Breaking........ (very long)

[Jenna]

There isn't a thing that written that I haven't expressed to him time and again. It doesn't matter if I cry, beg, scream, or speak calmly. It's as though my words go in one ear, and right out the other. He doesn't hear me when I talk to him, just like he chooses not to hear me when he is physically hurting me during sex. For one reason or another, he blocks me out. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say any more than he wants to listen to what the Word of God has to say about the way he treats me. From time to time he will seem repentant and will try to change for a week or two. When it wears on him, then he swings to the opposite extreme, being downright cruel.

I know that my husband is a good man at heart. I know that he really wants what is best for me. However, there are times when I do not know him. I can look in his face, and there is a stranger looking back at me, not giving a damn about me. It's similar to when he loses his temper and all hell breaks loose. When he is angry like that, all I can do is find a place to get away from him, not that I worry that he would hurt me too bad physically, but because it scares the hell out of me when I can't see him in there.

I know that I'm depressed right now. *nods* I could feel it as soon as it came on, and I've been struggling to see clearly through it since. I was fine right up until the time that he tried to rip my shirt out of my hands. When I snapped, something went wrong. I don't handle being treated roughly very well since I was knocked around quite a bit as a child, and beat senseless as a teenager. As soon as my husband is rough with me, wether it be to fight with me to get a piece of clothing off, or to make the mistake of slaping me, it triggers something unpleasant.

I'll admit that I'm not thinking straight. I'll tell ya, there are times when I want him to be healed, and times like this, when I'm not sure that I care. I prefer to be wallowing in sadness, because at least then I'm not bristling with rage. The thoughts that I've had are not healthy for either one of us, and I don't know who I am trying to protect more by separating myself from him and the situation right now. I'm afraid that if he pushes me, I might actually lash out at him. There is a part of me that wants him to hurt desperately for every time that he hurts me. I wanted to hurt him when tried to get my shirt off against my will. I wanted to hurt him real bad. Sometimes I just shake with it, and I can't sleep at night because I seeth with anger. It makes me real unstable, and I fight to find a way to let it go, and when I can't, I turn it in on myself. After all, I can't allow him to see me crying. He never understands and acts as though I am just being mental and he loses his temper with me for it. It leaves me short on outlets. Besides, if I cry, he might have an attack of compassion and believe that maybe, just maybe he has some part in our problems. Remember, avoidance is his key for dealing with everything. If he turns his back on it, if he turns his back on me, then it all goes away.

I must be a desperately sick [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] to keep going back for more, since I can predict with near 100% accuracy how he will react when I reach out to him. It's obvious that I must love humiliation, eh? After all, what idiot goes back again, and again, and again, knowing that they are going to be ignored or ridiculed? He never leaves me in peace though. I know that I'm not supposed to deny him, but I have. There are times when I try to protect myself, and I pull back from him and won't be sexually intimate. As soon as I don't want it, he comes to me and tries to manipulate me. The only time I didn't give in, used me against my will. I don't know what he wants from me at all.

 

[SarahAblaze06]

"I must be a desperately sick [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] to keep going back for more, since I can predict with near 100% accuracy how he will react when I reach out to him. It's obvious that I must love humiliation, eh? After all, what idiot goes back again, and again, and again, knowing that they are going to be ignored or ridiculed?"... NO you are NOT sick with this.

You are trying to do the right thing, thinking (maybe subconsiously or hopefully) that maybe he'll come around. YOU are not an idiot going back and back for more. You are reaching out to him.

The on the flip side it could be that you are reaching out to him with full knowlegde of what will happen, but with the desperation to feel wanted and be loved, that any attention, good or bad, will satiate at least PART of that need.

who knows, I'm no psychologist, tho I try LOL. it seems to be a big tug-o-war. you want somethign and he wants something and you both pull to get it(you're pulling for the same things at the foundation of it all) but with different intensions and motives, and THAT is the struggle.

