Can't turn off the Anger

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Andoverpolo

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Hey,

Maybe I'm not the only service member that is going through this right now, but my life is really messed up because I'm constantly tense and angry. Some of my cousins died in 9/11 and then over in Afghanistan, I got into the AF because I love to fly and because I wanted revenge... so I was already angry. I screwed up big time as a pilot with my self destructive behavior and washed out, I came back through the JAG corps but I'm doing stuff now that's unrelated and I can't talk about it with my wife. So basically I'm kind of isolated and still really angry, it just gets worse. I hate/detest/want to kill every muslim on Earth. Some used to be very good friends of mine, like my next door neighbors, one of my roommates in college and some friends online.

I can't turn it off, I bring it home, I've got it in the back of my mind when I watch the little mermaid with my daughters. I can't even take my wife out to dinner without being intense and angry.

I can direct it to some extent, it's how I do so well in school and in the military, but sometimes it's just too much and I lash out. I'm not like this, as a person, I'm basically a preppy bookworm dork, I mean usually I'm kind of aloof but never mean or angry. I feel like my discipline is breaking down and I'm drinking a lot more. I don't see a way out of this... does anybody else know what I'm talking about?

I joined the military because it was expected of me and because I was furious and wanted to kill as many terrorists as I could see. And I got the chance and blew it by losing control of my anger, was I just feeding a dragon and joining for the wrong reasons? How do people work through the anger? I want to be a better husband and father, this [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] is messing everything up for me.

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Gwenyfur

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I had some of the same issues when I was active duty, especially after DS...

I have a boxing bag...it moves with me wherever I go...and I work out that anger there...instead of bottling it up where it will come out and get me into trouble, I beat it out on that bag...I will rant and rave while I'm beating that bag...I will just *vent* out everything that's eating me up inside...and as many around here can tell you...when I need to have some bag time...it's quite noticeable :D

I still have times where I'm angry, and truly just want to cut loose and bust heads, gouge eyes, and tear out throats...especially now that my daughter is walking in my stead in Iraq...but the bag time helps...well at least it did me...it might you as well...

Also: Anger Management classes ;) There's nothing wrong with a righteous anger, but when it destroys you, your relationships adn your career...it's time for professional help...

and NO you're not crazy ;)

my dad was a zoomie :p
 
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Andoverpolo

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Yea... I still box, it doesn't really help. I had to attend anger management classes as part of my disciplinary action when I destroyed my Captains favorite coffee mug. He's a jackass and was trying to make life difficult for me so I picked it up and smashed it against his door. It caused a lot more fuss than I expected, not that I was thinking at the time.

Nothing seems to work, I've tried: psychology, religion, floaty new age philosophy, meditation, aggressive activities, alcohol. It all just fails. I flipped out on my former psychologist and I don't have the patience for the airy philosophic nonsense religion, new age stuff and meditation have to offer. Racing and Boxing just made me angrier and Alcohol makes everything great for an evening then triple worse the next day.

About the only thing I've got that calms me down is my wife and girls. She's always been able to keep me level and they amaze me so much that I can't think (which is a good thing). I don't want to lose that, it's my last outpost for sanity.

Is there anything out there that's left over that I haven't explored yet? What's causing all of this?
 
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Gwenyfur

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well...if I know guys...and soemtimes I do...sometimes y'all just confuse the hell outa me...
I'd say the anger stems from the perceived (yet real) threat to what you hold dear to your heart.

You love your wife, your daughters, your way of life, your country...and it's bitten that protective monster most of us have within...and the monster is now [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed...

Religion...hrmm yeah...you've tried 'em...but religions aren't really something to "try" ... those are things you commit to...

I still struggle with anger, even through my commitment to Y'shua (Jesus to you gentiles :p), but that's the nature of being human...

I had a great chaplain in the Corps who helped me through a lot...and didn't shove "religion" down my throat...but helped to guide me to a place where I found peace...and he turned out to be more real, and sincere than any shrink, I still keep in touch with him...he became a lifelong friend...perhaps see if there's a Chaplain around you can connect with?
 
