Bleh!

[lead bassist]

Aight...well, I suppose after reading some of the posts on here...I have little to complain about. Not looking for sympathy at all...not really looking for support, just this is the only forum I know how to post it. All I want really answered is the question at the end!

Ok, well, I'm only 18. For some of you, that will make the following superficial and not real. That's cool. I can understand your perspective...and no real point in arguing it.

(Yes, this is another forum of horrible relationships...heh)

I said relationships, but I really have only had one. Didn't start dating her until after I turned 18, we dated a while...and well, it ended because of something that she had done with her last boyfriend. She told me, and I called it quits (I'm sure most of you know what I'm getting at there). If I'm 18 and I have not indulged, then believe me...women can avoid it too. And I was most fond of her...in love, prolly not - but close. That really tore me up, took me months to get over...now life is good.

However, at the begining of the relationship, I had asked her if she had done...the nasty...and she said no. I actually asked this just prior to dating her...cuz it's really important to me. And she said she hadn't...then later I found out she did. It's that process of finding out that she isn't what you thought she was that's hard.

Now, to get to recent times...over the past year or so (1st yr of college) I got really close with a girl I graduated with. However, she went to college, slimmed up, and now knows that she is a VERY GOOD LOOKING GIRL...which I didn't really like, but I knew of her morals going into it...she partied, but she said she never lost clothing at parties or...did the "nasty" and I believed her. Kinda. I assumed that she was probably telling the truth, but in light of my 1st relationship I had become wary. I've not and am not currently dating her, but I do think I am really close to being "in love" with her. I really do care about her and for her. She's my best friend.

Now with the end of the semester just coming up, she came to town, I got to see her, things were great. She told me of a trip she was taking to Cali to see a friend who lives there. Her friend was a girl...but she was also friend's with the girl's brother (she went to college with him). No foul was my assumption, of course. Benefit of the doubt. I was considering telling the girl how I feel...kinda unsure.

Well, today I txt'd her, and the response was "This is (his name), her bf"...my heart DROPPED. Partially because she had NOT told me she had a bf, partially because she had a bf, and partially because she's staying at that house for a week, and to say a little, her friend's mother (the girl, who is 17) let the girl have a party where drinking was involved. So...if she's there for a week, obviously my hopes of her "purity" have just collapsed.

Twice this has happened to me, UGH!

So now the question I want you all to answer for me is:

Which is worse, finding out that the girl has done this or finding out that she isn't what you thought she was? If you see the question as asking the same thing, I can try to re-word it. One of them is finding out she's tainted...and that she's done that. The other is them falling off the pedistal you have them on.

Anyhow, again, not looking for sympathy, just opinions. Thanks for reading (sorry it was so long)

 

[crysopac]

Well first I would like to start by stating that I am married to a man that was not tainted.

However, I quickly learned to NEVER put your loved ones on a pedstal. It is not fair to them or you. They will fall. We all do. We all sin. So in light of your question.

I think that when I put my husband on the pedstal and he fell ( fell hard) it hurt more than what he did.

I hope this help. Let me know if it dont.

Crys

 

[lead bassist]

I was looking more for opinion than help That's what I think too....I suppose I just prefer to give the benefit of the doubt, you know?

 

[crysopac]

I can understand that. I realize that you were looking for an opinion but I am a mom and naturally a helper. Sorry!!! Please forgive. I wanted to give my husband the benifit of the doubt. But in the end had to accept truth and deal with it from there. It got much easier after that!!

Crys

 

[lead bassist]

My apologies Crys. I did not mean for that...advice is ALWAYS good, help is ALWAYS good...I'm simply stating that wasn't the goal of my thread. I read threads like yours and realize how truly insignificant mine is. Insignificance doesn't stop the incredible heart-ache...they were both (particularly this 2nd) such good girls Great people...but some mistakes I cannot deal with. I find that a lot of people disagree, and don't get me wrong...I can forgive -- but forgetting is another thing. The advice is always appreciated, I'll try not to put anyone on a pedistal...and I can still HOPE that the latter girl didn't do anything...ahhhh, that good word HOPE. Could be the case...but as much as I hope, I'm a realist.

