Can someone please tell me it is possible?

[Spiderlashes]

I left a very lonely, unhappy, tumultuous 4.5 year marriage almost a year ago. We had been in Christian marriage counseling on two separate occasions and had sex only twice in 4 years (both times during the same week, to conceive our second child, which I had to coerce him into). We never really spoke, and when we did, it was just to bicker or scream at each other. We hadn't been out on a single "date" since prior to the wedding. We hadn't kissed since prior to the wedding. He would hear me crying, and walk right past me. He was never violent or sexually unfaithful (that I know of)...but his coldness and callousness devastated me. I was miserable. Really miserable. But I just accepted it.

Then I met another man who was married. Unbeknownst to me, he was a serial cheater. But he showered me with attention and we wound up having a 5 month affair (it was mostly emotional with a couple of sexual encounters). As the affair was starting and while it was occurring, I told my husband that I was developing feelings for another man...and I pleaded with him to start counseling with me again and pleaded with him to please start showing me some attention and making me believe he cared. He agreed to counseling but barely participated and wouldn't do any of the things I asked of him (email/call/text me during the day to say hi, watch tv w/ me in bed, go out for a drink together without the kids, initiate sex with me, etc.)

My conscience eventually got the better of me and I ended the affair with the married man. But I saw no improvement in my marriage.

The counselor told me my husband had some serious emotional issues that he was unwilling or unable to fix...and I should probably walk away from the marriage. The counselor said he cannot speak for God but from what he understood, he felt my husband had abandoned me during the marriage and had failed to live up to his duties as a husband...and therefore my adultery was somewhat understable (albeit very wrong, still) and I should just repent and move forward with my life.

I told my husband that I wanted to end the marriage and felt he should move out. He did. The children and I remained in our house (legally my house) and we began a trial separation. Money was a lot tighter and I was lonely and stressed out with all the additional responsibility but overall, I was happy to not have to live with him and feel his rejection every day. I told him I wanted to go forward with the divorce; we would sell the house and tie up some other loose (and complicated) financial ends and I would file.

Then I met another man. Technically, I was still married but I was emotionally very ready to be close to someone again. More than ready. Desperate for it. I've been dating this man for 8 months now and he has said he'd like to marry me one day. I feel the same way. He's a really great person. My house still hasn't sold so I have not divorced my husband. I'm still committing adultery, I suppose.

I don't know what to do. I love the new man in my life. But I don't want to offend God any further. I am terrified God will not forgive me for the horrible sins I've committed against Him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back to my husband (assuming he would even have me). But I will if that is the only way to make things right with God. I want to make things right with God. I am afraid God won't bless a single thing I do for the rest of my life, if I don't get right with Him and repent. I desperately do not want to end my relationship with my current boyfriend! But if it is the only way, I guess I would be agreeable to it. (Though I would have no idea how to break the news to my boyfriend...who is also a Christian but views my situation as an extenuating circumstance.)

I have two young children. I worried how separating from their father would affect them. But they are thriving in this new environment that is peaceful and free of shouting and screaming and slamming doors. I've gradually started introducing them to my boyfriend (who they still think is just mommy's platonic friend) and they are crazy about him. They still see their father about 5 times a week.

I really would love to figure out a way to stay with my boyfriend (and eventually marry him), repent of my sins and make this right again.

What are your thoughts?

 

[redneckmedic]

The sin is what it is. When your are ready to repent do so, forgiveness is forgotten. The children need some major attention from you and their dad during and after this entire situation. Watch for signs of depression, not that they will be depressed but those signs/symptoms a-line with other behavior issues also. Your kids have to be number one. My mother had an affair on both my biological father (I was 2) and step father (16). I had a great relationship with my father but not step dad (good to see him go...abuser). So I didn't get to screwed up. My mother's excuse always was... "Don't I deserve to be happy too?" I don't know how to respond to that. But the short answer is no, happiness is temporary and joyfulness is long lasting, which is better for the family unit?

 

[Spiderlashes]

I am ready to repent now. But I do not wish to end my relationship. Yes, I want to experience the type of joy that comes only from loving Christ. But i would like to be a remarried woman experiencing it with my children and new husband.

As I read through these threads, it seems like all were started by people who were cheated on.

Is there anyone here who is the cheater?

Can the cheater ever make it right?

Can the cheater ever find peace and comfort in the love of Christ?

Can the cheater ever move forward with the confidence that God is still loving and protecting her?

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Spider,
What a hard situation you got yourself in
If I wer you I'd not consider going back to your ex. There is no indication he will be any better for you and that you will have a marriage that will work anywhere near the way God will want it to.

How did your husband treat the kids? Was he as distance them as he is from you?

I can understand your need for companionship. Being as needy as you are you will seek that even if you back away now for a while. But the main thing I think you got to be sure is that in your loneliness etc that you don't fall in with a new man that is taking advantage of your needs.

I'd agree with your counselor that your husband had abanded you. Its interesting that Jewish people taught that a man was obligated to meet the sexual needs of his wife based on a verse in Exodus. Jesus never said this understanding was wrong.

dayhiker

 

[fairygailie]

your husband sounds like mine. i get nothing emotionally from him and i can't say i ever have in the course of 25 yrs of marriage.

i'm waiting for the day i can get out of here and start over with someone who is truly a match for me. who i am compatible with. it certainly is not my husband. we both made a mistake. should have never married each other.

i've known other women who have gotten out of awful marriages, met someone they get along with, and are very happy. yes, we can seek happiness, but we must understand too that happiness most def is fleeting. the joy of the Lord is what is consistent.

of course, if you ask a happily married couple about being happy, it CAN happen.

sometimes yes, we do get ourselves in tough situations. or they evolve into that after years of marriage. all i have from my 25 years is my son. i am totally emotionally and physically disconnected from my husband. that's his choice.. he's the one who can NEVER share his emotions or NEVER wants to discuss anything important.

i just hope God has plans for me when i leave one day after my son turns 18. i hope He has plans for you too. i really don't think we were meant to suffer in a marriage. our husband should be our friend, not a thorn in our side.

keep praying. God already knows the outcome.

 

[overit]

Get the divorce done...personally I think you don't need to leave your boyfriend-your marriage ended years ago-it's paperwork now...the condition of the heart/divorce has been made years ago when your husband abandoned you. You can repent of the past-i think your current situation is quite different though-I do not see it as an affair. If you have a godly man who loves you and your kids-and you can model a good relationship to your kids with him that is a good thing.

I left my abusive spouse-and 6 years later I'm finally-i think-finding what you have with someone-my kids have met him. THey also have seen the tense relationship with their dad-and how happy/relaxed and affectionate this relationship is. Boys are crazy about him, and he's great with them. THere is life after divorce-...regardless of what others tell you-have you prayed about it? Do you feel at peace in your spirit with this man and relationship? DO you feel convicted or is it because of what you hear others say? Have you brought if before GOd and asked Him to guide you?

 

[~Lynz~]

i dont see whay u got to leave your bf for either...

my aunt divorse took 7 years in that time she met a manand was engaed for 3 yrs untill the divorse came through and she could finnaly get married. (she had the hall booked the dress bough all befor her divorse wasf final. (ened up postponing the wedding 5 times cause of it all)

divorse is just the paper work. if ur happy in your new realtionship be happy