Can anyone relate to this?

[Salsa_1960]

I wouldn't really call it depression (though there are signs of it present). I say this because I sometimes go through periods of depression and this isn't the same. (Unless maybe those periods are double-depression). It's just that January 2002 to January 2003 was one heck of a year and I'm just not the same person I used to be.

• In late January of 2002, my husband left me. Though this was not really a bad thing (in the long run), it was hard on me, just the same.
• In September 2002, my oldest daughter died. (She was only 10). It was not anticipated and though I know that death is not at all easy when you have forewarning, it is just kind of weird when you don't. (She died in a traffic accident-- was hit by a semi-truck while riding her bicycle).
• In the summer of 2002, I brought my youngest daughter home to live. She had been living in a group home in the same town where I live. (She is dx'd with profound mental retardation, low-functioning autism, and ADHD). After my oldest daughter died, however, her behavior changed and she became more difficult to handle. I ended up placing her in a group home again in late January of 2003, but it is over an hour away as the former group home wouldn't take her again because of disagreements between us in the past. I'm not able to drive and so I don't see her very often.

Things I used to enjoy doing, I just don't anymore. My middle daughter still lives at home but I don't want to do things with her. It's not that I don't love her. It's more like I just don't have any interest in doing those sorts of things-- at all. Once in a while I will anyway, but there is absolutely no enjoyment in it. (I used to play with my kids all the time). I was a "fun mom." I'm not anymore. Things that were once fun, just aren't.

I'm dx'd bipolar so an antidepressant is a no-no, but even when I'm on a high, I still don't enjoy the things I used to. (I just get obsessive with a few things like cleaning my house or playing my guitar). I know I'm robbing my daughter with these feelings I have, but I just don't enjoy being "playful" anymore. I'm also extremely impatient with her-- and over silly little things too.

It really stinks.

 

[allieisme]

Maybe they need to change your bi polar medication?

 

[eduyi eweka]

I think you are a little unfair to your daughter, try and do more of the things you use to with her. In time you will develop the same kind of love for her.
dont grief yourself anymore, the time isnt there for all that.
eduyi eweka

 

[Victrixa]

eduyi,

In all respect for you, I have the impression that you have not really suffered in your life... or am I wrong? The thing is, when one has suffered much, he/she has a natural empathy for those who suffer... Please forgive me if I'm judging you wrongly. Just an impression I get from you.

sandinmyears,

I'm really sorry that you are going through so much pain! Please accept my hugs!

You are grieving much my dear. Grieving over your husband's abandonment (a loss), grieving over the loss of your daughter, grieving over your youngest daughter's mental illness... That is a lot to go through for one person!

I think you are suffering from depression. A person who suffers from depression normally doesn't feel like doing the things he/she used to enjoy doing or doesn't enjoy doing them anymore. Or even worst, depression often leads one to not enjoy life anymore, therefore, doesn't feel like doing anything at all. I know how that's like and my husband also. Depression has (and does) been hitting both of us.

Please see a doctor about this? Get the professional help you need.

In the meantime, I'll be praying for you,

Love and prayers,

Caroline

 

[coreventsasia]

Dear Sandin,

Am so sorry you had to go through all that, I pray God give you the strength & patience to deal with your daily struggles. I have found a product that has helped tremendously in treating depression - it's called XanGo, I truly believe it's agift from God. You may try searching the internet about how it has helped so many people deal with depression. God bless you!

 

[Salsa_1960]

Thanks for the input.

We went for a long walk today on the bike trail. I actually did silly things like skipping on one foot and stuff like that.

I'm not keen on going on an antidepressant for a number of reasons. If the bipolar dx is correct (and I do question it), an antidepressant may make me hypomanic. Also, I'm not wanting to be on too many meds because of cost. I'm not insured and will be losing medicaid soon.

