Celibate Marriage

[blackribbon]

^ yup. I see more value in a small ceremony and saving money to invest more of it in the future and on small vacations. Those that go into debt from a big wedding often regret it and money issues pile up and many divorce from it and the issues may have well started at the wedding. I am aware of vasectomies and have considered it and would strongly do so if someone came into my life that was willing to work with me or vice versa. Another fear is that I know some women who didn't want children when they married but years later changed their minds and it led to divorce as well. Ugh..

If you are adamant about not wanting children (and I "get it" based on your medical issues), then get the vasectomy now so it is understood that babies are not an option to anyone who would enter in a relationship with you. It takes that problem off the table and then maybe you might not have to have a completely celibate marriage if either of you wants to work within the realms of your ... or her ... medical limitations.

 

[Swords&Sunflowers]

Hey don't get discouraged, I know a couple of people who got married and didn't have kids and I even have a current friend who agreed with her fiance that they would not have kids, her reason was because of finances. It really depends on the situation. I don't think it is a wrong desire especially if you want a God honoring marriage. Who knows, there's someone out there who have the same desires as you. But yeah, just don't let it consume you. Do what you can and search, but ultimately trust God. And there's no telling really, how your desires might change throughout the years or even if the person you find might change too. Circumstances and people change, it's a fact of life, so it's really important that your relationship with God is strong that you come to the point that whether you do find someone or not, it is well with your soul. And build relationships with other people while you are single, being single does not equate loneliness. Married people also get lonely. Marriage is a LOT of work. Marriage is only as good as your singleness. And worrying about divorce now, is not productive. Arguments, miscommunications, misunderstandings are bound to eventually happen, but what can keep you in a marriage is if you both put God as the center and treat each other with respect, and abolish selfishness. Marriage is a lot about giving and sacrificing, it's serving the other person. So it's important to chose the right person but also to be the right person. But yeah, prayers to you that you will find the right person (and i apologize if much of what i said was probably already said to you in the past).

 

[Niels]

I'm not interested in a so-called "loveless" marriage, so I don't want to marry a celibate woman, but celibates have happily married each other.

If that kind of arrangement works for the two of you, go for it. No judgment from me.


Edit: Changed the wording slightly to better clarify my point.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I'm not interested in a "loveless" marriage, so I don't want to marry a celibate woman, but others have done it.

If that kind of arrangement works for the two of you, go for it. No judgment from me.

loveless? That might be taking things to an extreme...

You love your mother?
You love your friends?
You love your father?
You love Jesus?

You have sex with any of them? (I hope not)

Just as sex can exist without love, love can exist without sex. I was a heavily affectionate person and never got much at all from my parents. I still would love to be but years of absence from physical touch has led to fear and suspicion.

I realize it's rare to enter a celibate marriage but what about people who end up like me after getting married? Getting illnesses and diseases that impair them. In sickness and in health.... You abandon your partner over an illness? My issue is having the illness before hand. It's already there and that makes things difficult.

 

[Niels]

That's why I put "loveless" in quotes.

Sexless marriages are commonly referred to as loveless marriages, but I've allowed for other definitions of love.

 

[MariaJLM]

That's why I put "loveless" in quotes.

Sexless marriages are commonly referred to as loveless marriages, but I've allowed for other definitions of love.

People desperately need to understand that love and lust are two different emotions.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Just as sex can exist without love, love can exist without sex. I was a heavily affectionate person and never got much at all from my parents. I still would love to be but years of absence from physical touch has led to fear and suspicion.

I get why you don't want kids. Which a vasectomy would fix. But why don't you want to have sex once you are married?

 

[Sir Robbins]

I get why you don't want kids. Which a vasectomy would fix. But why don't you want to have sex once you are married?

to a degree, I can't have it or it would be very difficult. MS has disrupted communication between my brain and "you know what". This can make me unresponsive to signals such as touch, leaving it difficult for things to happen. I cannot keep any sort of erection more than maybe 30 seconds.

That's why.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

to a degree, I can't have it or it would be very difficult. MS has disrupted communication between my brain and "you know what". This can make me unresponsive to signals such as touch, leaving it difficult for things to happen. I cannot keep any sort of erection more than maybe 30 seconds.

That's why.

Medication doesn't help?

 

[CodyFaith]

It's going to be difficult or near impossible to find a partner who won't want that sort of thing in a marriage.

With that being said, why do you have to forego any form of sexuality? I understand your diagnosis makes it difficult for you, but I don't see why you have to get rid of sexuality completely. There's a functional person in there... do the math. Not going to spell it out further in respect to the rules.

Chances of finding a partner who will not have any form of sexuality in their marriage? Very slim to zero in my opinion. Finding a partner who doesn't want biological children from you who is accepting of your condition who will recieve from you and give to you intimacy in your marriage? Very possible or reasonable in my opinion, higher probability than you might think, especially if you put your hope in God.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Being physically unable to have sex doesn't mean you can't have some form of intimacy. I know some couples where one partner has a physical disability (e.g. paralysis) but that doesn't stop them being intimate. And in some cases, these disabilities occur before marriage - obviously, a couple should spend a great deal of time thinking and praying through the issues before making such a commitment, but it can happen.

Thinking about the couples I know, I would say the marriages that appear the strongest are those where couples have had to face difficulties beforehand (physical disability, marrying someone from a very different culture/country, past history of physical/sexual abuse etc) I sometimes think that couples who seem 'ideal' on the surface and who appear to have no problems can rush into marriage (usually encouraged by matchmaking churches!) and then struggle when they realise that marriage doesn't mean 'happily ever after'. Whereas couples who have had to overcome difficulties and really think through what marriage means, and what difficulties they might experience in it, are better prepared and therefore more likely to build a strong relationship.

 

[Niels]

I first interpreted this thread as though you were asexual, yet still looking for a wife. Asexuals can and do marry, but there can be problems if only one partner is asexual and the other wants sex.

Now it seems that you aren't asexual. Perhaps you can find somebody who also has physical issues, or can otherwise accommodate yours. It's certainly possible. As has been mentioned, there's more than one way to be intimate.

 

[Sir Robbins]

Medication doesn't help?

no medication for PPMS. Nothing can repair nerve damage.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I first interpreted this thread as though you were asexual, yet still looking for a wife. Asexuals can and do marry, but there can be problems if only one partner is asexual and the other wants sex.

Now it seems that you aren't asexual. Perhaps you can find somebody who also has physical issues, or can otherwise accommodate yours. It's certainly possible. As has been mentioned, there's more than one way to be intimate.

I haven't had an issue with being intimate, just wondering sexually. I have no issues doing "things" to please another person. It's the fact that they can't do anything back and so on. That was my main point. If I have to settle that route, I'm ok with it but there's obviously a preference

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

no medication for PPMS. Nothing can repair nerve damage.

Papaverine?

 

[Sir Robbins]

Papaverine?

does nothing to fix communication signals. That's what I was meaning and was not specific. My apologies on that.

on a side note, a vasectomy is quite affordable out of pocket here in Orlando.