Can no longer separate sex from sin

[historyprincess710]

Let me start this off by saying I have never been abused in my life. Both my parents are godly loving people, and they did not teach me the things I'm about to say. I simply came to this conclusion on my own.

I still have a desire to marry, but the more I learn about how hard it is, the more hopeless it feels. Probably the most difficult area for me is sex. I'm a virgin in her mid-twenties who's never been asked out once (a rare breed, I know), so it's easy for me to think this way.

I've never looked at inappropriate content or anything like that. But I have my own struggles like everyone else. I have an on/off bad habit of reading smut, and no matter how many times I give in, I feel dirty. I've been told having these feelings is normal given my age. But I don't care. I'm a virgin so I'm not supposed to know about any of that stuff.

It's gotten to the point though where I can no longer mentally separate sex in general from sin. For one thing, sex more often than not does WAY more harm than good (STDs, unwanted pregnancies, affairs, human trafficking, inappropriate content, rape, incest, abuse, etc.). In fact, I get angry now if someone ever suggests sex is a good thing and natural. Natural does not equal good. It's natural for us to sin.

I don't care if it's God-given or natural. The point is I can no longer look forward to being with my future husband, if I ever even have a chance. And as a single person, I have no morally legal way to deal with my libido. I'm just supposed to pretend it doesn't exist. In fact, I'm appalled that I would want something so destructive and perverse.

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I don't marry, then my drive really serves no purpose. But even if I do, I know I'm going to have to do a lot of mental clearing out to even have a chance of enjoying it.

There's this expectation in the Christian community that on your wedding night you just go from being a virgin to a vixen. What was once meant to be avoided like the plague is now to be enjoyed like there's no tomorrow. Now that it's pretty much impossible for me to not associate sex in general with sin…I don’t know. My point is you can't just say yes in one night after years of saying no.

If anyone wants to have an attempt at changing my mind, then go ahead.

 

[Sanoy]

I hear you, it's a terrible, maybe even an impossible situation to navigate. There are all these bad things, but bad things are abstractions or departures from good things. So when you have the feeling something is bad there must also be a referent to something that is good. It's very easy to hate it, but that can make us unhealthy inside when we have the wrong responses, and if you let these feelings go to far it can damage you later. Humans have 4 strong coercion's that they are captive to Feeding, Fleeing, Fighting, and Mating. It sucks and you want to hate your captor, but God put them there. We have just done the wrong things with them and manipulated their triggers for gain.

You need to be healthy. Somewhere out there is a man that is looking for you and you want to be a good spouse to him just as he was to be a good spouse to you. I assume by smut you mean those romance novels with mild sex scenes? I have no spiritual advice here, but personally I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Fighting is one of our coercion's and animals play fight because they need to know how to fight when it's time to fight. My Dad didn't tell me anything about sex, I had to learn that for myself. It's not a simple matter for men or women. Our parents need to be teaching us more than how to make a baby. So maybe these books will be healthy, I mean I wouldn't go 50 shades here, but a reasonable romance book. Sex has to be pretty scary for women and it's probably good to have some expectations so that you can remain in the proper romantic mood. Our parents should be teaching us this, but we told ourselves these are all dirty things, so we don't and our children don't know how to be good spouses in those respects, and that can cause all sorts of disharmony in a marriage.

Be healthy. We like to think of Matthew 5:30, if your hand causes you to sin cut it off. You can't cut off your mind, if you treat it with violence the whole thing will be damaged. Be healthy, I can't tell you if Romance Novels are a sin, but if that is what is keeping you healthy read it in freedom. We cannot overcome our flesh, either God does it for us, or we trust in His grace to get by our mistakes.

 

[Loren T.]

