Breaking........ (very long)

[Jenna]

I've been writing throughout the day, so I know this is long, and kudos to anyone who can actually make it to the end. I don't really know what I want, maybe someone to cry with, more than anything. I understand that there isn't anything that anyone here can do to help me, not really, so I don't expect it. Maybe for once, I'd rather not be just talking to myself............

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I know that I'm frustrated, hurt, and failing to protect my softness by wrapping it in anger. It almost amazes me that I can still hurt so sharply after being rejected and humiliated so many times. Seriously, I think that I should have hardened a bit by now. Instead, I still find myself hugging my pillow and burying my face in it's fluffiness while the physical ache in my chest throbs and robs me of my breath.


I am aware that lashing out in anger isn't the way to accomplish anything worthwhile, not with the ones that I love. However, knowing that and being able to react differently are vastly different. I am trying to change how I feel, but then the battle in my mind comes when I am at my weakest.

I dreampt again, and wasn't traveling the world this time. I was closer to home, dreaming about things that I had no business remembering about, let alone reveling in behind closed eyes. It would be one thing if this were something out of nowhere, that I could pretend to be shocked at where my thoughts have gone, but I can't put it off at being a dream. I've thought the very same things during my daytime hours, and been just as filled with longing....and just as plagued with digust for myself. I know it is my discontent speaking, drawing me to think of times when I wasn't shunned so cruelly.

It's wrong. I know it is. I battle with jealousy, envy, very sexually immoral thoughts. Ok, very, very, very sexually immoral thoughs. *disgusted laugh* Is it so much that I want another person? Maybe, to some extent. I would be a liar if I said that there was never a time that I didn't secretly wish that things had turned out differently. Since I'm not a liar, even to myself, I might as well admit it. While I'm at it, I'll even go so far as to say that it has very little to do with sex, and most everything to do with acceptance.

There is a war going on in my head and my heart, and I don't know how well good will triumph over evil. A part of me whispers of mercy and forgiveness, pressuring me to cut him some slack and to try to handle the situation gracefully. I'm hungry, and it's clawing at my belly like a rabid beast...and he feeds me a diet of rejection and humiliation. I'm feeling like a caged dog who is continually poked with sharp sticks.

I kind of snapped last night, literally and figuratively. Pardon the language, but I don't believe in mercy fu**ing. It leaves a particularly bad taste in my mouth to be confronted again with the fact that he needs other things added to the mix as motivation for him to touch or taste me. Ah yes, I forgot, my flesh must taste like battery acid to his sensitive tongue. *snarls* As though rejection wasn't quite enough, then he actually tried to wrestle my shirt off while I was holding it down, telling him to leave me alone. He wouldn't listen, and I snapped at him real bad. He's lucky that my feelings were hurt deeply enough that I couldn't hit him. It's not like it hasn't crossed my mind though, wanting to lash out and find a way to hurt him as deeply as he hurts me. Yes, I know, not reallly a showing of Christ-like love, eh? I'm mad at him for not wanting me. I'm mad at him for only wanting to touch me in a porn-induced haze, never thinking about how that makes me feel filthy. I'm mad at him for every time he has turned me away, looked at me as though he couldn't bring himself to put a hand on me. I'm angry with myself for needing the closeness. I'm angry with myself for being so weak as to feel crushed each time he ignores me or purposefully pushes me away. I'm angry with myself for being angry, wanting to lash out, wanting to do anything to make the pain go away. I'm mad at him for being so damned lazy that he would rather pleasure himself with porn. I'm mad at him for just looking at it always as just sex, a physical release, without listening when I say that it is so much more for me. I'm mad at him for not understanding that he is stealing from me. I'm angry at myself for feeling useless and ugly. I'm angry at myself for ever wanting to fall to my knees and beg. I'm angry with myself for being angry, for wanting someone to truly want me, for being weak enough to entertain ideas of adultery. I feel dirty and unwanted, and I feel like lashing out and hurting someone. I'd say it's an all around bad day thusfar.

How did I ever find myself in this situation? Really? *laughs* I'd say it is pretty easy to pin down, and hard to solve. I spent my entire childhood trying to gain the love and acceptance of my parents. Instead, I got beat on and told how much I wasn't loved.


I was 17 when I fell in love with a guy who promised to take care of my softer parts. My God, he was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. He might as well have been my very own angel, fallen to earth. I'll say it wasn't healthy, but I would have done anything to earn his love, and I tried. I did fail though. He would hold me close, make love with me sweetly, and wrap me in his arms tightly and allow his tears to fall down my face. I thought that just maybe he could save my heart, show me what it could be like to be wholly embraced and loved. I could never explain to him why it was that I would cry whie we made love. What I was offering didn't turn out to be what he wanted, and I lost him.

