BPD fellowship thread

Daysoni said:

Therasasjourney, I'm feeling the same way. Sometimes it takes all I have to step out side and to go to work. I must tell you that you have a twin on the Oregon Coast. I saw your profile picture a while back and in just the last week I have seen someone that looks so much like you. Hugs and Prayers Daysoni

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Soulwings said:

/me runs in and hugs everyone.

Things on my end are going alright.
I'm on Day 3.
And man, am I ready for summer to be here!

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Soulwings said:

The third day since I last self injured (cut).
Today is day 4.

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Soulwings said:

Aww thanks

Has anyone else experienced how all SIers are generally pushed towards BPD, since it is the only mental disorder that recognises SI as a symptom?

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Soulwings said:

Does anyone here ever get that empty feeling (as I mentioned above), like a black hole inside of you? Its there now, and although this sounds really weird if you havent experienced it, its as if its pulling everything good away, so there isnt anything left but self hate, anger, disgust, self loathing. Right between my shoulders is where its centered. And its making me feel so ... lost. Empty. Except for that fire of negative thoughts.

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madison1101 said:

Hi all. I just discovered this forum. I was diagnosed with BPD in 1989, at the age of 32. I have been in therapy with the same psychologist since then. I have also gotten divorced because my ex just couldn't handle life with a borderline, even though I improved dramatically.

After my divorce, I went back to grad school and got my Masters in Social Work to become a therapist myself. I have also gotten sober, and been in treatment for binge eating disorder.

I just want to tell everyone that there is hope for relief. Prayer, accountability to another Christian woman, and a really good therapist are key in my recovery. Just last week, my therapist told me he is changing my diagnosis to Personality Disorder NOS, with borderline features. Progress not perfection is my goal.

Hugs,
Trish

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jess144 said:

Hello everyone!

I occasionally post on the depression forum, but I think that this place might be more appropriate for me. I have never officially been diagnosed with borderline, but when I read the description of it, it matches up so much with how I feel (especially inner emptiness and lack of identity) that I can't help but believe that this is what I am struggling with. In high school I felt so competent and able...I had a 4.0 gpa, was elected homecoming queen, student of the year, and athlete of the year (all in my senior year). But I was also struggling with bulimia and depression. And now 6 years later, I am starting to feel defeated by life. I was psychiatrically hospitalized 3 weeks ago for suicidal thoughts and I quit my job while in the hospital (I had been working for a non-profit mental health agency for 18 months). I am feeling a lot better now, but I think that it is because I haven't been going to work and don't have the stress there.
I have a hard time sustaining friendships or romantic relationships because I feel like I never developed a "self". I can relate on the superficial level (can be friendly and humorous), but when it comes to getting personal, I feel very stunted because I feel like I don't have a self to share (likes, dislikes, feelings, passions, etc.). I can get really self-absorbed sometimes and feel sorry for myself about this (sometimes I feel like a prank has been played on me...like God made me to look like a normal person on the outside and then he forgot to put something in the inside).
Okay, I've written way too much. I really just wanted to post a request for prayer. Today I came home and felt really lonely. Instead of turning to God, though, I ended up turning to internet pornography to distract me. Then I went and made myself throw up. these are two addictions that I have struggled with in the past and I don't want start again. Please please pray that God would give me extra grace and mercy during this time and that instead of giving in to self-pity and doing these things, that I would seek God? Please pm me if you have prayer requests also. I want to start being more "others-focussed" in my prayers.

Jessica

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lmarie23 said:

Jessica,

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I was such an overachiever in high school - my GPA was over a 4.0 because of all the honors classes I took, I was so involved in musical ensembles and extra-curriculars. Then in college I had to take time off because of hospitalization and struggles with mental illness.

My counselor told me this analogy one day. He said a pastor held up a new $20 bill for his congregation. THe pastor said, who wants this? Everyone in the congregation raised their hands. Then the pastor took the dollar bill and crumpled it up. He held it up again. "Who wants this?" he asked. Everyone still raised their hands. Then the pastor took the dollar bill and put it under his food and crumpled it some more. It even started to tear a little. He held it up. "Who wants this?" Everyone still raised their hands. No matter what happens to you, your worth does not change. You are still the same person you were in high school, though maybe you don't feel the same. I needed to hear that, maybe it helps for you to hear it as well.

I struggle with addictions too. When I'm feeling sad and lonely, I fall into them. I don't feel comfortable sharing them on the board yet, but I'll pm you.

About not feeling like you have a self... sometimes I feel like my self is so inextricably tied in with my mental illnesses... like who am i apart from the illnesses and struggles that i have? i can name interests that i have, and passions that i have, but those are superficial things. i've been meeting with a woman lately who wants me to realize that my identity is found only in Christ. that's who i really am - a precious child of God. have you ever thought of that as being your true identity, and going from there?

love your sister in Christ,

Lynne

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