Boyfriend Struggles

[Jess1]

Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting like this. I'd just really like some advice or help in my current relationship issues.
I have had a boyfriend for over 9 months who I love very much. We are hoping to get married sometime in the next few years. However, recently a couple of issues have cropped up which are negatively affecting our relationship.

The first is his recently confiding in me that he used to be sex-obsessed (and touch lots and even watch inappropriate content). I'm glad he confided in me, and also proud of him for defeating the sin in himself. It's been 2 years since then, so I know I shouldn't worry, but I'm still a bit stressed about possible impacts of this when we get married.

The other issue is one that's been surprisingly more impactful - about my boyfriend's facial hair. There are several parts to this argument, but the short of it is that I want him to have stubble/short beard, but he doesn't.

I have a belief that isn't shared by many people, that Christians shouldn't shave our hair, wear makeup, get tattoos, etc, to honour the natural way that God created up. My boyfriend disagrees with this, saying that God gave us a choice and we can be grateful for our freedom. They're both beliefs that conflict with each other a lot, and I don't see any way that we could both be right.

In addition to my belief, I also find my boyfriend more attractive with some stubble. I have struggled with a serious lack of sex drive for most of my past (in stark contrast to my boyfriend) and being sexually attracted to him is pretty important if I'm going to marry him. And I am attracted to him - when he has stubble.

However, my boyfriend absolutely hates having facial hair. He shaves every 2 days and the longest he's gone without shaving was 10 days on a camp where he forgot to pack a razor (which I was there for and I loved).

He knows I "prefer" facial hair, though he doesn't understand how big an issue this is for me. When I tried to bring it up recently, he started crying because he couldn't stand the idea of getting facial hair, even though he knows it's something that's really important to him.

I don't know what to do in this scenario. We've spoken about it a bit since then, but overall it's all had a serious negative impact on our otherwise-great relationship.
I'm sorry that this is such a long email. I'm very worried about this, and I don't really know how to act or what to say because we've never had an issue like this before (regardless of disagreements in the past). I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things.

Thanks for reading

 

[mukk_in]

Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting like this. I'd just really like some advice or help in my current relationship issues.
I have had a boyfriend for over 9 months who I love very much. We are hoping to get married sometime in the next few years. However, recently a couple of issues have cropped up which are negatively affecting our relationship.

The first is his recently confiding in me that he used to be sex-obsessed (and touch lots and even watch inappropriate content). I'm glad he confided in me, and also proud of him for defeating the sin in himself. It's been 2 years since then, so I know I shouldn't worry, but I'm still a bit stressed about possible impacts of this when we get married.

The other issue is one that's been surprisingly more impactful - about my boyfriend's facial hair. There are several parts to this argument, but the short of it is that I want him to have stubble/short beard, but he doesn't.

I have a belief that isn't shared by many people, that Christians shouldn't shave our hair, wear makeup, get tattoos, etc, to honour the natural way that God created up. My boyfriend disagrees with this, saying that God gave us a choice and we can be grateful for our freedom. They're both beliefs that conflict with each other a lot, and I don't see any way that we could both be right.

In addition to my belief, I also find my boyfriend more attractive with some stubble. I have struggled with a serious lack of sex drive for most of my past (in stark contrast to my boyfriend) and being sexually attracted to him is pretty important if I'm going to marry him. And I am attracted to him - when he has stubble.

However, my boyfriend absolutely hates having facial hair. He shaves every 2 days and the longest he's gone without shaving was 10 days on a camp where he forgot to pack a razor (which I was there for and I loved).

He knows I "prefer" facial hair, though he doesn't understand how big an issue this is for me. When I tried to bring it up recently, he started crying because he couldn't stand the idea of getting facial hair, even though he knows it's something that's really important to him.

I don't know what to do in this scenario. We've spoken about it a bit since then, but overall it's all had a serious negative impact on our otherwise-great relationship.
I'm sorry that this is such a long email. I'm very worried about this, and I don't really know how to act or what to say because we've never had an issue like this before (regardless of disagreements in the past). I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things.

Thanks for reading

Not to trivialize, but I feel that you two love each other very much. That should be more than enough to overcome the two issues you just mentioned. I'm no expert on these matters, but talk to an older or middle-age couple in your church or here. You guys will do fine. God bless .

