Change is so hard...

[Jenna]

My husband and I have been struggling since the beginning of our marriage, or rather- I have. We've had a lot of crazy things happen between us, and he seems to have changed a great deal, in what I wouldn't consider a positive direction. He thinks that mocking and belittling me is good sport. He has reduced making love to simply sex, no feelings involved. There is no intimacy between us, physical or emotional. I spend all of my time trying to hide my vulnerable parts from him because he has no respect for my feelings.

I have tried so hard to explain to him what it is that I need from him. I've tried to help him understand that while it seems real easy for him to say that he loves me, it isn't that easy for me to believe him. There is no action to back up what he says, and it leaves his words with a hollow ring for me. Every time that he gets angry and violent, calls me nasty names, everything just screams at me 'hate'.

For a long time now, I have held his love up as the prize, something that maybe if I tried hard enough, I could really win it. I know that it's silly. I guess I've just gotten to the point when I am just so tired of begging for scraps that I'd rather just starve than do it any more. I am terribly hurt, and he doesn't even want to recognize that he isn't treating me well. We've tried going to Christian couples things for marriage, but he doesn't stick with any of the positive lessons that he learns.

I've decided that I'm going to go away for a bit, though I'm not really sure that I want to come back. So many times he has said that things will change, that he will try harder to show me the love I deserve, but nothing ever changes. I feel like I am living in limbo while he decides whether I am worthy enough to invest himself in. It has done terrible things to my sense of self-worth, and I struggle so hard to even love myself a little.

I'm going to go and live with my grandparents for a while, see how things work out. No, there isn't anyone else. Lord know, at this point I don't know if I ever want to be romantically involved with anyone again, my husband or otherwise. I want so much for things to work out between us, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight every day of my life, just for the things that he promised me and should give freely. How can I ever trust his word? Even if he swore to me (again) that things would change, begged me to stay.... what would be the point? How can I believe that he's ever going to love me for the person that I am? All I see is that he doesn't want to be alone. I'm more than just a couch warmer though. I want to be important to him, and I'm not. I feel tremendous guilt, feeling as though I am destroying our marriage, while a voice in my head whispers that it's already been far gone. I know what his love feels like, yet he thinks that I'm supposed to be happy with what he now gives. I feel like I've been robbed of the best thing I've ever had, and there isn't a darned thing I can do to get it back. I can't make him love me, and it just kills me.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Jenna, first of all WATCH OUT! You are on dangerous grounds. Watch out for other men who are NOT moral, looking for prey like yourself. You may find them on-line (anywhere) or run into them in person. Don't even give them a chance if you see it coming. Secondly, your husband needs personal counseling first, then marriage counseling for both of you. Be careful, ok? That's my opinion. I hope it helps. God Bless. You can do it! He's got to be willing to look into his anger management.

 

[MG]

I know this sounds soooo very cliche but I know how you feel.

If it is advice you seek, I will let someone else jump in that is more eloquent with their words. But if it is support you need from someone who has been there and made it through I AM HERE.

You will be prayed for sweetie. Just remember that you are very precious to the Lord and He is near you even though it doesn't seem so.

Father-- I lift my sister up to you for healing and strength. I pray Father God that your guiding and healing hand would restore this marriage in the precious name of Jesus Christ.
Amen

 

[Micaiah]

I hope that you are seeking to follow God's will for your marriage. Clearly, He says those who are married should not separate.

1 Corinthians 7

Keep Your Marriage Vows
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
12But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

Can I encourage you to continue to be the kind of wife God requires even in this difficult situation. Your actions and attitudes will be a powerful witness both to your husband and those who observe your conduct.

Personally I find one of the hardest things is to continue to follow God's way in the path of opposition and even hate from those who should show love and compassion. But there is tremendous freedom in being able to respond in the way that God desires, and to be able to show His love in the face of such antagonism.

God knows all about the situation in which you find yourself. This difficulty can be a powerful catalyst for spiritual growth and maturity, if you will follow Him.

James 1

1 James, a bondservant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

To the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad:

Greetings.

