broken down

[RestoredbyGrace]

I really dont know what to do anymore. I need christian advice. I had a good christian friend who my wife and i were both talking to but now because of the last talk he had with both of us he wont call me back anymore. I am seperated with her again. And I only say again because it has happened so much. I never tried to seperate. I always stuck. Dont get me wrong i made a lot of mistakes. More than i could count but i always had the best of intentions. Last night i had the worst dream of my life. I dreamed that she seperated again from me and was trying to get back with her ex. I spent the entire dream trying to convince her that we belonged together. It sucked because that is what i spent a lot of the relationship doing. But last night i felt that totally helpless feeling and it was just a nightmare. I cannot tell you how it feels to feel so totally helpless about someone and watch them leave. It is cripling. The last time we had talked i finally reached my threshold. I honestly dont know what to do anymore. I do love her so much. But she isnt in love with me. I mean everytime she left, i stayed home and did nothing. I didnt move on. I didnt live me life. And all it did for me is hurt me. I say this simply cuz yea i got her back but if only for a couple of months. I keep praying to God, heck ive even become a better person in the process and studied her notes on everything she needs. All i know is i guess im so scared. Will she leave again. Will her mom, no matter how much i try to win her over, continue to turn on me. Will i ever see that compassion? I lost my job and now she is gone too. Why do i seem to wait around for punishment. Why does this all feel too familliar. Dont misunderstand me, she is a great person. But, i dont know if i have anything else left in me to be strong. I think ive gone through enough to deserve a wife that stands by me. All i dreamed of when i was little and growing up was to get married, love my wife, have a family, and grow old. But i spent more time away from my wife than with her. Im not trying to rant but now my christian friends wont even talk to me cuz of this situation. I guess i just feel like everything i say or do is blown up on. I want so much to love my wife and have her stand by me but now its different. Something is changing. And i dont understand??????? I feel like screaming I DONT UNDERSTAND?????? Was i not there by you for the hard times???? Did i not give you so much of what you asked for???? All i know is after that dream last night it was the EXACT definition of how i felt everytime she left. Helpless. And i dont want to feel like that anymore. I feel like i shouldnt even talk to her simply cuz im afraid to talk to her or her mom. Im not at all trying to sound like the victim. Ive said some pretty mean things too. I guess im just feeling like why sit around at home and do the same things that broke my heart the last times. Any advice helps cuz im honestly at my wits end. The only reason i write this is because after this dream, ive had it. I need peace and love.

 

[ribenaberry]

It really sucks that you're friends won't talk to you about this. When my husband left me that was one of the things I feared the most - I thought that they would judge me for his decision. If you feel you've done everything you can do, then by definition that's all you can do. Trust in God that he can and will giude you through this. I spent a long time feeling utterly helpless and stranded when thigns started going wrong with my husband. I honestly believe I did everything I could to try to make it work and he was having none of it, because for him it was easier to leave than to stay and work through our problems. Despite the fact that I was convinced he was seeing someone else, I'd have done anything in the world to have him back. But loving someone should be about sharing your passions, not sacrificing them. I'm not saying you shouldn't be prepared to give things up and do things for her, but she should be prepared to do the same - it's meant to be a two-way thing.

At the time my husband left me I was having real problems at work - I just couldn't get anything to go right, and there were days when I felt like I could barely hold myself together. Some days I'd spend the entire day feeling kind of like I was hanging off the edge of a cliff and literally only holding on by my fingernails. But then one afternoon God changed everything, because I had this sense that they were his fingernails not mine. I'm not sayign everything instantly became easy, but God taught (and is still teaching) me a lot about what it is to truly rely on him, and I've found the peace that I never thought I'd have.

The only advice I can give you is spend as much time with God as possible, and he'll show you more than you can imagine. He can bring you through anything and he will as long as you trust him. There's something really liberating about putting yourself completely in his hands knowing that he'll provide everything you could ever need for any situation you'll ever face. Sorry if this sounds preachy; it's not intended to, this is just what I've found from my own experience. The more time you're spending seeking God's heart, the less time you'll spend wondering what it is you should do about the situation with your wife, because he'll tell you the things you need to know.

Psalm 73:26 "God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

Please PM me if there's anything I can do to help/pray about for you.