Bothered by fiance's past

[Jasonx777]

Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.

I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.

Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?

 

[WolfGate]

You might want to go get some counseling - just you, not as a couple - so you can understand why you are struggling with that so much. If you are planning to marry her, you need to be at a point where you can love her and look at her without thinking about her past. She has made a change, she was in a terrible place, she deserves to be loved for who she is now.

Then, perhaps some good pre-marriage joint counseling would be a good thing for you both. (Actually a good thing for any couple planning marriage). But that needs to happen when you are free of the concerns you expressed here.

Oh, and I assume you are being abstinent before marriage, right?

 

[Inkachu]

Did you post under another account recently? This is almost word-for-word what someone else posted.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Let her go. She deserves a guy who doesn't hold her past against her, and you deserve a woman with a past you can be okay with.

 

[JCLover779]

I think you should talk with a (very few) people in your church to seek advice - people who know her and her character. We don't know her, and only can read what you have written. Therefore, we are not the people who can really help you sort this out.

I do not think this is a written-in-stone deal breaker, *in general* - I just think you need some outside perspective from people who can help you determine if her actions and words match up, and if this is a deal-breaker in this specific instance. Some people are all talk and no action, or all talk but their actions speak opposite things. And she may well have told it to you exactly how it happened.

There is nothing wrong with you (ie you are not wrong) if you decide that this IS a deal-breaker for you, for whatever reason. Don't let anyone bully you into accepting all of her past actions and calling it your issue to deal with now. It's a big issue now (you mentioned you are not sure if you trust her version of the story, and obviously just by posting, the topic is bothering you), and it will continue to be an issue in the future. But if you decide you want to marry her, deal with it properly now so that you can have the best chance of a good future together.

I would think and pray very carefully about who to talk with as you want to be seeking advice, not starting gossip. You want to talk with people of good character and FRUIT (not necessarily "popular" people in church, or those who are always in the spotlight doing thigs). You may or may not need to go into the sexual history details.

As an example: My son recently broke up with his long term girlfriend. She is manipulative, sexually driven, although she tries to pass it off that she is not. She portrays herself as quite the victim. She has an image she wants everyone to maintain in youth group, but it was in conflict with her behavior. We are not the only adults who could see it. A few of his (public school) teachers who have known her very well (she regularly spends time with them after school) told him afterwards they could see he was walking into a trap. Even without discussing the sexual part, he could have been advised by quite a few adults that she fabricated stories to her advantage. He told us last week that he realized that she is a good talker, but that's all it ever was. He realized that words and actions are two very different things. Unfortunately, he could not, and would not, listen to anyone else while they were together. All told, though, it was a very good lesson learned and I'd count the relationship a success from that standpoint.

 

[JCLover779]

Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me.

This is why I think you need some outside perspective. I think your gut is telling you something is not matching up or the story is changing to suit the audience.

ETA: Sometimes, the further we are away from things, the more we are able to evaluate what was actually going on. It is possible that her version has been changing b/c of this. While I think your gut instincts are probably the way to go here, this is part of why I suggest talking with others who are familiar with her/your situation.

 

[akmom]

I don't think you should marry her. You are clearly very uncomfortable with her past, and I think that's too brittle a foundation for a lasting, healthy marriage. It's not that she did anything unforgiveable, or even unthinkable. She's a Christian with strong morals and a passion for serving God in her church. She will probably make a very special wife one day.

But honestly, if those qualities were enough for you, then her flaws would just sort of melt away in your mind. You wouldn't have to get over them; they just wouldn't matter. You would look at her and appreciate what she has become as a result of her hardships and mistakes, rather than questioning who she is. Marriage will have its own hardships. I'm not sure you can endure them if you're struggling to accept who she is from the start.

