broken and confused

[Laura3491]

I don't think I've ever been so disgusted with myself as I am now. This past year I feel like I've turned into this non-human parasite and it scares me.

My entire life I have always been very close to my dad. He loved me and would drop everything to help, but he never really disciplined me. He would never stand up to me when I pushed him around. And I took advantage of that. Alot.

My dad was a lawyer and he very rarely would charge his clients. So my mom supported the family as a teacher. When we were really struggling my mom would physically and mentally abuse my dad for not making money, and it really killed his self-confidence. He liked having respect from his clients for his free work. Eventually he got a job teaching high school Latin.

When I was a sophomore in high school my dad found out he had colon cancer, stage IV. He had surgery and he had to live with a colostomy bag. This was very humiliating for my dad. Everyone was saying "why didn't he get that taken care of earlier?" Well, by dad couldn't buy health insurance because he never charged his clients. But he couldn't tell anyone that.

Junior year my dad's cancer came back and spread to the liver. He had surgery and kemo therapy to treat it. During all of this, I never followed what was going on with my dad. I never told my friends anything.

Whenever I got mad at my dad for picking me up from school late or forgetting to do things, I'd hit my dad hard and tell him that I hated him and hoped he'd die. When I looked at my dad I could tell that it crushed him inside. He was living with so much pain. He never ate and his body was emancipated.

Then last summer my dad went to the emergency room in the middle of the night. The doctor said that he had cancer in his lungs and that they were slowly filling with fluid. When my dad talked it sounded like he was gargling water.

His body was too weak to take any more treatments. My dad died on August 2 2009.

I didn't find out until later on that day. He was taken to a funeral home a few blocks from my house. I saw my dad in this blue plastic carrying case. I just stayed there for about an hour, trying to believe it I guess.

My memories of the wake, funeral, and burial are a complete blur.

I coped with this loss in a really bad way. I started stealing random stuff from stores and I got a rush out of it. At first it was like nail polish, gum, and candy. It would make me feel happy for a while, it distracted me from everything that was making me depressed.

Then I started to steal more expensive stuff like clothes and makeup. I'd steal shirts and dresses and I would feel happy for a while. Getting away with it gave me a rush and I felt like I was getting back at the world for everything that happened to me this year. It was like a mental addiction.

But a few weeks ago I finally got caught stealing $70 worth of makeup. That day scared me out of my mind and it still does. They took me to a police station and finger printed me and everything. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed by what I did I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

The only people who know are my sister and my guidance counselor and my dad's best friend. He's a lawyer but he can't help me b/c he lives too far away. I still haven't even told my mom. She's been emotionally unstable since my dad died and I don't think she could handle it. I have to go to court in a few weeks and I am so scared.

There's no way I can describe how much I hate what I have become. I graduate soon and I already have a criminal record. I feel disgusted with myself because of this and I feel I really don't have any future now. It hurts so much because it's true. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for letting myself evolve into this.

I don't know why I wrote all this. All I know is that I am a serious mess and I need help. I don't know what to do. There's never been a time when I felt as lost and confused as I do now.

 

[b&wpac4]

It sounds like you need professional help in order to work through your issues. These problems do not tend to go away on their own. Since you mentioned a guidance counselor, perhaps you could ask for a recommendation for a good doctor that could help you with this problem.

I hope the best for you.

 

[aiki]

As a Christian, my recommendation to you is that you submit yourself to the One who made you and allow Him to control the course of your life. He knows better than anyone else - even you - why you exist and how best to fulfill the purpose for which you were made. So far, you've made a wretched mess of your life. But, God is in the business of cleaning up the terrible messes we make and using those messes to bring good things to pass in our lives.

There is a first step that all who would walk with God must take. It is the step that brings one into fellowship with God. Before this step can be taken, however, one must understand why the step needs to be taken and what it means to take it. Still interested?

The fact is, your life illustrates the biblical truth that "all have sinned and come short of God's glory." The good thing about this is that you appear to know it. God says that because all of us sin, we all stand under His condemnation and wrath. You see, God is holy, perfectly holy. There is no darkness, no sin, no evil in God. The Bible says, "God is light and in Him is no darkness at all." This is a serious problem for us because such a holy God cannot accept sin. How do we connect with God, then? How do we escape His condemnation? Obviously, we have to be holy as God is holy. But how do we do that? As your life and the life of every other person demonstrates, sin is the natural tendency of human beings. None of us can be holy enough for God. So, what's to be done?

The answer is that we need God's help. Only He can make us holy enough to fellowship with Him. We are too steeped in sin to be able to do anything for ourselves. Thankfully, God is merciful and loving, as well as holy and just, and He has responded to our dilemma by making a way by which we can be made holy and brought into fellowship with Him. This "way" is actually a person: Jesus Christ. You still with me?

The way that Christ bridged the gap between sinful people and a holy God was to sacrifice himself as a payment for our sin. As a sinless God-man, Christ was able to pay for sin "once for all." He was the perfect sacrifice that God required as an atonement for our evil. You see, right from the beginning God had set a law in place that the "wages of sin is death." He had also ordained as the Creator that sin could only be atoned for by the shedding of blood. "Without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin," the Bible says. God held Himself to His own laws and paid the price for our sins that we could not pay for ourselves. He made His Son to be "sin for us who knew no sin." A little over 2000 years ago, Jesus was beaten, and crucified, and died so that you and I might be adopted by God as His children.