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Andoverpolo

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well...if I know guys...and soemtimes I do...sometimes y'all just confuse the hell outa me...
I'd say the anger stems from the perceived (yet real) threat to what you hold dear to your heart.

You love your wife, your daughters, your way of life, your country...and it's bitten that protective monster most of us have within...and the monster is now [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed...

Religion...hrmm yeah...you've tried 'em...but religions aren't really something to "try" ... those are things you commit to...

I still struggle with anger, even through my commitment to Y'shua (Jesus to you gentiles :p), but that's the nature of being human...

I had a great chaplain in the Corps who helped me through a lot...and didn't shove "religion" down my throat...but helped to guide me to a place where I found peace...and he turned out to be more real, and sincere than any shrink, I still keep in touch with him...he became a lifelong friend...perhaps see if there's a Chaplain around you can connect with?

there is... i don't want to talk to him though
 
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daveleau

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Hi there,

I am a B-52 bombardier (radar navigator) who went to OTS Nov 27, 2001 after not commissioning after 4 years of ROTC at The Citadel (class of 1996). I got into the B-52 because I would be the tip of the sword fighting terrorism. I have deployed twice, but neither has been to combat. During my squadron's one combat deployment since I got here, my training went long delaying my inclusion, my mom passed away, and I had neck surgery during our deployment grounding me throughout the rest of the deployment. Needless to say, I am sure I was not meant to go on that deployment.

Like you, I am a very mild mannered guy who never usually gets angry. And, I too am a preppy bookworm dork.

My question would be, what is it with your wife and daughters that calms you? Is it the love and peace they bring?

In Christ,
Dave
 
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Andoverpolo

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Hi there,

I am a B-52 bombardier (radar navigator) who went to OTS Nov 27, 2001 after not commissioning after 4 years of ROTC at The Citadel (class of 1996). I got into the B-52 because I would be the tip of the sword fighting terrorism. I have deployed twice, but neither has been to combat. During my squadron's one combat deployment since I got here, my training went long delaying my inclusion, my mom passed away, and I had neck surgery during our deployment grounding me throughout the rest of the deployment. Needless to say, I am sure I was not meant to go on that deployment.

Like you, I am a very mild mannered guy who never usually gets angry. And, I too am a preppy bookworm dork.

My question would be, what is it with your wife and daughters that calms you? Is it the love and peace they bring?

In Christ,
Dave

Hey,

I'm sorry about your mother.

I love my wife and daughters so that's part of it. But they are only 1 and on account of that and only getting to see them 8 weeks out of the year I don't know them well. When I do see them it's just natural for me to be calm around them, I'm their father. My wife is a different matter - I don't know why she is able to calm me down. She's had that effect on me ever since I was nine, she's a nurse so maybe it's just her demeanor. Her presence is soothing, I don't need her to say anything, if she's just around me I am calm.

Regards
 
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Andoverpolo

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oh...
one of those kinds of guys...

Where are you going with that? I don't mix religion and war. I don't need to be thinking about Heaven, Hell and Santa Clause when I need to concentrate on work. I've got a private life with a Wife, Kids, Community and Church and then I've got a job life - I keep them completely separate. That's the whole reason for this thread - one is bleeding into the other.
 
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Andoverpolo

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Hi there,

I am a B-52 bombardier (radar navigator) who went to OTS Nov 27, 2001 after not commissioning after 4 years of ROTC at The Citadel (class of 1996). I got into the B-52 because I would be the tip of the sword fighting terrorism. I have deployed twice, but neither has been to combat. During my squadron's one combat deployment since I got here, my training went long delaying my inclusion, my mom passed away, and I had neck surgery during our deployment grounding me throughout the rest of the deployment. Needless to say, I am sure I was not meant to go on that deployment.

