Boundaries and consequences

[WrightWife]

Well, it had been a great couple of months. When I returned to my husband in March, he was picure perfect and seemed to have gotten the message that his poor behavior wasn't acceptable anymore. But that all seemed to change in late April/May. I returned to counseling alone and have recently decided to focus on shedding the "victim" mentality and gently asserting he treat me as an equal.

With that, I'm looking for examples on how boundaries and consequences work in your marriage.

For instance, if you and your spouse agree to stick to your budget but your spouse continually over spends. How do you deal with their unwillingess to stick with your agreement?

Or if you've both agreed to not allow verbal abuse into your relationship/arguments yet your spouse does so anyway.

Or if you've agreed to split the chores and your spouse continually doesn't keep their end of the chores.

Sometimes, my husband doesn't respect agreements we make together or simply over rides my opinions/wishes. And while I do communicate my frustration and hurt, he doensn't change his actions. In fact his suggestion to correct my hurt often lies in his absolving an responsibility got his actions. I've read a few books on setting boundaries but they don't seem to work. He's refused to see a counselor and I've released my desire to change him or make him go to counseling. In other words, I'm only focused on changing how I react to him in the hopes that he will understand I deserve respect and will not be bullied or ignored.

He doesn't respond to me becoming upset or feeling hurt by his actions. Calmly relaying my frustration doesn't get any change in actions either. When he feels I'm at my breaking point (and he fears I will leave again), he will make modest attempts to appease me. I don't think he realizes my breaking point is at a tenth of where it was before I left. There's gotta be a way to get him to see waiting till he's afraid I'll leave is too late to change.

I think my husband is depressed and has poor stress management and communicative skills. But that is not an excuse to abuse me. I want to express my demand to be respected in a constructive and Christian manner.

TIA

 

[Momma2H]

Well, in this situation, I think it'd be best to do everything right on your end and just leave it in God's hands. Just pray for your husband to change and realize how he's hurting you. I think at this point, that's all you really can do. Trust me, God can work miracles in any marriage. He just needs to know you have faith in Him to do so. I really wish you the best of luck and may the Lord be with you guys!

 

[WrightWife]

Thank you. I have been praying and studying the 'Power of a Praying Wife" workbook. I have taken this to God and I ask daily for the strength and faith to leave it in His hands. I know I cannot change my husband. Only he and God can. Thanks for your support.

 

[Carri20]

For instance, if you and your spouse agree to stick to your budget but your spouse continually over spends. How do you deal with their unwillingess to stick with your agreement?

I would let him know I'm unhappy about it, but I wouldn't attempt to withdraw from him or "punish" him in any way.

Same with the other examples.

Remember, you can't change your husband. Just love and respect him.

Something that doesn't seem to make sense... First you said "...I've released my desire to change him or make him go to counseling. In other words, I'm only focused on changing how I react to him in the hopes that he will understand I deserve respect and will not be bullied or ignored." But a little later you said "There's gotta be a way to get him to see waiting till he's afraid I'll leave is too late to change." It sounds like you're still focusing on him changing, which may or may not happen (and probably won't from what you said). You were on the right track when you talked about changing your own reactions. My advice would be to stick with that. Make sure you're in alignment with scripture, being the best wife you can be according to God's design, and like I said before just love and respect him. That's all you have power to do.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Carri20]

Whoops, my post may have come too late. It seems you're doing alright now. That's great.

 

[MaraPetra]

When I returned to my husband in March, he was picure perfect and seemed to have gotten the message that his poor behavior wasn't acceptable anymore. But that all seemed to change in late April/May.

He reverted back to old behavior after a period of time for a reason. In his promise to change to get your back, he neglected to make that change in himself permanent. It's an unfortunate fact that spouses who display abusive tendencies will promise you the sun, moon and stars to get you back. Then once you're there, the old habits continue. He "has" you again, and he has neither changed nor realized that his actions are harming you.

It's easier to go back to old habits than it is to actually implement a personal change. What are his consequences for reverting back to his old behavior? If there's little to none (or the same consequences as when you two were together the first time), then perhaps you and your therapist need to cover ways in which your responding behavior to your husband is a bit more productive.

For instance, if you and your spouse agree to stick to your budget but your spouse continually over spends. How do you deal with their unwillingess to stick with your agreement?