We know that Jesus was the Son of God and that he paid the price for us as the Bible says because three days after he died and was laid to rest in a tomb, he rose from the dead! The Bible tells us that now Christ is seated at God's right hand "making intercession" for fallen humanity. Jesus didn't stay in the ground, just another dead guy with delusions of godhood, but lives as the Lord and Saviour of all who call upon him to be saved.

Well, you might think, "So what?" How does all this stuff I've just told you have anything to do with your situation? How does it help you? Let me explain how. If you want to live the best life you can live, the life you were created to live, you will need to know the One who created you and His will for your life. You cannot know Him, however, until you have accepted that you are a sinner in need of the Saviour. Your sin bars the way between you and God, and the only way that that sin can be removed is by accepting by faith that Jesus' death on the cross paid for it in full. But in order to accept this you must first agree that you are a sinner and that you need to be saved from the consequences of your sin. Do you see how all this fits together?

I'll halt at this point so that you can ask questions, if you have any, or maybe so that you can tell me to shut up. Either way, I'll wait on a response from you before I continue.

I hope and pray what I've written to you may help you. I believe with all my heart that it can.

Peace.

 

[Laura3491]

Aiki thank you for responding!!

Really, to be honest I have been an atheist since my dad has passed away. When I found out my dad was really going to die, I became all logical and very stiff about it. My family was actually worried about me b/c I didn't seem bothered by it all.

Being an atheist is so hard sometimes, I feel so lonely. You have no idea. I've been skipping church for months now. I tell my family I went to the early service and they buy it.

But I can't believe in god. Atheism makes sense in a painfully real way... do you know what I mean? I've never *seen* god and I've never experienced his presence in a concrete way. Which really hurts actually. I love the idea of god, but my logic and rationality get in the way.

Now I've switched to agnosticism because since I can't disprove god... I can't rule him out? But why would god want us to constantly guess if he exists or not? That's how I see it. If god is real than why does god not show himself?

I'm going to therapy now, which me alot emotionally.

Something happened today that just killed me. My friend gave me a ride home from school today, and I ended up telling her everything that happened to me.

Then she said "I've been praying for you to open up because I saw you get arrested." That just made me cry. people should be praying for me! I deserve what happened to me and I just wish I knew how to fix me. I can't believe she said that...

My guidance counselor (who has been SO emotionally helpful to me) said that she was praying for me. I'm very moved by that. I appreciate that even though I doubt that prayer is real.

But thank you for reading all of this and helping me by responding.. My dad was very spiritual and would hate to see me live in doubt like I am now. My dad was very open-minded and would want me to be too. But it's hard.

I just want to heal from the harm I've caused others around me and myself.

Thank you everybody for responding!

 

[aiki]

Really, to be honest I have been an atheist since my dad has passed away. When I found out my dad was really going to die, I became all logical and very stiff about it. My family was actually worried about me b/c I didn't seem bothered by it all.

This sounds like you're simply trying to distance yourself emotionally from the pain of your Dad's passing. I think this is a fairly common response to death and dying.

But I can't believe in god. Atheism makes sense in a painfully real way... do you know what I mean? I've never *seen* god and I've never experienced his presence in a concrete way. Which really hurts actually. I love the idea of god, but my logic and rationality get in the way.

Well, let me test your logic and rationality a little bit. Tell me, how did everything come into being? Did it just pop into existence out of nothing? Does anything science tells us about the material universe indicate that this happens or could happen? Why is the impossible idea that something could come from nothing, which is what you must believe as an atheist/agnostic, more rational to you than the idea that everything came from Something, namely, God?

Have you ever experienced integrity in a concrete way? Can you smell it, or taste it, or touch it? How about courage, or love? Can you put these things in a test tube and experiment on them? Obviously not, yet, we know these things exist. If you can accept that these immaterial things exist, what's the problem with accepting that God exists?

Now I've switched to agnosticism because since I can't disprove god... I can't rule him out? But why would god want us to constantly guess if he exists or not? That's how I see it. If god is real than why does god not show himself?

God doesn't want you to constantly guess if He exists or not. That's why He "became flesh and dwelt among us" in the person of Christ. Jesus performed countless miracles, healing the lame, sick, blind and possessed, and finally rising from the dead as proof of his divine nature. None of these things he did "in a corner" or in such a way as to require that we simply take his word for it that he was who he said he was and did what he said he did. No, God in the person of Christ entered human history, preached the kingdom of God to all who would listen, openly demonstrated his divine power and the world has never been the same.

I experience God every day. He is my constant companion and Guide through all of my life. He answers my prayers specifically and often immediately; He comforts my heart when I hurt; He illuminates my mind and heart to His wisdom found in His Word; He is an immoveable Rock upon which I can stand when the seas of life grow stormy; He is a convicting and purifying force in my life, as well. No, God is not absent; I spoke with Him this morning.