I really really want to keep posting more right now, but I will be off to church in just a few minutes so I will have to make this it for now. again, and i mean those with ALL my heart =)

 

[jenptcfan]

Jenna,

I can't say that I really have any advice for you, but I did want to let you know that I wish I could say a magic word and make everything OK in your relationship. If I could, I would do that for you. You are one of my favorite posters at CF--your honesty is refreshing. You have such strength of character for trying to make things right, knowing full well how your intentions will be received.

I pray that your relationship with your husband will be restored and that you will have a relationship you can be fully proud of--and never ashamed of or hurt by. I pray that God would do a work in your husband to help him see how deeply his addiction affects you--that he would be willing to get the help he needs.

J

 

[Melody Joy]

Well I thought I'd have so much to say. But as I read your story I was less and less sure what to say. I too am suffering from depression and understand the kind of thoughts you have. I know you said that financially counseling isn't available right now, but maybe your church or somewhere trusted they have someone the both of you can talk to. My church has something called Stephen Ministry and it is free. The people who volunteer have a heart for it and go through training. My mother was a Stephen Minister and I was helped through them. That is just a small suggestion. My heart goes out to you. Just know there is someone out there that understands how you feel and I'll be here anytime you need to talk

 

[mina]

I know i'm not married but I do care about you Jenna and I just want to say something. This is not going to just get better on it's own. It's not just going to go away. It seems that there are many many issues involved for both you and him that are causing such pain. It sounds as though you have made clear to him how you feel and things just keep going in a vicious frustrating cycle. Please get help. If he won't go to counseling, then you go until he will. Your marriage is worth dealing with each issue now, before it blows up into something worse. Marriage is not supposed to be like this and there is help out there. I love you in the Lord and many others here love you in the Lord and I want the best for you! I will be praying for you and your husband.

 

[lilray]

I agree that you should both try counselling. I know you said it's too pricey, but hopefully your church will offer up something... maybe the Stephen's Ministry idea someone had. Sending more hugs and still praying for you, Jenna.

Love - Your Sister in Christ

 

[desi]

Jenna, have you thought of looking at what you're doing and doing the opposite of it to see what happens?

 

[Jenna]

*snuggles down into a chair to talk for a wee bit*

Good evening......er, or morning, however you wanna look at it. lol

I wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of love that I've been recieving from all of my friends here at Christian Forums. Also, thanks for dealing with my emotional rantings while I've been a bit beside myself.

This is probably going to sound odd, but thanks for being understanding toward my husband also. Like I said, he is a good guy at heart. I think that he really does want to do what is right. Somewhere along the line, he just gets lost. I think that sometimes I think that I get too caught up in trying to change the situation, and bracing against the waves just makes them feel harder in the end than rolling with them.

I know that I have a lot of lessons to be learning right now, and they aren't easy ones. I'm trying to do it gracefully, though it doesn't seem to work every day. lol There are days when I feel like I am really blessed to be where I am in life, and days when I wonder if I can pull through and make it through another day. At this time, I'm still trying to learn how to be 'one flesh', while not relying on a man to give me my sense of worth. It's hard to know where to draw that emotional line, to know how close and dependant on each other we can be while being healthy as a couple, versus allowing it to compete with God.

Logically, I know that I am a wonderful creation, that I have many beautiful things about me, regardless of what I might see as flaws. No matter how awful someone else might think that I am, God sees what is lovely about me and makes it clear in His Word that we are all made with such loving care. I admit that there are times when I am weak, when I seem to put the feelings and attention of others (in this case, my husband), above those of God Himself. That isn't right, and because of that, I allow myself to suffer by making another person's personal opinion of me count for more than the Lord's. By being so emotional about it, I am allowing myself to be taken out of my husband's struggle with pornography because I am then no longer capable of supporting him when I am on my knees in pain. I can't help him do battle if I can't even manage to pick myself up off the floor. It makes me wonder if to some extent I am being manipulated emotionally to contribute to the downfall of my marriage. I'm still mulling over the idea.

