Cheating

[DaveKerwin]

he could be hurting on the inside, but maybe not. Do you think he has cheated, or he woudl cheat? Is he very honest with you about everything?

 

[Living4Him03]

I don't THINK he would cheat on me. I don't think he has either. If he did, I feel pretty certain he'd fess up to it. Yah he's honest, but it's hard to get him to share what he thinks or feels (except regarding what he plans to do with his wife when he gets married, sexually speaking, but that is a whole other story) with me. He shares when he is angry, but that's about it. It's hard for him to express what's going on inside. I don't know. I just have to ask him what's going on when I talk to him tonight.

 

[DaveKerwin]

well, talk to him more about it, and talk about honesty again. I always make certain to establish an honest relationship again and again, sharing my feelings like "I love that we can be honest with each other, I never want to lose that, not even a little bit." So work on maintaining that honesty, and buliding trust more. Talking about it helps, and proving your honesty in your ACTION helps too.

 

[Living4Him03]

I can't get ahold of him, when he's studying, he's studying and won't be bothered. I wish our relationship was like when we first started dating. We talked for so long about so many things, now, honestly, the conversation just becomes full of sexual innuendo and "what ifs". He just doesn't seem to be interested in me the way he used to be. Before, it seemed he really wanted to get to know all about me. I haven't even let him kiss me yet. I just don't want to make any mistakes. I know it would dishonor God to do something with him where I feel like I am giving part of myself away, and it's just too early to kiss IMO. I've explained that to him, but he still doesn't seem to get it. He seems to think if we "mess around" it would be justified by the fact that we like each other alot, which i know is faulty thinking. Should I tell him either we practice purity or we are over? I don't want to have to do that but I am so frustrated right now. I know it's my fault too, I am the one who has let it go on for so long. I contribute to the conversations. Thanks for everyone's advice.

 

[Koop]

That's mega rough. I know how it goes. You guys seem to be either in the hunymoon is over stage or realising you don't fit as well as you thought. Both are tough. Value diffrences imo is one of the only few things i see as a good reason to break off a serious relatoinship. If he thinks it's ok to be un pure and you think it's necisary that's a big value diffrence. Perhaps it's something you can still work through and find an agreance on. Just don't give up your purity for a guy. We are not worth it..... Trust me.

 

[DaveKerwin]

if he is constantly talking about sex, and he wants to fool around, then maybe he just wants to get some and not grow in a relationship with you? But I wonder if that is true because he is still dating you eventhough you are not kissing (which is probably wise). Just be careful, and bring these concerns up to him. If you are concerned that he is dating you to use you, then don't be afraid to ask him if that is the case.

 

[Warrior Poet]

The three month bliss period is over.....now its work...now its choice.

Warrior Poet

 

[Living4Him03]

Well, I've asked him if that was the case and I've confronted him about the way we talk, and he will agree with me, but take no action to change. He said that he is not just for the physical stuff, but I'm pretty sure he would like for the physical stuff to happen. Yah, it's work. But, we do have our good moments. We still talk about other stuff, but as we have gotten closer it seems like the sex talk stuff has been brought up more and more. However, when we first started getting to know each other we talked about anything and everything and sex never came up. Then we ended up having to tell each other about past mistakes. It's hard to explain to him how I did all this stuff with other guys and yet won't even kiss him yet. I think he feels like he's not as "good" as the others if I don't do the same stuff or more with him. I think I am just going to tell him that I don't even want to kiss him unless we get married someday and see what he says and does. If he pressures me then I'll know he just wants to get some. But, if he says okay and still works on building our relationship, then I know he's in it for the right reasons. What do you guys think? Thanks for continuing to check on this thread. God bless ya'll

 

[DaveKerwin]

Well, I've asked him if that was the case and I've confronted him about the way we talk, and he will agree with me, but take no action to change. He said that he is not just for the physical stuff, but I'm pretty sure he would like for the physical stuff to happen. Yah, it's work. But, we do have our good moments. We still talk about other stuff, but as we have gotten closer it seems like the sex talk stuff has been brought up more and more. However, when we first started getting to know each other we talked about anything and everything and sex never came up. Then we ended up having to tell each other about past mistakes. It's hard to explain to him how I did all this stuff with other guys and yet won't even kiss him yet. I think he feels like he's not as "good" as the others if I don't do the same stuff or more with him. I think I am just going to tell him that I don't even want to kiss him unless we get married someday and see what he says and does. If he pressures me then I'll know he just wants to get some. But, if he says okay and still works on building our relationship, then I know he's in it for the right reasons. What do you guys think? Thanks for continuing to check on this thread. God bless ya'll

Sounds like you have learned your lessons from the past. Stick to your guns and don't kiss him. If he splits, you know why. If he stays, then you know why. In the mean time, stay honest and try to redirect the conversations you have with him. It is not unnatural for him to want sex and talk about it, but it is wrong if he cannot respect your body. So keep that in mind and play smart. Peace.

 

[Breetai]

Hiya!

To your original question...No, I've never cheated on a girlfriend before. Unfortunately, I have been cheated on and been the guy that the girlfriend has cheated on her significant other with.

Bravo in telling your bf the truth. That takes guts. I believe that complete trust is essential in a healthy relationship.

btw, good thing you're not going out with me...I couldn't handle not kissing!