With my husband, it's finally come down to a matter of how I disburse the money. Time and again, he's ovespent and basically murdered our budget. He admitted he had a problem, but also admitted he's incapable of controlling himself. He's a man with a spending addiction, and he knows it. It's sad that he has neither the willpower, nor the motivation, to control himself.

Once I took control over the finances (and I HAD to do this!), I made sure the bank account we both used has enough money for the bills, and a little bit left over. Any extras, I put in a savings account in my name only. If he needs money to pay for something, I write him a single check out of our bank account, and I never, ever, give him a blank check! The reasoning behind this is simple...If he has no access to it, he can't spend it.

I had to sit him down and explain to him that the money in the savings account isn't being saved for me to leave, and it isn't there for me to abuse. I want us both to be good stewards of what God has given us. Therefore, since he can't control himself in this area, it's best to remove his temptation completely.

I do give him a set amount of money for spending, but once that's gone, he's out of luck until the next "payday" for him rolls around.

Was he mad at me for this arrangement? Yes, he highly resented it at first. I had to explain to him that, in order for us to be able to get better things later in life, we need to be frugal now. His resentment vanished when he realized how much I had saved up in a short amount of time. Of course, I'm sure he's spending his time fantasizing about the motorcycle or whatever that he'll be able to afford in a few months' time. The ultimate beauty of the situation is that the money won't be released unless we both agree on how it is used.

When you approach this subject, it's best to stress the benefits for both of you, and to point out that better things come to those who wait and don't spend.

Or, this may be one of those cases where you don't tell him that the savings account exists. That's a personal call of judgment.

Or if you've both agreed to not allow verbal abuse into your relationship/arguments yet your spouse does so anyway.

As you know from past experience, verbal abuse chips away at your self-esteem, causes anxiety...And it hurts coming from someone who has promised to love you, and whom you love in return.

A method I've used is to simply say, "Whatever", in a very calm, almost bored voice, then follow it up with, "But those kinds of words don't solve the problem of (the trash not being dumped, the bank account bouncing, etc.)..." Name the issue at hand objectively, and don't use accusing words or tones. Try to be as objective and unemotional as possible.

You're right. You can't control what he does, but you can control your reaction to him. Please keep in mind that, if verbal abuse is one of the things that have made you have an emotional reaction in the past, then he will continue to use this method. By removing his "reward" of seeing you get upset or sidetracked from the conversation at hand, it may actually cause him to use this method less, or abandon it completely. But beware, because he will begin to push other buttons in order to get a rise out of you.

Or if you've agreed to split the chores and your spouse continually doesn't keep their end of the chores.

I really wish I had some grand, thought-provoking advice for this situation. Other than dumping the overflowing garbage on his side of the bed, I can't think of anything that would get the message across to him.

Have you tried writing out a chore list for both of you, and placing it in a visible place? On the fridge, for instance. Sometimes, a written reminder works better than constantly nagging.

Sometimes, my husband doesn't respect agreements we make together or simply over rides my opinions/wishes. And while I do communicate my frustration and hurt, he doensn't change his actions. In fact his suggestion to correct my hurt often lies in his absolving an responsibility got his actions.

So, in other words, he hasn't really changed at all from when you left him the first time. He's still blaming you for his actions, and saying the consequences are yours to bear.

May I ask (without being too sharp here) what going back to him has ultimately accomplished?

I've read a few books on setting boundaries but they don't seem to work. He's refused to see a counselor and I've released my desire to change him or make him go to counseling. In other words, I'm only focused on changing how I react to him in the hopes that he will understand I deserve respect and will not be bullied or ignored.

Perhaps now would be the time to insist on a counselor for him. He's proven by his actions that he won't change willingly, and that you will continue to suffer because of it. You're able to insulate your heart against most of what he does, but things still hurt.

You're noticing that he's escalating with destructive behavior again. The escalation will continue, simply because boundaries in this case aren't enough. There almost has to be consequences for him to change.

When he feels I'm at my breaking point (and he fears I will leave again), he will make modest attempts to appease me. I don't think he realizes my breaking point is at a tenth of where it was before I left. There's gotta be a way to get him to see waiting till he's afraid I'll leave is too late to change.

Ahhh...Light bulb moment!

Here is an actual action/consequence sequence that works! If he thinks you'll leave, he'll try to change...Then goes right back to old behavior again.