I think that it is interesting that I am so sexually orientated. I guess that Gary Chapman would say that it is my love language, touch. I need the physical connection to express my love and to fully feel it in return. That is probably why Darling and I ever slept together, because I was so deeply hurting that I needed some kind of balm to ease the pain. He was my friend, dear to me already, and I used him. *sad laugh* You know, I wouldn't even let him call me his girlfriend. He still makes mocking comments about that to this day. I didn't want forever from him, just a chance to make it not hurt so bad while I learned how to breathe again. I don't know how it is that I eventually fell in love with him.

You know, he used to make love with me 4 times a day? It was like sunshine and a soft rain to me, soothing the aches of living. He would tell me that he loved me, kiss and caress me at any time, just so I always felt cherished. Maybe that is why I am so completely confused by the fact that he doesn't need or necessarily want me now. Now that I've grown to need him, to thrive off of the love that he gives, he's stopped being so generous. I've learned slowly that he doesn't like to kiss me. A little peck in the morning before work, and that is enough. He doesn't even really care to kiss me during sex. His kisses used to make my toes curl and chase shivers down my spine. *sad laugh* I really do brush my teeth and all that good stuff. My lips are still just as soft, though they tend to point down more than curl up.

There was a time when my touch was enough to send him over the top without it even being a sensual touch. Something completely innocent could cause him to excuse himself. I would never have thought that at one point, he wouldn't want me to touch him any more. I never figured that he would ever turn his back to me and ignore me, or brush my hands away. I never thought that he would slap my hand for touching him in a sexual manner. I never thought that I would humble myself again and again, asking for him to make love with me, only to be told how he isn't in the mood or just too lazy to bother. I never thought that I would hear those words, and then walk in on him masturbating. I never thought that one day he would turn me away, and then get off to videos of other women touching themselves. I've held nothing back from him, made nothing taboo between us. I've never shamed him for anything that he has wanted, and even done things that have made me feel filthy, all so that he would be close with me.

I feel as though I've lost my self-respect because I've been down on my knees so much, begging. It isn't uncommon for me to ask 2 or 3 times a week, and to be painfully rejected as many times. It is humiliating to undress and try and tempt a man, only to be summarily dismissed. I can't express how mortifying it is to be so exposed and vulnerable, and see that look on his face as though it would be such a trial for him to touch me or allow me to touch him. Every flaw of my body screams out at me, every extra bit of weight, every curve that is out of fashion. Every scar that I bear, the imperfection of my breasts, the jagged wreak slashing across my abdomen, the unfeeling marks across my ribs. I feel as though the ground could open up and swallow me, and I only wish that my hands were large enough to cover all my body so I wouldn't be so exposed. I dress with my back to him so he can't see me.

The men say that the porn addiction has nothing to do with me, that it isn't my fault. It isn't that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough. What is it then? Honestly. If he had no problem before and this only came about when he no longer found me attractive in my pregnancy, what is the cause exactly? How can I not take it personally that he doesn't desire me? How can I take it that when he DOES want me, he just wants to rut against me like an animal, never wanting to give the sweet loving that I need also? How do I take it that when I am vulnerable and needing caring, he wants me to say explicit "dirty" talk and would rather spend himself over my face? Through all of the things that I've done wrong in my days of fornication, I never felt as defiled as I do as a married woman. I was never before mocked as being "never any fun" for not wanting to have sex in front of other people. Never, in the past, was I so completely shut out from sex as to be in pain and whimpering...and being ignored and hurt. How sad is that?

I've never wanted to cheat on my husband, though I've been lead astray by my own weakness. I've allowed men to come to close to me, dancing and rubbing themselves on me, almost as a reward for thinking me desireable enough in their booze-induced haze. I've dreampt of times when I was more tenderly treated, wanted passionately. I've longed for I've searched for my whole life with such a fervor that I can taste it in my mouth. I've watched people in love and felt that I wanted to vomit. I've wanted what they have so desperately, but I can't even make my husband want me.

