Broken...

[chris239]

I don't know why I came here. I just feel like this is a safe place to vent and get somethings off my chest. Maybe, read some words of encouragement...

I've made alot of bad choices in my life. The last one put me in prison for 5 years. It was for the best as it made me realize what was important to me. It made me determined and hungry for success. It turned me into a man. I've been out now for almost a year. I got out and hit the ground running. Had a basic job that same week. I worked very hard at that job and was rewarded. It turned into a position making $25 - $30 and hour. Everything was so good for the first 6 months.

Then I got a called from my father. He was in jail facing certain life in prison. This was tough but he made his choices. The charges are sickening and I find it hard to have remorse, but he is my father and the only one I have. I was able to handle this.

Then I got a call from my mother. Asking me if I had heard...my best friend of 31 years, literally my whole life, had passed away. He OD'ed in a gas station bathroom. I didn't take this news very well. His funeral was heartbreaking. Single father raising his daughter. My brother was gone. I maintained though and kept doing good.

A month later my mom I have to take my mother to the hospital. She was in pain. Long story short. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn't take long before I had to move in and take care of her. I took a leave from work with some savings I'd be fine. I watched my mom slowly die. I watched her suffer. I was with her 24/7. 2 months after we found out, she took her last breath in front of me.

I went back to work pretending like I was ok. Well, it didn't take long before I violated probation. It didn't take long before I lost my job. These last 6 months have been so hard and I couldn't see why I was spiraling out of control. Denial is such I dangerous thing. I can now see that mentally I am broken from the stresses I've hard to endure. I sit here now about to lose everything. I don't see anyway to stop it.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

I don't know why I came here. I just feel like this is a safe place to vent and get somethings off my chest. Maybe, read some words of encouragement...

I've made alot of bad choices in my life. The last one put me in prison for 5 years. It was for the best as it made me realize what was important to me. It made me determined and hungry for success. It turned me into a man. I've been out now for almost a year. I got out and hit the ground running. Had a basic job that same week. I worked very hard at that job and was rewarded. It turned into a position making $25 - $30 and hour. Everything was so good for the first 6 months.

Then I got a called from my father. He was in jail facing certain life in prison. This was tough but he made his choices. The charges are sickening and I find it hard to have remorse, but he is my father and the only one I have. I was able to handle this.

Then I got a call from my mother. Asking me if I had heard...my best friend of 31 years, literally my whole life, had passed away. He OD'ed in a gas station bathroom. I didn't take this news very well. His funeral was heartbreaking. Single father raising his daughter. My brother was gone. I maintained though and kept doing good.

A month later my mom I have to take my mother to the hospital. She was in pain. Long story short. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn't take long before I had to move in and take care of her. I took a leave from work with some savings I'd be fine. I watched my mom slowly die. I watched her suffer. I was with her 24/7. 2 months after we found out, she took her last breath in front of me.

I went back to work pretending like I was ok. Well, it didn't take long before I violated probation. It didn't take long before I lost my job. These last 6 months have been so hard and I couldn't see why I was spiraling out of control. Denial is such I dangerous thing. I can now see that mentally I am broken from the stresses I've hard to endure. I sit here now about to lose everything. I don't see anyway to stop it.

Welcome to the forums.

I read your post and got an encouraging thought "this could have been you, but it wasn't"in regards to all the death, you are still alive. Though sometimes what I find encouraging is morbid due to a hard period in my life.

Seeing a lot of death in a short period of time is not easy, especially for me.

I find when loss is at the door, sometimes letting go is a way of taking hold. I'm not sure what you mean by losing everything. But think back to the time you mentioned when you were forced to think of what was important to you. Even if you lose everything, you have illustrated to yourself, if you pick yourself back up and work really hard, you'll be rewarded for your hard work, some people don't have that.

I hope you find a place to rest your head.

 

[Sam91]

I'm so sorry for what your going through. You did well to turn things around. However, with the things you're dealing with and been through it is no wonder that you made bad choices.

What support is there for you, counselling, a pastor, grief charities? You have the choice in how to cope. You can control that in these difficult times. You can choose to make healthy decisions. (Hard times feel so turbulent and you can't always control circumstances but knowing something you can control or something to aim for can ease any anxiety)

I'm thinking of you.

(I've lost my partner to cancer and my brother to drugs in the last 3 years and live 100's miles away from the rest of my family. I have my comfort through Christ who strengthens me. I can still empathise which some of what you're going through though.)

 

[WESTOZZIE]

Hi Chris,
man, you have been through the wringer! Terrible to lose your dad to prison and then your bro and then your mum!! Yet as you said, they made their choices. You made a choice to come to a Christian Forum to vent all this stuff.
Chris I urge you to make the choice for Jesus Chris. Stop trying to do life on your own. Stop trying to be in control. Stop trying to be responsible. Allow Jesus to take the reins.
Talk to Jesus and tell Him you're sorry for living without Him. Ask Jesus to come into your heart and live there.
And ask Jesus to baptise you in the Holy Spirit so you will have power to walk with Him.

I bless you in Jesus name Chris!
Dennis Rhodes

 

[Sanoy]

These last 6 months have been so hard and I couldn't see why I was spiraling out of control. Denial is such I dangerous thing. I can now see that mentally I am broken from the stresses I've hard to endure. I sit here now about to lose everything. I don't see anyway to stop it.