Wrightwife, sweetie, I can remember following your original post regarding your leaving your husband, and you were prayed for then. Prayer works miracles, but they take time.

Because your presence in his home is "rewarding" for your husband, you may want to just tell him that either marriage counseling MUST be done by him, or that you're gone.

By refusing counseling, he's refusing to change. But by refusing to change, he's dragging you back into the situation which made you leave him in the first place.

Remember, at the beginning of this long post, where you pointed out that the old behaviors were starting again? Now, ask yourself something...

You've noticed that he hasn't changed, but you have. It's very apparent in your words here that God's touched your heart greatly in those sufferings.

Would your marriage be worth keeping if he started working on himself, and on the marriage? Then, you need to get him to get help. Just as a marriage is made up of two people, it takes two people to repair it.

If only one person is making the effort, then the effort is already doomed to failure.

praying for you

 

[WrightWife]

perhaps you and your therapist need to cover ways in which your responding behavior to your husband is a bit more productive = We have but because he won't come see her as well, she was at a loss of specific ways so I thought I'd ask here. She did suggest being less emotional and refuse to play the *** for tat.

Once I took control over the finances (and I HAD to do this!), I made sure the bank account we both used has enough money for the bills, and a little bit left over. Any extras, I put in a savings account in my name only. If he needs money to pay for something, I write him a single check out of our bank account, and I never, ever, give him a blank check! The reasoning behind this is simple...If he has no access to it, he can't spend it.

I had to sit him down and explain to him that the money in the savings account isn't being saved for me to leave, and it isn't there for me to abuse. I want us both to be good stewards of what God has given us. Therefore, since he can't control himself in this area, it's best to remove his temptation completely.

I do give him a set amount of money for spending, but once that's gone, he's out of luck until the next "payday" for him rolls around.

Was he mad at me for this arrangement? Yes, he highly resented it at first. I had to explain to him that, in order for us to be able to get better things later in life, we need to be frugal now. His resentment vanished when he realized how much I had saved up in a short amount of time. Of course, I'm sure he's spending his time fantasizing about the motorcycle or whatever that he'll be able to afford in a few months' time. The ultimate beauty of the situation is that the money won't be released unless we both agree on how it is used.

When you approach this subject, it's best to stress the benefits for both of you, and to point out that better things come to those who wait and don't spend.

Or, this may be one of those cases where you don't tell him that the savings account exists. That's a personal call of judgment. I am very close to moving towards this type of arrangement. I already manage all of our finances but he seems to use his debit card w/o remembering what he buys nor does he tell me. I'll check our account and then see xx amt of money gone. Having a seperate account would keep me from having to shaveour grocery money to balance our account.

A method I've used is to simply say, "Whatever", in a very calm, almost bored voice, then follow it up with, "But those kinds of words don't solve the problem of (the trash not being dumped, the bank account bouncing, etc.)..." Name the issue at hand objectively, and don't use accusing words or tones. Try to be as objective and unemotional as possible.

You're right. You can't control what he does, but you can control your reaction to him. Please keep in mind that, if verbal abuse is one of the things that have made you have an emotional reaction in the past, then he will continue to use this method. By removing his "reward" of seeing you get upset or sidetracked from the conversation at hand, it may actually cause him to use this method less, or abandon it completely. But beware, because he will begin to push other buttons in order to get a rise out of you. See first answer.


Have you tried writing out a chore list for both of you, and placing it in a visible place? On the fridge, for instance. Sometimes, a written reminder works better than constantly nagging. We have a written chore list but he'll find any excuse as to why he didn't get his done.

He's still blaming you for his actions, and saying the consequences are yours to bear. Exactly!

May I ask (without being too sharp here) what going back to him has ultimately accomplished? Well, until late April, he was intentional about communicating and being budget conscious. He also had a open, and respectful tone in his actions and conflict resolution. He was still going to church and praying with me nightly. We even had a weekly friday timeout meeting to discuss any sensitive or touchy subjects that either one of us felt uncomfortable to discuss otherwise. He helped out around the house even before the chore deadline (we had to set a date so we were both clear on when they should be completed). He was genuinely concerned about my feelings and his treatment of me.This all changed after he went away for training in late April and he's denied/blamed me for any changes since.