 

[alexeeah]

I am bawling like a little baby right now!!! Man the presence of God is so strong in my room. S God knows your heart. It is a horrible thing to lose a child. I have witnessed two parents in the last year lose children inour comunity. No matter how hard they try to hide it GOd shows me their pain by allowing me to feel what they feel. Sort of a supernatural empathy. (I know you think i'm crazy now.) But I think it is really just how God is feeling towards them. How he hurts for women like that and like you. God did not do this to your daughter, He did not make your daughter handicapped, and He did not take your daughter. The enemy came to steal kill and destroy. The Lord came to give us life and it more abundantly. Your middle daughter needs you. Oh I can't even begin to tell you how much. I know from experience. I had a mom growing up but she was never around, i never heard Ilove you she never did things with me. And now I get really depressed when i think of my child hood and what i long for. Sometimes i cry myself to sleep thinking how different my childhood could have been if they wouldhave only loved me. Please Please don't let your middle daughter suffer the way I did. Make a difference for her. My heart is breaking so much right now i will go cause I can't see to ttype

 

[searchingforGodlyanswers]

You may not be able to read all this at one time, lose your focus or concentration, that's a normal part of grieving/depression, etc. So take as much time as you need/want.

Yes I can relate, if that's what you want to call it; but each person handles/feels the same type situations differently and yet still goes through a lot of pain. In addition each time the same person going through a bout of depression may be different than at another time period that same person has gone through depression. This may have to do with where you are in life as a whole and what/who you have helping you. Some people seem to get depression like a cold, and it goes away to come back or not; while others seem to have it all the time, and it just gets stronger or seems to fade away for some time, or it fluctuates. I'm still not sure which type I have... It feels like a dark cloud over me, and even sunshine can look "dark".
I am sorry to read that you are having these losses. Losing a husband who is still alive can be just as painful as losing one through death, and some times seeing your spouse can make it like you're reliving the events. Even if the loss makes you better off, it can still hurt very badly for many years. If there was any abuse, that makes it even more rougher too as he may have lowered your esteem and caused permanent emotional, spiritual, and physical scars or caused or aggravated any hidden underlying or already problems. I think you have depression, maybe bipolar or something hormonal going on.

Health problems, and people who do not understand can also make the situation worse. You could get your thyroid checked out if you have not already. It could be a number of different factors, physical, mental, past history, etc. It could be your personality type (phlegmatic, sanguine, melancholy, choleric) cause you to be more prone to certain behaviors and certain forms depression. According to a psychology class I had, people have to go through a significantly emotional event (SEE) to completely change them once they have established thier identity as an adult. From what I have seen a lot of depressed people do not know who they are any more other than their roles (mother, daughter, (ex)wife, worker,etc). Depression may just be the symptom/fruit with a lot of subsymptoms. You will need to find the root of what exactly is causing it, and it won't be easy, and you probably cannot do it alone. You will need to examine yourself, find out what you do like to do. You might want to check out some of the sites I've been to and posted on.

http://www.christianforums.com/t731554&page=2
http://www.christianforums.com/t731554&page=3
http://www.christianforums.com/showthread.php?p=8756925#post8756925

I've had a lot of other things happening or that happened to me that I don't want to go into detail about here at this moment...

These trials come and it is so hard to deal with them at times.
Does your church have a local support group, free pastoral counseling, or can it refer you to a place where you can get free counseling? Do you have a support system or anyone compassionate and supportive standing by you? Are you even able to go to church, or does that seem impossible to you for now or impossible to get out of bed? If you can make it to a pastor, and there's no local free support group, maybe you can ask the pastor if (s)he could start one, or find someone willing to start one, or if you get up to it maybe you can start one....
Try to do something, anything. It is normal for a depressed person to have ups and downs, confusion, or to feel lethargic, numb, feel not depressed but also not motivated, etc. The root of the problem may not even be depression, but something else causing it (wether physically, mentally, spiritually, past history of abuse or neglect, etc.) Depression can present itself physically, spiritually, socially, and so on, in which turn, these presentations of the depression can turn around and cause a cyclic effect, making the depression worse.

I've made posts on the personal/fitness section about depression. Maybe you can go there and check those out too. Seems like we are both dealing with a lot of trials, and there is no real answer other than the Bible and seeking God.

