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cheating husband

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by elsieg, Nov 22, 2011.

  1. elsieg

    elsieg Newbie

    I found out my husband has been cheating on me in May this year. He was not even repentant. His anger was that I found out. I am and still diverstated. We have everything joint. Joint ownership of house,investments ,accounts etc. I am 61 and retired.He is 63, also retired but still goes out to work.We will be 40years married next year. Our children are diverstated.

    I am now down and depressed. Can a christian counsellor advise me ?
  2. briareos

    briareos Well-Known Member

    Your going to have pay the money and get a real lawyer.

    From the words you've chosen it doesn't seem that you have restoration in mind, he committed adultery and are not obligated to stay his wife. If you TWO were interested in restoration you should both willingly and seriously begin christian marital counseling from a professional counselor.

    I am going to pray for you and I encourage you to remain hopeful toward God and ask that his will be done in this situation, he still loves you and he will defend and watch over you and guide your feet through this dark time in your life. No matter how you've been toward God in your past he will only be one way toward you and that is "faithful".
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2011
  3. Life2Christ

    Life2Christ Guest

    That means he wants out of the marriage. You are not obliged to stay with him. Get a good lawyer, get your paperwork together and move on. If your husband showed an ounce of remorse I would tell you sit tight and pray deeply.

    Cling tightly to the Lord and He will carry you through this horrible time the way He carried me through my divorce. Bless you.
  4. Pal Handy

    Pal Handy Irregular Member

    Is there a possibility to reconcile?
    40 years is a lot to throw out the window.
    Divorce should not be the first thought but the last one.

    Pray and ask God for guidance.

    Father in the name of Jesus I ask that you be with
    my sister and comfort her and bring your Holy Spirit into her
    situation and guide her during this time.
    Father I ask that you would send the right people into her life
    during this time of need.
    I pray that she would be given Godly council and comfort
    by those that You would send into her life.
    Father I ask that you would protect her and her family from the workings
    of the enemy that would seek to work against them during this vulnerable time in their lives.
    Father I ask that you open the eyes of this husband to his sin so that he
    could find repentance and forgiveness.
    Father I ask that if it be possible in the hearts of these two that you
    would work a miracle of reconciliation in their lives.

    In Jesus name I pray.
  5. BFine

    BFine Seed Planter

    Calvary Chapel
    I would advise you to see a Christian counselor or talk with your minister about your situation...this is a forum made up of people, not sure if there are any professional counselors on here.

    Is there a possibility that you two would be interested in marriage counseling/marriage restoration? Have you spoken recently to your husband about ending his affair and reconciling or do you both want to divorce?
    40 yrs. of marriage is a lot to throw away...then there's division of all marital assets, splitting the family, but you two will still have to deal with each other because of the children/grandchildren etc.

    Where are you both at spiritually at this point?
  6. parsley

    parsley .

    So sorry to hear that.

    It will be a lot of work ahead to make the changes, but your husband has made change inevitable -- even if you were to stay together.

    You might be worried about his attitude with you and property, as some people can get unusually vengeful in a split. Please know that the court recognizes this as a common situation, and will defend a fairly balanced split of rights and property. That is what they're there for.

    They will suggest that you do not move out unexpectedly, or make quick decisions on property -- some people just want to walk away from everything and cut losses; while some want to deprive the other person of things; while some muster fear when their friends tell stories, and start seeing the spouse as an enemy. Legal experts will help you see what you have built up over the years, list it all and come to a fair agreement. So keep a cool head.

    That might not seem like Christian advice, but it looks like your husband has no intention to mend fences -- at least right now. So sorry that you have to go through this treatment, of someone you have cared for and shared memories with.

    In some US states, a couple can do the paperwork themselves... but if one party has been hiding things, and has a bad attitude, I wouldn't recommend this.

    We could give you a lot of advice, but you are probably too shaken up right now to follow a lot of should's. And I would probably sound insensitive saying this might be a good time to simplify responsibilities with an apartment... oh how nice it is to have home and land and memories.
  7. elenore

    elenore Guest

    I am really, really sorry for you and your situation. My prayers are with you. Don't assume that God wants you to stay with this man. You have biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage. I pray that God will give you comfort in this situation. He is our strength and if you lean on him through this, he will be there for you.
  8. SteveNZ

    SteveNZ Adventurer for my King

    I am so, so sorry..........

    (*So did you throw things at him and let him know he was a great ratbag ...... etc etc ...... I am not being funny just sharing how it must have felt in your heart and that a truth shared like that is not out of place......)

    Do pray like you have never prayed before.

    I do recommend you get safe Christian counsellors, what I mean is initially friends to cry with. Let them pray with you and guide you to the right counsellors. I think it unwise to do anything in a hurry.

    We can only hear the words you share and react! All our emotions are 'go' as well......

    Again I am so, so sorry.

    Cast all your cares on Jesus, for he cares for you.

    PRAYER: Lord Jesus please be with our friend who is crying away inside. Please comfort her and let her know that you understand. Please guide her now...... for you are loving and know this marriage better than anyone...... AMEN
  9. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    Forgive him.
  10. parsley

    parsley .