You've noticed that he hasn't changed, but you have. It's very apparent in your words here that God's touched your heart greatly in those sufferings. God has definately worked wonders in my heart. Before I was mad and stressed out over his actions. I'm no longer mad, I'm unsatisfied and I let down bc I know he is capable of treating me just like God intended (and how he did BEFORE we got married). God has given me a spirit of hope and clear thinking. He's given me peace of mind and required me to take a more active stance in our marriage.

Would your marriage be worth keeping if he started working on himself, and on the marriage? Then, you need to get him to get help. Just as a marriage is made up of two people, it takes two people to repair it. This is what my counselor said (this is the same counselor he went to while I was away). I gree totally. But I cannot force him to go. I have explained why I think he needs to go but he'll make an appt and then cancel.


Because your presence in his home is "rewarding" for your husband, you may want to just tell him that either marriage counseling MUST be done by him, or that you're gone. This is a possibility but I'm afraid that if my only response to him not going to counseling/changing his behavior is that I leave, we won't have a marriage. Not to mention we have little savings right now and don't have anywhere to go other than home (which is 1100 miles away). What if he decides he's not going to counseling after I leave again? I'm pretty sure he won't divorce me bc he's got to much pride. Then I'm really stuck. I know being at home can be seen as accepting his behavior but leaving everytime his behavior gets abusive isn't a viable option either and it may cause him to just become more stubborn.

 

[WrightWife]

Something that doesn't seem to make sense... First you said "...I've released my desire to change him or make him go to counseling. In other words, I'm only focused on changing how I react to him in the hopes that he will understand I deserve respect and will not be bullied or ignored." But a little later you said "There's gotta be a way to get him to see waiting till he's afraid I'll leave is too late to change." It sounds like you're still focusing on him changing, which may or may not happen (and probably won't from what you said). You were on the right track when you talked about changing your own reactions. My advice would be to stick with that. Make sure you're in alignment with scripture, being the best wife you can be according to God's design, and like I said before just love and respect him. That's all you have power to do.

Good luck and God bless.

I know I cannot change him. But by changing my reaction, I hope to change his behavior. That doesn't mean I focusing on him changing me other than to stop verbally abusing me. In no way shape or form is that acceptable in mine or God's eyes.

 

[MaraPetra]

Well, regardless, you're stuck because of the vows you made. You're committed to making the marriage work, but you're having a lot of problems with being treated like a human being, sweetie. It's not bad to be committed to your spouse...What's bad in your situation is that your husband is neither loving you, nor respecting you. God's plan of marriage only works when both partners are committed to God...If one spouse isn't following Him, then the other spouse suffers greatly.

What you're currently experiencing is, unfortunately, a very real cycle. I know, it doesn't seem like psychology would predict any individual person's actions, but you'd be amazed at how many women find themselves in exactly the situation you are in...Right down to the leaving, going back, and having everything return right back to misery after a few months. As it plays out, things escalate, and the woman starts leaving after she gets her face bashed in, or she gets raped by her own spouse, or she's beaten so badly that she ends up in a hospital ER, or she's so emotionally beaten down that she's almost suicidal.

Think back to the last time you left. If I remember correctly, he was in denial, then he was so angry that he was threatening you & withholding support, then he started bargaining for you to come back once you sicced the military on him. Those are "grief stages", but exactly what was he grieving? The loss of you? The loss of control over you? The embarrassment of having his CO know that he was treating you unfairly? Or maybe it was the shattering of what he thought was the perfect life, verbal abuse, docile wife and all? These are questions you need to answer in your own mind.

The military's a very rough life; my husband is ex-Army, my father was Army, and my older brother was a jarhead. Part of their training is psychological. It has to be that way, because those men and women are exposed to atrocities that we can only imagine here in civvie life. That's why you have that uproar going on in Iraq regarding Iraqi civvies being killed by GI's; over time, you get to a point that you don't view any Iraqis as "human". You're trained to look after your buddies, but first and foremost you try to keep your own skin intact.

In short, the military training doesn't exactly foster warm, fuzzy feelings. Throw in his narcissism, and I can completely understand why your husband came back from his training with a new, nasty attitude.

BUT, this doesn't solve your immediate problem, which is the sad fact that things are more or less what they were when you finally walked out the first time.

