breaking up...

[Mulutka]

I broke up with my bf last Sunday (after 2 1/2 years of going out with him) and I can't stop hurting inside. I know that "breaking up is hard to do"... I really need some prayers and encouragement though.

Although I was the one who did the breaking up, my ex agrees with me that we just can't be together (he's not a Christian, he's much older and has different life goals etc etc) but we both want to stay friends. I've never been friends after breaking up before (I've had other long term relationships too).. is this really possible? Is it even wise? Can anyone else relate?

My mom told me to stay away from him (make a clean break).. if I don't do as she says, am I breaking the 4th Commandment? I always thought that Honouring our parents only was relevant when we live under their roof.. ? (I've been on my own for 5 years now).

 

[canehdianhotstuff]

i broke up with a gf after long term to and were still friends,its possible.

 

[rainbowprism]

It is possible to be friends...BUT you can't jump into that right away. It's practically impossible to be friends immediately, there are too many feelings and whatnot that needs to taken care of before the issue of friendships would be an option. My ex and I tried to quickly to be friends after breaking up and the boundary lines were really blurred and caused alot of confusion and heartache. You need time to recupe from this loss, cause this is clearly something that you need to emotionally heal from. Then, and only then, can you guys maturally aprroach friendship. Good luck!

 

[plum]

I was just given a great piece of advice last night that went something like this:
Just like physical intimacy creates bonds between people, emotional bonds are also created in an intimate relationship. Those bonds cause the pain and remorse in our hearts when we recall this person... this is a sign that we were too attached to this person (since they weren't our spouse to which we are supposed to create this tight bond)...
The way to ease the pain and heal the heart is to pray for God to tear away those emotional ties that stay with us if we don't cut them off. Then we can remember our ex's fondly but with no pain attached... If they have parts of our hearts, of course we will always hurt for the part that is lost to us. But God can rebuild that part if we seek him fully.

anyways, hon. this helped me... *hug* hope you seek God for healing and recovery from the breakup

 

[caitlincares]

Praying for you.

 

[Tinydancer19]

Its definitely possible but it just takes time. You guys honestly need to take a couple months away from eachother. Try not to see eachother or talk to eachother because it just brings back old feelings including bitterness that you're not together. This bitterness sometimes ruins the chance of even having a friendship with your ex because you start to nit pick at eachother. Honestly take time apart and then later in the future start over as friends. Good Luck!

 

[rainbowprism]

Good advice MissJu!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

It is possible to be friends, but I have caution (I said this somewhere else to)...

when you become friends again - be careful you don't get co-dependant and shut everyone else out.

I dated a guy who broke up with his defacto a year before I came on the scene. For 6 months I had to deal with
* her there almost constantly when we'd go out
* her staying over his place when I had to go home
* him bailing her out financially continually
* me staying at home whilst he went over to her house to watch videos
* finding out that the reason he couldn't be with me was because she was cooking dinner for him
* Him cancelling dates at the last minute because she needed him to drive her up to get her son (who lived 2 hours away)

THAT HURT - and I'd hate for you to experience that...

Be very careful if you start up a friendship again - don't keep him around just cos he's 'comfortable'. And put BIG boundaries up to save yourselves, your friends, and your future partners from unnecessary hurt.

Sasch

 

[jay_swift]

no, its not possible to be friends. clean break is the way to go.

 

[leah-bygrace]

no, its not possible to be friends. clean break is the way to go.

I agree. I mean, I think that it IS possible to be friends, but I know myself and I know that I couldn't be friends with an ex right after a break-up. The desire to get back together would be too strong and I'd never be able to heal.

Only you know what you can handle.

 

[Fineous_Reese]

it's always been a 50/50 thing for me whether or not we stayed friends after dating, usually depended on how long we were together and how physical it got. Mulutka, if your folks have said stay away i reckon it would be best to honor their wisdom since it's not something that will force you to go against God to obey them.

maybe this needs it's own thread but it kinda fits here, i was seeing someone and after 4-5 dates she wanted to stop the dating because 1) she thought i was more religious than she and 2) i wanted to hold off on kissing and she wanted a smooch after the 2nd date. she stated the classic 'i'd still like to be friends' and i replied with 'yeah sure' (the 'whatever' wasn't audible). now to be balanced, i'd had reservations about her as well but hadn't gotten to the point of writing her off. i was having a hard time being myself (i'm a pretty stoic goofball) around her and she never reached over and unlocked my car door after i let her in

that being said, she calls me yesterday and wants to go out to a movie or a ballgame or something, i mention i'm suprised she called and she reiterates that she did want to be friends.

oh, she lives about 60 miles away which was a long distance for dating, seems longer for a simpler relationship of 'just friends'.

i'm confuzzled.
-Fin

 

[canehdianhotstuff]

people.............

 

[blackpurseninja]

A long term relationship like that? I don't care what anyone says, it would take two super human beings to have a REALISTICALLY NORMAL friendship without hangups.

