Can't stand the criticism

[redeemedNG]

I'm just writing to vent right now but I have to say " I CAN'T STAND THE CRITICISM". There is always something that someone thinks I should be doing. Or they think I should be doing the things I'm doing differently.

What makes it worse is that I can't stop feeling hurt about people's opinions of me because I refuse to play 'Superwoman'.

I listened to a sermon of my husbands tonight on fellowship and how we should treat our church family. I had to leave the sanctuary twice because I was crying uncontrolably thinking about how I longed for that fellowship and how much I wanted to be treated that way by my church family.

I know it shouldn't matter what others think and that my value comes from God but I don't know what is wrong with me.

I would be interested to hear how other preacher's wives cope. Or do I just have this problem because I am the worlds worst preacher's wife?

 

[Heart4Him]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now!

I'm sure you are NOT the world's worst pw!

I haven't personally dealt with lots of criticism, but have had other issues that have hurt my feelings or made me feel less than enough.

At times I think I've developed a thicker skin, and then I realize I still have a long way to go with the Lord's help in changing me.

I'm sorry I don't really have much advice to offer, other than just spending as much personal time with the Lord as possible and being in the Word and in prayer. That is the only thing that helps me and strengthens me in this work.

I'll be praying for you today!! Oh, and my hubby preached a message on Fellowship yesterday, too!

 

[Maeyken]

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time I'm just new at this pw thing (my husband is just finishing school, and is currently looking for a church), so I don't have any advice... just wanted to let you know we're here to listen!

 

[Aileen]

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.
I´ve been a pastor´s wife for over thirty years and you name it I´ve been through it.....and survived!

You are in the place where God wants you to be, you´re married to the man God has for you, you and your husband are involved in a spiritual work so Satan will always try to use people to discourage you. Don´t believe his lies.

In our early years of ministry, an elderly pastor gave us this advice which I have never forgotten.....Do what you know is right and keep on.

It is impossible to please all of the people all of the time.
It´s human to want to be appreciated and when those whom we expect to encourage us are overly critical it hurts so much. That´s when we have to be careful...if we let it affect us too much we run the risk of becoming bitter (and critical ourselves) or try to please everyone and end up frustrated.

Stay in close communion with the Lord, in the Word, being quiet before Him, unburdening your heart to Him, He knows all about being criticised. He´ll strengthen you.

Take time for yourself. Read a magazine, or a book. Arrange to have lunch with a friend. Come on line.

Avoid those who are always critical about minor things or negative. If they can´t be avoided, simply greet them with a smile .....and move on.

When well- intentioned ladies tell you what they think should be done, just smile and thank them and say you´ll keep their suggestion in mind. Work´s wonders!
Sometimes their comments aren´t criticism but are very frustrating for a pastor´s wife to hear, remember it´s always easy for those who don´t have to do it to say how it should be done.

I´ll pray that the Lord will give you one or two close friends with whom you can unburden and that they will be Jonathan¨s for you, "strengthening and encouraging you in the Lord".

You are NOT a bad PW, if you were you wouldn´t care one way or the other. You are human. with feelings that the Lord created us women with.

Sorry this is long. I´ll be thinking of you.

 

[Ms.Garnet]

Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in a good while...I have missed everyone.

My dear RedeemedNG: I too am so sorry you are going through such a hard time.

I too have been in the ministry 30+ yrs. with my DH who has pastored and worked in churches of all sizes.

I had all kinds of criticisms too. When I was young I have to admit...I often was too blunt with my responses....more often than not I would just look at them as if I didn't have a clue about what they were saying... I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would regret it and a blank stare would usually stop them mid-sentence ! After all, when someone who is not a pastor's wife gives you a suggestion...they are just expressing their view of what the pastor's wife should do/be. You might find one day a godly saint who is your personal cheerleader/encourager...like we have at our present church.

If you have read any of my past posts you will see some things I shared that at face value might seem rude, harsh, unkind, etc. but remember, you can't see my face or hear the tone of my voice and most of the time I am able to respond in a nice way even if I am blunt in what I say.

Aileen shared some very good advise to all of us....if you can join a Christian Women's group or pastor's wives fellowship ...that helps.

Sometimes folks may be comparing you to a past beloved pastor's wife that is missed very much. Try to find your place of service that brings you joy and strive to excel in that ....