Why does it always happen in threes. Life is not something we can navigate on our own. Our best laid plans can fail, and our supports can crumble. We know the things we want but never the things we needed until we find them. I have been through the "dark night of the soul". What I needed wasn't for it to be avoided, what I needed was the light to bear through it. Christ is that light. We are all sinners desperate for someone to look upon us and pull us out of the muck. As you fear that no one will look upon you well, your father fears the same about you. When we bare ourselves to Christ He looks upon us with forgiveness, and He will give it if we only ask it. But He also offers us a lamp upon our feet, and a path to walk if we will give our lives to Him.

 

[Eternum]

Denial is such I dangerous thing. I can now see that mentally I am broken from the stresses I've hard to endure. I sit here now about to lose everything. I don't see anyway to stop it.

The fact that you have been able to step through the denial and face this agony takes incredible strength that is not found in many people. It's ok that you slipped as long as you are still willing to get back up.

You are always welcome to talk to me about things if you need.

I have also lost my mom to cancer, and right now I have some very close adopted family who are finding out today what kind of lung cancer their mother has. Your whole story struck a chord with me, as I grew up in a rough neighborhood where most of the kids I went to school with are either dead or in prison. I would lay bets that the ones in prison did not learn the way you have.

I got out of it. You have too. neither of us got out unscathed, and life has still thrown things hard things at us. There's some quote on the edge of my memory about it, but it's basically the stronger you are, the more trouble you get. Something like that.

I have learned when a lot happens at once like what you've had, it's some freakish transition where new people are going to sweep into your life along with new changes. If you're open to those changes, which so far from what I've read you are, then "The greater our sorrow, the greater our capacity to feel joy."

I know you're not religious, but if you'll still give this video a few minutes of your time, there's some really good psychological and hopeful points in here outside of the religious aspects that I think you might still get a lot out of:

 

[Magillacuddy]

I don't know why I came here. I just feel like this is a safe place to vent and get somethings off my chest. Maybe, read some words of encouragement...

I've made alot of bad choices in my life. The last one put me in prison for 5 years. It was for the best as it made me realize what was important to me. It made me determined and hungry for success. It turned me into a man. I've been out now for almost a year. I got out and hit the ground running. Had a basic job that same week. I worked very hard at that job and was rewarded. It turned into a position making $25 - $30 and hour. Everything was so good for the first 6 months.

Then I got a called from my father. He was in jail facing certain life in prison. This was tough but he made his choices. The charges are sickening and I find it hard to have remorse, but he is my father and the only one I have. I was able to handle this.

Then I got a call from my mother. Asking me if I had heard...my best friend of 31 years, literally my whole life, had passed away. He OD'ed in a gas station bathroom. I didn't take this news very well. His funeral was heartbreaking. Single father raising his daughter. My brother was gone. I maintained though and kept doing good.

A month later my mom I have to take my mother to the hospital. She was in pain. Long story short. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn't take long before I had to move in and take care of her. I took a leave from work with some savings I'd be fine. I watched my mom slowly die. I watched her suffer. I was with her 24/7. 2 months after we found out, she took her last breath in front of me.

I went back to work pretending like I was ok. Well, it didn't take long before I violated probation. It didn't take long before I lost my job. These last 6 months have been so hard and I couldn't see why I was spiraling out of control. Denial is such I dangerous thing. I can now see that mentally I am broken from the stresses I've hard to endure. I sit here now about to lose everything. I don't see anyway to stop it.

Hang in there brother. I know its hard. Keep looking up for your answer. It may not be your perfect answer, but it will come. Keep in the word, keep praying, keep seeking His face.

 

[Temirlan]

I don't know why I came here. I just feel like this is a safe place to vent and get somethings off my chest. Maybe, read some words of encouragement...

I've made alot of bad choices in my life. The last one put me in prison for 5 years. It was for the best as it made me realize what was important to me. It made me determined and hungry for success. It turned me into a man. I've been out now for almost a year. I got out and hit the ground running. Had a basic job that same week. I worked very hard at that job and was rewarded. It turned into a position making $25 - $30 and hour. Everything was so good for the first 6 months.

Then I got a called from my father. He was in jail facing certain life in prison. This was tough but he made his choices. The charges are sickening and I find it hard to have remorse, but he is my father and the only one I have. I was able to handle this.

Then I got a call from my mother. Asking me if I had heard...my best friend of 31 years, literally my whole life, had passed away. He OD'ed in a gas station bathroom. I didn't take this news very well. His funeral was heartbreaking. Single father raising his daughter. My brother was gone. I maintained though and kept doing good.

A month later my mom I have to take my mother to the hospital. She was in pain. Long story short. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. It didn't take long before I had to move in and take care of her. I took a leave from work with some savings I'd be fine. I watched my mom slowly die. I watched her suffer. I was with her 24/7. 2 months after we found out, she took her last breath in front of me.

I went back to work pretending like I was ok. Well, it didn't take long before I violated probation. It didn't take long before I lost my job. These last 6 months have been so hard and I couldn't see why I was spiraling out of control. Denial is such I dangerous thing. I can now see that mentally I am broken from the stresses I've hard to endure. I sit here now about to lose everything. I don't see anyway to stop it.

Brother, you'll get through it. Little steps at a time. I hear you, I feel your pain and suffering. You'll come out of it. Stay strong brother, stay strong. Treat every morning as a new life, as a new opportunity for a small, but tangible change. Step by step, you'll climb the latter out of your current fall. I'm with you, bro. You can do it. I know you can!!!