course; my e~mail is for him to check if he wishes! (It's full of notices from CF.com and e~mails from my best friend in Germany...) In fact after we are married we will probably share an e~mail address just because he's not online often and mostly gets e~mail from me anyway!

 

[DaveKerwin]

To me, if you have nothing to hide, and you are completely blameless, then you ought to offer passwords and access to your personal things to prove that you are trustworthy. Obviously if you woman feels the need to check up on you, then she does not truely trust you. If you are blameless, then it should not bother you that she is looking, because she won't find a thing. But I would most definitely bring it up to her, and address the trust issue. Trust is so key to a good relationship.

 

[katelyn]

We don't "check up" on each other in a sneaky way, but we do have access to each other's email and stuff. I think you should have a pretty good reason to go behind your partner's back and check up on them, because it is something that can be hurtful if you are doing it for no real reason.

 

[Ampmonster]

one of the things that got me to get engaged was zero desire to check up on her. and her me. there are no trust issues.
if you have these issues you need to confront them, constuctively as possible.

 

[brettnolan]

Problems arise when you look your SO in the eye and she LIES to you with a straight face. You all need to check out some of the "cheating" threads. Koop's "duck" is right on the mark. Oworm is also correct...when two become one, then the personal space belongs to the ONE, not to each separately. If you have nothing to hide, there should be no reason for you to feel violate if your SO pops in early, or reads your e-mail, or checks your cell phone messages. In fact, you should encourage it. Sort of a way to offer proof of your trustworthiness.

Having said that, I wouldn't (and didn't) snoop until I had a reason. Also, you should be careful and make a distinction between snooping and PAYING ATTENTION. Paying attention can lead to snooping when odd things crop up in the normal course of things.

 

[John the Engineer]

I remember telling my girlfriend that people all too often excuse what they do as "you should trust me" instead of offering proof whenever possible and not having to rely on trust. I think too many couples get into this whole idea that trust is just what should be there, and if you don't trust then there's something wrong with you. Trust should be something that has built up because you are completely open, and offer proof and allow the person to not have to trust you.

If my girlfriend checked anything of mine she would've found nothing that I hid. I never did give her passwords for sensitivity reasons relating to work (I carry with my passwords a lot of power, computer people, go fig) and that there was no reason to give them to her. But had it come down to it there was no problems. She knew everything and everything was open to her if she asked.

But she would hide so much, and expect me to just trust. She internalized everything so often times she just didn't want me to be bothered by what was going on with her. But now that we broke up I looked and she changed some passwords she knew I had, but I figured out her passwords to something else. What I found was shocking. Her boss also had me working on her computer at her office (before we broke up) and I found out that she had been checking up on her Ex's AIM account, logging in to it and such. I know there was a really painful breakup involved (he cheated on her)

Am I wrong to have looked through her e-mail? I did originally out of curiousity. What I found was she was still talking to her ex's Mom, and not telling her that she was dating me now. She also got together with her and didn't tell me. And in fact it turns out that a conversation with one of her "Mom's friends" was actually a VERY long conversation she had while sitting in her car in the parking lot while I was in the restaurant with our food sitting there. This all angered me to say the least.

But since I still have the password, I catch myself seeing how she responds to e-mails I send. Seeing if she deletes them, saves them, etc. I don't send them to her directly but to a list we both subscribe to.

Am I wrong to be checking through her e-mail still? I don't do anything malicious or read her personal e-mail (not that she gets any anyway), but sometimes I feel bad about it, other times I just feel like it gives me confirmation in my heart of how she's doing. Those of you that know my situation are especially encouraged to put your comments up.

 

[Koop]

Well that's a tough one john. Checking up never feels good because your doing it out of lack of trust. Feeling like you can't trust somone always really really really sucks. Feelings are lousy things to base our actinos on. They change and can be very wrong. I don't konw the situation so i'm just going to suggest THINKING it through logicaly. Do you have any reason to still be doing it? Does she have a problem with you doing it? Those are the two biggest questions to ask yourself IMO. One other that's not quite as important is, is it helping build more trust in her? Good luck brother.

