Calling all critics!

[BornAgainBabe]

Hiya! I write from time to time just to let out emotions, not in a serious way at all. I normally write songs, but the other week I was writing and it came out as a poem, so let me know what you think please! Be brutal, I can take it!

You didn’t have to save me, Lord.
You didn’t have to cry
When you saw the mess I’d made
You could have passed me by.
You didn’t have to listen, Lord
When I called out your name
Said I could not withstand this pain
Could have left me here in shame

“How could I not save you, child?
How could I pass you by?
When I saw where your life was leading
I could not help but cry
For you my child are precious
I gave my life for you
All your shame is washed away
How could I not help you through?”

You didn’t have to save me, Lord
But you did not pass me by
I could never make it up to You
But I can only try
How could I not serve you, Lord,
When you have washed me clean?
How could I not live for you,
And embrace all that may mean.

“My blood bought child of grace, you know
Old things have passed away
You’re born-again, forgiven, saved
With mercies new each day.
I gave my life to save you
All I ask is a fair trade
You are free to serve me for
Your debts have now been paid”

 

[Godsgirl481]

Wow...i like it a lot....it songs like a really good song....i think it sounds more like a song than a poem

 

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

I liked it a lot too. The rhythm felt real nice and words didn't seem forced.

You asked for criticism, so I'll give you a small bit I guess. I think you could try to make the rhyming words more complex with each other... longer sylables, or try rhyming sounds rather than words. For instance something I had written just playing around in another thread..

"Dropped the nooses and, grasped the loose ends, tied a knot of community that make this world spin. Lend a helping hand even when their heaven has been labeled from different brands."

I tried to think of a better example but I am in sort of a rush tonight.. if that doesn't make sense I'll try to give a better example on Monday ---- WHEN I GET BACK FROM VEGAS! =)

 

[LunaLee]

I liked it a lot, too, and the only thing that stood out to me was in the first stanza, next to last line.

You didn’t have to save me, Lord.
You didn’t have to cry
When you saw the mess I’d made
You could have passed me by.
You didn’t have to listen, Lord
When I called out your name
Said I could not withstand this pain
Could have left me here in shame

If it were a song it wouldn't matter, but when you're reading instead of listening it's more prominent. The rest of the poem's in A, B, C, B form (the Bs rhyme, A and C don't) but the next-to-last line rhymes with the one before and the one after it, too, which throws you off. (wait . . . I've confused myself. . . lol)

ANYWAY, that little word was all I had to "criticize", the whole thing was awesome, so keep it up!

p.s. glad to see someone asking for criticism, it takes some courage to ask for your work to be picked apart

 

[onfire4Jesus]

Wow! That was great. Fantastic job! I agree with LunaLee about that first stanza, but other than that I thought it was great!