I got so fed up with what you are talking about that one thing I insisted my husband do when he would be considered for a new church is to tell them that his wife(me) is not the person being called nor being put on their payroll and that they should not expect me to be at the church doing anymore than they expected of their own wives. We had small children at the time and some churches do tend to think they are getting a "two for one" deal...NOW DON'T do this in a mean harsh way...it can be said in love...and also it can be explained that you/his wife is his helpmate and very willing to do things of service at church, but that you cannot do it all (lead the ladies group, teach Sunday Sch., direct VBS , teach a Ch. Training class, and on Wed. nt. lead a children's mission group too, sing in the choir even though (my voice is) like a rusty nail scraping a tin can, make every visit my husband makes, you get my drift I am sure....I have had just such demands put on me...until I insisted it come from my husband....he is the church shephard and much better with words than I am.

The one thing that is so tough to learn to do is like someone else said...develop a thick skin and if at all possible be super nice to the person who is critical...you might not realize something going on in their life is making them sour about everything and everyone...the criticism is not always really about you...you are just an easy target to lash out at.

Sorry, mine is long too. Stay with us and we will keep sharing...this form of fellowship helps all of us and just writing is a therapy in itself.

Have a great week everyone !

 

[JoySnow4]

I posted a reply under "Anyone Having a Hard Time?" but it applies to this thread too. Much prayer and empathy.

 

[Heart4Him]

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.
I´ve been a pastor´s wife for over thirty years and you name it I´ve been through it.....and survived!

You are in the place where God wants you to be, you´re married to the man God has for you, you and your husband are involved in a spiritual work so Satan will always try to use people to discourage you. Don´t believe his lies.

In our early years of ministry, an elderly pastor gave us this advice which I have never forgotten.....Do what you know is right and keep on.

It is impossible to please all of the people all of the time.
It´s human to want to be appreciated and when those whom we expect to encourage us are overly critical it hurts so much. That´s when we have to be careful...if we let it affect us too much we run the risk of becoming bitter (and critical ourselves) or try to please everyone and end up frustrated.

Stay in close communion with the Lord, in the Word, being quiet before Him, unburdening your heart to Him, He knows all about being criticised. He´ll strengthen you.

Take time for yourself. Read a magazine, or a book. Arrange to have lunch with a friend. Come on line.

Avoid those who are always critical about minor things or negative. If they can´t be avoided, simply greet them with a smile .....and move on.

When well- intentioned ladies tell you what they think should be done, just smile and thank them and say you´ll keep their suggestion in mind. Work´s wonders!
Sometimes their comments aren´t criticism but are very frustrating for a pastor´s wife to hear, remember it´s always easy for those who don´t have to do it to say how it should be done.

I´ll pray that the Lord will give you one or two close friends with whom you can unburden and that they will be Jonathan¨s for you, "strengthening and encouraging you in the Lord".

You are NOT a bad PW, if you were you wouldn´t care one way or the other. You are human. with feelings that the Lord created us women with.

Sorry this is long. I´ll be thinking of you.

Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in a good while...I have missed everyone.

My dear RedeemedNG: I too am so sorry you are going through such a hard time.

I too have been in the ministry 30+ yrs. with my DH who has pastored and worked in churches of all sizes.

I had all kinds of criticisms too. When I was young I have to admit...I often was too blunt with my responses....more often than not I would just look at them as if I didn't have a clue about what they were saying... I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would regret it and a blank stare would usually stop them mid-sentence ! After all, when someone who is not a pastor's wife gives you a suggestion...they are just expressing their view of what the pastor's wife should do/be. You might find one day a godly saint who is your personal cheerleader/encourager...like we have at our present church.

If you have read any of my past posts you will see some things I shared that at face value might seem rude, harsh, unkind, etc. but remember, you can't see my face or hear the tone of my voice and most of the time I am able to respond in a nice way even if I am blunt in what I say.

Aileen shared some very good advise to all of us....if you can join a Christian Women's group or pastor's wives fellowship ...that helps.

Sometimes folks may be comparing you to a past beloved pastor's wife that is missed very much. Try to find your place of service that brings you joy and strive to excel in that ....

I got so fed up with what you are talking about that one thing I insisted my husband do when he would be considered for a new church is to tell them that his wife(me) is not the person being called nor being put on their payroll and that they should not expect me to be at the church doing anymore than they expected of their own wives. We had small children at the time and some churches do tend to think they are getting a "two for one" deal...NOW DON'T do this in a mean harsh way...it can be said in love...and also it can be explained that you/his wife is his helpmate and very willing to do things of service at church, but that you cannot do it all (lead the ladies group, teach Sunday Sch., direct VBS , teach a Ch. Training class, and on Wed. nt. lead a children's mission group too, sing in the choir even though (my voice is) like a rusty nail scraping a tin can, make every visit my husband makes, you get my drift I am sure....I have had just such demands put on me...until I insisted it come from my husband....he is the church shephard and much better with words than I am.