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with your fiancée. Maybe she hasn't been fully honest, or maybe she has, but it sounds more like you want to rationalize and justify your hang-up. I get it. I guess I had a hang-up like that too, because I wouldn't have considered marrying someone sexually "impure," and neither would my husband. It's okay to be uncomfortable with that. What's not okay is pretending not to have that hang-up, and letting her marry a man who can't fully respect her from the start. Or thinking that if you can just force yourself to get past it, that your heart won't ever dig that feeling back up again. Now is the time to be discerning and critical. After you're married is the time to forgive and persevere. Don't get the two mixed up!

 

[LinkH]

Jasonx777,

I don't think it's wrong to marry someone with a sexual past who has repented. But it isn't wrong to only want to marry someone who has remained sexually pure, either. I notice that bethrothal in the Old Testament was like an unconsummated marriage. The deal was done. I don't like to see couples break off engagements. But of course engagement isn't betrothal, certainly not if the bride's father hasn't agreed to the marriage yet.

If, before you proposed, she told you that she was a virgin with no sexual past, and then after engagement, told you the truth, or bits of truth, that she wasn't a virgin, I could see how that would be a reason to break off the engagement. The Lord commanded that a girl found not to be a virgin on her wedding night, married off with a bride price for virgins, be stoned for it. So it is a serious issue. It's not fair to you for her to misinform you about such an important detail while you are dating. I know it could be hard for her to share that with you. If she told you about her sexual past before you proposed, but you proposed anyway, ethnically, I think breaking up with it over her is a bit harder to justify. That's my opinion.

Beware of 'trick truth.' I read that in regard to spouses who have affairs. 'Trickle truth' is like this. Let's say a woman goes out to a bar and gets drunk. Her husband suspects something. The first night, she admits to dancing with a guy. Her husband senses she is holding something back. The next night, they talk about it, and she says he kissed her but she didn't kiss him back. The husband is jealous, and thinks she is holding back. He asks her again some other time, and she lets it slip that he felt her up. It turns out the real truth is they went to a hotel and slept together, but it takes a lot of 'trickle truth' to get to that point. She feels guilty lying, but doesn't want to tell the truth. So she alleviates her guilt by trickling out truthful bits of information that contradict previous lies. Men can do this sort of thing, too, of course.

If the story keeps changing, and at first she'd never gone to first base with him (whatever that is these days. I think the bases get changed.) Then the next week, she'd been to first base. Then after that, she tells you they went to second base, that's what I'm talking about.

If there has been a 'bait and switch' before versus after engagement, breaking off the engagement is something to seriously consider. On the one hand, it may be painful to talk about her past. But if she chose to be dishonest with you, that's her choice. It's often difficult to tell the truth, and you'll have to consider whether dishonesty is something you will be able to put up with throughout the marriage. Also, unless he raped her, even if he was abusive, if she chose to engage in sex acts, she still chose it. She may have felt like a victim. But when it comes to abstaining from sex acts outside of the marriage relationship, having a wife with the backbone to resist sure is helpful.

You also need to consider if she's repented from past sins, or if this is a problem that is still there that you would have to deal with in the future.

 

[bluegreysky]

Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.

I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.

Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?

I think most everyone has this problem, in vary degrees.
My husband was in the military and withstood some serious mistreatment and other harrowing experiences and the first year I knew him, he wouldn't tell me what really happend. He kept changing the story up. Which made me mad but then I found out this is fairly common with PTSD sufferers.
In fact, sometimes the doctors encourage them to spend time in their own heads re-writing what happened to make it less traumatizing so they can deal with it, but then it messes with their memories.
He also chose to become involved with a woman who was not very savory.
I couldn't judge him though.... I had dated a guy who was unsavory and gotten involved with him. twice. I wasn't a virgin. I used to party alot and do alot of dumb things that come with the bad attitudes you get when you are 19 or 20 and hang out with a "bad boy" and his scummy friends.
And my husband knows this about me and it's bothered him.
He would ask me "what were you thinking? Why would you associate with someone like that!?"
But I could ask him the same thing about his ex and his friends.
We have a similar past in that sense.
What helped us get over it and move on and be happy now as a married couple was realizing that since then, we BOTH returned to God.
We both started seeking Him and His will daily.
We stopped being around negativity and darkness.
We gave up our old selves, from donating all our clothes that had skulls on them to deleting music files of angry songs to not buying anything other than wine (no more vodka, no more bars) to not hanging out in shady places to unfriending shady people....
We are active members in a good church together and all of our friends are drawn from there or from networks that started there.
The past can hurt, it can leave scars on your heart and your mind...
but what matters is the present. Who you are now.

