Blessed but Struggling

[Darling Deedee]

Am having a hard night.
There's been a lot of changes in my life and I'm having a hard time coping. I've been SI-free for 8 years but the past six months have been difficult and I've been tempted more than usual to hurt myself. I don't have a soul on planet earth I can tell this to besides you kind folks. I wish I could pour my heart out to a human but that's not likely to happen without them going off the deep-end with worry. I'm a well respected young woman in my church with quite a lot of responsibilities but I'm so incredibly lonely. I have dozens of friends at church and beyond... and I have three girlfriends who are very close to my heart. I know they would love me no matter what but I don't want to worry them about something that only afflicts me every so often.
Our minister talked on Sunday about how the devil doesn't bother you unless you're a threat and it got me wondering... is this temptation to cut a work of the devil? I've always chalked it up to being a poor technique for coping with stress. I've never considered that its the devil at work. What do you guys think?
I love my life and am generally pretty happy but right now I'm a mess and the morning seems so far away.
I've had to end a long-term friendship and there's so much in this person's life that's dramatic and I don't have the time, energy or inclination to put up with all her drama on top of my own stress. But I miss her a lot! We were best friends for more than 15 years and she's going through a tough time right now (an unexpected pregnancy). I wish I could be there for her. Plus I've started at a new church and am not sure what to do about my membership at the old church. I still have tons of commitments at the old church and I don't have a clue how to drop them all respectfully without raising people's eyebrows that I've gone off to a more evangelical church with modern worship music and a drum kit! I don't want to disappoint all the elderly grandma's in the congregation who have taken me under their wings. I don't know how to cope with all the new people I'm meeting at this new church and I don't honestly know if I'm making the right decision to leave the church where I'm a member in good standing. I've also got a very good friend who is a member of the United Church who is coming out of the closet. That's its own can of worms! I'm supportive of her in the sense that I believe she's a child of God and a good person. I don't know what to think of gay people in the church in a practical sense but now that I'm confronted with it in real life, I'm having to figure things out. I also have a sister whom I love dearly who is a believer but who is involved with a man who's into drugs and I have aging parents, particularly my dad, who is becoming more and more forgetful so I'm constantly remind him of things. It feels like I'm a broken record at times. And the cherry on the cake is that I'm pre-diabetic (due to some awful anti-psych meds that I've been on long term) and my entire diet is changing by leaps and bounds. No sugar, no starch. UGH!
It feels like I'm giving and giving and giving to these people in my life but I'm at the end of my rope. Certainly I have many friends who fill me up and this new church is very life-giving but there's still so many unknowns that I'm trusting in the Lord for because its beyond me. And right now... I'd just like to hurt myself because I can't think of any other better way to cope. I don't want to ruin 8 blessed years of being SI-free, though!
Please say a prayer for me. I'm holding tight to a poem that I read a million years ago "Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, God always brings sunshine after the rain". Its very much a prayer right now.
Blessed but struggling,
-Deedee

 

[Mayflower1]

8 years is so great! don't give up now. its true, that the devil knows a threat when he sees one. and sometimes it is just the flesh rising up. I think self-injury is a thorn in the side. the only good thing I see about the urges, is they do keep me on my knees more. 8 years is a great victory. all self-injury does is bring more and more pain. I know, because I have fought it for 9 years. I can't really tell you what you should do, except cutting is not the answer. I'll keep you in my prayers. Shara

 

[Darling Deedee]

*sigh*

I wish I could say that Christ and I fought the battle and we won. That's not the case. I put off cutting until earlier this afternoon. Church was particularly intense and on top of everything I'm already going through, I just couldn't cope anymore.

The sermon was on Mark 5:21-32, about the woman with the bleeding disorder who was healed through faith by touching Jesus' robes. The pastor said that this woman was marginalized by society. She was poor from all her trips to the doctor to be healed and she was still suffering. She wouldn't have been able to engage in synagogue life because she was 'unclean' from all her bleeding and she wouldn't have been able to marry either. But she had faith! And no matter who she was, Jesus called her 'daughter' when he saw how strong her faith was... Our pastor said that we have garbage done to us and sins committed against us (as this woman had by society casting her out) and that we might have chronic medical conditions but that we're still children of the King. He said its not our fault that people hurt us. He said to us "Its not your fault" about a dozen times and while the sermon was amazing, hearing "its not your fault" all those times was more then I could cope with. It was more then I could handle on multiple levels - that its not my fault I have medical conditions (seizures and bipolar). That its not my fault that some awful men hurt me when I was a child.

"Its not my fault"

Shouldn't that be good news? I suppose it is but I guess I've believed that it's my fault for so long that hearing it (particularly from a man) is really, really hard. I was a basket case when I got home. I made a pot of tea and didn't drink any of it. I checked my email and couldn't concentrate... eventually I just went to bed but couldn't sleep. My dear friend called at 3:30ish and we ended up talking it all out. It took an hour and a half but I feel better now. I didn't tell her about the cutting though. On a conscious level, I know that none of it is my fault but even though I've spent hours and hours in therapy, I still believe on some level that I could have done something different, that I did something wrong and I'm being punished. On a rational level I can think "of course its not my fault" but its harder to believe that on an emotional level when I have to take so much medication that does such awful things to my body and has given me a whole new set of medical woes. Its hard to believe that when I have gut-wrenching flashbacks and have to resist the urge to crawl under a table in a public place. Its just hard to believe. Period. The truth is often the hardest to accept, isn't it?