The one thing that is so tough to learn to do is like someone else said...develop a thick skin and if at all possible be super nice to the person who is critical...you might not realize something going on in their life is making them sour about everything and everyone...the criticism is not always really about you...you are just an easy target to lash out at.

Sorry, mine is long too. Stay with us and we will keep sharing...this form of fellowship helps all of us and just writing is a therapy in itself.

Have a great week everyone !

Great posts, ladies!! I think with both of your experience and wisdom put together, the rest of us need to hear from you as much as possible.

 

[Ms.Garnet]

Thanks Heart....you are very kind and a great encourager yourself. All of you ladies uplift me whether you are sharing a problem or praising the Lord. It is just a comfort to have others to share with and fellowship with.

Who reads the devotional booklet "Our Daily Bread" ? It is one of my very favorites. Below is a quote from one of the devotionals (I hope it is ok to quote a part like I am doing).

"God knows our burdens & our crosses,
Those things that hurt, our trials & losses,
He cares for every soul that cries,
And wipes the tears from weeping eyes."

"God tells us to burden Him with what burdens us."

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you. Psalm 55:22

Have a great weekend!

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Hi there, No sweetie you are not the worlds worst preachers wife. - You're the best and God is still working on you to make you even better! Just like with all of us.
And God, CAN'T STAND THE CRITISISM EITHER! He hates it, just like He hates all sin. When we speak from a critical heart it tears down and does not build up - and I am not surprised it hurt you. You are free in Jesus to be yourself and do things the way you like to do them. We are not here to please people, we are here to please the Lord. What difference does it make what way something is done, as long as it is done. God loves variety - God has no problems in how you decide to do things as long as it honours Him and your motive is to please and love the Lord.
Precious sister, forgive your critics and recognise, they are the ones who need to learn how to walk in love. You're dong fine and jealousy and negative expectations of people, God has set you free from. You do not have to receive what they say.
Do not repeat the lies of the enemy that you are the worlds worst - sweetheart you are beautiful and God delights in you. Don't compare yourself with anyone.
Let go of the hurt and let go of the pain.
Release it to Jesus. He knows how you feel.
I am glad you refuse to be Superwoman! We are not called to be workaholics but to have balance in life. It is selfish to expect you do everything or to make excessive demands on you. Even Jesus left the crowds behind to be alone with His Father.
Only do those assignments that the Lord gives you to do. And if anyone gets offended - let them be offended. It is just hurt pride.
I suggest if it helps you go to each person in private on neutral ground and say you appreciate their input, but we were all created unique and so when we do things we all do it different. And even if they think their way is better, you would appreciate that instead of being critical they accepted you and your choices - as God doesn't have a problem with it, so why should they!
Precious Sister, I'll be praying for you.
I work full time in ministry and understand the stress and difficulties.
I hope it has helped what I have shared. If you want to PM me feel free.
I'll be praying for you.
Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. You are strong and that is why the enemy has attacked you this way - so be encouraged and spend some time letting Jesus love you and enjoying His presence.
Shalom,
G-H

 

[redeemedNG]

I haven't checked in for awhile and I just wanted to say a Big "Thank You" to the ladies who replied. What was said has given me a lot of encouragement. I'm glad to know I'll have this to come to as I struggle with this issue. Sometimes the negative is being reinforced all around me and I really need to hear what I know is true validated in others. Thanks again!

 

[Heart4Him]

I'm glad to see you checking back in! It's great to hear that you are encouraged. I'm thankful for this part of the forum, too! I hope you have a very blessed Sunday and continue to feel uplifted and encouraged in your ministry!

 

[JenRJen]

Redeemed, I could write your post completely 100%.

I am going through the same stuff right now. It is effecting me so bad that it's effecting our marriage. Thank you everyone who has posted b/c it's been REALLY encouraging for me.

 

[BarbaraJean]

I think that sometimes the congregation doesn't realize that the PW is not being paid as a member of the staff. She is expected to do so many things which she is not called to do.

I believe I fell into doing all the things that I felt needed to be done rather than doing the things God had gifted and called me to do. I found that I ended up becoming resentful of what I had to do. Understand, our congregation wasn't even putting this burden on me. I was doing it to myself.

I'm finally learning to do the things God wants me to do so now I do them to please Hima and not to please people.