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Pray for His strength and guidance. He promises to give us the power to endure, and to follow His commands.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Remember the example of Jesus:

17Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,"[1] says the Lord. 20Therefore


"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head."[2]


21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Lord, I know these are hard words to swallow. They are contrary to our human nature. You created us, and therefore know what is best for us. You died for us, showing that your love for us. Help our sister to focus on serving and honouring you in this trial. May she be confident that you will help and guide, and that you love her.
Amen

 

[desi]

Jenna, people treat us based on how we treat them. If you change the way you act toward him he will change too. Leaving is no good.

 

[Micaiah]

Couldn't have said it better

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Jenna, people treat us based on how we treat them. If you change the way you act toward him he will change too. Leaving is no good.

She is not divorcing him just leaving until he straightens out. If her side of the story is accurate then this is probably the best thing for her right now. Your statement that people treat us based on how we treat them has little bearing in reality. Abusive spouses do not abuse based on how they are treated. Controlling spouses usually do not control based on how they are treated but from a lack of self respect.

Ine the OP she describes a very emotionally abusive relationship. She does not have to stay and take it. She can seperate herself from the situation and pray that God will heal her damaged emotions, her husband, and her marriage. This is in fact what she has stated she plans to do. Why in the world would you want someone to stay in home that they are abused in? There is no compassion and love in your words for this hurting soul. As long as she steers clear of divorce and focuses on prayer and healing her marriage then she is doing the right thing. Abusers have no basis in reality for their actions, it is often based on a percieved wrong or their own psychological problems. The verbal insults and constant degrading are commonly precursors to very real physical abuse. It is best she protect herself and offer it up to God so that he can heal the damage already done to her emotionally and take care of her marriage. Your advice has the real possibility of placing her in the way of bodily harm and is ill conceived.

 

[William Nunn]

I know this won't be a popular viewpoint with many here, but I've always ran with the line of thought that if the marriage is in shambles - the blame predominantly is the man's. Of course, there are some women who are just evil harpies, but in this case, it looks as though Jenna is a loving and supportive wife who is just desiring to be loved and appreciated by her husband.

If you disagree, then I suggest reading the book "Do Yourself a Favor - Love Your Wife." It is very on point about what should be expected of a christian husband and that is the one responsible for the marriage. The woman is the weaker vessel to the man, as man is the weaker vessel to the Lord, and we are to love our wives as the Lord loves us. Woman was made to be man's helper, and if she doesn't feel loved and appreciated - why should she want to be any man's helper?

Jenna, you are right to not sit around and take this. This man obviously doesn't realize what a blessing a loving wife is, and therefore doesn't deserve one. Of course I'm not saying leave him, but if he has to spend time without you, then he should wake up and see how much better you make his life (because even though a lot of husbands won't admit it, a good christian wife makes our lives immensely more enjoyable and fulfilling - even if they do buy a lot of shoes!) The Lord doesn't intend for you to be this man's mannequin Jenna, he intends for you to be his wife, which also entails him being a loving and caring husband. So I sincerely pray that this is resolved and your husband opens his eyes and realizes what a blessing you are.

 

[LN]

Jenna - I just read a chapter in a book that reminds me of your situation. Pick up the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and read specifically chapter 10 or 11 which is titled "loving the unlovable."

With that said, I'm not sure that I personally could endure emaotional abuse by my husband which is what the above posters are suggesting you do. I have a friend's whose husband is emotional and physically abusive and I'm definately supporting her in the process of filing for divorce. From what I understand by his actions when here on Earth, I'm not sure Jesus would ever want us to be anyone's punching bag.

LN

 

[Jenna]

Let me say first that, no, I don't want to divorce my husband. All I would like is for him to live up to what he knows is right. Unfortunately, he has become very comfortable with our relationship to the point that he has no fear. Normally I would say that that is a very good thing, but not when it leads one to be cruel to the one that have vowed to love as Christ loves his church. I wouldn't consider cussing, calling me foul names, and slapping me to be very Christ-like behavior. To be honest, I don't know what God's will is in this area of my life. I also don't think that anyone else, save God himself, can answer that. I know that marriage is terribly important to Him, the parellels between a man and his wife and God and His church are numerous. I haven't overlooked them. I just ever want to reach that point where I become another statistic because I allowed poor behavior to continue, embracing the possibility that my husband could turn violent to the point of causing serious harm- or worse. The door swings both ways with responsibility.