The point of a separation is for each party to work on their own issues without the distraction of fights with the spouse. It's scary to see that you two have only been married a year, and already a separation and major counseling was necessary. Unless those issues are completely worked out, with enough time given so that the other spouse can prove his willingness to change and remain changed, then you will continue to have problems of this magnitude, and I'm very sorry to add that those problems will get worse over time.

Make a complete counseling program, from start to finish, mandatory before you return. Some couples make the mistake of getting back together before that counseling's done, and the result is exactly your situation since you've returned.

I give a word of warning, though. If you go back to the marriage bed before he completes his counseling, then you will be returning to exactly what you have right now. Again, it goes back to consequences and cycles. If you return when he's in the bargaining stage again, then he will learn only that, if he whines long and hard enough, you will return and take your abuse like a good wife. If you're looking at this new marriage to survive many years, then right now is the time to get those boundaries set, and those consequences severe enough, that he will find it in his best interest to treat you like a daughter of Zion, instead of treating you like dirt.

Finally, I've got a question for you. What do you think will happen if you leave again? Now, pray against those dark images that are flooding your mind, and pray that God makes a way for your marriage to be restored.

Anyways, think about what I'm saying, and bring it to your counselor at your next session. Right now, you are suffering because your spouse makes bad decisions regarding his wife and his life. I pray that you are strong enough to break this cycle before you become just another DV (domestic violence) statistic.

 

[SweetSerenity]

"In other words, I'm only focused on changing how I react to him in the hopes that he will understand I deserve respect and will not be bullied or ignored......"

I took this sentence out of your post...because it is still about him. Dear, I have been there. I need to change me so I can be happy no matter what he does without expectation; then the holy spirit can do whatever He wants with me and my husband. On days I can do that I take much better care of myself. I do not tolerate unacceptable behavior and whats more I don't INVITE IT. I had it pointed out that my husband was not treating other people the way he was treating me....and guess what? my welcome mats all said "dump yer garbage here"..... I love the FIVE G's::: Give him to God, Get out of his way, Get off his back, Get into God and Go be of service. Funny when I stopped making every thought about my husband he noticed something was different and starting changing. Before that, all my efforts really were about him and saving our marriage,,,,it seemed like the right thing to do....but it just created this crazy imbalance and kept us on treadmill doing the same old things. As for all this negotiating about boundaries (I blame OPRAH who has made us all think we have to analyze and fix ourselves and our families---end of soapbox)......anywho....the negotiating is where you cheat yourself. I had to start taking responsibility by asking for what I want accepting the answer yes or no...and then getting it for myself. That is one behavior that got his attention. Its very hard for me to stop mothering my husband....I have a natural tendency to fix it and tolerate all sorts of things I would never tolerate from another friend.....so I pray about it. I do the best I can to say what I mean without being mean and to keep it simple... I don't renegotiate. If my husband is not reliable in certain areas I go some place else to meet those needs (not intimacy I am talking bill paying, fixing things, being on time). I don't expect him to be any different than he is. HOpe that helps....
Last I found out I was m issing out on the gifts he did have to offer because I was so focused on what he WAS not doing.

 

[WrightWife]

The point of a separation is for each party to work on their own issues without the distraction of fights with the spouse. It's scary to see that you two have only been married a year, and already a separation and major counseling was necessary. Unless those issues are completely worked out, with enough time given so that the other spouse can prove his willingness to change and remain changed, then you will continue to have problems of this magnitude, and I'm very sorry to add that those problems will get worse over time.

Make a complete counseling program, from start to finish, mandatory before you return. Some couples make the mistake of getting back together before that counseling's done, and the result is exactly your situation since you've returned.

I give a word of warning, though. If you go back to the marriage bed before he completes his counseling, then you will be returning to exactly what you have right now. Again, it goes back to consequences and cycles. If you return when he's in the bargaining stage again, then he will learn only that, if he whines long and hard enough, you will return and take your abuse like a good wife. If you're looking at this new marriage to survive many years, then right now is the time to get those boundaries set, and those consequences severe enough, that he will find it in his best interest to treat you like a daughter of Zion, instead of treating you like dirt.

Finally, I've got a question for you. What do you think will happen if you leave again? Now, pray against those dark images that are flooding your mind, and pray that God makes a way for your marriage to be restored.

