Can A Break Be Good?

[cutishorti14]

My guy and I decided to go on a break...It was a pretty mutual thing although I initiated it. After two days, I couldn't go on with out him so we talked etc but he said that it's too soon and he needs more space and a longer break.
Should I wait for him to contact me whenever he's ready or should I be the one to call him up first?
I mean I get that if he wants me and or wants to talk to me, he would call me himself. so I dont think he's waiting for me to call him up. But still..I'm thinking if I do nothing then he might think I gave up and moved on and that all the words I said before about me caring a lot about him, might mean nothing if I'm willing to let go so fast.

I want him to know I'm still his friend and even through his difficult times trying to figure himself out etc, I'm there for him and something like that wouldn't change my thinking about him but don't want to put any pressure on him.

He's young and needs to figure his life out, I understand that.. but I don't know if that means me completting backing off. I've been praying about it but I still don't feel on what the best decision is for me.
I really do want to try my best for him, whatever that may be. B

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I believe that in rare circumstances, a break can be warranted. I say "rare" because people toss around the word "break" rather casually, and I'll explain my problems with that here:

If a couple's answer to problems is to go apart, they will never have a healthy relationship and if they were to potentially get married, it would be a disaster. You have to understand that any long-term committed relationship, and any marriage, requires communication, compromise, love, respect, kindness, empathy, and numerous other things to be successful.

None of these things? Are done alone. Therefor, going on a "break" makes very little sense.

You need to learn to work on your problems together. A couple that breaks apart to deal with problems is going about it the wrong way. You have to do it together.

That being said, there are circumstances when two people should break apart and figure things out. One of those circumstances? Is exactly what you said above: If one person in the relationship feels they are ... too young, not ready, need to figure out their life, and so on, then this is a situation where they are not ready to be in a relationship.

Therefor, the break isn't about the "couple" -- the break is about an individual sorting out his or her life, and thus the break is warranted.

Before any "break" took place, I don't know why you guys didn't agree to a contact arrangement. That would have made the most sense. Now you are stuck wondering when you should contact him, or when he will contact you. If it's a break, and not a break-up, communication should continue and be ongoing.

Perhaps what you might do, is send him an email or message or other non-instant form of communication and just ask him what he'd like the contact arrangement to be. No harm in asking.

That being said... My suggestion to you is not to put your life on hold for him. The fact that you initiated it, but he is continuing it, leads me to believe he is potentially re-considering the future of the relationship. This is something you may want to try to accept now: That the relationship may not continue in the future.

 

[Luther073082]

I don't really see many situations in which it would be good for the relationship.

The best case senario that I see is that you are taking a break because the two of you are completly tired of eachother because you have been hanging on and clinging to eachother way too close. In that case the long term solution would be to stop being attached at the hip.

But I don't tend to see that as likely. Its kind of like a married couple seperating for a "little while". The seperation does not fix things.

 

[caterina9]

Wow all that is quite negative feedback... I have something good that you'll want to hear don't stress, taking a break can be a really good thing because it allows both of you to spend time alone reflecting. I know what it's like to feel a bit crowded, or like you need some personal space (there really isn't a 'nice' way to put it that doesn't evoke possible feelings of rejection), and recently my boyfriend of 17 months and I have been lessening the time we see each other. Not drastically, but just so we can keep up our other interests and friendships. What I've found is that we're happier as a couple because we aren't grumpy with each other when we're in a bad mood because we treasure our time together more how's it going now? Has he phoned you yet? I don't think there's anything wrong with sending him a text telling him you love him and (if you mean it) that you will support him in whatever he chooses to do.

 

[cutishorti14]

I believe that in rare circumstances, a break can be warranted. I say "rare" because people toss around the word "break" rather casually, and I'll explain my problems with that here:

I understand, but I guess I'm not ready to think that it's over forever. I do get that what we had before just wasn't really working bc I'm ready for more, want more, and expect more.. while he is not and isn't able to make himself give me more no matter how he feels about me. It's just wrong timing.

But also, what couple doesn't hve problems? As you said, maybe it's not having the problems thats important, as how you deal with them. We've always been good at dealing wtih thigns and coming to a mutual agreement, meeting each other in the middle.. but I think he's tired of me constantly telling him what he's doing wrong.. maybe he feels pressured and doesn't feel he can make his own choices ever without me putting him down, even if i dont' say much.

Perhaps the best thing I can come up with right now is:
I'm thinking Im going to respect the fact that he needs space and whatever..leave him alone till he wants to contact me and talk to me.. i trust him to make the best decision in this, wahtever it may be even if its' hard on me. Doesn't mean im sittng around waiting , but just that im living my life but my feelings for him arent changing.. if he's willing to try, then im up for it..

 

[pixiponk]

You don't have to answer this but, what are you having a break from? Im not sure i'm the person to advise on relationships just now but I have been observing lots of things. Some may help.
Try not to think of being in a relationship with someone as some sort of ownership. From either way.
Consider that it seems to be against our culture to say, express, demonstrate how we really feel and what we really think until we are backed into a corner. (especially for boys) I am not saying this is always the case. I think it is worth bareing in mind that your boyfriend may well be sitting around asking the same questions you have been. He may need some reassurance. Tell him how you feel. (You will need to be a bit brave) Talk it through with him if you can. Even if your both not sure how you are feeling, it may reveal itself as you consider each other in person.
Having space from someone you love does not have to be hurtful if it is done in love and done carfully. Time to make sure you are still being true to yourself is good. Shareing this stuff with someone who is not going to judge you is also good. (that takes trust)
Hope you win. Whatever it is you are trying. You'll get to where you are supposed to be if you continue praying and being open with God.

 

[Luther073082]

But also, what couple doesn't hve problems? As you said, maybe it's not having the problems thats important, as how you deal with them. We've always been good at dealing wtih thigns and coming to a mutual agreement, meeting each other in the middle.. but I think he's tired of me constantly telling him what he's doing wrong.. maybe he feels pressured and doesn't feel he can make his own choices ever without me putting him down, even if i dont' say much.

WHOA HOLD THE PHONE, BIG PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.

Your not his mother, he doesn't want a mother.

I don't need my girlfriend to tell me everything I am doing wrong and have done wrong in life because I have a mother that already tells me these things. Guys want girlfriends that build them up not ones that cut them down.

Are you significantly older then he is???

Second part, it sounds like you don't respect him either that or he doesn't feel like you respect him. At BEST you are acting like his mother, at worse you are engaging in a form of emotional/verbal abuse.

If you don't or can't treat him like he's an intelligent human being capable of making good decisions on his own then you shouldn't be with him. Either he's too immature for you or you just don't have respect for him. Either way its not good.

This post seems to indicate that you might have a lack of respect for him. And if thats the case then there is something seriously broken in your relationship.