 

[Hetta]

Let her go. She deserves a guy who doesn't hold her past against her, and you deserve a woman with a past you can be okay with.

OMW. I actually agree with AL.

 

[Hetta]

What helped us get over it and move on and be happy now as a married couple was realizing that since then, we BOTH returned to God.
We both started seeking Him and His will daily.
We stopped being around negativity and darkness.
We gave up our old selves, from donating all our clothes that had skulls on them to deleting music files of angry songs to not buying anything other than wine (no more vodka, no more bars) to not hanging out in shady places to unfriending shady people....
We are active members in a good church together and all of our friends are drawn from there or from networks that started there.
The past can hurt, it can leave scars on your heart and your mind...
but what matters is the present. Who you are now.

That is some pretty amazing maturity on the part of you both. Good for you.

 

[seeingeyes]

OMW. I actually agree with AL.

They're shivering in hell, these days.

 

[Hetta]

They're shivering in hell, these days.

 

[DZoolander]

I was gonna post some advice - but AL pretty much summed it up.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I agree with AL. She deserves a guy who, when he hears she's a rape victim, doesn't try to get her to justify to his satisfaction she was raped, then needs to come to grips with her sexual activity for his own personal reasons. She needs somebody supportive, not somebody who only thinks about if it's true and how it impacts him.

 

[Hetta]

I agree with AL. She deserves a guy who, when he hears she's a rape victim, doesn't try to get her to justify to his satisfaction she was raped, then needs to come to grips with her sexual activity for his own personal reasons. She needs somebody supportive, not somebody who only thinks about if it's true and how it impacts him.

Shades of Mark Driscoll, amirite?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Better question is how is your past? I'm sure its not squeaky clean too. Theres no such thing as a perfect past.

 

[Jasonx777]

sorry, I wasn't clear in my first post and I have realized a lot since I have even posted that. I actually believe 100% that she was in a very abusive relationship, I have no doubts she was forced and treated horribly. It is hard for me to not get that truth right from the start but she did give hints of it, I get why it would be hard to talk about.

I've also come to realize a lot of the issues are me, my own trust issues. I've had a pretty messed up childhood/life and it has messed my mind up in some ways. I realize I can't take out all of my internal struggles on her. I do need her to tell me the truth on things from the start though, that does break my trust.

 

[Hetta]

sorry, I wasn't clear in my first post and I have realized a lot since I have even posted that. I actually believe 100% that she was in a very abusive relationship, I have no doubts she was forced and treated horribly. It is hard for me to not get that truth right from the start but she did give hints of it, I get why it would be hard to talk about.

I've also come to realize a lot of the issues are me, my own trust issues. I've had a pretty messed up childhood/life and it has messed my mind up in some ways. I realize I can't take out all of my internal struggles on her. I do need her to tell me the truth on things from the start though, that does break my trust.

If you want to get past this, you really must go and get relationship counseling and stay in it until you are both healed.

You know you're not very consistent. In para 1 you say that you can get why it would be hard to talk about, but in para 2 you say she broke your trust by not telling you from the start. Which is it? Until you can honestly say what you said in para 1, and mean it, you're not going to be any good for her.

 

[Jasonx777]

I mean what I said in the first paragraph, what I mean is it can't always be that way. My concern is that with everything in life she'll always sugarcoat and then later tell the truth, I can't live that way. I understand why it was hard but from now on, I need her to be honest