Is it a wonder that I struggle to find worth? How many ways can I fail? How many people can look upon me with disappointment? How many times have I looked to dig and cut out the fatal flaw within myself, I can't say. I read not too long ago where someone said that suicide was a terrible sin because the person didn't trust God to 'fix' things. *sad laugh* I wonder if they are capable of understanding that sometimes it isn't that a person wants to be away from this eath, but that they can't live without God. It makes sense to me. Sometimes I've wondered if maybe it wouldn't be worth it to kill myself and pray for mercy, knowing that since God knows my thoughs, He understands how desperate I am to FEEL and understand love that I've only recieved through Him. You hold on each day and battle for it, hoping that there is a real purpose, that God will have mercy and make it more bearable. Do I feel that God has failed me? Not at all, though sometimes I wonder about His creation. I give pretty words to everyone, encourage where I can, try and teach what few lessons I've learned. Sometimes I am just tired of fighting to do what is right. God, what I wouldn't give to truly be held and know that I am wanted. I am tired of being a mistake, a burden. I'd like, for one time in my life, to really be a blessing to someone.....anyone. Pardon, it's the depression talking, I know.

 

[Cright]

Jenna,

I haven't been married, and I don't know your pain. I wanted just to say that I will pray for you, for your husband and for your relationship. Did you go through pre-marital councling at your church? Do you have a mentor "couple" or someone you can talk to? My church has a "celebrate recovery" group for all kinds of addictions or for family members and friends of addicted people (including porn). Maybe you can seek help through a group similar for yourself (and hopefully if he'll go) and your husband.

Again... I will keep you in my prayers. I have read many of your posts and know that you are a beautiful... if your avatar is a pic of you, then you are also beautiful on the outside. I can say that you are valued here on CF!

I love you, sister in Christ!
God Bless,
Carina

 

[Jengi]

My heart hurts for your pain. I just wanted to let you know that I really value your wisdom and thoughts on your posts.

You are in my prayers! I pray for God's comfort for you.

 

[IslandBreeze]

Jenna, you have a PM. I wish I could wrap my arms around you right now and give you a huge hug!!!! I love you girl! Hang in there!

 

[desi]

Your husbands porn has nothing to do with you, his refusal to be with you has everything to do with you. Have you told your husband he refuses you in conflict with the Bible's teachings and perhaps Paul had a good reason for saying spouses are not to withold affections from one another. Your husbands not that smart, is he.

 

[Jenna]

Desi, he knows very well what the bible says about witholding affections. He honestly doesn't seem to care though. I don't know if I would be very satisfied with sex out of obligation, truth be told. I've seen that look on his face before, looking like he's having teeth pulled to be close to me, and that kills it right there. Then if I admit to feeling too embarassed to be instantaneously ready for sex, he gets mad at me and turns it around to being my fault that I make things so difficult.

 

[bkg]

Your husbands porn has nothing to do with you, his refusal to be with you has everything to do with you.

I'm gonna have to call BS on the second part of that statement. My gut is that his rejection has more to do with HIM than with her. Period.

We can spout off all the legal-eze we want about who is commanded to do what, but that's not going to solve core problem for him or anyone else.

Addiction to pornography, in my personal, humble and non-professional opinion has everything to do with the spiritual and nothing to do with the physical.

I don't have an answer, Jenna, other than prayer. But I wanted to make sure that the disease isn't lost in the search to treat the symptoms...

 

[MikeK]

Jenna. Wow. It takes a very strong person to put into words what you just have. I always get alot out of your posts, you are honest and you care, and I appreciate that. There are parts of what you've written that strike too close to home. I can say that in some ways I've been in your shoes, and it is with great sham that I confess that I have been in your husband's as well. You must know that you are beautiful and desireable. Your husband has an addiction that he doesn't understand, he may never be able to articulate it to you, but he can beat it with help. Does he know just how badly he is hurting you? If I were you, I would consider printing out what you've written for us, and leaving it somewhere for him. Let him read it while you are not in his presence, so that he lets it sink in instead of feeling compelled to argue with you, refute your statements or rationalize his actions. That and pray, alone if you must, with him if you can. God Bless.

 

[jazzbird]

Oh Jenna! I know that there is really nothing I can say, but I just want you to know that I am crying with you right now, and our God cries with you too. I am sending prayers up for you right now.

 

[selune]

Jenna, you are in my prayers. Know that you mean a lot to many people and that you are a blessing to this forum. Take care. If you need to PM feel free. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Violet]

Jenna, I want to hug you so bad right now. Just know that you ARE loved

 

[abaxter1983]

Jena,

Thank you for posting such intimate look at your thoughts and feelings. I think it is especially important for the men on this forum to be exposed to how this kind of sin affects the women we love. I truly believe you are a blessing to the people on this forum and as such I can’t imagine that you are any less of a blessing to the people in your real life.



Man I wish there were some easy answers I could give you! However, I am by no means an expert and my own personal experience doesn’t match that of your husband’s. I’m sad to say that I too struggled with this same issue years ago and it had absolutely nothing to do with anything my wife did or didn’t do.



