Cannot get over my boyfriend lying

[magicbean3]

I will try to not go into too much detail, as it hurts me to remember.
We have been together for almost three years, and he means alot to me. He is my bestfriend and we know each other so well.
But last november he started to text another women, he discussed cheating with her. I became very concerned, and never had the courage to tell him. Until one day i sent him a text explaining that i saw him text this women, and i read the messages when he was out the room. And i feel very ashamed to had go behind his back.

After the text i sent to him, he asked for a break of a week and i gave him that and then we were back together and he asked for another one which i asked for as well, a space where we could miss each other.

Now we are back together and it feels magical! We truely appreciate each other.

The one thing that does get me down, is that him and this women do not communicate any more. From what i could gather she had asked him to start a relationship with her, and he said no.
Recently she wanted to be his friend on Facebook. ( Im sorry to make this sound really modern and controlled by technology) And he accepted her. I made it clear to him that i felt a little upset with him, but he didnt acknowledge this i guess.

Many friends have told me to forgive and forget.
And i have. Does anybody else understand how i feel?
Every now and then i remember and i feel upset.

I just need some guidance.
Kindest Regards to you all!
And i hope you have a lovely day/night!

 

[paul1149]

On my relationship grid, trust is really, really high up there. Having all the great emotions without the undergirding of trust is like being up on a scaffold without a solid base. I've been in both situations, and neither is fun.

 

[Pal Handy]

3 years....
Are you planning on getting married?
Are you both Christians?

So much of any answer I would give would be Godly advice
so I need to know before I give it if the two of you are willing
to hear it.

 

[jehoiakim]

can you clarify... you said in the texts he discussed cheating.... then you said she asked him to cheat and he said no... can you be more specific as to what was in the texts you saw?

 

[magicbean3]

Well...
When i was with him he was constantly texting her.
And when i glanced over, i saw he put "Im with Wench'
And he had once texted her, "If i cheat on wench with you and she find outs and finished me and i get with you, would you cheat on me"

This women is known to be well, i dont want to say the name, but you know what type of girl i mean. She lives 3 hours away and no each other through a sport that they compete in all over britain.

She once emailed him saying "Sorry about last nights texts, i was wondering if you wanted to give us a shot"

Then two days later there was another one "Well, hi...I guess you do not want to speak to me anymore, when you told me that you could never see us to together that really hurt"

Yes we have been together for three years in september.

We started going out when we were 16 and we are nearly 20. We are both christians and we do want to get married. Im going to university this year, and we have discussed living together in the near future and get married and think of a family.

If this makes any sense to anyone. He isnt the type of boy to cheat, he is very sweet and respectful. He is very insecure and from what i can make sense of, this women gave him attention and he liked it. She is 25 so maybe he felt very flattered.

His actions now have changed, he always gives me attention and makes me feel loved.
As a christian, i have forgiven him, i just cant forget sometimes.

I guess, that this has made us stronger because since what has happened he tells me everyday that he loves me. I think he was at the point of maybe feeling a tad bored? And he has some mates that are good time boys, that do not respect women, and maybe he felt he was missing out. But he had been given the chance and he chose me rather than this women.

 

[Pal Handy]

Yes we have been together for three years in september.

We started going out when we were 16 and we are nearly 20. We are both christians and we do want to get married. Im going to university this year, and we have discussed living together in the near future and get married and think of a family.

If this makes any sense to anyone. He isnt the type of boy to cheat, he is very sweet and respectful. He is very insecure and from what i can make sense of, this women gave him attention and he liked it. She is 25 so maybe he felt very flattered.

His actions now have changed, he always gives me attention and makes me feel loved.
As a christian, i have forgiven him, i just cant forget sometimes.

I guess, that this has made us stronger because since what has happened he tells me everyday that he loves me. I think he was at the point of maybe feeling a tad bored? And he has some mates that are good time boys, that do not respect women, and maybe he felt he was missing out. But he had been given the chance and he chose me rather than this women.

So why the hold up on marriage?
He is tempted because he is not with you as God intended and so
the devil brings temptation into his life to entice him.

I would suggest that you begin moving toward marriage.

Talk about it and set a date.
This way it is a goal the two of you have to look forward to.

Don't make this goal too far away.

Get some pre marriage conseling to help you both
to understand the commitment you are making.

If you keep hanging your plans together so far out there in the future
until everything is perfect, then you risk the possibility for
the enemy to continue to bring temptation into his life or yours.

1 Corinthians 7:9
but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.
For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 

[heron]

Hm, that is not the advice I would give after hearing he called you names while texting another girl while pretending to be spending time with you. It was not just indecisive -- it was insensitive, and there was intent to defame you.

Make sure that you really can trust him to be faithful before asking him for a commitment to be forever faithful. That's a long time for someone who still wants to play the field.

 

[Avniel]

So why the hold up on marriage?
He is tempted because he is not with you as God intended and so
the devil brings temptation into his life to entice him.

I would suggest that you begin moving toward marriage.

Talk about it and set a date.
This way it is a goal the two of you have to look forward to.

Don't make this goal too far away.

Get some pre marriage conseling to help you both
to understand the commitment you are making.

If you keep hanging your plans together so far out there in the future
until everything is perfect, then you risk the possibility for
the enemy to continue to bring temptation into his life or yours.

1 Corinthians 7:9
but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.
For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I don't think they are at the marriage stage yet. I mean he utterly disrespected her I think they should build the relationship more. Honestly if she was my sister I would have punched him in the face and made sure they would never get back together, honestly.

