blasphemy, lost opportunities & vows

[orange1973]

Hello,

I struggled daily for 20 years with the fear of committing the unpardonable sin of blasphemy. OCD attacks things we are precious about - Whenever I was anxious about something or wanted something or feared losing anything, the anxiety and force of habit that is OCD triggered me to blaspheme in my head.
I then felt that the thing I wanted to do at the time was tainted, I could not carry on with it. I would waste hours and days ruminating about if I had truly meant my thoughts.

Many wasted opportunities that were probably God given were lost because I gave in to OCD.

It felt inescapable and I got deeply depressed. I even thought it would be easier to quit being a Christian at one point but then I discovered that THAT IS the unpardonable sin.

I had been tricked. The enemy had used OCD as a tool over the years to destroy my potential as a Christian and a creative person.

I immediately returned to God.

The OCD weakened it's hold but then changed tactic, leading to me doubting forgiveness. OCD shifts with whatever I'm precious or anxious about.

But 3 things helped me out greatly:

1) Resisting the urge to ruminate about thoughts (Its a challenge!). Focus on and know that you can lean on Christ like a crutch. In fact he's carrying me. The OCD gradually reduced its attacks and weakened.


2) Having FAITH and strength to believe that Christ forgave, forgives and so forgets the past allowing us to keep moving forward. He knows our heart.


3) I was recently reminded of these words at a difficult time...
When Paul asked to remove a 'thorn' from his side three times,
God replied: "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness."

Because of the OCD my faith (and trust in God's mercy) has gotten STRONGER than ever and it allows me to keep going through the depressing & tough times.

Thanks for Reading.

Ps. I used to compulsively make vows in the heat of the moment, often resulting in losing something I cared about. I then said to God one day: "You understand my condition. If I ever vow again please don't accept it. Unless, it is made in front of a Christian witness that approves it."

My OCD anxiety led me to make vows often but I was then completely free from them.



29th Jan 2012

 

[flowerforever7]

Orange1973,

Your experience sounds a lot like mine. Did you ever revoke some of the vows you made? Have you been able to go through on them without feeling excessive guilt?

God bless.

 

[orange1973]

As soon as I learned I had OCD, I discontinued the vows. I realised the condition (and the anxiety from OCD) was compelling me to make promises.
At first I asked forgiveness and then asked God not to accept any more vows as I was breaking down.
It's important not to let OCD turn it into a cycle (anxiety=vow, breaking the vow=asking forgiveness). I know God heard me the first time, I did not need to repeat saying sorry.

Also note that the vows did not have any spiritual benefit and did not help others in any way.

As for feeling guilty, I always feel guilty or worried about things because OCD is like a faulty alarm warning going off constantly. I try and keep moving forward, putting faith in Christ's sacrifice for my mistakes.

There are times when it is obvious that conviction is not from the Holy Spirit but from myself. OCD makes it hard because we want to please God and it latches onto everything, making us question if we did something right or we haven't done enough.
Remember we have the spirit of peace.

 

[flowerforever7]

Hi Orange,

I find with me the vows happen so quick that I don't even realize I'm vowing. Like an intrusive thought happens and I immediately / automatically vow not to do something. It is like a knee jerk reaction. My OCD is weird also, I get it in my sleep. The other night while sleeping I believe I made a vow to God in a dream that I would not type anything with the letter "o" in it; sure enough I broke the vow. Also, the other night I was sleeping / half awake I refused to turn on my right side, convinced I had made a vow to God or a vow in general that I would not do that. When I awoke, I thought and realized I never made such a vow to God at all; but while I was sleeping I kept refusing to turn on my right side. It gets mentally exhausting and frustrating.

God bless.