I never once looked at a picture of a woman and said to myself “Man I wish my wife looked like that”. For me it was more about the intense desire the women showed, although we all know that it is totally fake, toward sex. At the end of the day I realized that what really fulfilled me was seeing that desire in my wife’s eyes and having her respond to me. I wish I could tell you there was some critical event that caused me to walk away from this junk, but it just happened over time with prayer.



I wish I could be more helpful. My only hope in sharing what I did is that it may help you to hear other men, who have no reason to be untruthful with you, tell you that it was solely their problem, nothing their wives did or didn’t do that caused it.



I’ll I know to do is pray for you both.

 

[lilray]

I don't know what to say either! I really admire your ability to be so open here.. wish I knew what to say. I always love reading your responses. You have such a great wisdom and gift for words. I will definitely pray for you. You are loved.. sending you hugs.

 

[Jenna]

It's hard to feel love, and I don't know if I can really explain it. I think that I've just gotten to the point where I feel so completely useless that it is hard for anything positive to get through to my heart. I'm sure that it is just the depression that is clouding it though.


I feel very alone, with only my daughter for real companionship, when she takes pity on me. lol My family members are real good for not wanting me around unless they want something from me. It's never really that they have a great affection for me, just that I make a decent babysitter, I listen well, or everyone else is busy. I thought that I would be ok, just so long as I had my husband's love. I could be shut off and ignored by the rest of the world so long as we could have happiness in our little family.

I depend on my husband a great deal for love, being that I am so shut off from my family. They are very critical of me, and most times only want me for what they can get out of me. It's hard for me to feel that my husband is any different, with the way that he acts now. Sometimes he will have a stretch of doing and feeling good, and our relationship will be great. For the most part though, these past years have been really hard. I keep trying to find ways to make it better, to make him happy, to piece together enough faith to stick with it and make our marriage work. I just feel like a tiny little animal, trying to move a mountain. For one reason or another, he finds a way to try and make every problem between us my fault. If we don't have sex often enough, it is because I'm a sex fiend. If I want to have "normal" sex, then I am being a prude and am "no fun". If he doesn't want to have sex with me, it is because I'm not fun enough and don't smile enough to be attractive to him. It's my fault that I'm not happy enough, no matter how many times he hurts my feelings in a day. It's my fault that I'm not aroused enough, therefore I must not really want to make love. It's my fault if sex hurts, so I get "what's your problem now?" It somehow never ceases to be my fault. I don't buy it, but it sure doesn't feel good to always be looked at with a critical eye.

I'm at a loss. I don't know if I can ever make him happy. Everything I do is wrong, no matter how hard I try. To be honest, it makes me wonder how long it would take before he steps out on me. I'll admit to being jaded, that is for sure. Goodness, I've heard the same kind of complaints before when my dad would say such inappropriate things about his relationship with my mother. He stopped sleeping with her, and then she found out that he was having sex with other people. I don't want us to be like my parents. I definitely don't want to spend my whole life trying to put a smile on my husband's face, just to have him truly get tired of me and bow out. It's unfair to judge my husband after my father, I understand that. I already feel replaced though, just not with another woman yet. He isn't happy with me now, so what happens if he meets someone that he thinks he would get on better with? I can't say that I don't worry. I honestly feel as though one day he is going to leave me, since he just isn't content with me, and I've done everything that I could ever think to do. God, I've done things that make me feel sick to even think about, just to keep him interested. Nothing has ever worked though. I'm at my wits end, and I'm just so tired that I don't want to bother with it any more. I know that I shouldn't withold my affections from him anymore than he should from me, but I don't know that I have anything left. I feel so completely beat down that I don't ever want him to touch me or see me naked again. It only seems to leave me open for huge amounts of hurt and humiliation.

 

[Violet]

You are such a beautiful person Jenna. It saddens me that your family and husband dont cherish you they way they should. You seem to be a terrific wife and a wonderful mother.

Have you and your husband recieved counseling? Have you received counseling for your depression?

 

[Melody Joy]

It's wrong. I know it is. I battle with jealousy, envy, very sexually immoral thoughts. Ok, very, very, very sexually immoral thoughs. *disgusted laugh* Is it so much that I want another person? Maybe, to some extent. I would be a liar if I said that there was never a time that I didn't secretly wish that things had turned out differently. Since I'm not a liar, even to myself, I might as well admit it. While I'm at it, I'll even go so far as to say that it has very little to do with sex, and most everything to do with acceptance.

I am at work so I don't have time to read your whole post at the moment. But I will when I get home. I just wanted to say that this paragraph I can totally relate to. I found myself tearing up as I continued to read your post and I will have more to say later

 

[Jenna]

My husband and I haven't done any counseling together, basically because he isn't open to the idea. Sometimes he seems willing to really fight for our relationship, and there are long expanses of time when he loses himself in his selfishness and porn and just lashes out at me if I don't just leave him to it.