I am struggling a great deal with trying to separate the sin from the man, and seeing that the sickness doesn't define who he is. There are times when I have to fight real hard to see the person within who is fighting off the strangle-hold of addiction. I think that some of the problem is that I've never dealt with someone with an addiction before. To me, it seems very personal when he attacks me because of this sickness. It seems personal when he tries to drag me down to a lower level so I no longer feel that I have the right to challenge him to change for the better. I try so hard to hold onto hope that what he really wants is freedom from this, and a healthier marriage and sexual relationship between us. There are days when it feels as though everything is in vain, that he has given up on us. Those are the days when I feel vulnerable.

I wonder how it is that I can learn to not view my husband as my enemy when he is being controlled by his addiction, and is hurting me. How do I remind him about what God has to say, when the Word is completely repulsive to him when he is lost like that. Is there any way to shake him out of it without being a direct target myself?

*gives y'all hugs before padding off to bed*

 

[oldrooster]

Counseling is lame. Jenna, have you thought of looking at what you're doing and doing the opposite of it to see what happens?

Desi -Have you ever thought about joining us here in the real world ? Jenna I totally understand your situation, I was that way with my first wife. I hope he learns what a prize he has before he loses it. I was only there for sex, and returned little affection. I wish sometimes that I could go back & change things and show her how much I loved her at the time, but I can't.

 

[Jenna]

Hey Desi,

Man, you know that I like you in a reall off-beat kind of way. So, I find that I let a lot of things ride, just 'cause something about you appeals to me in one way or another. I have to say though, Des, that was just kind of dumb. *scratches head* If you really want to help me, really care enough to make a contributing post, then I will of course be tremendously grateful. Is there something in particular that you would like to suggest? Do you have some male insight to the problem that might help me to at least have a bit more peace, if not be able to "cure" this thing? If so, I'm here, and my inbox is always open to you. I'm needing a little more than "do the opposite". C'mon babe, can't you see that I'm really trying and open to just about any healthy possibility? I've been trying to work this thing from every blessed angle for nearly 4 years now. You were real tough with me, telling me to stick it out and to not leave him last year. Well, I'm still here, and I'm still fighting. You were real good at telling me where you thought I was wrong, and pointing a finger at me. I'm not fussing over that. I think that your words were a great blessing to me, even when they hurt and I didn't want to hear them. But, if you are gonna give a critical eye, at least be willing to help me find a viable option for at least surviving this thing, if not beating the crud out of it. If you want to garner some well earned respect, it could be easily accomplished on this end by putting some real thought and prayerful consideration into your posts when it is obvious that this is such a tremendously important topic for me. If it's not something that you're interested in, hey doll, wanna just leave my threads alone? I'm not saying it to be mean or anything. I just know that you have more in you than that, and I find it a little insulting that you could sit down and write lengthy thread upon thread, telling people how to live their lives and honour their marriages, but can't think of anything more to offer me than "do the opposite". Damn Desi, I'm trying my best.....

Edit:

*hugs* Forgive me if I sound waspish? I'm going to blame it on stress-induced insomnia and plead insanity, if you'll buy that. *dumb sleepy laugh* I'm not normally a snappy person, but sometimes you drive me to distraction, you know that? Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad. All in all, I don't mean to make you angry with me or anything like that. Ok, anyway, I'm shutting up now. lol

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Jenna,

I wish I could send you off to a retreat to take care of YOURSELF, without your DH around - I don't want to sit here and rant at him (God knows I want to - but that's my personal issues coming out, reading your post and nodding in empathy at every line), but I just wish you could get some "YOU" time - removal from the situation at hand to build your strength up.

I know what it's like when everyone around you tells you how much they love and appreciate you, yet it feels like you're in a massive bubble that won't let any of that permeate, even when you want it to.

I know what it's like when you just feel like a sex-toy to help relieve someone else's pressure - and how hard it is to keep fighting when you're so weak and knocked out. I know what it's like to be terrified of crying in front of someone for fear of what they might do.

I love you Jenna, and I pray that something goes right for you, in all of this mess.

