BPD led to separation

[philjohnson]

I have been a high-functioning BPD for a number of years. My wife spotted it about 12 years ago and we've been married almost 22 years.

Combine BPD with narcissistic tendencies and you have a recipe for disaster.

My wife was the primary target of my BPD and it just about destroyed her. She moved out about eight weeks ago and I have been left to pick up the pieces of my life.

Essentially, God broke me into a million tiny pieces. I have experienced more pain from this real abandonment than from any real abandonment I can imagine. She wouldn't play the game anymore and this is my reality.

But during this time I have encountered the Lord in completely new ways. Before, He was just my Savior. Now He is my Lord, sitting on the throne of my life.

I know I can never relate to people the same way because I see how broken it is.

When we were married, I met 7 of the 9 criteria for BPD. I got better with some of these over time, but I was still dealing with the disorder.

Now that I have had two months alone, I have looked at the symptoms again and tried to determine if I could still be classified as BPD.

What's interesting is that this separation has rocked me to the core and I thought my BPD would flare up MORE. It hasn't. In fact, I haven't had any anger towards my wife OR towards myself. She made the right decision to leave (with intent to reconcile in time) and I didn't make her out to be the "bad guy." At the same time, I am not beating myself up for what I've done. I understand and it is my goal to get better.

Knowing God better than ever, my self-image is fine. I know who I am in Him. I'm not doing anything impulsive other than taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually to the best of my ability. There is no destructive behavior.

Is it possible for a shock to the system like separation to knock BPD right out of a person? If it is truly a behavioral disorder that can be learned, have I just unlearned it due to the trauma of the separation?

My wife never wants to deal with my BPD again and I can't say I blame her. Neither do I.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks for having me here...

PJ

 

[madison1101]

My BPD went away after my husband left me. I got sober, and got rid of most of the criterion. Unfortunately, drinking again, brought it back in full force. I hope you are in therapy, and are working on the thoughts and behavior changes, so that they can be a permanent part of your being. I have been in therapy for 21 years, and would not be half as normal as I am without it.

God bless.

Trish

 

[OlaOlala]

Dear PJ,

in a church I like to go to we pray for God to break our suffering brothers and sisters so that they can get up again and feel His love like never before. I think you are at that point. I'm sorry for your loss. However I also believe that this has the potential to be the great turning point of your life.

I have BPD with histrionic tendencies and I see in your post a potential parallel of my life and marriage (I am engaged). If anything does happen that my future husband will be forced to leave me ... I hope I will take it as well as you.

Hugs and blessings,

Ola.