Hi! To fellow Christians, please read the entire story below – thanks!
I have an OCD for almost 7 years already. For the first three years, it was purely Compulsions (no obsessive thoughts or whatnot). It simply disappeared or became very subtle during my college years (next four years). It resurfaced just late this month – not as Compulsions – but as Obsessions.
I have been terrified and fearful because of the on-going war (OCD) on my head for the past two weeks, but when I read in the Net that those (the uncontrollable thoughts) are forgivable, I was greatly relieved – however, my OCD started branching out into different directions – like trying to cancel out the incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about it and thinking about the “not” after it – that sort of cancels it. One thing, however, that happened, is that it became furiously out of control, and maybe at times, it is me who initiates those thoughts – not an obsession, but probably a real thought – by me. This adds to my guilt and fear that maybe I have committed the unforgivable sin – because it just happens that I think about those blasphemous thoughts and the word “not” (to cancel it) not actually to cancel an incoming blasphemous thought, but just because it became a habit.
While the occasional obsessions or unwanted thoughts that spring out of the OCD mind (regardless of how blasphemous they are) are universally accepted as forgivable, there are some modifications in my OCD that I think may lead or may even be THE unpardonable sin:
1. As stated above, I cancel incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about them and the word “not” subsequently. Sometimes though, I forget to think about the word “not”. And what’s worse – it just became sort of a habit to me – thinking about blasphemous thoughts and the word “not” and sometimes forgetting to say the word “not”.
2. I was sitting on my bed yesterday, when suddenly a thought popped out of my mind – I do not know if it was indeed mine or of the OCD – it just sort of popped. It was a blasphemous thought, and then I said (thought) “not” seconds after to cancel that. Was it indeed canceled?
3. Later, wanting to check if I really did that, I tried to repeat what happened – and through this, I repeated the blasphemous thought and forgot to say “not” – which I did thought of only 5 seconds after.
4. When I was going to sleep, my head was suddenly filled with the urge (again, I don’t know if the urge was mine or the OCD’s – AND I’M REALLY AFRAID BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE MINE) to think about a thought like this: “[The blasphemy]…[not]” (Given this, the blasphemy is canceled, right?), so I thought about it. Then something just went to my mind - an urge to think about the word “not” (This cancels the initial one, thus making the blasphemy true) – I thought about it, to my horror. I did not know why I thought about it – or why did I have such an urge to do so. I immediately repeated the word “not” after a few seconds. – so I went to sleep extremely guilty and fearful.
5. As I was getting up from bed the next day, another blasphemous thought happened (I don’t know if it was me or the OCD which started it) – I thought about the word “not” – canceling the blasphemy…
6. But then, it was followed by another, which is another bad blasphemy, after which I thought “not” again – but suddenly it morphed from a blasphemy to one which is, well, still a blasphemy, but with a word “not” inserted in it – I was still canceling the first thought with my “nots” when this second thought (to which the first one morphed into) appeared– and since the second one had a “not”, when I think about the word “not” again, it would make the blasphemy true. The problem with this, is that since I’m half-asleep and half-awake, I was still thinking repeatedly about the word “not” to cancel the first blasphemy when this second thought happened – making this second blasphemy true (to my extreme horror).
7. I was going to the bank to pay some dues during 10 AM when I had the same thoughts again with #6 (above). However, the initial blasphemy, after I canceled it by thinking about the word “not”, was again morphed (I don’t know if it was me or my OCD – I really don’t know) – into another blasphemy, sporting a word “not” after it – which effectively cancels it. However, as I was still caught with the initial thought, I kept on repeating the word “not” in my head to cancel it (like the situatin above), even when the second thought (containing the word “not” in it) appeared – which, again, effectively makes the blasphemy true. Thing is, the “not” word has been repeated several times, which makes me doubt whether or not I’ve canceled these thoughts (same with # 6, above).
If it is possible, please answer per item if those thoughts indeed are the UNPARDONABLE sin (or if it was canceled) and if you had experiences with this. Did you have experiences of these?
What really makes me worried is that – maybe God has abandoned me or maybe He would not forgive me – or worse, maybe I am really meant to go to hell someday.
I am due to take the Medical Entrance Examinations in the coming weeks, and if these feelings inside me persisted, I fear that I might not make the grade that I need – I couldn’t even study well or process information at this point. On the other hand, I also have a worry that I might have committed the unpardonable sin.
I’m an honest Christian; I don’t do drugs or stuff like that. I’ve been brought up in a Bible-believing Christian family (dad is Baptist, mom is Evangelical), and my parents do Mission work. I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ and in the Bible. And of course, I’ve seen God work through my life before this resurgence of my OCD. That’s it – but then, I’m dead worried that I might not be go to Heaven someday, or that God might not help me in the upcoming Medicine Entrance Examinations and stuff like that because of the stuff I mentioned above.
One thing I’m sure of is that I’m totally a wreck right now – keeping on thinking if I’m still saved – and those situations (urges) above, particularly Numbers 1-7, might actually be a product of my VERY OWN thinking (not of the OCD) – leading to unpardonable sin. I am deeply worried right now – I don’t even have joy. Maybe I won’t be happy again in my entire life. I can’t even distinguish between my very own thoughts and that of the OCD – maybe I have been all along committing the Unpardonable Sin.
[After two weeks of these intense OCD in my head, my OCD symptoms are gradually starting to clear up (thank God!), but I still don’t know if I have committed the unpardonable sin and if I’m going to Heaven someday.
I would also like to know if you also had problems distinguishing between your own thoughts and that of the OCD.
Thanks and God Bless!