Sasch

 

[mina]

Jenna, you may have said this before, but does your husband acknowledge that he has a problem with porn? Does he acknowledge that it's having a negative controlling effect on his emotions/affections and on his marriage? I just wonder because lots of times people pull the wool over their own eyes while participating in sin, b/c they don't want to acknowledge that it's as bad as it is. hang in there, do take some time out for you even if it's just sitting in a park with y our eyes closed eating an ice cream cone. I'm still praying.

 

[Jenna]

*huggles Sash till she turns blue*

---------------------------

Mina,

Yes, my husband knows that what he does is wrong. He has come to me and admitted that he has a problem with porn, and that he would like to change the situation. There are times when I can get through to him and remind him that porn isn't what he wants, and that it hurts our relationship. Sometimes he'll look at me and say "you're right", and he'll turn away from it. There are other times though when even after being reminded about how much he doesn't want to do that, what the Word of God says, and how much it hurts me, he hardens his heart and shuts it all out. There are times when I just can't reach him. I don't know if he does it on purpose or not, but those are the times when he really acts out in a negative manner.

 

[pegatha]

Jenna, my heart just really goes out to you for all you are going through. Have you talked to your pastor about any of this? I know you said in an earlier thread that your husband didn't want you to do that, and I respect your desire to submit to his leadership. But it sounds like he is going through some kind of depression or oppression, or something that is making him irrational at times. If so, this may be one of those rare times when a wife can righteously act against her husband's expressed will, for his own good (and I believe I could demonstrate that from Scripture, if need be). I don't say that lightly. I just can't see this situation getting any better without some kind of intervention. But whatever you decide to do, you are in my thoughts & prayers.

 

[SarahAblaze06]

*singinG* I've been working on the railroad all the livelong daaaay..*Sarah realizes she doesn't know the rest of the words. starts humming instead*

Stops by the thread, glancing at the posts, trying to analyze(to no avail I might add) other than that Jenna, I think you have a HUGE grasp on this issue. You know in your head all the things that are going on as you have analyzed it time and time again, and it is only a matter of time before they all sink into yoru heart together. this will come to some sort of breaking point, one way or another and I know God has your best interests and desires at heart. You know and realize more than you think. I am lost of advic, as i can say i've never been there, BUT I know you are one of the smartest wiset people i know(person or computer) and that God has GREAT plans for you and your life. The phrase, "What doesn't break you, makes you stronger" comes to mind but I knwo that God uses things to break us when we become hard to things we didn't really realize enough and he softens our hearts to bring us back to the state he wants us in. Maybe this is what he's doign with your DH, or even with parts of you(as you ahve already shown how much you have grown and realize now). I recently have been on an up and down with, well I really don't knwo waht it iwas...maybe depression, for about 6 months and every time it felt liek i had broken thru and was free it came back to attack me again. the other day i jsut looked at my best friend who i have been kindof goign thru this with and tolf her I feel great. i really feel awesome. and she was like "wow thats awesome". I don't know how it happened...supernaturally really. But a few minutes after that I was walking around getting things ready for church and i thgouht to myself wow, I really feel strong. i feel so much stronger. and i dont knwo why I'm telling you this on here cuz it's not like this is advice really I suppose. I feel at a loss for words on this particular thread. what I really feel in my heart is that i want so badly to just wave a magic wand and make it all go away. *feeling kinda stupid...no hmm maybe the better word is stupified.*

*walks off to another thread humming- to no person in particular* you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are grey! you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away!!

 

[desi]

Jenna I don't think you're wrong here. The first post was meant pertaining to what was your business as opposed to assigning blame. Sometimes we do what we think is right but we don't get results despite our best efforts. When this happens it is foolish to keep doing what predictably fails. We must do something else and see what happens. This is the same advice I give guys whose women get flighty and the same advice I act on in my personal life. If trying to entice your husband fails why go through the motions when you can leave him alone for a spontaneous Friday night out with the girls where you dress the part! If this doesn't turn his head there are other things you can try. The point is we often have more in our arsenal of choices than we allow ourselves to consider.

