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Can we divorce?

Discussion in 'Ethics & Morality' started by adriw7878, Jan 24, 2018.

  1. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    In Matt 5:31-32 ... seemed to say it's the right thing to do (in my case).
    But many other verses seemed to indicate one must not divorce his wife.

    Please share your thoughts with me as I am planning to divorce her in 2 months time. Am I doing the right thing?

    A little background, we are now married 32 years and in our mid 50s. Past 28 years had a beautiful relationship with wife and 2 adult children. Served in Marriage Ministry for 10 years.

    I was medically mismanaged 4 yrs ago which caused me to be in coma for 2 years. When I woke up from coma, I saw a beautiful woman (wife) but she looked at me with disappointment and walked out the door to work .... without saying a word to me.

    She never kissed me or say "I love you." since I woke from coma in 2016, which we usually do for past 28 yrs ago. She goes work out at the gym (6 days/week) and then off to work ... coming home only past midnight (usually smelling alcohol in her breath). As my alertness improved, my daughter arranged for physiotherapy for me (twice per week for 6 months). I learnt how to walk, use my hands and speak again. Now, I can almost do most chores (walk, eat on my own, talk and drive - yeah!). She never accompany me for the physio sessions even once (though one session was on Saturdays).

    In early 2017, we had an afternoon tea time chat. I told her "Dear. I know my coma state for the past 2 years could be hard. If you have had any affairs, please stop it, seek God's forgiveness, repent and we can nurture our relationship again or we can divorce and you can have a legal new love." She turned angry and said "You are a sick man." In November 2017, we had another flare up and I asked if she wanted a divorce she said "No. You are a sick man." One night in December 2017, she was back 1 am from her Fridays night out ... she looked high on alcohol ... she changed in bathroom and quickly feel asleep. I went into bathroom and checked the laundry basket. Alas. I saw 2 large patches of whitish stains on her black silky panties. One of the patch was definitely semen ... I smelt it. I also saw she had a sexy Victoria Secret's panties in the basket ... which she had never shown me before.

    I then engaged a PI to check her after office activities. When I read the report and saw the pics in it, I nearly had a heart attack. She was having an affair with my best friend whom I have been friends with since 7 yrs old !!!

    I now have to act cool and not let them suspect anything as I prepare for divorce.

    Yesterday, my wife said she had an outstation (2 hrs drive away) visit with a colleague to check out facilities for their company's next outing. In the evening, I called my best friend and asked "Bro. Wife is outstation, wanna have dinner together?" He replied "Oh, I am at xxxx ( a city 200 miles from where my wife said she was going?"). I told him "Careful on you way back. The road could be slippery. God bless."

    Can I divorce her after her denials but PI's report and pics which cannot be denied?
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2018
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  2. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,320
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Yes, she was unfaithful to you. I believe the Bible gives you every right to divorce her if you choose to.

    However, do you want to try to run off the affair and save your marriage?
     
  3. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +3,396
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    You list yourself as a Celibate. Was this a mistake?
     
  4. High Fidelity

    High Fidelity Well-Known Member Supporter

    +8,122
    United Kingdom
    Atheist
    Private
    Adultery is Biblical grounds for divorce.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2018
  5. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +16,549
    United States
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Others
    Does she still go to church?
     
  6. angeltrue

    angeltrue Well-Known Member

    +511
    Christian
    Married
    I'm so sad to read that. I have had my husband's friends hit on me when we were younger and vice versa. I've heard so many stories similar to yours with best friends. I was so cautious with who I allowed close to me and my husband after some backstabbing from "friends."

    Did you ask your pastor his opinion? In a multitude of counselors there is safety but in the end only you know what you can endure. I know that medical problems put great strain on a relationship, as does just life itself. I know God speaks against divorce but I'm unsure what He calls us to do in cases of infidelity. How would it be if you were to confront your wife? If she is seeking comfort in the bottle it sounds like she's coping with stress in a maladaptive way - which is pretty common.

    I wish I had more to offer you. I took psychology but had to take a hiatus to raise my grandson and then my own medical trials hit. I hope you are able to find your way. Journaling one's feelings seems to be a way to insight into our own true feelings. +
     
  7. dreadnought

    dreadnought Lip service isn't really service. Supporter

    +3,408
    United States
    United Methodist
    Celibate
    Here is the verse I like to quote on this topic. These are the words of Jesus. I think they’ll hold up in court:

    And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery. Matt 19:9 RSV
     
  8. CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN

    CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN I'm praying for my dad to get well.

    +3,378
    United States
    Seeker
    Single
    US-Others
    I would tell her, you know she is cheating. And you think it would be best to divorce. Also I would ditch the best friend. I wouldn't divorce her behind her back.
     
  9. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,320
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Don't let her know you know.

    Instead, expose the affair to both of your families and children and the other man's wife and families (find his parents and siblings)- all at once on the same day if possible, and without warning to her.

