Causes of Singleness

[JustSomeBloke]

Just a few thoughts I've had recently about causes of singleness. Maybe it will provoke some debate and be helpful, maybe not. They are not listed in any particular order.

1. Work/social/church doesn't result in contact with many potential matches.
2. Conversation style and strategy with potential matches is designed to only identify negative attributes in people rather than positive attributes.
3. List of wants is so long and desire for perfection is so great that there is no one who can measure up.
4. Rejecting lovely people for superficial reasons such as looks, height, money, clothes.
5. Thinking that God will provide a partner if He intends you to have one, but not putting in much effort to find someone.
6. Taking so long to get over previous relationships and crushes that little time and energy remains for finding someone new.
7. Suffering from shyness and anxiety when trying to meet and talk to potential partners.
8. Often being drawn to people who excite, but are ultimately a poor match for a stable, long-term relationship.
9. Becoming physically or emotionally attracted and attached to people who have too many unresolved issues to be a realistic prospect.
10. Lack of confidence is readily apparent and proves a turn-off to potential matches.
11. Always becoming trapped in the friend zone when meeting new people.
12. Very little experience of dating or interacting with the opposite sex, and never really learning how to flirt.
13. List of wants contains two characteristics that are not usually found together in one person, making the pond being fished from very small.
14. Rarely receive replies or get dates when using online dating due to poor profile or lacklustre messaging style.
15. Becoming depressed by the matching process, and potential partners picking up on the negativity.
16. Paradox of choice in online dating makes it difficult to settle, even when someone good comes along.
17. Not actively looking because happy being single, not ready for a relationship, or feel demoralised by the search process.
18. Interests, hobbies and activities are so esoteric that few potential partners can relate.

 

[justtrance]

Too much confidence may be an issue if the person doesn't acknowledge their own weaknesses.

I personally have a hard time with dating because I would never want to hurt anyone. Inevitably I will be forced to hurt someone's feelings when I decline their request for a date and that is no bueno.

 

[bèlla]

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[justtrance]

I disagree with number four. No one accepts everything. It's commonplace to name external preferences while sidestepping health and social aptitude. What about those with disabilities, mental health challenges, or phobias that impact their communication?

They get passed over all the time and no one says a word. If we're going to call things out lets be thorough. If you don't have a carte blanche approach to your dating practice and openly embrace Christians from all walks of life; you can't criticize anyone.

It is equally superficial to discriminate against people with disabilities, health challenges, and communication issues.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

I didn't get the impression that any of the list was meant to be accusatory. Perhaps we just need to add discrimination of the aforementioned issues to the list?

I personally try not to be too picky regarding looks but I see nothing wrong with my limiting my dating to people I desire to kiss!

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[dzheremi]

You forgot being ugly, OP. Plenty of ugmos out there. Best not to sugarcoat it and give people false hopes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[justtrance]

I know it wasn't. But it comes up often and I finally addressed it.

Like you noted in your comment; you'll have to tell someone no eventually. That's part of the process. They're proposing a kind of acceptable rejection that's false. The person you declined probably feels otherwise.

You're lying to yourself if you believe you're 'better' because you didn't reject someone on their appearance while discounting the disabled person who might be a good fit.

You can't say you don't discriminate either. You do it everyday in your choices.

I prefer to view it from a position of limitations. What can I realistically handle without feeling overwhelmed? I see it from an as-is perspective. Can I live with it? If my acceptance is dependent on change that's unfair to the other person. I need to be honest with myself and them too.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

I didn't say any of the items you listed in your post. I hope you aren't referring to me. I fully believe that there is a difference between being judgemental and using good judgement.

*** EDIT: I see you added a caveat to your original post and are not talking to me. lol ***

 

[justtrance]

You forgot being ugly, OP. Plenty of ugmos out there. Best not to sugarcoat it and give people false hopes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You mean number 4 wasn't blunt enough for your liking? haha

 

[bèlla]

I didn't say any of the items you listed in your post. I hope you aren't referring to me. I fully believe that there is a difference between being judgemental and using good judgement.

I think you're reading my comments from the wrong angle. I'm addressing behavior. Not a person.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[dzheremi]

You mean number 4 wasn't blunt enough for your liking? haha

Who has time for artifice?

 

[Noxot]

Incompetence to support yourself and the partner (in a variety of ways ) is a pretty good reason for continued singularity. No one wants a burden. they either want to be relieved of their burden or to share in their burdens. Those that cannot survive well become a hindrance to the tribe. There are valid reasons why people do not like losers. in general anything that would affect your rate of survival and get in the way of genetic reproduction will be a cause for the singularity.