I can completely feel for you because I went through the same thing. Considering you felt almost reluctant about the breakup, it would not be wise to continue talking to him right now. I would agree with your mom with a clean break. He is also not a christian, and considering his goals are different from your own I wouldn't want to be tempted further. We all have weak moments, I would just avoid him altogether.

Now that doesn't mean you wont care for him, and in the future you could keep in touch once the initial pain and confusion is gone. But right now you are a bit confused and vulnerable, and you should focus on other aspects of your life. Good luck.

Also, honoring your parents does not mean you have to do everything they say. You can honor someone without agreeing with everything they believe in. You are living on your own as an adult know and will have to figure out how you want to live YOUR life. You can respect her input and consider it seriously, but ultimately its you who has to choose your path.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Bethany,

It really depends on the circumstances. I am friends w/ my ex, b/c we were friends before we dated. In my case, I know I'd have that heart-ripped-out-feeling regardless of whether or not I hung out w/ him. The friendship b/w us is still very good (it's pretty much a best-friendship). So, for me, it would be senseless to give this up.

However, this may not apply to you in the same way. See, in my case, my ex will not allow me to get back w/ him if he believed it would lead to regrets on my part (which, at this point in time, it would). Plus, I am very disciplined despite wanting him back.

I'll continue to pray for you.

 

[kermit the toad]

It is possible to be friends...BUT you can't jump into that right away. It's practically impossible to be friends immediately, there are too many feelings and whatnot that needs to taken care of before the issue of friendships would be an option. My ex and I tried to quickly to be friends after breaking up and the boundary lines were really blurred and caused alot of confusion and heartache. You need time to recupe from this loss, cause this is clearly something that you need to emotionally heal from. Then, and only then, can you guys maturally aprroach friendship. Good luck!

I would have to agree with this. I know from experience. Give yourself time.

 

[Breetai]

no, its not possible to be friends. clean break is the way to go.

That's pretty much what I've found too. I don't see much point in being friends after breaking-up. It's just better in the long run.

 

[Breetai]

it's always been a 50/50 thing for me whether or not we stayed friends after dating, usually depended on how long we were together and how physical it got. Mulutka, if your folks have said stay away i reckon it would be best to honor their wisdom since it's not something that will force you to go against God to obey them.

maybe this needs it's own thread but it kinda fits here, i was seeing someone and after 4-5 dates she wanted to stop the dating because 1) she thought i was more religious than she and 2) i wanted to hold off on kissing and she wanted a smooch after the 2nd date. she stated the classic 'i'd still like to be friends' and i replied with 'yeah sure' (the 'whatever' wasn't audible). now to be balanced, i'd had reservations about her as well but hadn't gotten to the point of writing her off. i was having a hard time being myself (i'm a pretty stoic goofball) around her and she never reached over and unlocked my car door after i let her in

that being said, she calls me yesterday and wants to go out to a movie or a ballgame or something, i mention i'm suprised she called and she reiterates that she did want to be friends.

oh, she lives about 60 miles away which was a long distance for dating, seems longer for a simpler relationship of 'just friends'.

i'm confuzzled.
-Fin

I think that you'd be wasting your time, but what do I know?

 

[Fineous_Reese]

I think that you'd be wasting your time, but what do I know?

that's the thought i had. was kinda curious if any of the ladies could shed some light on what this lady might be thinking as i certainly can't fathom it.

 

[hockeysistah12]

I broke up with my bf last Sunday (after 2 1/2 years of going out with him) and I can't stop hurting inside. I know that "breaking up is hard to do"... I really need some prayers and encouragement though.

Although I was the one who did the breaking up, my ex agrees with me that we just can't be together (he's not a Christian, he's much older and has different life goals etc etc) but we both want to stay friends. I've never been friends after breaking up before (I've had other long term relationships too).. is this really possible? Is it even wise? Can anyone else relate?

My mom told me to stay away from him (make a clean break).. if I don't do as she says, am I breaking the 4th Commandment? I always thought that Honouring our parents only was relevant when we live under their roof.. ? (I've been on my own for 5 years now).

This man is not a christian--that would tell you something right there. God has allowed this to happen because he does not want his children, those who are following him unhappy and not with those who are not walking with him.

Even though it would have hurt in the long run, think if you marry the guy because he would have sink you deeper in your chrisrianity and so forth. And your marriage would have been misable with one not walking and the other not.

Yes, this has to hurt and I understand that, but look at this way--he saved you from further hurt and he is telling you to stay away from those and not to date those who are not in the faith (2nd Cor 6:14)--So rejoice in the Lord and move on and seek him.

 

[Missy Baby]

IT is definately possible to be friends with your ex's. I am still friends with most of my past boyfriends. One of them being close to 2 years. I know it hurts, but you can do it. Be strong and positive. If you want it to be a break-up and not go back with him, then i would suggest you steer clear from him for a while. Just so that you are away from him and able to think things through without having mixed feelings about the break-up. You will be fine.

God Bless you.
you are in my

P.S. Follow your heart. Do what you think is right. God is watching down on you and blessing you. There is nothing to worry about.