I recommend a book I read called "She Can't Even Play The Piano" by Joyce Williams. It's quite humorous but also contains a lot of wisdom for the pastor's wife.

 

[BarbaraJean]

Another thing that I just thought of - you are married to the man of God. Nobody can minister to him the way you can. That is a huge responsibility. My husband is probably the most cheerful person I know but I've seen how his responsibilities and his feeling of futility when he's unable to help somebody can really pull him down. I'm able to lift him up, encourage him and strengthen him in a way that only I can.

I've come to realize that no matter how great he preaches that he is probably going to walk away from the pulpit feeling like he didn't get through to anybody. A few words from me can really help dispell those doubts.

We have been at this church for almost 14 years. It's the only home either of my sons really know. I mostly feel very accepted and loved here but it has taken quite a while.

It's extremely important to focus on your relationship with your husband and your children. I truly believe that is my first calling. There something so reassuring about knowing that no matter who does or does not accept you outside your home that you are always loved and accepted and needed by your husband and children.

 

[HOPEOF9]

I went through a time when I thought there was no unconditional love in the church except from Christ. Being a PW isn't easy and we have to always remember that our first and most important ministry is to our DHs. As for the requests for you to be superwoman, discuss this with your DH. Mine has been so supportive, and only allows me to do what we agree is acceptable. Grant it, I've done some things I didn't want to do, because he said to, and I was tremendouly blessed by them.
Keep leaning on God and his understanding.
Start forgiving those who have hurt you, God will help you with this!
Make sure the "EXPECTATIONS" are from them, and that some, if even a few, are just imagined by you, because someone mentioned that such and such needed done by someone. I only say this because it is easy for me to add stuff to the already long list, since it would certainly be a blessing even more if I really stretched myself completely until you can't even see me, and sleep was a thing of the past! LOL
Start counting your blessings again with how blessed you are to be where God has put you and that there is a reason for it.

I've been where you are, I'm still alive and blessed.
JKP (just keep praying)

Love and blessings,
Margaret

 

[HOPEOF9]

Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in a good while...I have missed everyone.

My dear RedeemedNG: I too am so sorry you are going through such a hard time.

I too have been in the ministry 30+ yrs. with my DH who has pastored and worked in churches of all sizes.

I had all kinds of criticisms too. When I was young I have to admit...I often was too blunt with my responses....more often than not I would just look at them as if I didn't have a clue about what they were saying... I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would regret it and a blank stare would usually stop them mid-sentence ! After all, when someone who is not a pastor's wife gives you a suggestion...they are just expressing their view of what the pastor's wife should do/be. You might find one day a godly saint who is your personal cheerleader/encourager...like we have at our present church.

If you have read any of my past posts you will see some things I shared that at face value might seem rude, harsh, unkind, etc. but remember, you can't see my face or hear the tone of my voice and most of the time I am able to respond in a nice way even if I am blunt in what I say.

Aileen shared some very good advise to all of us....if you can join a Christian Women's group or pastor's wives fellowship ...that helps.

Sometimes folks may be comparing you to a past beloved pastor's wife that is missed very much. Try to find your place of service that brings you joy and strive to excel in that ....

I got so fed up with what you are talking about that one thing I insisted my husband do when he would be considered for a new church is to tell them that his wife(me) is not the person being called nor being put on their payroll and that they should not expect me to be at the church doing anymore than they expected of their own wives. We had small children at the time and some churches do tend to think they are getting a "two for one" deal...NOW DON'T do this in a mean harsh way...it can be said in love...and also it can be explained that you/his wife is his helpmate and very willing to do things of service at church, but that you cannot do it all (lead the ladies group, teach Sunday Sch., direct VBS , teach a Ch. Training class, and on Wed. nt. lead a children's mission group too, sing in the choir even though (my voice is) like a rusty nail scraping a tin can, make every visit my husband makes, you get my drift I am sure....I have had just such demands put on me...until I insisted it come from my husband....he is the church shephard and much better with words than I am.

The one thing that is so tough to learn to do is like someone else said...develop a thick skin and if at all possible be super nice to the person who is critical...you might not realize something going on in their life is making them sour about everything and everyone...the criticism is not always really about you...you are just an easy target to lash out at.

Sorry, mine is long too. Stay with us and we will keep sharing...this form of fellowship helps all of us and just writing is a therapy in itself.

Have a great week everyone !

My DH did this for me. He told me to tell them, I'll ask my husband, or I'll run it by my husband and see what his word is on it. It stopped alot of things really fast. When they realized that I wasn't going to do things without his consent or to try to munipulate him, they quit trying to come through me!