I was going to approach this unbias but if you were my little sister I would tell you to do better and get better because you deserve better. That's not love ma.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he refers to you as wench then you need to decide if that is how you want him to introduce you to people when you are married. This man is disrespectful and probably cheating on you. If I told you to let him go you probably wouldn't listen so good luck.

 

[citizenthom]

AutumnLeaf is right on. Looking to cheat on you + lying + using a disrespectful name for you = not marriageable. You are clearly just a "safety net" in his eyes. You deserve to be better than someone's eternal backup plan.

 

[BFine]

Spend more quality time in the word of God and less on being in a
long time dating relationship with someone who isn't ready for real
commitment...I believe both of aren't ready.

You both are young and on your way(s) to college(or work) I presume.
Will you be attending the same school or different ones?

A commitment that occurs too soon often leads to many regrets.
Take your time. Enjoy your freedom, get real with your personal relationship
with the Lord first and foremost.

A Closer look...
Forgiveness is important but remember trust is something that is earned.
How is he earning your trust after he was deceptive?
Does befriending the object of his "flirtation" make you feel you can trust
him?
Ask yourself...
How long will he keep "playing with fire" before he gets "burned"?
Is your relationship becoming a burden instead of a blessing?
How do you both honor the Lord with your relationship?

My thoughts...
I would give the relationship some "space" so the two of you can enjoy
being untangled from a long bf/gf relationship of 3 yrs... especially when one
of you is "straying" and being deceptive-- not to mention the part about discussing
living together.
Living together? Christians lets not sully "our" testimonies by willfully sinning.
I would urge both of you to get serious about being followers of Christ and not conform to the pattern of "the world".

Alas...I probably waste my breath on saying all this but I make the effort anyway because I don't like hearing about another Christian lady or gentleman falling away.

 

[Scott1979]

As I have seen firsthand with my parents as many other have seen to once the trust is gone the relationship pretty much is to. It is so hard to rebuild trust. Its sounds to me like you love this guy very much but love can be blinding. Look at him for who he really is and not what your heart is telling you who he is. I hope that makes sense. Another thing is that if you made it clear that he hurt you with the texting he was doing he certainly wouldn't accept this woman as a friend on Facebook if he really cared and loved you. God bless and best of luck to you.

 

[salida]

I wouldn't trust this guy at all-he sounds like a cheater. I suggest you pray about it and get someone else. Life is too short.

 

[alan650]

He calls you "wench" and you got back with him? He clearly has no respect for you or he wouldn't have referred to you as "wench" in those texts. I am sorry but I say break up with him and find a Godly man who will love and respect you the way a man is supposed to. He likely will cheat on you with another woman if he isn't already.

 

[tyronem]

I don't think they are at the marriage stage yet. I mean he utterly disrespected her I think they should build the relationship more. Honestly if she was my sister I would have punched him in the face and made sure they would never get back together, honestly.

I was going to approach this unbias but if you were my little sister I would tell you to do better and get better because you deserve better. That's not love ma.

I agree, if a man calls his partner a wench to someone else there is no respect there and respect is biggest on the list of things important to a man, most men would rather be respected and unloved than loved and disrespected, to project disrespect upon your partner is very poor taste.

As a man he should acknowledge he disrespected you and repent of that.

I would not rush into marriage unless you are both totally committed now and that is well behind you.

He should also defreind her, adding her as a friend would be like me adding an ex girlfriend

 

[mishbeans]

I agree with most of what people have said above. From what you have written so far, it does not seem like your boyfriend is being a very good man of God. He should not have treated you like that or called you those hurtful and disrespectful names. I do know what it is like to be hurt by the man you love and it is truly difficult to regain that trust and to love again. However, if he can truly show that HE wants to become a better man for GOD and treat you with love and respect I would consider continuing the relationship, BUT if there is no change I would go in different directions. First and foremost I feel that, if you are choosing to be in a relationship you should be with a person that will most help you grow in your faith and will glorify God to the fullest.

 

[heron]

Even if his pet name for you was wench, calling you that to another woman implies he can't wait to get away from you. Which means he is deceiving you both when it's convenient.

 

[Lee52]

I have to agree with those on here advising you to walk away from this guy and the relationship. It is just good tasting poison.

As the dad of 4 daughters and 7 granddaughter, I have to tell you that trust, respect, and honesty are the 3 biggest things in any relationship. Without these three, marrital love is empty and will die eventually.

Do not saddle yourself any longer with this con man. He is playing you.

GOD has a better man, a Christian man that will treat you the way the child of GOD is meant to be treated.

I once counseled a young woman that was in a relationship with a control freak. He called her vile, ugly names and stalked her all of the time when she was not with him. Once she dumped him, and a another male friend of hers and I let the guy know in no uncertain terms he was healthier and would remain that way away from her, he left.

She is now very happily married to a very wonderful man and is extremely happy. They are both very good friends and we look forward to retiring to the area where they have lived the past 4 years. Her husband and I have become very good friends and golf together when my wife and I get down their way. We did not know her husband before she introduced us, but GOD brought a truly loving, kind, solid Christian man into her life. They just returned from a mission trip with their congregation to a former Soviet country.

Dump this guy so that GOD can bring HIS choice for you into your life.

Be blessed,
Lee52

 

[arj1981]

You're on a slippery slope and uphill climb.