I apologize for your ex husband. Not sure of the story, but I know men tend to be dawgs so I'll allow my imagination to run rampid. I do appreciate the input. Thanks.

 

[crysopac]

No problem. I forgive. And yes it is easier to fogive than to forget. But if God can forget we should certianly try. I try to think like this...... If I cant forgive or forget I ask God to work thru me to fogive this person or forget their sin. Their sins are theirs. I have enough of my own. And when I find myself being reminded of their sin I know it is not God reminding me. It is satan. And I simply remind him of his Future in the lake of fire. It works. That is how I get thru it anyway. Sorry to preach again....

Crys

By the way although I am divorced. I am also remarried. I am not sure if you know the whole deal. But I would be happy to tell you. But I am sure you dont really want to go into it. Plus you are the one who needs help tonight!

 

[lead bassist]

No ma'am, I need not as much help as it may seem. Heartache only leaves in time. And let me explain my thing with women...and I really don't want to offend anyone, this IS, however, how I see it. I want a virgin. I'm a virgin, I expect the same. I can forgive what my ex has done (I have already forgiven) and maybe forget (workin' on it) but still...it's like a scratch in a sports car that you can't fix. I cannot bear the thought of another guy there...I simply cannot. And, that's just how I am

Note: I am NO WHERE NEAR PERFECT. Only through God's infinite grace can I be saved I understand this and seek to be like Him, though I am not near that yet

As for your problems, if you think I might provide any help, I would be more than happy to hear them. And again, thanks for the invested time in me. It is greatly appreciated...and hey, we agree. The falling off the pedistal is worse. So we have something in common!

 

[hasnoname]

Well, you are looking for opinions. Let me know if I am confused about what you are saying...but read my post about "breaking up". Keep in mind that I dont remember what I said, but let it be known that I put her on the biggest of pedastals and flirted with idolatry (of her). But the virgin thing, God will let you know how that works out. Sadly, you might fall in love with someone who is not a virgin. Just remember God has a plan for you and for them. Remember that all sins are equal in God's eyes. While I am not excusing it, be careful of judging someone and letting them go just because they are not a virgin. Of course, if they lie to you about it that is another thing (again read my post in this section). Yeah, maybe I am confused about what you are saying, so dont be offended if this comes off wrong.

 

[love_God_alwaysandforever]