 

[jenptcfan]

I would be really hurt if a SO thought they needed to check up on me. I don't believe I should have to offer "proof" to someone that I'm trustworthy in the form of letting them check my cell phone messages, read my e-mails, etc. I've never been unfaithful to anyone I've dated and I've never had the desire to be unfaithful. I don't make many commitments because I take them seriously and only want to make commitments that I know I can keep. I think that, and hopefully my overall character, should be proof enough that I'm trustworthy. If not, then perhaps the SO has just been burned in a past relationship and doesn't need to assume that I'm just like the girls in his past?

I think if you're in a relationship and things don't feel right, and you feel like someone's doing something wrong (cheating, etc.) behind your back, that's a great opportunity to engage in some communication to get to the root of the problem. Nothing productive is going to come out of going behind someone's back to check up on them...seems more like a control issue than anything else to me.

 

[jenptcfan]

But now that we broke up I looked and she changed some passwords she knew I had, but I figured out her passwords to something else. What I found was shocking. Her boss also had me working on her computer at her office (before we broke up) and I found out that she had been checking up on her Ex's AIM account, logging in to it and such. I know there was a really painful breakup involved (he cheated on her)

But since I still have the password, I catch myself seeing how she responds to e-mails I send. Seeing if she deletes them, saves them, etc. I don't send them to her directly but to a list we both subscribe to.

Am I wrong to be checking through her e-mail still? I don't do anything malicious or read her personal e-mail (not that she gets any anyway), but sometimes I feel bad about it, other times I just feel like it gives me confirmation in my heart of how she's doing. Those of you that know my situation are especially encouraged to put your comments up.

Just read this part. WHAT??? Let it go! You have broken up, you have NO right to be 'figuring out' her new passwords so you can read her emails, etc!

Why is it shocking to you that she is checking up on her ex's AIM account? (I'm not saying it's right of her) Aren't you doing essentially the same thing by guessing her passwords and checking her email?

In the long run, you're only hurting yourself. Do you really want to know when she gets personal emails from a new guy, or when she deletes your emails instead of saving them? You're setting yourself up for heartache. Letting go can be really hard, but in the long run it's going to be healthier for you to let go so that you can move on and find a girl who you CAN trust!

There's something better out there for you, but you'll never see what's ahead of you if you keep looking behind you.

 

[brettnolan]

First, for John...if you're not dating her anymore, let it go. It's a nice idea to "see how she's doing," but it's really not your business anymore and you need to move on anyway. Drop it.

I would be really hurt if a SO thought they needed to check up on me. I don't believe I should have to offer "proof" to someone that I'm trustworthy in the form of letting them check my cell phone messages, read my e-mails, etc.

I guess I'm not understanding why it would be hurtful, trust has to be earned, you are not automatically trustworthy just by being you. If you don't believe that, ask the next stranger you meet if you can borrow $20. At some point in a relationship, everything that is mine is also my SO's and hopefully, vice versa. That is how it should be and why should I be hurt if she's looking at my email? You shouldn't have to offer proof, but why be upset if it's asked for? I wouldn't think that most people would ask unless there were red lights going off. If your SO is asking for no apparent reason, then he's probably got other problems...time to move on.

I've never been unfaithful to anyone I've dated and I've never had the desire to be unfaithful. I don't make many commitments because I take them seriously and only want to make commitments that I know I can keep.

Look around at several threads in the marriage forum and you'll find that you are quite possibly an exception to the rule.

I think that, and hopefully my overall character, should be proof enough that I'm trustworthy. If not, then perhaps the SO has just been burned in a past relationship and doesn't need to assume that I'm just like the girls in his past

Like or no, one's past colors his view of the future. Everyone should learn from their past. Unfortunately, MANY people have been hurt by trusting too much, unconditionally, before it was properly earned. In my case, even AFTER it was earned. Funny thing is, once you earn someone's trust, it's SO much easier to lie to them.