 

[Living4Him03]

Yah it was tough, but he is an awesome guy. Praise God! I am sure we will kiss at some point, but for now I want to be sure he isn't just wanting to "get some"...and I absolutely don't want it to go beyond kissing until we are married, if we get married someday. I really just need to make it plain and clear to him what I want. I want to honor God so I've got to make that clear to him, because lately I have been fickle. One day I talk about honoring God and not "messing around" and the next day I am actively participating in the sex conversations. I don't mind us being attracted to one another, I know that desire isn't bad in itself. However, what we talk about goes beyond that and we shouldn't talk about it or plan to do any of it. Anyway, thanks everyone for your advice! God bless! You all are awesome!

 

[DaveKerwin]

You are right on! It needs to be made VERY clear AND you need to be in agreement with each other. I say that because if only one of you is strong, how easy will it be to give in. If both of you are on the same page, then hopefully one of you can speak up if you feel you are in a compromising situation. Know what I mean?

 

[Living4Him03]

I know what you mean, I just hope that he and I can get to an agreement. I'm afraid he'll just agree with me to make peace, not because he really feels that not messing around is right. I know that making it unclear what I want is confusing to him, so I'm hoping if I make it clear then he will agree with me because he knows in his heart it's the right thing to do as well. I'll keep ya'll posted!

 

[Living4Him03]

An update...I shared with him what I've been thinking and feeling about the way we talk with each other and "messing around" and he agrees that we shouldn't go beyond kissing and that that would be best. BUT, he wants us to figure out a plan for that and not just say we are going to do it but figure a way to stay pure. I know prayer is always good, but what else can we do? The problem is that when I go visit him it's pretty tempting because I spend the night at his place. It's 2 hours away and it's really hard to go out there and then drive all the way back later on. So, I sleep on the sofa and it's tempting to go and sleep in his arms, but I know that would probably lead to something we shouldn't be doing. Any advice on how to stay pure?

 

[Bookman]

Well, my advice might not be too popular, but I read all your posts and I think you better sloooowwwww down with this relationship. No more sleeping at his house. I think you better know lots more about him. I think you better see what his spiritual growth is like over a longer period of time....say a year or so. You're only 21, so you can wait. Believe me, you really want to get this right. Don't rush it. You broke up once...maybe you will again.

Slow down, Living4Him.

 

[Living4Him03]

I feel like he is not making the effort he once did to get to know me. It's hard to see his spiritual growth when we end up getting into so many conversations we shouldn't be having! I definitely don't want to rush things, but I also want to take steps to get to know him better. I've read the "boy meets girl" book and all that kind of junk, and it just seems so sweet and perfect BLAH. I think maybe for Josh Harris that's great, but not every relationship will be so perfect, because in my eyes the relationships he mentions in that book are so much better than the ones I've seen. Good for him and his friends that their courting could be that easy...just ask the girl to court you one day and she says yes, good for josh. Sure, he has some good points to make in the book. But, I just didn't benefit much from the book. I have to go way out of my way to get guys to notice me most of the time. I don't really know what this whole courting thing is all about, but I am learning and so is Jon. And I hope and pray he isn't just looking to use me for temporary satisfaction. I just really need your prayers right now more than anything.

 

[DatingSmarts]

I think you should date other guys besides him. I think this guy is intentionally leading the convos to sex. He is making you THINK about SEX by bringing it up ALL the time. I think its also a bad idea to work out a plan so you two won't fall into sin. All you have to do is DECIDE it won't happen and that's that. Personally, I would not be sleeping over at his place. Doing that is putting yourselves in a questionable situation. Also known as putting yourselves in danger of proximate sin.

I think you are unhappy in this relationshp. It bothers me that this guy doesn't make any moves. just does a bunch of talking. I bet you feel like you are the one doing all the work. He is doing all the talking, conniving, manipulating. He's trying to set it up so that YOU are the one who comes onto HIM. WHY? so that he can deny personal responsibility for anything 'physical' that may occur between you. His excuse will be: SHE came onto ME. SHE WANTED IT.

Now let's face it, he's just luring you to sin, but he's trying to get it so that you are the one who actually takes action. He's just the snake who is doing the talking. He is tempting you with his words and the things he chooses to bring up.

Like I said, I think you should start dating other people. And I would give myself the freedom to date many. I wouldn't tell because there may not be anything there. The only reason to tell that you are dating others is to increase your PERCEIVED popularity with the opposite sex. However, some choose to look at this in an unsavory uncharitable and unchaste like way.

You have to give yourself permission to date others without any obligation to commit to them. When you are ready to be exclusive with one of these men then I would probe him to see where he stands. If he doesn't want a commitment or is not ready then you are FREE to date others. IF he gets mad, let him feel that way. He probably thinks its okay for him to be free but not for you. Most men think like this. Even christians.

Assuming he is not luring you: wouldn't it bother you that your desire for him is greater than his is for you? I know it would bother me. I expect a man to want me at least equal to the amount I want him. However, I expect a man to make the first move. A man who does not do this is, in my book, either a coward or a conniver. I have learned this part from dating divorced men. I have observed that they feel guilty about dating because they feel like its cheating on their ex wife. If I can be manipulated to make the first move, then they are free of any guilt/responsibility. it is truly pathetic.

 

[katelyn]

The problem is that when I go visit him it's pretty tempting because I spend the night at his place. It's 2 hours away and it's really hard to go out there and then drive all the way back later on. So, I sleep on the sofa and it's tempting to go and sleep in his arms, but I know that would probably lead to something we shouldn't be doing. Any advice on how to stay pure?

Don't stay at his house. Does he know any girls who could let you stay overnight at their place?

Whatever you do, if you are really committed to staying pure, please don't lay next to each other. That will only keep the temptation coming.