I love it when God works in mysterious ways. I met a woman a few months ago who decided to take me under her wings. She knows about everything and on Thursday she offered to give me a set of keys to her place to use whenever I needed. She also said I could move what ever things I needed and for as long as needed. I have moved all my important paperwork to her house and plan to use this resource if the time comes. DH is away at training at the moment so leaving now would have little effect. Thank God! I've told my counselor many times that this is a cycle I refuse to participate in any longer and I was aware of the escalation. She has downplayed my my analysis.

It has twice been misinterpreted that my changing is all about him. In the sense that I won't be abused any longer, yes that's about him. But my changes are for me to heal from the past and recieve all that God has for me. And I believe that includes no abuse from my husband. With that said, if he doesn't change. My change was not in vain. Bc it was to make me a better person. NOT HIM. His change is a by product. I may not have made this clear in my first post.

 

[MaraPetra]

I smiled when I read about your friend. God makes a way possible when everything seems impossible!

Opinions are like anuses...Everyone has one, and not everyone takes Gas-X. Thus, you'll occasionally get hot air on here that leaves a stink in your nostrils.

Seriously, each person's walk with God is their own, but a married couple's considered ONE. God uses the situations of each of us, regardless of whether the situation is good or bad, and brings us to a place that both builds our character and brings us closer to Him. Whenever I'm asked why God "lets things happen" to us, my reply is thus: "JOB". God literally gave satan permission to torture Job! But notice, God did NOT torture Job Himself, nor did He leave Job to suffer forever. In the end, Job's faith was rewarded. And even though the faith of Job's wife wavered ("Why don't you curse God and die?"), Job's wife was ultimately rewarded for Job's faith as well! So it is with us.

So, I honestly can't say that this is "all about you", because I know it isn't. It's all about "US", as in, you and your husband. It's funny how, in an abuse situation, one person can go on like nothing's wrong, and the other person suffers. It's like observing a person with a cancer on the left hand, and a healthy right hand. Even though one is functioning, the other one is dying. And even though it's just one hand, the whole body is considered sick. Such is your situation. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Keep your eyes on God, because He will ultimately reward your faith and bless you both.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I love it when God works in mysterious ways. I met a woman a few months ago who decided to take me under her wings. She knows about everything and on Thursday she offered to give me a set of keys to her place to use whenever I needed. She also said I could move what ever things I needed and for as long as needed. I have moved all my important paperwork to her house and plan to use this resource if the time comes. DH is away at training at the moment so leaving now would have little effect. Thank God! I've told my counselor many times that this is a cycle I refuse to participate in any longer and I was aware of the escalation. She has downplayed my my analysis.

It has twice been misinterpreted that my changing is all about him. In the sense that I won't be abused any longer, yes that's about him. But my changes are for me to heal from the past and recieve all that God has for me. And I believe that includes no abuse from my husband. With that said, if he doesn't change. My change was not in vain. Bc it was to make me a better person. NOT HIM. His change is a by product. I may not have made this clear in my first post.

Any change you make should be about your marriage because you and your husband are one in God's eyes. It sounds like your husband works full time and you control the money he makes. This is a huge concession on his part. Do you ever think you may be treating him like a child instead of following his lead as your husband?

I don't know what he did to abuse you but I don't see how secretly preparing to leave him or being controlling of him is helpful in changing him for the better. It is likely he picks up on those vibes and becomes resentful of you.

 

[WrightWife]

Opinions are like anuses...Everyone has one, and not everyone takes Gas-X. Thus, you'll occasionally get hot air on here that leaves a stink in your nostrils.

So, I honestly can't say that this is "all about you", because I know it isn't. It's all about "US", as in, you and your husband. It's funny how, in an abuse situation, one person can go on like nothing's wrong, and the other person suffers. It's like observing a person with a cancer on the left hand, and a healthy right hand. Even though one is functioning, the other one is dying. And even though it's just one hand, the whole body is considered sick. Such is your situation. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Keep your eyes on God, because He will ultimately reward your faith and bless you both.

autumleaf....it seems you have made a few assumptions and conclusions that aren't based on reality. This is ok bc I posted this and asked for input. But I am neither controlling the money "he" makes, secretly preparing to leave nor controlling him. Your advice makes perfect sense in a marriage with no history or current abuse. But since that's not the case in my marriage, I thank you for your opinion and suggestions.