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

maybe some of those hyper-critical people have had bad experiences with other preachers' wives in the past, and this has darkened the filter through which they tend to perceive preachers' wives in general?

doesn't make their unpleasant attitudes right of course, but might help dissipate the sense of it being so directly and personally negative to speculate that it could come from something totally about them and not about the one they criticize.

 

[TexasSky]

I'm just writing to vent right now but I have to say " I CAN'T STAND THE CRITICISM". There is always something that someone thinks I should be doing. Or they think I should be doing the things I'm doing differently.

What makes it worse is that I can't stop feeling hurt about people's opinions of me because I refuse to play 'Superwoman'.

I listened to a sermon of my husbands tonight on fellowship and how we should treat our church family. I had to leave the sanctuary twice because I was crying uncontrolably thinking about how I longed for that fellowship and how much I wanted to be treated that way by my church family.

I know it shouldn't matter what others think and that my value comes from God but I don't know what is wrong with me.

I would be interested to hear how other preacher's wives cope. Or do I just have this problem because I am the worlds worst preacher's wife?

Chruch families cause more divorces in ministerial families than anything else.

*HUGS*

In our city we encourage minister's families to form social groups to give support to one another for the very kind of things you just mentioned.

I'll pray that God finds you a support group within the church.

You may want to ask your spouse to ask the church to form a "ministerial team". A group that prays for and does little things to uplift the pastor and his family. It is their contribution to the church to help you and your family by being spiritual warriors and friends.

 

[TexasSky]

I'm just writing to vent right now but I have to say " I CAN'T STAND THE CRITICISM". There is always something that someone thinks I should be doing. Or they think I should be doing the things I'm doing differently.

What makes it worse is that I can't stop feeling hurt about people's opinions of me because I refuse to play 'Superwoman'.

I listened to a sermon of my husbands tonight on fellowship and how we should treat our church family. I had to leave the sanctuary twice because I was crying uncontrolably thinking about how I longed for that fellowship and how much I wanted to be treated that way by my church family.

I know it shouldn't matter what others think and that my value comes from God but I don't know what is wrong with me.

I would be interested to hear how other preacher's wives cope. Or do I just have this problem because I am the worlds worst preacher's wife?

A P.S. for you that came from a minister, but applies to all minister's families as well.

"When I graduated from Bible College with a 4.0, I thought people would respect me. I was mistaken. When I graduated from seminary at the top of my class, I thought surely people would respect me now. Then I met a deacon........"

Unfortunately, some people think it is their calling in life to "keep the pastor and his crew in line." They mean well, and they don't even realize how hurtful and harmful they are being.

Men who graduate from seminary need to teach their families mantra's like, "Thank you so much. I'll pray about it," and "Oh, what a wonderful suggestion! When can you start?" And, "That would be wonderful if that was what God called me to, but that is not my gift. Is it your gift?"

We recently hired a new youth director at our church, and the first thing he said was, "Please be aware, youth work is not something my wife enjoys. So you are not getting two for the price of one. God called her to be my wife, not a minister."

 

[CelticSpirit]

Reading your posts is preparing me for my time as a Ministers wife...Thankyou Ladies!!I'm still Engaged at the moment and College hasn't started but once we're married (Aug) Dan will be starting his Ordination training. When Dan first told me he felt he was being called to ministry...I have to say, a Vicars wife was the last thing I would ever imagine I'd be. Even the girls in my Cell at church laughed and said they couldn't imagine it...more to do with my clothes sense and hair than anything (I have lower back length dreadlocks and love my hippy garb!...hehehe) As anyone English will know, there's a definate stereopicture of a vicar and his wife...and when you don't fall into that box that ppl place you in, you kind of feel inadequate and out of place! The more time has gone on, the more I'm getting used to the idea. I love Dan and even before we met I'd felt God was calling me into Ministry leadership of some kind...as I had a very strong feeling that one day I would help run a church, or even plant one! Being single and with very little experience...I put it down to an over active imagination. I have a heart for God and a heart for ppl...and I hope that when Dan does start his ministry, I will keep all I have learnt here in mind. I just want to be myself, and not try to be something I'm not. I am scared, it's a huge thing...but I am also so looking forward to it. God has made me the way I am for a reason, and if this is what God is calling me to do...I am who I am because of that! I think it's important to remind ourselves of that at times.

Thankyou! Your experience and wisdom is greatly appreciated.

Your Sister In Christ
Jenna-Marie