 

[OK Jeff]

I will guarantee you, let the relationship progress, keep telling him you like facial hair, after you’re married, let him know it turns you on, he will comply. I often joke, after 14 years married, what I look like is her concern, not mine. But there is a certain amount of truth to this. I have certain parameters of what I will wear, but the fine details are entirely up to her. I have wanted to grow a full beard many times, but my wife hates it. So I stay with the goatee. My appearance is always meant to be pleasing to her. He will come around to this in time. Truly this is a minuscule problem

 

[Ancient of Days]

If these problems aren't resolved BEFORE marriage they will fester and grow and can be a huge issue down the road. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Lets take it a step deeper to see what the real issues are.

"It's been 2 years since then, so I know I shouldn't worry, but I'm still a bit stressed about possible impacts of this when we get married."

That's a trust issue. He has told you he has overcome. You have two choices at this point. You can either believe and trust him at his word, or not. Based on your response you don't sound 100% convinced that this is behind him. To be in a healthy relationship it takes an act of vulnerability which is also trust, to make things work. And the opposite of that is a fear of being hurt or "having my trust betrayed" or betrayal. Sounds like you may have a fear of: "Him relapsing into inappropriate content and masturbation" Again, we can ONLY go by what others tell us to be true and at that point we have to TRUST that what they are saying is TRUE.

"In addition to my belief, I also find my boyfriend more attractive with some stubble. I have struggled with a serious lack of sex drive for most of my past (in stark contrast to my boyfriend) and being sexually attracted to him is pretty important if I'm going to marry him. And I am attracted to him - when he has stubble."

Sounds like you are understanding what you like and dislike in a person. You again have two choices. Learn to like it the way he likes it or not. If you two can find a compromise on this that may be beneficial to all involved. However it doesn't sound like he may budge on this one. Can you live with this for the rest of your days? If you are not sexually attracted to him the way he likes to appear then you should probably move on. When I was dating I had a list of ten things that the woman had to possess before I would even consider a second date. I would know in the first half hour of the date if she had them. This was me being HONEST with myself and knowing what I could live with and what I could not live with.

"They're both beliefs that conflict with each other a lot, and I don't see any way that we could both be right."

You guys have conflicting beliefs. If your core beliefs aren't in alignment BEFORE marriage you may be headed towards disaster. Relationships take work. It takes compromise from both sides involved. I would challenge both of you to write down three things that you do not like about the other person then sit down and discuss them to try and reach common ground. There is an old saying "be true to thyself" which means DONT lie to yourself and tell yourself I can live with this when deep in your heart you know you cant. Try these three things on your first list.

1. I am fearful of you relapsing into inappropriate content and masturbation. Which will be adultery if we are married and I am afraid it will destroy our relationship. This will take a huge amount of trust on my part. I am afraid of being hurt.

2. Its not so much the facial hair but the fact that "being sexually attracted to you is pretty important to me" but it doesn't seem to be important to you. How do we resolve this?

3. Lets dig deep to resolve our conflicting beliefs. Lets find resolution if we are going to take our relationship further.

 

[shrinking_violet]

I'm a firm believer that in matters of disagreements, that it's impossible to make someone change their mind. You can only present your best reasoning for why you hold your position and why it's important to you, and give the other person space to change their own mind their own self. You might disagree and think that there's gotta be some way to convince him that you're right, but if that were the case, then wouldn't he be able to do the same to you? Is there anything he could say that could make you find hairless men sexually attractive? Are there words that could convince you to crank up your libido to sex-obsessed level? If you can't be convinced, then I doubt he can be either.

Instead of changing him, change yourself. I don't know you, so I can't tell you whether it's better to break up with your bf or to make peace with his hairlessness. But I think you know you well enough to know if you're willing to quietly put up with your boyfriend's hairless body for the rest of your life. Can you imagine tolerating it for a year without saying anything more about it that will make him cry? What about 5 years? 20? Can you imagine yourself learning to love other aspects about him and finding those sexually attractive instead? It's ok if you can't. (It's ok if you can.) But if that is the case, then dump him. Find someone with stubble. You're allowed to have whatever dealbreakers you want.