I deserve what happened to me and I just wish I knew how to fix me.

Why not let the One who made you, fix you? I know He can do so better than anyone or anything else. You can only produce more of you; but God can make you more like Himself. It seems a no-brainer to me which would be more preferable...

But thank you for reading all of this and helping me by responding..

You're welcome!

I just want to heal from the harm I've caused others around me and myself.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Peace.

 

[locokrazy]

Hello Laura,

I had an experience close you ours when i was about your age. The person wasn't my father but my grandfather and his passing was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I turned from god and fell into a deep dark well that i didn't emerge from for years.

well i had a quote by quote answer to your last post but it seems my computer ate it so ill write out something different..

Don't just turn your heart from god just because it seems that he isn't there. by your own admittance your friend said she prayed for you and it seems that her pray was being answered. your Guidance counselor also seems to care a great deal for you as well.

Dont worry so much about the mistakes that you have made. remember that we are all sinners falling short of the glory of god. Paul was a man who tried to wipe out the christians before jesus changed his life on the road to Damascus. moses was a murderer, jacob lied cheated and stole, heck king david commited adultery murder and more then i feel like posting at the moment! god calls us all at one point or another no matter who bad we have been. dont let something petty get between you and god.

Ill give you a test that a friend suggested to me after my lifes search had come up empty. Find a wooded area where you can be alone. sit under a tree and just talk. say everything that your thinking, feeling, and wanting. let him know your feelings after your fathers passing. tell him everything you think about, challange him to open your heart and mind. then when your finished sit and listen look and feel. if you are lucky you will feel his presance, see what he is doing for you and greatest of all hear something that will give you peace.

god bless my friend and know that i also as soon as i hit the send button will pray for you

 

[With Love Sherri]

Hey there, I guess I can relate just a little to what you have shared. My husband's dad passed away a few years ago, when he was around 21. Before that, he was such a bad kid and so horrible to his parents... stealing theirs cars, crashing, and just messing things up. His parents were divorced and he was pretty angry with them for it. He finds it hard to talk about his dad and I know little about him, but I can feel the pain surrounding the subject. When his dad died, he said he felt so angry God he wanted nothing to do with him. I think to this day he's only cried like once or twice for him... His dad's death really changed his life. He swore to turn it around and make his dad proud. He joined the army, became a nurse, married me, and now we're living life and moving to Germany. My husband ultimately came to reconciliation with God. God was not to blame; death is part of life. Today he's changed so much and were both working on our spiritual relationship with God together. My point in all this, is that no matter how much you hurt, or curse God out, or on the other end, even "unemotionally and intellectually deny his presence", He still is there and he still loves you. I personally, I've never felt any paralyzing touch of God, or visions, or warm presence next to me... few people do. But every now and then, I'll be thinking of God just talking to Him, and I'll get this butterfly feeling in my heart. Almost like a baby kicking in a woman's tummy you know. And I just know he's there. Because you've never felt him, doesn't mean you won't. Sometimes all that's needed is letting go and waiting. Have you ever just layed in bed and talked to God? Sometimes that's all it takes to feel it, that something special in you that you know is him stirring. I'm a firm believer in if you seek Him, you will find Him. But it's not always quick or easy. Just let go sometime and open up and see what happens.

I am sorry for your loss, and it's a pain that will never really go away... My husband still has so much regret with his dad, he prays all the time that he hopes his dad can see him and he's proud of him. And I know he is. I will pray for you, I hope you find peace and happiness.

 

[ellie'sforjesus]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you are having a hard time dealing with what happened due to the fact that you were mean to your father. Please do not beat yourself up over it. Child of God, you are forgiven, and I am pretty sure your father would have forgiven you too, and it sounds like your father was a loving soul, so I am pretty sure that your father loved you no matter what you did. It's time to move forward from this and realize that your father is in heaven with God. And if you are a believer as well, you will see him again. It sounds like you were reaching for something with all of your stealing episodes and you finally got caught. You can look at it this way, now it's time to change your life around for the better. Do something that would make your father proud of you. Start a foundation or something, or start a group for those that have lost their fathers too. Do something positive for your fathers name. I don't believe you are either athiest or agnostic or you would not realize the things you have done are wrong. I think you are a young person trying to live in a corrupt world and have chosen some wrong paths in life. Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself up and realize you are forgiven and move on and make something positive of your life. You can do it...

 

[BlueLady]

*gives a gentle hug*

We each have different ways of coping and dealing with things, maybe you did the best you could at the time?

Perhaps you could write your dad a letter? Say how much you loved him and are sorry for the way you acted? REad it outloud or post it at where he is buried?

 

[Xyster]

Well Hello.. I too am an Atheist and PROUD of it. It is unfortunate what happend to your dad .. but that is life and stuff happens.. Just as you would exspect if it was (and is) a universe in wich random crap happens.. But deep down you loved him and he loved you and you both knew it.. teenagers act out its a part of growing up. But if you need someone to talk to send me a message.... Keep your chin up drive on even the hurt over the death of a loved one fades over time. Remember the good times forgive the bad and live your life to the fullest. Anything you accomplish GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT.. not some imaginary sky daddy...