Can't seem to pick up.

[RachelZ]

Blagh!!!!!!!!! Struggling again and frustrated that I can't seem to pick myself up. For about a week or more I've been feeling like I'm down...I know the OCD flies are buzzing about and I'm trying to just say "that's OCD thinking" and carry on doing whatever I'm doing...but it gets you down after a while. And then I end up thinking that I'm not treating OCD I'm just kidding myself. The temptation is there to ruminate but I'm trying not to but earlier today I had a real typical OCD thought more like I used to get and ruminate on a lot. I didn't dwell on it but I feel like each time one of those flies comes buzzing around and I don't swat it that there's a whole swarm of them just waiting to get me. (For anyone who didn't read the thread about OCD thoughts being like a flys and free floating anxiety like fly paper I've not gone totally mad...it's juts a way of describing how OCD works and feels.)

I know I'm being more distant with my husband which just compounds the problem but I don't know how to keep behaving in a way I would if I was feeling OK when I'm not...if that makes sense.

I've tried taking this to God but just feel stuck. I bought a new bible last week in the hope a new version might inspire me to read it and experience it in a different way but I don't think I've even read one verse yet! I know how I can end up feeling when I read the bible and pray and I don't feel strong enough to fight that too.

One thing that makes this worse is that my best friend is going through a really tough time. I was gonna try and talk to her today cos she nearly allways helps me feel better but I didn't want to bother her. She's the person who seems to understand best how I am and so I guess I feel a little alone with feeling like this. I think it would be easier if I could talk to people and know they understand but I don't tell many people how I am cos I think they'd just not get it or make me feel worse.

I wonder if I'm feeling like this cos I'm not treating the OCD in the right way...ie not trying to bring it on and think worst case scenarios and then not try to fix things...I just found that so hard and confusing...I'm more trying to acknoweldge certain thinking as OCD and just let it be at that. Why can't I just do what I need to do to feel OK? Maybe it's cos after all it's not OCD and I've been living with false hope. Is this reality then? I just don't know what I'm supposed to believe...the better feelings or the grim ones? I mean you can feel better if you momentarily forget some bad news but it doesn't make it a true reflection of how things are. So maybe when I feel better I've just lost track of reality? Does that make sense? If I see men in white coats coming to cart me off I'll know it didn't!

Sorry to rant...I don't even know what I need...just to feel better I guess...to feel more hopeful and more like God is OK with me...hope other people are doing OK...thanks for listening and take care...Rachel

 

[Jaygrl]

Rachel, after sharing some stuff with my fiancé about my OCD, I've decided to tell him when I feel weird/distant from him. I usually feel weird over something he does or says (ROCD), so telling him that I feel strange after something like that occurs has really helped me. I try not to go into specifics about what triggers my ROCD with him, so that he doesn't enable me by not doing or saying those things.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to act like everything is OK when it's not. I found that exhausting, and my guy could tell I was feeling 'off' anyway, so no use trying to hide it with him! LOL. No one should be expected to be OK all the time, especially when dealing with a problem like this! I hope this helps a bit.

 

[kaykay08]

Prayers for you today, Rachel~~

 

[QUannie]

Prayed for you!!! Sorry your going through it!!!

Q

 

[Jayangel81]

Praying for you sis

 

[babegirl111]

It's tough, believe me I know. Praying for you!

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks all of you for your replies and prayers...sorry it's taken a while to be able to say thanks, but I do appreciate them all! I agree Jaygrl that we shouldn't have to make out like everything's OK when it's not...guess sometimes it's just easier than trying to explain.

Still been feeling not right today though with a few better moments. But then tonight I had this thought which is like "Oh no what if that's what's really happening with me?" Don't even know if I can explain what I thought but here goes...thought to myself maybe when someone really has OCD affecting an issue they get a thought which throws them into anxiety and ruminating and stuff but deep down they know it's not true. But often for me it's the fact that I can't say deep down I know 100% something's not true that I end up feeling so awful. Maybe that's what distinguishes someone who is struggling from OCD to someone who's hiding from the truth and maybe I'm in the latter category. I mean so often I've read threads and posts where people say that they are so worried about x, y, z and yet they also say they know those things aren't true so don't understand why they're worrying. It's set me worrying even though I don't think it's a totally new idea for me, thinking that maybe people think I'm responding internally like them and I'm thinking I'm responding like others with OCD but maybe it's not at all like others feel and therefore proof that this isn't about OCD at all but about me being too much of a wimp to face the truth.

Sorry...don't know if anyone will understand what I'm trying to say...I do but it's hard to explain. I'm just dissapointed that I'm here again...as in here in this place of not being able to just say that's OCD thinking and get on with life and not feel so abnormal. I love it when I feel more normal and like I can live life more like others do. Now I'm just feeling a kind of simmering anxiety and the isolation that comes when you're not necessarily alone but feel it cos the way you are is miles away from other people. Sorry to moan...thanks again...take care, Rachel