So I ended up cutting. I'm ashamed of myself. And angry. It was 8 years that I've just thrown away. I don't know what this means for the future. I want this to be an isolated instance. I want to move forward from here. I don't want to be trapped by this like I was when I was younger. In a way, cutting was a release of all my tensions, anxieties, frustrations and guilt and its an addicting feeling, to feel so relieved.

I don't know what to do.

 

[Mayflower1]

well, I don't think once in 8 years is just thrown away. even if you cut again, it wouldn't, because that is such an amazing victory. (but don't, really!!!) I think 8 months to a year is the longest I've ever not self-injured. It is really hard "starting over," but I know I can because I have before. I know before I ever went that long, I wasn't sure if it could be done. It is hard to know what to do when the urges are so powerful and life just seems to piled up. but if you could go 8 years, you can get through this time. You inspire me. I'm fixing to go into a program for self-injury, because I know I don't want to go to college this way. what did you do before when the urges to cut came up? I know you said you don't know what to do, but what did you do before that helped you?

praying for you. Shara

 

[Darling Deedee]

Hey there.

Am feeling better today but still feel a bit wrapped up.

I got through 8 years by using major distraction techniques. I'd spend hours online looking up completely useless information (wikipedia is my friend!) and I'd journal big-time, pouring my heart out. I'd go for a walk. And if things were more then I could bear and was seriously tempted then I'd put on some music and curl up in my armchair and just meditate on how much Christ loves me. I'd pray for his strength and power to get me through the night.

None of that worked yesterday, though. I hate that I felt so much better once I'd cut, though. It really was such a relief but its also upsetting in a way because I'd forgotten how good it is to just do it and not fight it.

And I hate how alone I feel. I don't have anyone to tell besides you and this board. I'm still functioning in my daily life... went out for lunch with mom this afternoon, have talked to a bunch of people since then and they all think things are peachy in my life when I feel like I'm falling apart.

I hope your program is a positive experience. I stopped cutting the year I went to university because I knew I needed a better way to cope then turning to blades. So I sought some counseling and came up with other coping techniques. It all went out the window yesterday, though.

One of my friends suggested I go talk to my pastor about this but seriously, the thought of sitting down in a room with a man makes me sick to my stomach. Not going to happen! I know I wouldn't be able to cope with that at all. And besides, I know that people have their own ideas about cutting... that we're suicidal or mentally disturbed. That's SO not the case and I hate telling people because they view me differently and suddenly I'm no long competent or trustworthy.

Thank you for your prayers. I'm glad you're able to go for 8 to 12 months SI-free. That's really awesome!

-Deedee

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry you are having to dea with such a lot at the moment!
But just think how good you would have felt 8 years ago if someone had told you that you would only cut once in the next 8 years! It's an immense achievement, sweetie, I am so impressed - 8 years seems an unattainable goal. But, you know that you can do it!
Praying for you, sweetie - I'll PM you tomorrow.. it's 1.20 am now and I must sleep.
Hang in there - you are awesome!!!

 

[Darling Deedee]

I now officially have a problem. I was pretty wrapped up this afternoon... <edit>This needs to stop before it gets out of control. I don't know what to do, guys. Who do I turn to? Where do I go? I don't know - am feeling lost. I need a plan, 'cause this has to stop. I've got a bandage over the cuts on my ankle. I know I can tell people it was a shaving accident but at some point I have to take the bandage off.
This is a fine kettle of fish I've gotten myself into.<edit>. Now I know why I fought so hard in the beginning...
Yeah, 8 years is an accomplishment. And you're right - if you'd told me all those years ago that I'd be SI-free for 8 years, I wouldn't have believed you. I need to get back on that wagon.
Who have you guys told that's been helpful to you? Who have you told that didn't freak out. In the past I had two girlfriends I told who helped me through - one was a cutter herself but we've stopped talking because things got too intense. The other is a really nice girl but I remember telling her a few years ago that if I started cutting again and she found out then she needed to rat me out no matter how much I protested. I certainly don't want to tell her now! I kinda burned that bridge.
Thx.
-Deedee

 

[Broken Hearted]

Ill be praying for you. I also am in the same boat as you in a way. I was once SI free for 7 years. It wasnt till 2 years ago when my mother commited suicide that i started back again to just feel alive or anything. And then it slowed down I went months without it and then in January my brother committed suicide and then well I slipped again and continue to slip alot lately. I know how it feels when youve went so long and then you hate yourself for doing it for wasting all those years. Ive been told to look at it as just a small speed bump that its ok to have that bump in the road it makes you who you are it gives you that strength to look at it and say well its over and its made me more stronger. I hope that makes any sense to you and gives you the encouragement to go on being SI free. Im here to talk if you want just pm me.
hugs
Christy

 

[Mayflower1]

love you DarlingDee.

 

[Darling Deedee]

Just wanted to let you guys know I'm doing much better.

My apologies to the board for writing something that needed to be edited. It won't happen again.

The last two days have been much more positive and the flash backs have subsided. I've been praying and have come to terms with the sermon that was so triggering... I'm still a bit wrapped up but am back to using my normal distraction techniques - they're working. I'm back on the wagon.

Thank you so much for your prayers! You guys have really helped me through a dark place.

-Deedee