Like you, I am a very mild mannered guy who never usually gets angry. And, I too am a preppy bookworm dork.

My question would be, what is it with your wife and daughters that calms you? Is it the love and peace they bring?

In Christ,
Dave

BTW - a couple interesting things - I'm from Charleston SC (didn't go to Citadel), my name is also Dave and I'm also a pilot. I thought that was a pretty cool series of coincidences.

Happy flying
 
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Gwenyfur

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Where are you going with that? I don't mix religion and war. I don't need to be thinking about Heaven, Hell and Santa Clause when I need to concentrate on work. I've got a private life with a Wife, Kids, Community and Church and then I've got a job life - I keep them completely separate. That's the whole reason for this thread - one is bleeding into the other.
Well, that got me...I assumed you didn't want to speak to the chaplain because he was one of "those" types that shoves everything down your throat...

the Chaplain that helped me didn't really talk about religion and G-d all that much...he just helped me work through my anger issues...he had a calming presence...and to this day, I can hear his voice on the phone and not be angry anymore...

Sounds like your wife has that kind of gift/presence/personality. You're a blessed man :)

Compartmentalizing like you do can be dangerous...it does indeed reach a point where it starts bleeding over. In reality, while we can function that way for a long period of time, the boxes get full...and we have to clean it out before we can regain our balance. I suspect that's the case here...

I know active duty and deployments keep you busy, but maybe in your down time, take some time to open up those compartments a bit, and "clean" the attic out so to speak...deal with those things that have been shoved aside and stowed away...one at a time...

You and your family remain in my prayers.
 
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Andoverpolo

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Well, that got me...I assumed you didn't want to speak to the chaplain because he was one of "those" types that shoves everything down your throat...

the Chaplain that helped me didn't really talk about religion and G-d all that much...he just helped me work through my anger issues...he had a calming presence...and to this day, I can hear his voice on the phone and not be angry anymore...

Sounds like your wife has that kind of gift/presence/personality. You're a blessed man :)

Compartmentalizing like you do can be dangerous...it does indeed reach a point where it starts bleeding over. In reality, while we can function that way for a long period of time, the boxes get full...and we have to clean it out before we can regain our balance. I suspect that's the case here...

I know active duty and deployments keep you busy, but maybe in your down time, take some time to open up those compartments a bit, and "clean" the attic out so to speak...deal with those things that have been shoved aside and stowed away...one at a time...

You and your family remain in my prayers.

Oh, I thought you meant I was one of 'those' types and I didn't know what you meant by that.

I'm not certain what you did in the military but I have the kind of job that I'm not permitted to discuss much and even if I were I wouldn't do it anyway. My job is like ripping off a bandaid, it's necessary but the best way to do it is just to get it over quickly with as little pain as possible. Get in, get out, then go get drunk.

Professionals and clerics ask too many questions and don't seem to get it when I tell them I'm not going to answer. The nice thing about my wife is that I don't need to talk about it or say anything at all. She just needs to be standing in the same room as me and I can let go of it. She posts here, it's the reason I sometimes come on, her ID is Snowbunny, all yall tell her I'm crazy about her every time you bump into her if you do.

Anyway, you're probably right, I probably do need to clean out the skeletons in my closet. I just can't. Stuck between a rock and a hard place... I guess I just have to accept it and hopefully when this is all over not too much damage will have been done to me or my family.

The only satisfaction I get out of my job is knowing the the things I do are making a massive difference in protecting my wife and kids. I mean not just the kind of glow you get from being like a deployed infantryman fighting on the front, but something much more tangible. And that's gratifying.

Regards
 
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Gwenyfur

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I was CFR is the USMC ... Desert Storm, came back to be a DI..

If you can't talk...then rant at the walls (preferrably where someone can't overhear)...but unless you do clean some of those closets out...it's just going to get worse...unfortunately...

That's where my boxing bag came in so handy...whatever I took outa the "box" I worked out and focussed on while I worked the bag...until I was either able to let it go...or break it down into a more manageable "package"...I know you said it didn't help you...but maybe with a piece at a time instead of the whole???

