Broken Home advice please!

[cazza]

Hi everyone,


I am going through a separation at the moment and wondered if anyone had some helpful advice on how to make it as smooth as possible with my 2 kids. My son is 4 (5 in July) and my daughter is 2 (3 in July).

I am moving with the kids, not far from their father, but as you can imagine it is a very sad time for everyone.

 

[psychoceramic]

As a father whose daughter was ripped from him before she was born and then again a year later (after three months of being her dad) and who in the past year has had numerous attempts to have her taken from me again (the mother always backs down or comes back, her mom treat her like property and has custody but this is another story) all i can say that will help with the situation... is that unless the kids are being abused or mistreated or harmed in any way.... allow them all the time they can have with the father. the bond is very special at this age and the kids must be allowed to make that bond with their dad.

Let them call and talk to him anytime they need to.... and just let him be the dad. don't give up all your time with the kids.. but truly give him time as he can get it......

Most of all pray with them and pray for their father and for you marriage (if that is what you feel GOD wants) and ask him to do the same while he has them.

Will you two be sharing custody? does he want to be around them?

 

[cazza]

Let them call and talk to him anytime they need to.... and just let him be the dad. don't give up all your time with the kids.. but truly give him time as he can get it......

Most of all pray with them and pray for their father and for you marriage (if that is what you feel GOD wants) and ask him to do the same while he has them.

Will you two be sharing custody? does he want to be around them?

He will be having them every Tuesday night and every second weekend. I have told both of them that they can talk/see him any time! I love my Husband and have emense respect for him. I know it is important to maintain a strong role model in their father, while I am extremely hurt that we are separating I will not belittle their father or speak ill of him. I just hope he does the same. (it was his infidelity and his decision to end our marriage by the way)

I live in hope and trust in the Lord that he will heal this situation.

 

[jwebhead]

I am in a similar situation. When I moved out we moved 2500 miles away. The boys are 6 and 3. I have told them they can call there Dad whenever they want, but I don't think they really understood so I spoke with their Dad and agreed that he would call them everyday at a certain time. Sometimes the boys are very chatty and other days not so much, but at this age I think they need to have the parent initiate the contact so they know they are still loved very much. I have not and do not plan to ever come between the boys and their Dad talking or seeing eachother. Although we are far apart they see him about every 6 weeks for a long weekend or longer.

For me and things I have read regarding kids in these situations, they feel if the parent really loved and wanted them, the parent would be around them without having to ask. Now I realize with the ages we are dealing with they probably cannot articulate this but in years to come bitterness and resentment can (I am not saying it will, but can) set in.

 

[cazza]

Thanks jwebhead

I think you are right, my husband should be actively contacting the kids every day. I'll try to arrange it. If this doesn't happen, how can I explain it to the kids so they don't feel it's their fault?

 

[jwebhead]

Only from my experience and the way my boys are I just focus on telling them that there Dad loves them and we include him in our prayers we say each night. If I were to try and explain that is not there fault or what have you, I worry I could be planting a 'seed' for them, especially the oldest, to later think,"why would Mom say it wasn't my fault? Maybe it is my fault." Does that make sence?

Thankfully I have been blessed and the boys have not asked to often "why" Mommy and Daddy are not together. The few times it has occured I just tell them that it is a "Mommy and Daddy problem". I tell the oldest that all he has to do at his age is play and do well in school and love Jesus. I tell him that Mommy and Daddy can handle it and we are relying on the Lord to help us, but he is not to worry or fret. I love him and his Daddy loves him lots too.

The biggest key is not to try and force or convince your husband to do something he does not feel like doing. Do not be upset with him if he doesn't agree to this. All you can control is yourself and as hard as it is at times, one day the children will see that and remeber how well Mom held her head up and how composed she was. If your husband does not think this is a good idea then just let it go and whenever the children bring it up or ask, honestly tell them that you do not know. The need to ask their Dad. He has to be responsible for his actions and you should not cover for him.

I hope that helps a bit.