I believe in the pre-existence of souls (origens idea, it's not the exact same thing as some Buddhist and Hindu people believe). I think God probably had a divine idea of me and my perfect mate, I think that when I was created I was created alongside her. So I don't want to be with anyone because a majority of relationships I believe are transient relationships. This I consider to be a spiritual reason to be single.

I know that in the other world it will be easier to discern what is what and who is who. There will simply be more of a guarantee of a correct relationship. In this world we mostly walk around blind groping at things, although miracles do happen in this world and some relationships are pretty good and heavenly. Most people that think they have found their "soulmate" are being silly. that is not to say that they don't experience some kind of spiritual communion with their soulmate in a transient relationship with another. Because of the way the spiritual world works it's possible, and it would have been beneficial to the ones in the transient relationship because of how God orders all things correctly. Degradation of a person is always evil.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

It's commonplace to name external preferences while sidestepping health and social aptitude.

Not sure about the US, but here in the UK, equality of opportunity only really applies in employment law. Even for those that bang the equality drum more than everyone else, I'm fairly sure that most of them don't apply those same principles when choosing a life partner.

What about those with disabilities, mental health challenges, or phobias that impact their communication?

My perspective on number 4 is that those who are single are potentially missing out on a very rewarding relationship when they reject those people outright, or do not spend enough time exploring what they offer.

You forgot being ugly, OP. Plenty of ugmos out there. Best not to sugarcoat it and give people false hopes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LOL! I'm an ugger, and I've had a few girlfriends, so clearly looks are not everything.

 

[bèlla]

No one wants a burden. they either want to be relieved of their burden or to share in their burdens.

That's 100% true. Sometimes a person will compromise if they bring other qualities to the table which offset the lack.

Those that cannot survive well become a hindrance to the tribe. There are valid reasons why people do not like losers. in general anything that would affect your rate of survival and get in the way of genetic reproduction will be a cause for the singularity.

I could encourage someone who felt like a loser. But I couldn't date him. I don't like pessimism.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[bèlla]

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[JustSomeBloke]

I could encourage someone who felt like a loser. But I couldn't date him. I don't like pessimism.

I'd guess that the majority of people would say the same. They are all looking for a 'winner'. So what typically happens is that dating becomes an exercise in marketing, and the 'winners' are those with the most bombast, rather than those who are fairly quiet and dislike blowing their own trumpet. Furthermore, imposter syndrome means that highly competent people may come across as 'losers'.

 

[bèlla]

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[bèlla]

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[Noxot]

I could encourage someone who felt like a loser. But I couldn't date him. I don't like pessimism

They shouldn't stay in that state and you wisely and kindly fight against it, because God wants to fight it.

the difference between pessimism and encouragement speaks of an ontological process of reality that Jacob Boheme and Nikolai Berdyaev described,

Spoiler: yadayada

too hard to describe it fully but it is truly Christian in its scope and part of the reason why I think it is within Christianity that the fullness of the truth is best explained, having enough power to correct and refine other religious expressions in ways that other religions neglect, namely the importance of personality-soul and a freedom that is not God's, and of course the Revelation that God is love. Love is not nearly as important in most other religions (as an ultimate truth ) as it is in Christianity which leads to the importance of both freedom and personality, the personal unique soul, not just some kind of universal Eternal Soul. In non-dualism and monism which is pantheism, God could only love and enjoy himself, only he is an ultimate and thus ridding oneself of personality is needed so that God can be. It is in Christianity that the kingdom of God is revealed. Christianity is the superior religion that talks of a positive expression of reality, rather than flinging backwards into the divine simplicity as the ultimate goal, which we certainly have as well.

the very words you said are a symbol partially describing the process of the resolving of two Freedom's into a third, the Trinity being the completion of this process. This nothing (God emptied part of himself, he created all things out of nothing, in this he is revealed as creator and has something he can emanate himself into and reveal himself in)... The nothing wants to be something so it flees from Itself by becoming something, but this something is blind and imperfect, it is pessimistic, a loser, and yearns for what it really is kin to. The Divine element enlightens and completes this void, it transforms and is stabilized by the essence of a spark of the Divine. The son of God who is the son of man answers the call of the father, having in him the perfected Union of void and divinity, is capable of knowing the father and being beloved by him and the son loves and knows him back.

They feel that way for a reason so they should find out why they feel that way, because it's good for them to be better. Self-knowledge is extremely useful. Self-actualization means being the drop of the Void and the spark of the Divine, only that is stabilized being, only that allows for "non-samsaric" becoming. Only then is there a self, served by not-self. Void on its own is vanity, striving, darkness, a crying out to God, the crucifixion of Christ, wrathful torment over the need for it's stabilizing element.

it's fine to be defeated. we are all defeated in various ways, that's part of the game of this world. it's not fine to stay defeated and to keep defeating yourself forever. We are to be more than conquerors, we are predestined for more than death and sorrow and suffering.

