changing appearance

[divachick]

Hi,

wanted to know peoples' thoughts on this please.

My father was abusive and people say I look like him. I really hate this and feel like he is a part of me and I can't get rid of him.

So.....I want to change my appearance - maybe plastic surgery. I know it's drastic and possibly wrong but I just can't get this out of my head and absolutely hate the fact that I feel he is a part of me. Is this wrong?

 

[s_gunter]

I don't know if it's wrong, but I truly do understand the sentiment. Every time I look in the mirror, I see the one who hurt me too. It drives me crazy, almost literally. I too have had these thoughts cross my mind, having plastic surgery and such.

I too feel that my mom (the one I look like) is too much a part of me. I have yet to find a way to shed this, except to constantly remind myself that I am not her. I may look like her, but I do not resemble her in the actions I take, the way I treat others, etc. I can't (and don't) talk with her much any more, since she likes to remind me that I do look like her and that I do share the same illness she has. She loves to tell me that she and I are just alike.... Not true, but she still loves to harm me still with her words...

 

[divachick]

Thanks,

It helps to know that someone else feels like this too - and maybe I'm not crazy for feeling like this.

Everytime I look in the mirror I feel this too - but you're right - this does not mean that we are like these people in any other way than looks.

It's still hard though and I always want to change the way I look. I hate seeing him in me!

 

[Daysoni]

Hey Diva Chick, This is a hard thing to deal with. I spent most of my life with different types of abuse. I tries every thing in my power to grow up and be different then my mother from her actions to her looks. The weird thing is that all though I got alot of abuse from her I got more from her husbsnds and boyfriends. It wasn't untell I forgave her for not taking care of me as a child and a teen that I could get over the same feeling. I had to look and see that their are so many differences. I'm sure that when you sit back and think about it there are going to be some physical traits along with personality that are different. That's what makes us unique. You are a child of God. He has made you from his heart. So maybe try and look at it from that point. Give this situation to God. In time he will heal your feelings.

 

[del66]

Hello Diva Chick
I would like to start by saying God Bless you!!!
I am also a victim of abuse. My mother aboused me physically when i was a child. I have major issues with my mother that are unresolved , and they have re- surfaced and affect me in my present life. I have to go back to rehab here in the next few weeks sometime. I look just like my mom. But guess what? Its only when i am netgative and angry. So I try not to be that way because that is all she showed me.... And I have grown alot since i got therapy 7 years ago.... and i did learn that I am not her, and that she does not rule my life and that she cant hurt me any more and that i am a unique creation of god and that he made me to live my life for myself and not my mom or dad or anyone else. Believe me sweetie, it has been a hard long road to get to where i am today.. but i am so blessed in so many ways and I can carry on because i pray alot and give my problems to god and let go of them ... he is so awsome and he takes good good care of me. I have him to thank for so so so many things and I want you to know that I thought about plastic surgery. My godfather from my catholic infancy is a general plastic surgeon. And i could have any kind of surgery i want. But god made me whom I am and I am me. I am special. I am ok with the way I look. And I dont want to ruin gods creation of me in any way. Why?
because each and every one of us are a work of art!!
and there is no one out there exactly like you !!! nowhere!! you are special!! and unique and authentic!! If you want to private message me to talk do so !! I have so much in common with you and would love to talk, help, and pray for you any time!
God Bless you and take special care!!!
del66

 

[divachick]

Thanks Daysoni and Del 66,

It really helps to know other people feel like this - a relief actually as sometimes I think I'm going a bit mad.

You are right - I'm not the same as him and look different in many ways too. He doesn't define who I am.

I need to work on this - I've made a lot of progress but there's still so much hurt and pain in me. It takes such a long time to get over things in the past.

Thank you

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I really think that you shouldn't go that drastic. I know what it's like to be there. My brother was abusive and him and I are frequently associated as twins. Its hard, and haunting...but God made you as you, not ur father. always keep that in mind.
be strong in the Lord
J.j

 

[cruztacean]

Not wanting to have any part of Papa...I know that feeling. "You're just like your father." Him? I'm just like HIM? Yecch.

In my rational mind I realize that he, like all of us, had good, bad, and neutral parts to him. The trouble is, even the neutral or good things are part of HIM, and I don't want that. For a long time this issue kept me from taking my anti-depressants. My father had a mental illness, and I WOULD NOT be like him. Then I realized something: Acknowledging that I have an illness, listening to my doctor, and taking medication would make me *nothing* like my father, who would do none of those things.

Fortunately I look more like my mother than I do my father, but then again, I've also been told I look very much like my grandmother who is *his* mother. That's OK with me. Grandma was a wonderful person; I just don't know how on Earth she happened to give birth to a monster like my father. I don't know quite what to do to keep from *looking* like your father, outside of some plastic surgery which might be understandable if drastic, but for me I had to make sure I don't have my father's last name. I've been married and divorced several times and didn't feel it was right to keep an ex-husband's last name, nor did I want to, but I sure didn't want to go back to using my father's last name either. My solution was to take Grandma's maiden name. This is the name I'll keep from now on, even though I am married again. (My husband understood that I just didn't want to go through another name change.)

 

[divachick]

Yes, even something like changing your name can help. More recently I have seen myself having a similar attitude to him. where I thought I was actually rebelling against him and being completely different I was in fact being as stubborn and arrogant in another way. I guess it's a learning process - I know I'm completely different in so many ways but if someone says "you look really like your dad" I just want to change that. I suppose the main thing is to have a different attitude and approach to life.