Marapetra.....thank you so much for your support and advice. In some ways I already knew the answer to my probem was to use the only thing that seems to affect his actions (that being leaving again if needed) but bc I didn't want to face that again nor did I have anywhere to go. My leaving again wouldn't be punishment or vindictive on my part. It would be self preserving. And may the a way to save my marriage. My first committment is to God. Thanks for helping me "think aloud".

 

[daughterofzion]

Well, it had been a great couple of months. When I returned to my husband in March, he was picure perfect and seemed to have gotten the message that his poor behavior wasn't acceptable anymore. But that all seemed to change in late April/May. I returned to counseling alone and have recently decided to focus on shedding the "victim" mentality and gently asserting he treat me as an equal.

With that, I'm looking for examples on how boundaries and consequences work in your marriage.

For instance, if you and your spouse agree to stick to your budget but your spouse continually over spends. How do you deal with their unwillingess to stick with your agreement?

Or if you've both agreed to not allow verbal abuse into your relationship/arguments yet your spouse does so anyway.

Or if you've agreed to split the chores and your spouse continually doesn't keep their end of the chores.

Sometimes, my husband doesn't respect agreements we make together or simply over rides my opinions/wishes. And while I do communicate my frustration and hurt, he doensn't change his actions. In fact his suggestion to correct my hurt often lies in his absolving an responsibility got his actions. I've read a few books on setting boundaries but they don't seem to work. He's refused to see a counselor and I've released my desire to change him or make him go to counseling. In other words, I'm only focused on changing how I react to him in the hopes that he will understand I deserve respect and will not be bullied or ignored.

He doesn't respond to me becoming upset or feeling hurt by his actions. Calmly relaying my frustration doesn't get any change in actions either. When he feels I'm at my breaking point (and he fears I will leave again), he will make modest attempts to appease me. I don't think he realizes my breaking point is at a tenth of where it was before I left. There's gotta be a way to get him to see waiting till he's afraid I'll leave is too late to change.

I think my husband is depressed and has poor stress management and communicative skills. But that is not an excuse to abuse me. I want to express my demand to be respected in a constructive and Christian manner.

TIA

It seems like im saying this a lot today in posts, but...
PRAY!!! Fervently! Keep your husband in prayer!
Praise your husband for the good you see in him.
If you've talked to him continually about this and its still going on... try not talking about it so much or at all and leave it souly in prayer. Our Father does hear us and does care! Pray scripture over your husband. If your husband is a believer, the Holy Spirit in him will respond evenutally. My marriage is living proof of that. My husband is a good husband, always has been, but there have been things that drove me to tears and fusteration time and again and over the years I noticed the less I talked (im not discouraging clearing comminication) and the more i prayed and worked on me, the more my husband came around! Or example, I layed a clear path before me of prayer before communicating w/ him.

I also pray scripture over my husband and instead of just asking God to help, I THANK God often for what He is doing in my husband and me and our lives!

I hope this helps.

xo

 

[WrightWife]

professor mom.....I'm doing just fine. I've been praying alot and He's given me a spirit of peace and clear directions for the future. DH is still away training so I've had plenty of time to really focus on being still and meditating. I know God won't ever leave me nor forsake me so I stay encouraged and prayerful. Thanks for checking on me. It means alot.

 

[nowhereville]

I have shared frequently what has worked for me - it has been awesome and mind altering.

My family was being consumed - and your husband sounds a lot like mine - he has issues with his mother and he is so sensitive to feeling "controlled by a woman" - I mean he takes that to the power of ten (in the past) ie I would say do not spend money as I just mailed the mortgage and he would spend it seemingly because I said not to.

Honey, I prayed for months, I had faith I stood on the word and nothing happened and in fact some things had gotten WORSE!

Finally I said if I am out and about Gods business then he will take care of my house. I found other hurting people in church that needed some wind on their fire and I worked with them. I just became sold out to god period wooo hooo.

The "funniest" thing happened - it worked.

My husband would go up for prayer and "nothing" would appear to happen and then he started to change. I was amazed and I said to him frequently, "Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" Even still God is moving on him over and over and over and over again - I am actually pretty jealous if you must know

I am NOT saying that you should stay - that is not my place at all - I believe God gave you your friend which is awesome - I just want to encourage you in this dark time to be about your fathers business and be amazed at what he will do in YOUR life while you are doing that.

PS - my apostrophe key is not working - sorry!

 

[Quick]

Ask him if he's depressed.