I have been in therapy before for my depression, as I am a cutter and tend to lean toward suicidal thoughts. I was seeing a therapist and a separate doctor who was treating me for depression as a means to decide whether it was simply depression or bipolar disorder. At this time, I am not under any medical care, mainly because of money. Therapy was very expensive since so much of it wasn't covered by our insurance. *dark laugh* To think that all I would have had to do to get it covered would have been to cut a little deeper and have myself admitted. It's stupidity really. Other than that, I don't have the money for medication, now that they've figured that it isn't just a "simple" depression. That said, I need a lot of support when drugs alter my moods and feelings, and I don't have that at home. It's bad enough to feel crazy, but it's worse to get the "you're being a b**ch. Did you take your medicine today?" kind of comments. I've dealt with my feelings my entire life, since that is as long as I've had mental health issues. I am able to find ways to protect myself when I am hurting, but I'll admit to it being difficult when I have legitimate reasons to be upset, and it isn't just a mood change. *laughs* If only it were so easy as taking a pill, and suddenly the world would be right.

All in all, I guess that you can say that y'all are my therapy. lol I know, I know, people always say that I need more. I'll tell you though, it goes a long way to knowing that not everybody sees me and runs. Just don't say anything to my family though, as they'll be sure to explain how pathetic it is to not have friends "in the real world". They only say it out of jealousy though, I asure you. Really, they just wish that they could turn their friends and family 'off' too. *wiggles a brow*

 

[SarahAblaze06]

Jennnnnaaaa!!!! (to the tune of 'steelllaa') *runs up to Jenna and give her the biggest bestest hug ever Sweetheart, my heart it with you!

Alot of this is probly the depression talking, tho it is rooted in issues of truth. Depression is just Satan's way of taking some of the big and small problems in life, magnifying them-not God-, to overwhel you of the bigness it seems to surround you with. Numb to certain things, dark and black to others, your emotions are clouded by the enemys words when depression is at it's best working. There ARE chemichal imbalances and all that stuff, but you are right on with God. the more of Him you get, the more it will push that stuff out. Yyou ahve probably done this a million times, try memorizing certain scriptures and when something comes up, a thought for example, quote taht word. sometimes it will probly seem worthless and annyoing. but take hold of the promises of God. He has not given you a spirit of fear, but of POWER and of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND. may the Lord be with you!

Your husbands porn problem is obviously a very HUGE problem, not that you need me to point that out. I know this is probyl a big stretch, and I really don't know how to word it right, but when he tried to do things with you physically, maybe, and I don't know if you have already or have often done this, but just totally lash out at him. I doubt this is great chrisitan advice here...so you'll prolly just want to skip over this part, but he needs a big wake up call that you are not going to be his 'outlet' for sex! I once heard that sex outside of marrige is just masturbating with someone elses body. After hearing what you've said it certainly sounds like this is what your husband it trying to do. with you and, even by himself. He is probly at this point- Isaiah 44:20- "He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himslef or say, is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" He doesn't know how this is effecting you and your desire to be with him intimately. The things he sees in that porn, he is trying to act out with you, and I know this from some of what you've said, and that is NOT right. Sex should be about each other awakening things in one another, ect. I realize you know this, i'm just talking about things in my head, well in this post i guess. He needs to know that you do want to make love to him and you want him to want you in tha same way, for you- as who you are, as who he has loved you like before, NOT as the women that he sees. that stuff isn't real.. it is fantasy land, and it is not what God has in mind. He needs to WAKE UP and realize what this is doing to you as his wife... and to your self image. Man i think i'm gonna blow I'm all worked up LOL. prolly not the best thing to just rant and rave typing on this thing but I wish I could jsut be with you now. and with him. He IS the love of your life and you DO want him, and every part of him. I pray that the Lord blesses him and opens his eyes to the blessing he has in you. He, fomr other posts you have written, sounds liek a good person, but in this sin I believe he is totally blind. He is, like isaiah says, feeding on ashes. dead things. things that used to be spark and fire he has burned out and is wallowing in. I pray God reveals to him the pit he is in and how sick he has become by doing this to you. he probly doesn't realize the extent of how this has made you feel or I doubt he wuold keep doing it, I will give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. I send my greatest affections to the BOTH of you. May God come in and turn things around. humbly, sarah

 

[DaveKerwin]

Jenna, does your husband know about all these feelings you have? To the extent that you have described them here? Does he see your marriage as needing as much work as you do?

 

[SarahAblaze06]

good questions dave