For my daughter, it's running...

I've met snowbunny...she's a darling woman! She was an Angel for a while :)

Anyhow...my inbox is always open...as is Dave's I'm sure...though from what he's been saying he'll be pretty scarce until June....

:prayer: :hug: for you and Mrs snowbunny :)
 
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Andoverpolo

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I guess breaking it down into pieces could work... I'll give it a try whenever I have the chance. I'll tell you what, between Law School and work and my whole eight weeks of getting to relax and spend time with my wife and kids there isn't very much time for stress relief. Pushups help sometimes... it's physical, intense as you want to make it and you can do it anywhere.

lol and what do you mean used to be? The only time my baby isn't an angel is just for me ;)

Thanks again, I'll shoot yall and email from time to time - and yall do the same if I can help out somehow. I'm usually not around though, I've got a rare moment right now between the premature end of my semester and when I get sent off to Cuba and Afghanistan in mid December.

Regards
 
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Andoverpolo

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:p

An official CF Angel LOL

Bad Boy :p

lol hey what can I say - These cute innocent little Catholic girls are so much fun to play with when you trick them into taking off their halos (among other things) for a few hours :yum: Her halo is still hanging on the corner of my four post bed :ebil:

Seriously though what's an "official CF Angel?" I didn't know what that was... sounds like some kind of cheerleader.

*Evil grin*
 
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jcook922

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Hey,

Maybe I'm not the only service member that is going through this right now, but my life is really messed up because I'm constantly tense and angry. Some of my cousins died in 9/11 and then over in Afghanistan, I got into the AF because I love to fly and because I wanted revenge... so I was already angry. I screwed up big time as a pilot with my self destructive behavior and washed out, I came back through the JAG corps but I'm doing stuff now that's unrelated and I can't talk about it with my wife. So basically I'm kind of isolated and still really angry, it just gets worse. I hate/detest/want to kill every muslim on Earth. Some used to be very good friends of mine, like my next door neighbors, one of my roommates in college and some friends online.

I can't turn it off, I bring it home, I've got it in the back of my mind when I watch the little mermaid with my daughters. I can't even take my wife out to dinner without being intense and angry.

I can direct it to some extent, it's how I do so well in school and in the military, but sometimes it's just too much and I lash out. I'm not like this, as a person, I'm basically a preppy bookworm dork, I mean usually I'm kind of aloof but never mean or angry. I feel like my discipline is breaking down and I'm drinking a lot more. I don't see a way out of this... does anybody else know what I'm talking about?

I joined the military because it was expected of me and because I was furious and wanted to kill as many terrorists as I could see. And I got the chance and blew it by losing control of my anger, was I just feeding a dragon and joining for the wrong reasons? How do people work through the anger? I want to be a better husband and father, this [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] is messing everything up for me.

Thanks

I can't really tell you how to deal with it, I lost a good friend in Afghanistan while I was there, and I was very angry for a while after I came back. [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off that the AF didn't give us the type of opportunities I wanted to get into the [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth], I guess I felt I had something to prove to myself. After a while I learned to turn it off and just distance myself, if I think about what happened, then I do get angry. You just need to learn to stuff it all deep down and carry on.
 
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nataliexcore

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Hey,

I'm sorry about your mother.

I love my wife and daughters so that's part of it. But they are only 1 and on account of that and only getting to see them 8 weeks out of the year I don't know them well. When I do see them it's just natural for me to be calm around them, I'm their father. My wife is a different matter - I don't know why she is able to calm me down. She's had that effect on me ever since I was nine, she's a nurse so maybe it's just her demeanor. Her presence is soothing, I don't need her to say anything, if she's just around me I am calm.

Regards

if they're the only things that make you calm and happy, than maybe you shouldn't be in the military anymore. but rather be around THEM more.

i'm just being blunt.

you can get through this though. i'll pray for you.
 
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