Can i ask a question ...bit of advice too *poss trigg*

[katey]

How do i cope with the release of me 'abuser' because im not coping too well!!!!!!!!!

my 'Abuser' is coming out of prison later this year after serving six years of a nine year sentence. hes going to be on extended license and things are ment to be getting put in place. But im really really scared and nobody seems to be getting that. Probation support have been great and have explained and re=explained things to me anbout what happens when he comes out etc and telling me it will be ok and if he tries contacting me etc hell be back inside and that im not to worry.

But the problem is, i am worrying!!!!!! He didnt do anything to them. hes not the big scary person he is to me. basically he made a number of threats to kill me during the abuse, before he went in (when people knew) and hes managed to from being in there too (which yeah he did get in to trouble for) and he's never admitted it either. and im so scared of him. i know i shouldnt be and all that. but the thought of him coming out really frightens me. (i struggle with my Mental health as a result and currently in an ED unit, and its just adding major stress to things right now)

i know i cant change the fact he's coming out, theres nothing i can do about that. i was supposed to have a say in what his restriction stuff will be but everything ive asked for ive basically been told that it cant happen. which yeah really didnt help me at all. The local police know me really really well, and theyve been great too telling me theyll be there if anything happenes and theyl do everything they can to make sure he comes nowhere near me. but none of this is coming close to helping me feel even a little bit ok about it.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in situation, or similair would be able to give me any advice on howmanage it a little better because im really running out of ideas now and it just seems to be gettign nearer

 

[LaBarre]

Okay Katey, I'm sorry that I probably don't have anything to tell you that you want to hear. But I'm going to try anyway.

It sounds like you feel helpless. You can't predict what this guy will or won't do, what the police will or won't do, so basically, there's really only one person I would really count on here - and that's you. You may not ever feel safe from this guy if you don't have a plan on how to protect yourself. Consider self defense lessons - the kind that are designed for women in averting an attack by a man, not the karate type that takes years to learn. I'm worried right now that you're so scared that you're already protesting this idea.

Please reconsider. Here's why: In 5 minutes time, a self defense instructor taught me 4 different things to do in order to protect myself from a man. This was not an official class, he was just demonstrating what kind of stuff he teaches. I can still do these moves today - over 10 years later. That's how simple it was to learn.

I don't know if this guy is just enjoying scaring you, or if he has a real intent on harming you. But if you learn how to take care of yourself, prove to yourself that you can defend yourself, then if you have to face him again, he's going to see a different Katey.

He's been in prison for 6 years. You're no longer a 16 year old kid, you're a 22 year old woman - that's going to work in your advantage. He still remembers you as a kid.
If you learn how to use your body language, use a strong, firm voice, use the right words, (all of these can be taught by a good self defense program), then you will look and act more confident (even if you are still afraid). criminals like scared people - they don't use their power, and they can make easy targets.

But if this guy sees you are no longer a child, and that you have chosen to be the person in charge this time, that could be enough to stop him right there.

Choose to use your power Katey, it makes a difference, it really does.

Some women are very afraid to take self defense lessons, and you may be one of them. Can you try to at least watch one somewhere? Talk to someone who has taken them, maybe you know a counselor who can recommend classes?

Also, keep asking people for ideas. Find experts, doctors, etc. and get ideas on how to protect yourself. Let people know the situation you will be in, have neighbors call you if they see something suspicious, can a lawyer help? find books - maybe even one on how to protect yourself from a stalker, etc. Get LOTS of ideas. You have some time before he gets out....use it to prepare. The more you can do and be in control of the better you will feel.

I'm hoping someone else will have more ideas for you. Keep working on this Katey, don't let the fear stop you. I wish you the very best.

LaBarre

 

[mjmcmillan]

LaBarre is probably right. In any case, I can't come up with anything else that helps much.

This guy is getting out after serving six years of a nine year sentence. Even if he had served the full term, you would only have had three years more before facing this problem, so either way you still have to ride this bronco. Once out, he has rights (though limited somewhat) the same as anybody else so you find there's a limit on what you can do through the legal system. The police are largely limited to being effective only after something has happened, mostly useless before then.

So, your choices look something like this: A; learn self defense, B; hire a bodyguard (most of us are too broke for this) or C; move and don't tell ANYBODY where you're moving to. Of the three choices, A is probably the most practical.

 

[katey]

Thankyou, for replying, sorry its taken a while to say thankyou things have been a little hectic this end.

LaBarre, thankyou. I know that there are certain things that the police/probation have to do. but as yet nothing set as to what exactly is happening. as for him being unpredictable, well yeah he always was (well with me anyway) but he always followed up on his threats. which is partly how know hes capable of what hes saying(yet other people seem to think im putting too much into it!!!)
As for relying on myself, i wish i could but things arent fantastically good in that area either i know i need to try and that im the only person i should be able to rely on its just really hard.

Helpless is one way of explaining it,
Ive previously had self defense lessons, so in a way practically yeah i could probably stand up for myself. if i didnt have all the other stuff around him. i know that may not make sense at all. and probably just sounds like im making excuses.

I think that its both, he enjoyes it and theres intent there. hes done it before. ( the reason fro the prison sentence was, Sexual abuse and rape, but there was physical abuse and major violence that resulted in many hospital visits) ive tried fighting him in the past, yeah ok i was younger but it left me ina worse state.

I will think about it though, maybe try a different type of self defense see if it helps.

Its just things hes done since being found out arrested and in prison. if i was just going of the years of abuse then yeah standing up to him might not seem as scary. But hes tried ways of getting to me since then. and i think thats just adding to it all. if that makes any sense at all.

Thankyou though for taking the time to read and reply, it is all helpful.


mjmcmillan, again thankyou for replying.

Yeah i think ive realised i cant keep trying to avoid it, its going to happen wether im ready or want it to or not. i cant change it he cant stay locked up forever i know that, though doesnt make it any easier.
Yeah thats whats causing all the issues with putting things in place 'his rights!' i knwo that my liasons officer and people on 'my side' are doing there best and i do appreciate that theres only so much that they can do, and like the police can only step in properly if he does anything once he's out. (i do know a large amount of the police force here which sort of helps in a way, theyve known me for years [ not because ive been in trouble loads] i do know that they will do there best to watch out n monitor him n stuff. its just nto really having an effect on how im feeling about it.


i dont know. maybe i am being daft, and will all be fine. i just cant really see it happening.