As far as your medication, is there a way you can get on a medicaid/medicare system, or go to a free clinic to get help? You can try to get a social worker to help you. My schizophrenic brother has had a social worker for several years, and he's in his 40's.
Sometimes I'd like to stay asleep. Reality is so hard. When my youngest daughter died, I had a lot of nightmares and sweated a lot, even in an air conditioned room and probably from the blood loss slept about 24 hours (give or take) at a time a day with very few awake hours. The day after her funeral, I did not want to get out of bed. At all. Not to urinate, not to eat, not to drink anything. My formerly abusive husband had to beg me to drink something. I do not know why it took her death for him to treat me nicer, but I'm afraid that it may not last, that he may revert back to previous behavior, but that could also be my depression or the enemy trying to disrupt the marriage. Only time and trusting in God will help me be able to tell. On the part about going out and doing things, my activities have changed dramatically. I've only been to church 3 times since her death, and one of the times was a different church that had of all things, a baby dedication. Boy was that tough. I noticed that the church I've been attending is doing a baby dedication too and some church voting for an administrative pastor. I just want to literally soak in the Bible, a Bible sermon, but going to church even feels different. I could not return to Ladies' Bible class right away, but plan to when school starts again. I feel so uncomfortable with going there to Bible class with everyone there. Grief makes it so hard to get out to do anything, but I think that's where I will start soon, even if I have to force myself, with the Ladies' class. Maybe you could do the same. As far as other activities, I have changed too. Maybe you can try to change your activites as well, just so you can be doing something. When you do start doing other activities, it may take a month or two for you to notice any effects...

I don't think you love your daughter less, but that you are using a psychological protection mechanism. When a person has stressors or stimuli that provoke the flight or fight responses often enough and a person has this constant barage on him or her, the person's system wears down. Or in other words, when a person has been hurt or stressed enough, the body has to respond. For example people who are under a lot of stress more often, after a while may not be able to handle it without getting depressed. With the depression/exhaustion comes a whole host of symptoms of the depression and a whole host of other problems (like high blood pressure, higher chance of heart attack, infections, and so on). A person can have all kinds of hormones rushing through them in response to stressors, especially negitive ones. Some people can handle stress better, some can't. It is possible that you may not have bipolar but a lot of hormonal problems, or maybe even both. The depression is causing you to feel differently and see things differently. It is not uncommon for some parents to feel like they are crazy or losing their minds. I have also read that it can take 3 years to deal more effectively with a child's death, but I think it may take much much longer for those who are already depression-prone, and we'll never "get over it", even if (s) has other children.
If you have any urges to hurt yourself, please get to a hospital, or call someone to stay with you, please promise me this much.
You may be able to qualify for disability and can check with legal aid or a college university law student or professor about that, but I know doing anything or even getting out of the house at all may seem rough and cause more stress responses, just take it a little at a time.
Also, is your daughter on any medications, or can you not afford them?
You may have to get a social worker to help you handle that situation too if you have not already.
Do you have any one offering assistance to help you with your children while you take a break to relax and enjoy yourself?
Right now I try to focus on things to do. I just try to find things to do. That may not be easy for you at this time or maybe you can do several things at the same time.
These are just some ideas and mostly my experience and input. I am glad you can go to the pc and fellowship with us; that's a start.
Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things you don't want to, like you're on automatic pilot for a while. Sometimes you have to try different things. What works for some may not work for others, and it will more than likely not go away overnight permanently, unless God decides to perform that miracle on you. It will more than likely take a lot of time, however, to get used to doing things again.
Please let me know how you are going about your process of healing and what you are doing; maybe you and I can help each other by praying for each other and keeping in touch on these forums or otherwise.
Again, I am so sorry.
Hugs & Kisses to my sister & friend.
I will pray for you. Where 2 or more are gathered He is in our midst.
You can pm me; I may be on or afk, but I will reply when I get the message or some time after.
Kim.

 

[Salsa_1960]

Thanks for your reply, Kim.

I agree that it is depression. Thing is, I do have ups and downs, but I don't think it's bipolar because they seem to be more situational. I'm also dx'd with ADHD and have read that ups and downs are also common in ADHD but tend to be more situational and may happen many times in one day even rather than in cycles (as in bipolar disorder). I think that fits me.

My daughter is also on meds. She is on Wellbutrin for ADHD, but ofcourse it helps with depression. She takes Ritalin during the school year. I'm not crazy about this because it affects her appetite. (We tried Strattera but it was even harder on her appetite). She's not terribly hyper. It's really more like ADD than ADHD and the meds help her stay on task at school.....but that's another topic.