    This will let the reality of the affair hit them like a bombshell. Exposure is the first step to killing the affair. The affairees will see their behaviors in the light of everyone else's eyes and this will likely be the biggest strike to killing the affair.

    One of the top experts at rescuing marriages after infidelity advises exposure even if you do not intend to reconcile. If exposure kills the affair, you can always re-consider reconciling later.

    Here is more detailed information about how to expose this affair in order to offer your marriage any possible chance of reconcilliation (not for vindictiveness):

    Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums
     
  10. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,320
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    As for the best friend, after exposure, confront him and tell him to never go near your wife again. Stay in touch with his wife and family if he does.

    If you want to recover your marriage, you will need to move far enough away so you never have to see him again and don't have to worry she might be with him whenever she has unaccounted for time, etc. At least 4 hours away from him - further if possible. Having him around in your geography will constantly trigger you and prevent the recovery of your marriage.
     
  11. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    I have given her 2 attempts to admit and repent. She turned around and told all her siblings that my illness had affected my brains and I kept hallucinating that she was having an affair.
     
  12. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    His wife knew he had other affairs and tolerated him because of the children.
     
  13. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    I have PI's report with pics. I definitely wanted to expose them when I divorce my wife but I was scared that his wife and children would be badly affected.
     
  14. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    Finding/making every excuse not to go. Initially, I found it strange that all Christian songs are not in our car anymore instead she kept listening to 80s love ballads .... now I know.
     
  15. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    I will use this threat to get her to sign the divorce papers.
     
  16. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    The other painful part ... is my daughter is getting married in July 2018. I think I should divorce only after her wedding ... a big dinner party (500 pax) is being organised and relatives from abroad are coming.
     
  17. adriw7878

    adriw7878 New Member Supporter

    27
    +21
    Singapore
    Christian
    Celibate
    No. Had given her 2 chances to repent but she turned around to tell her siblings and close friends that my illness had made me hallucinate her of having affairs. Now, I am not invited to her siblings houses anymore.
     
  18. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

    +6,895
    United States
    Atheist
    Married
    I think it's against the rules to advise someone to have a divorce, so I'll put it this way....if I were in your shoes, I'd get a divorce.

    I would confront her first though...though I wouldn't explain the PI or evidence that you have. I would tell her the same thing you told her before...that you understand and you're willing to forgive and rebuild your marriage. I wouldn't make it a question of "if she's having an affair"....I would simply tell her that you know she's having an affair and you know who with. Don't tell her how you know...simply tell her that you know and if she wants to stay married, she must cut off all contact with this man....as your friendship is obviously over. Perhaps once she realizes that you know...she'll come to terms with what she's done.

    If she doesn't though...I would divorce her. She clearly doesn't deserve you.
     
  19. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,320
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    This is why you NEVER warn your spouse that you are about to expose the affair and this type of scrambling is wayward spouse textbook behavior. Now you need to move quickly to execute the exposure if it is to have any effect.

    Do not threaten to do it, just do it. It is imperative that you catch her and the other man by surprise.

    Do not use a threat to expose as leverage in a divorce. Instead do it to see if she drops her affair and reverts back to the woman you married. While a person is in an affair, their are not themselves - almost as if an alien is possessing them. This massive exposure has the greatest chance of anything to knock some sense into them and bring pressure upon the affair by everyone who cares for them, for you and for your children.

    If you are successful in killing the affair, there is a good chance your real wife will return to her senses. Then you can make a decision about the marriage. Don't write off the marriage until you have given exposure a chance.

    Include in your exposure enough evidence to convince of the truth, but not pictures with nudity or that would depict her in a sexual act (even if fuzzed out) or anything else that would demean your wife. For example, you can let them know that an independent third party found them in an affair and provided photographic and other evidence. Your purpose is only to expose that an affair is happening with a believable message so your family can bring pressure on her to end her affair; it is not to get revenge by distributing something gross about her. If someone important (who has a lot of influence on her and would be key to pressuring her to ending the affair) demands proof, show them more detailed evidence, but still not the type of pics I referenced above.

    Please read the exposure thread I linked for you. The author of that thread is a volunteer who has assisted with hundreds (if not thousands) of exposures to help betrayed spouses end affairs. Follow her instructions exactly for your best chance of success.
     
  20. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,320
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    No, do not wait for this. Expose to your children the same day you expose to everyone else, but talk to them in person instead of in an email.

    If you wait:
    --the affair will become more entrenched AND all but have your blessing to continue
    --the longer affairs go on, the harder they are to break
    --you will be protecting your wife from the consequences of her behavior so she can enjoy a wonderful party...all at the expense of your children and you.
    --your children already sense something is wrong. They will be relieved to know the truth.
    --waiting gives the children the message that you knew about the affair and endorsed it. It is a very confusing message for your kids to get.
     
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