Spoiler: blabla

So the outside viewing of the New Jerusalem must result in more than weeping and gnashing of teeth, we must enter in. The gates are always open. Until then it is a cursed tree of knowledge of Good and Evil, a duality. We are to not eat. We are to be crucified with Christ, that is the way in and how the evil one is overcome. But a little light helps just like David's playing music for Saul Comforts saul.

Of course this process mostly happens with little pieces of us at a time, a process of sanctification and growth. But we must be willing, we must taste and see that God is good. We must realize that we are poor and wretched... and who it is that turns the desert into a well-watered garden.

So basically if a person is willing to be improved, that in itself is a great quality that should be recognized. It is better to give than to receive. But giving implies you have something to give. Everyone has something to give, what a wonderful joy to increase and multiply that.

 

[bèlla]

They shouldn't stay in that state and you wisely and kindly fight against it, because God wants to fight it.

I don’t believe in staying stuck nor do I feel pessimism is biblically supported. Moments of lowness are a fact of life. But remaining in that state as a constant isn’t.

They feel that way for a reason so they should find out why they feel that way, because it's good for them to be better. Self-knowledge is extremely useful.

I don’t think its emphasized enough. We glorify the negative too much for my tastes. I’m interested in good news, breakthroughs, and manifestations of God’s goodness and power. The constant focus on problems, what the Devil is doing, or what’s wrong steals our joy.

it's not fine to stay defeated and to keep defeating yourself forever. We are to be more than conquerors, we are predestined for more than death and sorrow and suffering.

I agree. I know many who feel the same. God placed them in my life. They’re believers but they don’t act like victims or wallow in the doldrums.

Of course this process mostly happens with little pieces of us at a time, a process of sanctification and growth. But we must be willing, we must taste and see that God is good. We must realize that we are poor and wretched... and who it is that turns the desert into a well-watered garden.

I want everything God has for me. Sometimes it feels like Christians expect you to accept less. Don’t take the blessing He offers. Grab the hardship in the corner. But the Lord didn’t tell me to do that. He delights in my laughter, joy, and peace. He made it possible.

So basically if a person is willing to be improved, that in itself is a great quality that should be recognized.

The Lord isn’t opposed to personal improvement. He instructed me to tweak my development matrix earlier this year to account for the change in focus. Being a better person is very important. He supports me wholeheartedly.

Thanks for sharing your insight.

I’m focusing on Esteem and Self-Actualization. Where are you on Maslow’s scale? Do you know your MBTI and Enneagram results? I’m an ENTJ-A and 3/378 Mover & Shaker.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[GOD Shines Forth!]

Just a few thoughts I've had recently about causes of singleness. Maybe it will provoke some debate and be helpful, maybe not. They are not listed in any particular order.

1. Work/social/church doesn't result in contact with many potential matches.
2. Conversation style and strategy with potential matches is designed to only identify negative attributes in people rather than positive attributes.
3. List of wants is so long and desire for perfection is so great that there is no one who can measure up.
4. Rejecting lovely people for superficial reasons such as looks, height, money, clothes.
5. Thinking that God will provide a partner if He intends you to have one, but not putting in much effort to find someone.
6. Taking so long to get over previous relationships and crushes that little time and energy remains for finding someone new.
7. Suffering from shyness and anxiety when trying to meet and talk to potential partners.
8. Often being drawn to people who excite, but are ultimately a poor match for a stable, long-term relationship.
9. Becoming physically or emotionally attracted and attached to people who have too many unresolved issues to be a realistic prospect.
10. Lack of confidence is readily apparent and proves a turn-off to potential matches.
11. Always becoming trapped in the friend zone when meeting new people.
12. Very little experience of dating or interacting with the opposite sex, and never really learning how to flirt.
13. List of wants contains two characteristics that are not usually found together in one person, making the pond being fished from very small.
14. Rarely receive replies or get dates when using online dating due to poor profile or lacklustre messaging style.
15. Becoming depressed by the matching process, and potential partners picking up on the negativity.
16. Paradox of choice in online dating makes it difficult to settle, even when someone good comes along.
17. Not actively looking because happy being single, not ready for a relationship, or feel demoralised by the search process.
18. Interests, hobbies and activities are so esoteric that few potential partners can relate.

Excellent list.

3. List of wants is so long and desire for perfection is so great that there is no one who can measure up.

This. It really hinders one as they get older and more set in ways and wants.