I've never wanted to divorce my husband. I love him tremendously, even when it seems that he doesn't feel the same way about me. You know, there are times like this when I wish that some men who proclaim themselves as "Christians" would soften their heart and just listen to God's Word, and there would never be a situation where a woman felt she needed to walk away for a man to realize that he's been shirking his duty. I feel that I am perfectly justified in my righteous anger, especially when women are held more accountable than the men who refuse to do God's bidding in the first place.

After extensive talks and tears, I think that we've come to a bit of an understanding. That is not to say that anything has truly changed thusfar. I'm sure that plenty of people know what it is to think maybe they reached someone, only to find out time and time again that they were being manipulated to keep them from leaving. What I hope is that my husband will soften his heart to God, His will, and the good things that can come from loving his wife. All I have ever wanted was to love him, make him happy, and enjoy raising beautiful babies together. None of that is possible for as long as he alienates me or tears down my sense of worth. The shell of a person is useless without what makes them beautiful, caring, and THEMSELF. He is scared now, and I can't say that I am sorry. He broke down to tears last night, and I think that it could be the best thing for him. I am still going to go away for a little while, though nowhere near what I had expected. I want him to taste what it will be like without me, if he chooses to not honor his vow, not only to me, but to God. I'll be back though, and hopefully we'll both have had plenty of time for examining our feelings and how we treat each other.....

 

[MG]

Jenna,

I think that you are very strong and have a bucketload of wisdom. And your decision to leave for a spell will give your husband (and yourself) an opportunity to grow in the Lord.

I am a believer that a happy marriage is built under the covering of the Father. Headship is SO VERY important in a marriage! If the husband has fallen outside the headship of God, then it is a struggle for a wife to be the thread that holds the marriage together.

I pray that your husbands heart will meet with God during your time apart. I hope that he can see the will of God and the importance of being the leader in your home so he can love you wholeheartedly and give you what you need Jenna.

 

[MG]

She is not divorcing him just leaving until he straightens out. If her side of the story is accurate then this is probably the best thing for her right now. Your statement that people treat us based on how we treat them has little bearing in reality. Abusive spouses do not abuse based on how they are treated. Controlling spouses usually do not control based on how they are treated but from a lack of self respect.

Ine the OP she describes a very emotionally abusive relationship. She does not have to stay and take it. She can seperate herself from the situation and pray that God will heal her damaged emotions, her husband, and her marriage. This is in fact what she has stated she plans to do. Why in the world would you want someone to stay in home that they are abused in? There is no compassion and love in your words for this hurting soul. As long as she steers clear of divorce and focuses on prayer and healing her marriage then she is doing the right thing. Abusers have no basis in reality for their actions, it is often based on a percieved wrong or their own psychological problems. The verbal insults and constant degrading are commonly precursors to very real physical abuse. It is best she protect herself and offer it up to God so that he can heal the damage already done to her emotionally and take care of her marriage. Your advice has the real possibility of placing her in the way of bodily harm and is ill conceived.

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to KNOW that a man said this! For someone who has been in a situation very similar to Jenna's, this post could only bring hope. God bless you flesh for having an amazing and empathetic heart.

 

[fulfilled]

Jenna

I feel your heart. It can be very difficult trying to do or say the right things under these circumstances. I admire your willingness to be vulnerable but at the same time stand strong in your christian faith. I had been in a somewhat similar situation but I reacted differently, my self pride took over, I was determined to show my spouse that I was worthy of everything I was not getting from him and that he was lucky to have me for a wife. Bad idea! It almost ruined what was left of my marriage. The enemy is attacking your marriage and that is who we should focus on. I pray that God will comfort you and give you the grace to be on your knees constantly for your husband and ignore his shortcomings. God knows how to comfort you at this time, trust in Him more than you trust in anyone else and He will give you the desires of your heart. I pray that whatever the enemy has purposed for your marriage will be destroyed. I would ask for prayers from christians all over. There is power in prayer. I will be praying for you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Did things go bad after tristan?