I think if you're in a relationship and things don't feel right, and you feel like someone's doing something wrong (cheating, etc.) behind your back, that's a great opportunity to engage in some communication to get to the root of the problem. Nothing productive is going to come out of going behind someone's back to check up on them...seems more like a control issue than anything else to me.

Sorry, but when you "engage in some communication," there must be honesty from both parties, otherwise, "nothing productive is going to come out of" it. There is no control issue...that's a cop out.

Bottom line...if you have nothing to hide, why hide it?

 

[jenptcfan]

I guess I'm not understanding why it would be hurtful, trust has to be earned, you are not automatically trustworthy just by being you. If you don't believe that, ask the next stranger you meet if you can borrow $20. At some point in a relationship, everything that is mine is also my SO's and hopefully, vice versa. That is how it should be and why should I be hurt if she's looking at my email? You shouldn't have to offer proof, but why be upset if it's asked for? I wouldn't think that most people would ask unless there were red lights going off. If your SO is asking for no apparent reason, then he's probably got other problems...time to move on.

Look around at several threads in the marriage forum and you'll find that you are quite possibly an exception to the rule.

Like or no, one's past colors his view of the future. Everyone should learn from their past. Unfortunately, MANY people have been hurt by trusting too much, unconditionally, before it was properly earned. In my case, even AFTER it was earned. Funny thing is, once you earn someone's trust, it's SO much easier to lie to them.

Sorry, but when you "engage in some communication," there must be honesty from both parties, otherwise, "nothing productive is going to come out of" it. There is no control issue...that's a cop out.

Bottom line...if you have nothing to hide, why hide it?

If I haven't wronged someone in the first place, why do I have to earn their trust in a relationship? My character shouldn't be questioned because of what someone else did sometime in the past. I've been cheated on in the past, but I don't go into new relationships thinking "I better keep an eye on this one...he could be just like that guy I dated before...." If I get to the point in a relationship where red flags are popping up, then I will confront the SO and say "what's going on here?" If I'm not satisfied with their answer, then I'm outta there. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I can't trust, and if they give me a reason to doubt them, I think it's a waste of time to stay in the relationship digging for 'evidence'.

There's quite a difference in asking a stranger to borrow $20 and being in a relationship. Hopefully the person you're in a relationship with isn't a stranger. I'm not saying that the first instant you meet someone, you trust them completely. You have to get to know someone and figure out their values, morals, and character before you trust them. But by the time one is in a relationship with someone, I hope one has explored this and feels one can trust them.

At some point, yes, what's his is mine and what's mine is his. That point in time is marriage. And my email is a personal thing to me...not because I have anything to hide, but because I have friends who email me with personal prayer requests, etc. I wouldn't be 'hiding' anything, but as most of my friends have scattered all over the country, email is our only mode of communication anymore, and they sometimes tell me personal things in confidence which aren't any of my SO's concern.

After I'm married, I'll probably have a shared mailbox with my husband, but until that point, when it's clear to my friends/family that we'll both be reading the email, it would be wrong for a SO to poke around in my mail. It wouldn't occur to me to do that to him.

Here's my bottom line:
If he feels like he doesn't trust me and needs to check up on me, either I'm doing something wrong (and I'm unworthy of his trust in the first place), there's been a misunderstanding, he is insecure, or he has control issues.

 

[Koop]

Hehe.... Can't believe i missed they brok up.... Totaly. Gotta let go. You have no right to mess with her prsonal things. I agree with you jenptcfan. You should not have to gain that trust. However, IF you loose it, it must be regained. Then it is necisary to be acountable for your actions. Going into a relatinoship expecting smone to be acountable for everything they do is a terrible thing. It implies lack of trust when you have no reason for that lack of trust. Everyone is diffrent. You can't judge people as untrustworthy before you know them. And yes even in long term relatinoships one can loose trust that is in place. There are pleanty of cases where someone is faithful for years, and then cheats seemingly out of no where. So there can be instances where I feel it's justified. Like the duck idea.