You probably already know a lot of this, but here goes:
Just my opinions:
Both are different, but both can be equally hurtful and devastating. For me it is both the pain of finding out (because I used to expect otherwise from someone who said those 3 words and now I have moments of severe doubts and distrust in my spouse [things that have happened before marriage and things that happened after] and have not fully healed from my anger and sadness and sense of betrayal) and knowing that someone who has told me he loves me and in whom I've invested much has so utterly betrayed me. That is to say finding out he was not the man I origianlly thought he was, and that he did me wrong in every way I can think of just about. If I had to chose between the two, it is better to find out that he has done and will continue to do the things ahead of time so I don't invest emotion until God makes him into a safer person, but when you have already invested the time and emotions into this person, it's too close a call for me because their deeds may be something that is an attack or hurts you, whether directly or indirectly. But God is turning his ashes into beauty.
Why I think this way (It's long, and if you don't want to read it, since you already have my opinion, just skip to the bottom):
Often one does not go into a relationship saying, "Hey I don't want a person who is suitable and compatible to me, I want a liar or a deceptive or a secretive person who keeps this and that from me, I want to find out my spouse's secrets after the marriage, I want someone who will abuse me, lie to me, cheat on me, and lie to me some more by denying that they were lying after finally telling the truth or saying they lied repeatedly and did bad things repeatedly that they kept secret from you because he or she was afraid of losing what he or she calls the best thing that ever happened to them (which is not us but rather God/Jesus but it's what they may say so you can excuse the betrayals) when they know ahead of time what you are looking for in a future spouse". Of course people want the kind of person who is ideal. And of course we don't expect people to be perfect like God, just honest with us about their downfalls when we are considering marriage. And dating or being friends with people who may become your girlfriend is serious and not something to take lightly, because while you're with someone who is not willing to tell you enough so you would know upfront before any damage is done, you could be spending your time with someone who will tell you upfront and missing out on someone with whom you could be spending the rest of your life. I have heard stories of women who keep secrets after marriage, like they have their husbands unknowingly raise children that aren't theirs and never find out. A marriage should be sacred and honorable and undefiled. I do believe that God can help us chose our future spouses if we rely on Him, but if we jump into something we can get into trouble.
On the other hand, if one expects everyone to not have that quality that you look for in a spouse, then what's the point of dating? If one expects everyone to continuously lie to you what's the point of trusting.
It hurts even more to find out after the marriage or after you've really invested your feelings into someone you thought you could trust, only to find out it was all a lie, double life, or something other than what you went into the relationship thinking it was. You go into it, giving your all, only to find out that the person was doing you wrong the whole time and when you find out it is more devastating than when you first meet the person and have a few criteria for the person to meet and they tell you upfront. What I cannot understand is why someone even hides these things when they can save some heartbreak or wasted time by saying this is the way I really am, this is how it's going to be, you can either accept me the way I am still doing things or have changed for the better and the fact that I messed up my whole life or made mistakes along the line and am working to improve my relationship with God. That way, if one decides to spend time with someone who still cheats, lies, betrays, or whatever (fill-in-the-blank) when all parties involved know, then you know what you're getting yourself into if you go that wide road, or you can avoid the wide road and teach the person about Jesus or to come back to God if they are not yet. This reminds me of when I had something similar happen to me (and I should say behind my back), when my husband was "friends" with someone I knew nothing about who probably still does not even know anything about me and how hurt and angry I am about the situations (I'm not going into the details here) and how I had to find out from calling his friends looking for him and where he disappeared off to. There were many things going on as well. I think sometimes in these type of cases it is a matter of keeping one's options open and having extras on the back burner, so when the game player gets tired of one, the game player can go to the others. It can be that a person is afraid of losing another's "friendship" or possible future spouses because he/she is dating around and trying to find out which cows will give the milk (to put it more delicately). The day my husband first called me after we met, he told me he had no friends, and come to find out he had what I would consider a lot of friends and then something. I also thought that my husband told me that he'd only been with one woman before he met me, later he confessed others, then he changed his mind in the details of what he did and so on, and I still feel like I have no clue on that area. In my case, because I did not know what he was really like before he one day called me to tell me he had asked Jesus into his heart (he wore a mask of lies and deception and abuse and cheating, hiding behind superficial charm I think when we first got together), I not only had no idea what mess I was getting into and how it would permanently affect my whole life from then on, but also it was a matter of many different issues that I did not find out about until later. And i am still dealing with these things.
It hurts a lot less if you find out up front before the relationship begins, before you even begin to invest time, interests, sharing of emotions, money, and so on. I wish that all people were honest up front, about who they really are and what they are really going to be like and how the relationship is really going to be like, but that is not the case. Sometimes people think it is not their spouses or potential spouses business. The way I see it is, if a person hides it from you (other than a traumatic experience) and blatantly lies to you knowing how you feel, what else are they going to do if you enable them to think it is okay to lie and continue in their behavior.
True, all fall short of the glory of God and no one but God is perfect, but we are supposed to turn away from sin and restore our brothers and sisters and preach the Good News.


I have a few questions too for you:
1. If you had to chose between someone tainted by rape,etc. or someone who was not Christian before tainting themselves who eventually got right with God, which would you chose and why?
2. Which would you prefer: being with someone your whole life and never finding out, or being with someone and finding out?
3. Which is worse: the finding out what has been done that they should know you are against, or finding out that this person is not who you originally thought and trusted?

 

[lead bassist]

Well, I did read all...and I will reply first to Chris:

Chris, I understand forgiving, forgetting, and looking over it. And in a more spiritual sense, I can do that. However, another man still was there...and I cannot get past that. I will never get past that. And I'll address the issue of rape when I get to love_God's post. But to briefly comment on that now, knowing that a girl willingly gave that up to a guy...and he really did have "it"...I can't get past that. I don't know any good analogies...I can just say it like that. I really don't seek to change that either...tis part of who I am. Too much to bear. The actual thought of the event taking place makes me sick....I think to an extent, even for those who disagree, you all can understand where I am coming from.