    By the way, it is admirable that you have been dealing with this since May, and have not done anything carelessly rash. You are probably putting up with some demeaning words, or at least attitudes, in your household. As others have said, there are in fact some biblical supports for divorce, so don't fear that God will abandon you.

    We are not making this up, but it is so hard to wrap one's head around it when people have been teaching loyalty so adamantly. Actually, in the law of Moses, an adulterer would be stoned before the divorce choice came up. (Do not try this at home.)
  11. Life2Christ

    Life2Christ Guest

    Agreed 100%. If your husband was showing you an ounce or remorse or some kind of good faith measure, I would say, forgive him and start your marriage anew. This man is throwing you under the bus and putting you in danger. Yes, pray mightily, by all means. But don't cling to this man. Cling to the Lord for his love is unchanging. Do not have faith in your husband but only in God Almighty who is by your side at this very moment carrying your pain. Let the chips fall where they may. One day you will forgive your husband, but now is not the time.

    P.S. I am not saying you should get a divorce, per se, I'm only saying, let the Lord fight your battles. Do not show loyalty to your husband at this time. Jesus commanded that a man should love his wife like He loved the church.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2011
  12. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    The Bible says a man can divorce his wife for adultery. Unless some drastic surgery happens to OP and her husband, I don't see that being an option here.

    Say it. Don't be afraid. WWJD. Forgiveness. Its good for him. Its good for you. God even likes it.
  13. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 We wait, and watch, and wonder.

    Perhaps if you head over to our Ask a Chaplain forum, one of the Chaplains may know of some useful resources that can help you.
  14. miamited

    miamited Ted Supporter

    hi elseig,

    Yes, I understand that you feel betrayed and hurt. Deeply hurt. Your husband has not been faithful to his commitment before God. However, you need to let God deal with him about that. Don't you go and make a foolish mistake in retaliation.

    Now, many will say here that Jesus approved of divorce in this situation. I don't agree. But whether he did or not, he did say that the forgiveness we receive from our heavenly Father will be measured with the same measure of forgiveness that we give to others. As I understand the Scriptures YOU are to do everything you can to keep the promise that you made before God in this marriage. To have and to hold in sickness and in health in good or bad. Your husband has sinned. Ok, just because that sin causes you a deep, deep pain is no reason to throw out the instructions of God.

    I do encourage you to pray diligently and if he claims to be a believer, that you take it before your pastor and if he isn't willing to stop his behavior, then take it before the church. However, your job, according to the Scriptures is to forgive him.

    According to Paul the only one who can leave a marriage is the unbeliever. Be very, very careful that you do not sin in your anger. Psalm 4:4.

    God bless you.
    In Christ, Ted
  15. elsieg

    elsieg Newbie

    Thanks to you all. I have read your posts carefully. Continue to pray for me.
  16. elenore

    elenore Guest

    Really? Have you looked at that scripture closely or the cultural context?

    Matt 19:9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness*, and marries another woman commits adultery."

    Original word is 'porniea' and means any serious sexual sin. (including fornication.)

    Now since both parties were stoned to death for adultery in the old testament, what if the man was committing 'porniea'? (or already had.)
    Does Gods standards change? Or can men cheat, be perverts, be homosexuals, sleep with animals and still live happily ever after with their wives?

    No. The bible tells us that no sexually immoral person (wantonly obviously) will enter the kingdom of heaven.

    Jesus lived in a male dominated society. When the woman who was caught in adultery was brought before him he let her off the hook. Why? Probably because the man was no where to be seen. Why? Think about it.

    The reason Jesus gave for divorce and remarriage, was serious sexual sin. If you honestly believe that that only means for men, you've missed the point of the rest of the bible. (Also, There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Gal 3:28)
  17. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    What does the words his and wife mean again?

    If you want to start stoning people for moral infractions go for it. You'll end up in jail or the loony bin shortly after the first toss.

    Or maybe she lied to the man and said she was really 18 and single. We don't know and its irresponsible for you to speculate about such things.

    When it comes to this subject the bible uses simple words that a child could understand. It takes putting way too much thought into it to see things that aren't there. Jesus preached forgiveness, or have you forgotten that?
  18. Pal Handy

    Pal Handy Irregular Member

    Matthew 19:8
    He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts,
    permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

    Divorce is not the answer but God working in your hearts to bring repentance
    and forgiveness is God's plan to redeem a terrible situation of betrayal and
    sin and bring about God's blessings in both of your lives instead of the devil's
    plan to kill, steal and destroy.

    Pray and give God a chance to work before you pull the plug....
  19. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran

    I'm so sorry about this too. We'll pray for you, too.

    I can appreciate everyone's concern about forgiving him. But there's a difference in forgiving him and continuing to be married to him. Forgiving him needs to be done whether you continue to be married or not.

    I wonder if he had done it before even to the point of thinking he couldn't get caught.

    Also, I would get an attorney asap who would take care of your financial interest whether you remain married or not.