 

[Jenna]

I could do a lot of things to turn his head, but what I'm really wanting to do is turn his heart. I know what buttons to push to get him aroused. What I don't know is how to evoke the right response. I can get dolled up and go out, and all of those peachy things. However, I can't have a night to just go out, because if he doesn't go with me, he gets terribly jealous. Then, when I get home he may be aroused, but he wants to have sex more as a way to take out his frustration on me than really lovin' on me. So, I've tried taking him out with me, and to be honest, when he knows that I'm being 'good' he is completely uninterested. *scratches head* Gaaaa, sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall. lol

Maybe part of my difficulty is that I don't understand why this is turning out to be so difficult, really. We both love each other, and we have the freedom to express it in the most physical of ways. It just doesn't seem like that is what the point to sex is for him. Is it the porn that has given him these ideas? I mean, I think that he is perfectly exciting enough. I don't feel the urge or need to do things in front of other people to make it exciting. Quite honestly, I don't understand why I'm not exciting enough as it is. I'm not a terribly prudish person, and I admit that I enjoy sex in a variety of ways and means. I just don't think that we need to involve anyone else in our sex play to make it enjoyable, whether it is through a porn video, internet, or "friends". To be honest, I think of it as adultery, that he seems so fond of trying to bring other people into our marriage bed in one way or another. There's nothing wrong with me, sexually, so I don't understand why he feels that he can only get what he wants through other venues. If he isn't trying to use me to work off a porn haze, then he is usually upset with me for one reason or another. It could be that I've gone out with my sister, and he knows that we've been out dancing. If he knows that some guy has said anything to me that might be construed as "hitting on me", or even just polite conversation with a male of the species, then he will want to have sex with me. I definitely wouldn't consider it to be really making love when he is rutting at me like a stag because another guy came near to my general direction. All in all, sex has turned into this very ugly thing. It's hard for me to deal with when he constantly rejects me, and only wants to sleep with me because he's been looking at porn or is mad at me. It turns sex into a punishment for me, and that doesn't sit well at all. What I don't know is if there is anything that I can do to change the way that he views sex. I don't know if there is any way that I can impress upon him that sex can be a fun, passionate, and caring way to express our love for one another. It seriously doesn't seem to mean that to him at all. Is this only a thing that he can learn on his own? If so, how do I learn how to cope with the circumstances in the meantime?

 

[Jenna]

Hey Des,

Thusfar, it seems as though everything is failing, no matter which way I try to approach the problem. That constant feeling of failure makes me feel helpless to change the situation, and sometimes I wonder if that isn't completely true anyway. The hard part is just that it is difficult to have much hope for our relationship, knowing that I can only change how *I* view things, and that I may very well never be able to influence him to treat me better. So, I wonder what my options really are. If everything that I try fails, should I stop trying to change this aspect of our relationship? Should I just accept that we will never have what I see as a healthy and pleasing sexual relationship? If so, I'm not sure that I know of a way to make that go down smoothly, since it has such a dramatic affect on my sense of feeling loved and accepted. All I do know is that our 'one flesh' relationship is succumbing under the pressure. My natural inclination is to remove myself from the situation by putting distance between him and my heart, and sometimes between his body and mine. I've tried sleeping apart from him, and trying to be emotionally distant to some extent, and it only served to make things worse. I'm not sure how to realistically protect myself to keep my sanity, while being soft enough to allow him back in if he wants to be nice to me.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Hmm...
It takes two hands to clap.
The other hand needs to grow up and be a man.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Jenna,

I'm not married, but I know what it's like to feel your heart breaking, and I know what it's like to feel less-than.


Dear Lord, I lift up my sister Jenna to You today. I pray that You would heal her heart, and heal her marriage. Restore what needs to be restored in both her and in her husband. I pray for the physical aspect of their relationship, as well as the emotional and spiritual aspects... Lord, I pray that they will be one in these areas. Help them to love one another wholeheartedly, as Christ loved us. I pray for her husband's temptation.... give him the strength and willpower to walk away from it and defeat it! Give Jenna the strength to love him and love herself through this heartbreaking situation. I praise You for Your faithfulness and Your desire for loving marriages focused on You. In Christ's name I ask, Amen.