I understand the struggle of seeing it as bad for so long and then being supposed to enjoy it as something good. I'm sure it was different for me as a man, but I assure you that when you are with someone you love and the restrictions have been removed by the wedding vows, sex does feel natural and guilt free. I think the problem is how our culture, including smut books, portray sex. It's glorified and held up as an end of itself, as if the whole point of life is to find someone to get it on with. This cheapening of real intimately is hard to escape in our world. I've been married over 20 years now. Being intimate with my wife in some ways is actually more enjoyable now, than in the beginning, in spite of the fact that we are no longer slim young people with endless energy. That is the beauty of real love, it is about enjoying each other forever. What you are seeing in this world is Satan's perversion of something good and beautiful. Sin in a marriage is not sin, it is not dirty or unclean. One more thing, a man who truly loves you for you will not expect you to be a sex goddess on your wedding night. This is something that takes time to grow and cultivate, like everything good in marriage. When you are finally married, you need to let go of the pressure to be something you are not and just let things happen naturally. No one does anything perfectly the first time.

 

[dreadnought]

Let me start this off by saying I have never been abused in my life. Both my parents are godly loving people, and they did not teach me the things I'm about to say. I simply came to this conclusion on my own.

I still have a desire to marry, but the more I learn about how hard it is, the more hopeless it feels. Probably the most difficult area for me is sex. I'm a virgin in her mid-twenties who's never been asked out once (a rare breed, I know), so it's easy for me to think this way.

I've never looked at inappropriate content or anything like that. But I have my own struggles like everyone else. I have an on/off bad habit of reading smut, and no matter how many times I give in, I feel dirty. I've been told having these feelings is normal given my age. But I don't care. I'm a virgin so I'm not supposed to know about any of that stuff.

It's gotten to the point though where I can no longer mentally separate sex in general from sin. For one thing, sex more often than not does WAY more harm than good (STDs, unwanted pregnancies, affairs, human trafficking, inappropriate content, rape, incest, abuse, etc.). In fact, I get angry now if someone ever suggests sex is a good thing and natural. Natural does not equal good. It's natural for us to sin.

I don't care if it's God-given or natural. The point is I can no longer look forward to being with my future husband, if I ever even have a chance. And as a single person, I have no morally legal way to deal with my libido. I'm just supposed to pretend it doesn't exist. In fact, I'm appalled that I would want something so destructive and perverse.

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I don't marry, then my drive really serves no purpose. But even if I do, I know I'm going to have to do a lot of mental clearing out to even have a chance of enjoying it.

There's this expectation in the Christian community that on your wedding night you just go from being a virgin to a vixen. What was once meant to be avoided like the plague is now to be enjoyed like there's no tomorrow. Now that it's pretty much impossible for me to not associate sex in general with sin…I don’t know. My point is you can't just say yes in one night after years of saying no.

If anyone wants to have an attempt at changing my mind, then go ahead.

Premarital and extramarital sex are sin. Neither serve any purpose but to give a few seconds of bliss. Then we have to deal with the aftermath.

 

[Brotherly Spirit]

Anything we have or use could be associated with sin. A person who's obese gets fat from food, but we don't say the problem is eating. It begins with the person who has perverted the purpose to provide the body's needs. With the nourishment it receives the person is healthy and alive to enjoy life. It's only when the person selfishly and excessively eats he/she has a problem. Not a question of the act being good or evil; it's the persons intentions and actions, why he/she did it and what he/she did it for.

It'd help to consider both sides of sex, the good and the bad. Seems you're too focused on the wrongs and negative consequences, not enough about the good which has it's own consequences. Just as it's wrong to selfishly sleep around getting an unwanted pregnancy, he/she could had waited for a committed relationship and prepared him/herself to have a child. While the latter doesn't guarantee sunshine and roses forever, doing what's right will bring more joy than despair.

Many of us are virgins, as one I have hope it's not a problem . Seriously, I don't believe sex is everything about my self or life; I've learned it's best not worry about it. The way to do this is not let it dictate your thoughts and actions. When it's negatively affecting you, respond but not react to it; thoughtfully and carefully, if needed focus your attention elsewhere. For not being prepared for it on your wedding night, remember it's a relationship involving two people; try not to have expectations and just communicate going at a comfortable pace.