Some good things are happening in my life too and that helps a lot. I'm not often terribly depressed. It's just that I don't usually enjoy doing the things I used to. I think a lot of it is loneliness.

 

[VivDaGurl]

Time isn't the cure for any kind of griefs but the proper process allows you to do so. Your feelings are all crumbed up together like a big ball and you don't even know what you are feeling and how you feel right now. You do not know what you want to do and everything just doesn't seems right at all. This is a very normal feeling, my dear...

It's not easy to get out from this circle and do get the support you required from the correct source. Usually, a proper grief process takes you two years to overcome it and when you need help, the help support isn't there. You'll feel much more pain when it comes to any anniversary and sometimes, you would be looking out for certain things which you know deeply that it will not come back. For example, you might hear the door open at a certain time when your elder daughter would come back but when you looked out and couldn't find her at the doorstep, you'll feel horrible, am I right?

sandinmyears, you feel very difficult to let go because you have not said a proper goodbye to her. Let me suggest this to you. Sit yourself down with pieces of paper and start to print anything on the paper as if you are writing to your elder daugther. Tell her how you are feeling right now and how much you wanted her to be around. How much you've missed her and so on. Just pen down anything at all.

Then, there's two options you can go from here:
1. burn the letters away
2. put a chair in front of you and imagine your daughter is there. Start to read aloud the letter as if you are talking to her.

This will make you feel much better. Anyway, I'll be for you...

 

[Cat59]

Sandy-
I haven't got any instant solutions to offer, but my pm box is always open if you just want to talk or sound off or share anything
In the meantime, I'll keep you in my prayers
Cat

Kim- there is so much wisdom in your post- and for you too.

 

[Salsa_1960]

Thought I'd let you know that about a week and a half ago, I started going for long walks with my daughter. We walk about 3 miles a day. Yesterday, we walked 5.

There is a bike trail very close to our house. It's a decent length too. We walk daily to a convenience store that it goes by. I usually buy a small tootsie roll, a miniature Reeces, or some other small snack (nothing high in calories). Once in a while we splurge, but mostly get a 25¢ piece of candy (and those are not very big).

Yesterday, we went further and walked all the way to KMart and I bought her some school clothes. I don't drive so there is some practicality in all of this as it saves on bus fare. (Besides there are no busses on the weekends in this little town and it only runs until 4:45pm, so that doesn't give us much time on school days either). I also could stand to lose 10 or 15 pounds so that part of it is also good. Just about half an hour ago, my daughter was asking me if we could go for a walk to KMart again. I told her we could-- though I haven't the foggiest idea what we need to buy. (It's hard to make the long walk and not buy SOMETHING).

Ofcourse, the best part of this all is not that we are saving money on bus fare. It's not even the pounds that I'm hoping to lose. Saving money and exercise are great, but the best part is that we are having some "quality time" together. I plan on keeping this up until the weather gets too cold. (Probably December).

Not sure what we'll do over the winter.

 

[GreenEyedLady]

Sandy;

I am so glad you have MADE the time for your daughter. I know what you mean. I was also having a hard time with my children. I had to FORCE myself to spend that time with them. What we really need to do is put our grief aside and make the time for our children and thier grief and then deal with our grief later. That is what I have had to do. Don't get me wrong, I am not shoving or surpressing anything. I have dealt with losing my daughter, but I cannot let the effects of my losses make my childrens lives harder. Its not thier fault. I convinced myself that this was just a way the enemy wanted to tear apart my family even more. That motivated me real quick.
I take an herb mix called tryptoval.
http://www.totaldiscountvitamins.com/Merchant/slryframe.htm
This completly brought me out of my depression along with serious scripture reading and alot of prayer.
GEL

 

[isaiah5213]

i am hoping for an update w/the original poster, to see how it is going w/her grief, and her daughter??

sometimes, others tell you: get over it, get thru it, when the scriptures don't teach that.. the widows grieved for a year. when one had a loss, they wore burlap, shaved their heads, put ashes on their heads, wouldn't eat, tore their clothes, & sat outside the city gates w/other mourners, or homeless..

we all have our own griefs.. other posters are right when they say you have to practice being w/your daughter--even though it saddens you more sometimes.. she is at a very tenuous point in her life..

i will be praying for the both of you...