Now, as for love_God...

1. If you had to chose between someone tainted by rape,etc. or someone who was not Christian before tainting themselves who eventually got right with God, which would you chose and why?

If someone was raped, I do not hold it against her. The man who did it had just best pray we never cross paths. As for the 2nd, she can have found God, that is great. My ex tells me that while she knew Him before...I really brought her close to Him. And that's awesome, I really hope she's being honest and I did some good However, I cannot deal with the girl letting some guy...yeah. So my choice would have to be #1. I will still befriend the girl in option two, even closely...but cannot really have a relationship.

2. Which would you prefer: being with someone your whole life and never finding out, or being with someone and finding out?

I would rather find out. Why? I cannot answer. Everything in me wants to scream "KEEP IT A SECRET!" but the rest of me knows that....I would have to know.

3. Which is worse: the finding out what has been done that they should know you are against, or finding out that this person is not who you originally thought and trusted?

This kinda touches on my original question. I have to go with the latter. Finding out she wasn't who I had built her up to be was more devastating than what she did...though what she did is why I won't date her. It is hard, and I know to her I have to appear the scumbag on occassion...she still tells me that she loves me (mind you, I've not ever told a girl that including her...though she did say the words when we were dating)...and I still don't know how to react. We are friends, I have forgiven her...but she is "tainted" and I can't cope with that.

Now, to add something else in. I've prayed to God...told Him that, to be honest, I don't mind being single. And if I was single for life, that is cool with me. I guess I'd prefer a family one day...but single is aight. But in spite of this, even "loving" someone as a good friend (For I think there are ATLEAST 4 kinds of love - the love for God, for family, for friends, and for spouses/potential spouses, maybe a 5th kind if you throw in love of country) and watching them fall off that pedistal...eh, it doesn't make the heart ache less

 

[hasnoname]

I completely understand and agree with what you are saying. However, do not close your mind because it might be God's Will that your wife isnt a virgin because we honestly do not know the future. Therefore, I would suggest do not let that hold you back from someone, if God is telling you to date them, or more, than just trust God because He knows what is best. Oh, and pedistals suck really bad. Especially when there is another guy they like after 2 years of being "devoted". It hurts and causes tons of heart ache, so be careful.

 

[lead bassist]

Yeah...I'm going to have to try to be careful -- cuz I do NOT like this heart ache business AT ALL... And you know...I've prayed and asked God not to put me in that predicament. I told Him I'd rather be single than have to be with a girl who wasn't a virgin...and begged of Him not to force me into that. Thus, I'm confident that He won't

 

[crysopac]

Glad to respond. After all I am a mom. And as such it is my job to fix things
And yep we have alot in common! Dont worry there is a woman for you. God will lead her to you or you to her. Dont rush him! You will meet her when you are both ready. Keep in prayer and go where God leads you! Even if you dont like it. It will be all good. I am preaching again.

Please dont call me maam it makes me feel so OLD!!!!!

And I am not OLD and never will be!!!

I defy age!

crys

 

[lead bassist]

Glad to respond. After all I am a mom. And as such it is my job to fix things
And yep we have alot in common! Dont worry there is a woman for you. God will lead her to you or you to her. Dont rush him! You will meet her when you are both ready. Keep in prayer and go where God leads you! Even if you dont like it. It will be all good. I am preaching again.

Please dont call me maam it makes me feel so OLD!!!!!

And I am not OLD and never will be!!!

I defy age!

crys

My apologies my young, good-looking, young, gorgeous, young, ideal woman of a friend!

And to comment, again, I don't mind being single...God can lead me to a life of that. Tis cool. I'd much rather prefer that to heartache, eh? (And before anyone jumps on my case, no, I'm not trying to avoid relationships to avoid heartache...)

Again, my apologies my young friend who will never age and constantly remains to be gorgeous!

 

[crysopac]

You are forgiven. And THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH for the compliments. It is always needed. And I do understand your thinking on heartache. God has a plan my young friend stick with Him and you can not go wrong.

Bless you .

Crys