Broken

[Christian_Follower]

To be completely honest, I don't even know why I am here. Two nights ago I could have told you why, but even so here I am.

Though things aren't perfect (and never will be) marriage is great. I was blessed to find a wife who pledged to wait till marriage like myself and that is shocking today.

Anyway, when it comes to intimacy there is lack of. Even without the sex and just kisses hugs and the i love you's, i initiate it all.... I am tired and broken.. I love her but thinking of giving up in the bedroom... I went two yrs without after our girl was born and shes 7now... and maybe now its once every 5-6 months....

Signed
Broken and lonely

 

[faroukfarouk]

To be completely honest, I don't even know why I am here. Two nights ago I could have told you why, but even so here I am.

Though things aren't perfect (and never will be) marriage is great. I was blessed to find a wife who pledged to wait till marriage like myself and that is shocking today.

Anyway, when it comes to intimacy there is lack of. Even without the sex and just kisses hugs and the i love you's, i initiate it all.... I am tired and broken.. I love her but thinking of giving up in the bedroom... I went two yrs without after our girl was born and shes 7now... and maybe now its once every 5-6 months....

Signed
Broken and lonely

Hi; do you read the Bible and prayer with your family?

 

[tampasteve]

I will give the same advice that I give most people on the married forum: prayer and a Christian Marriage and Family Counselor. Having a third party that is Christian and a professional helps take a discussion that could either be ignored, brushed off, or turn contentious stay on track and generally help to resolve issues in an equitable and professional manner. This is likely something that could be resolved in one or two sessions that would set you up with a plan on how to improve your bedroom lives together.

 

[Christian_Follower]

We pray, we always discuss the Bible... Like i said, the only issue is intimacy... Everything else is fine... We both love each other, and the kids... We teach them the Bible and have since a young age....

Anyway, thanks for the prayers☺

 

[Christian_Follower]

Thank you kindled

 

[*LILAC]

OK, 2 years without after the birth of your daughter? That is rather extreme. Does she have health issues? Has she been to a doctor to get her hormonal levels check?

 

[Christian_Follower]

No i don't believe she's been to the doctor and I'm sure you're right about hormone level....

Again, its not at all,but still... Feeling alone and ready to give up (not on marriage) but, well you know

 

[*LILAC]

Are you taking her out? Leaving the kids with a sitter? Reconnecting at all?

 

[Christian_Follower]

lol, sorry to laugh, but this is not something she would do... trust me.... i know.... even leaving them with her parents turns out for us to be work around the house to get a lot accomplished before they come home... eating out, going to movies, going to town, Nothing.... she just don't like going out and I try all the time to make her know she is special.... back (head, neck) massages (and I mean deep tissue) to get out all the knots, sometimes spending 2 hrs....

 

[Dave-W]

OK, 2 years without after the birth of your daughter? That is rather extreme. Does she have health issues? Has she been to a doctor to get her hormonal levels check?

Does not seem extreme to me.
Sounds not too far off of normal.

And it may have nothing to do with hormones.

 

[*LILAC]

Does not seem extreme to me.
Sounds not too far off of normal.

And it may have nothing to do with hormones.

Actually, alot has to do with hormones. If they're way off she simply won't feel any urges. Especially if her thyroid is wonky. Either that or it's just sheer laziness.

 

[Dave-W]

Actually, alot has to do with hormones. If they're way off she simply won't feel any urges. Especially if her thyroid is wonky. Either that or it's just sheer laziness.

Abuse issues and bad teaching as a youth can do that as well.

My wife found out as a youn teen that anger killed the urges. So any time she felt that, she would find something, anything to get angry about. By the time we got married it was on autopilot. She hated it but allowed it for a while to get pregnant.

 

[OK Jeff]

One thing comes to mind is priorities. I have read, and heard good sermons about this. It seems counterintuitive but the marriage must be prioritized above the children. The marriage is right (in every aspect), all below it will fall into place.
God
Marriage
Children
Other people
Work
It should look something like this. As stated above, a good Christian counselor (mediator) should be able to help with this.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

How many kids? What are their ages? Does she work full time/part time?

 

[Darkhorse]

Does not seem extreme to me.
Sounds not too far off of normal.

And it may have nothing to do with hormones.

This is NOT normal...

It might be (too) common, but this isn't how married people are supposed to act.

Counseling is essential.

Hormones, past abuse, and feelings about sex being wrong (even for married people) must be considered, as well as other possibilities (depression, etc.).

Don't wait any longer...

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Normal is an unprovable, subjective, intangible standard that’s always in flux. Dude shouldn’t worry about what’s “normal” since there’s really no such thing. He should focus on identifying the problem, what needs to happen for him to feel the problem is solved, figuring out a measure by which to determine progress, and a plan to get from A to B while hitting those progress points.

 

[Christian_Follower]

How many kids? What are their ages? Does she work full time/part time?

We have two kids (11him & 7her)
My wife is a full time worker (home school mom)

To a comment earlier (not from you tropical) counseling is not what we need. Just need to understand...

Look, this is the only issue we really have. We love each other and talk together. When it comes to intimacy, that is where I feel broken in spirit. I am not demanding, my idea of it is not Hollywood or pornographic, I do not engage in M (please fill in the blank)

Anyway.... God is still good

 

[Dave-W]

I do not engage in M (please fill in the blank)

If this goes on for an extended period, then perhaps you SHOULD do that.

I was in a similar situation that has gone on for decades and now I have really bad prostate issues.

That could have been avoided with frequent emptying of the prostate via "M." But my wife forbade such action.

Or - if you guys really talk as you say you do - ask her to "give you a hand..." on a regular basis.

 

[*LILAC]

Maybe check into sex therapy?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

We have two kids (11him & 7her)
My wife is a full time worker (home school mom)

So one thing that could be a factor is that she said plain exhausted. For me, one thing I have noticed is that I get so, so drained that actions he does to try and make me feel more loved, relaxed, and pampered than normal, for me, cover my own baseline needs for affection.

For lack of a better comparison (because I despise this analogy), we have 3 kids and he works nights, so I was a pitcher of water, I pour until I’m empty by his first day off. He comes in with his leg massages and lets me pick the movie for the night and he makes dinner, and that goes to refilling me from empty. Meanwhile, be didn’t realize my pitcher was that empty and he thought he was adding enough water to make it overflow because he was going above and beyond. When he understood out how depleted my pitcher got by his first day off, he had an easier time understanding when and what and how to give me extra.

There could be other things at play too... Depression, for one. Or co-conditions, like feeling isolated and lonely.

To a comment earlier (not from you tropical) counseling is not what we need. Just need to understand...

So I’m not telling you your business, but I’m one of those folks who thinks that no marriage, even the best ones, couldn’t come away with something useful from a good therapist. And, TBH, your post above scared me a bit. If you’re at a point where you’re worried about considering extremes to yourself or others, help might be uncomfortable to ask for but oh-so-needed.

Look, this is the only issue we really have. We love each other and talk together. When it comes to intimacy, that is where I feel broken in spirit. I am not demanding, my idea of it is not Hollywood or pornographic, I do not engage in M (please fill in the blank).

Maybe you should give it a second thought... I’m not sure if there was nothing happening in that department, I could maintain that personal restriction and not feel... Crabby.