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

"Personally I find one of the hardest things is to continue to follow God's way in the path of opposition and even hate from those who should show love and compassion. But there is tremendous freedom in being able to respond in the way that God desires, and to be able to show His love in the face of such antagonism."

My goodness, this is the hardest thing for me too.

"Jenna, people treat us based on how we treat them. If you change the way you act toward him he will change too."

If what she is saying is true then this is bad advice. Are you questioning her integrity because she is a woman? Women can make decisions too and shouldn't always listen or submit to husbands as if they were king no matter what! [EDIT]She is definitely doing the right thing. He needs a serious wake up call and perHaps reminder from time to time! :fixed:

 

[desi]

Jenna this will get me a lot of bad press but I have to get it out. By breaking him down and leaving you are opening him up to losing you. You are behaving contrary to eveything I've read in the Bible about how a woman is supposed to act in a marriage. Write me off if you want but don't do it to your husband. I mean, what do you expect him to do. What would you think if he did it to you? A husband's job is hard, I know because I am one. Cut him some slack and stick around for both of your benefit.

 

[seebs]

I think the entire point is that he's started taking her for granted. If the possibility of losing her is enough to make him take a look at his actions, and nothing else was, then it's exactly what he needs.

Hitting is not okay. It does not become okay, and it is not something you should tolerate for the sake of "the marriage". A marriage is not two people stuck under one roof resenting each other. If he's hitting you, he's already largely lost you; the question is whether he can recognize this in time to turn around and come back. He left you long before you walked out the door. If he realizes this, there is hope.

 

[desi]

I think the entire point is that he's started taking her for granted. If the possibility of losing her is enough to make him take a look at his actions, and nothing else was, then it's exactly what he needs.

He is the husband, as such he is the leader. If anyone is to set him straight it should be the wife's father. A wife is not on equal ground with her husband per the Bible.

Hitting is not okay. It does not become okay, and it is not something you should tolerate for the sake of "the marriage". A marriage is not two people stuck under one roof resenting each other. If he's hitting you, he's already largely lost you; the question is whether he can recognize this in time to turn around and come back. He left you long before you walked out the door. If he realizes this, there is hope.

Nonsense, if you leave him you are wrong because you are not treating him as the Bible demands. If your husband is not treating you right you need to defer to your father or brother, get a male from your family involved otherwise your marriage is heading for disaster.

 

[seebs]

He is the husband, as such he is the leader. If anyone is to set him straight it should be the wife's father. A wife is not on equal ground with her husband per the Bible.

If the leader is doing a bad job, then it falls on everyone else to correct him.

Nonsense, if you leave him you are wrong because you are not treating him as the Bible demands. If your husband is not treating you right you need to defer to your father or brother, get a male from your family involved otherwise your marriage is heading for disaster.

You may believe whatever you wish. When I read the Bible, though, I see a lot of effort going into correcting precisely such mistakes as you make here.

Her husband took vows to her, not to her male relatives. Furthermore, your suggestion is meaningless for anyone who doesn't have male relatives.

The fact is, she's the one he made promises to, and if he's not keeping those promises, she's the one with the authority to call him on his shortcomings.

 

[desi]

If the leader is doing a bad job, then it falls on everyone else to correct him.

This is something you made up. We are all responsible for ourselves and how we behave. Her behaving poorly as a wife only reflects on her, leaving husband. Her husband is responsible for himself and will answer to Christ for his deficiencies.

You may believe whatever you wish. When I read the Bible, though, I see a lot of effort going into correcting precisely such mistakes as you make here.

Her husband took vows to her, not to her male relatives. Furthermore, your suggestion is meaningless for anyone who doesn't have male relatives.

The fact is, she's the one he made promises to, and if he's not keeping those promises, she's the one with the authority to call him on his shortcomings.

I believe what the Bible says. She has no authority as a wife "to call him on his shortcomings." If I am wrong please quote the scripture and I will freely admit it. Two wrongs do not make right.