definitely will pray! I totally get what you're saying about all of it. My husband was the one that led other people to Christ. Even on his death bed he led one of his close friends in the sinner's prayer and he was serious about it. I, on the other hand, have never led anyone to the Lord, so I could not understand why I was still here and him gone.
It sounds good to be able to "not remember" so to avoid the pain, but there is a reason for it as unbearable as it is, it will eventually help you to move past it. I believe everything happens for a reason. My father in law used to live with us and he died at age 63 from multiple myeloma (cancer in your blood). That I feel prepared me for my own mother's death 4 years later. She died of breast cancer. And those 2 deaths prepared me for my husband's death 10 years later. I'm not saying you are being prepared to handle other deaths. I'm more saying that it IS to serve some purpose. Whether that purpose will be to help your sister and mother or someone you may not even know yet or it could be just to make you stronger and more dependant on the Lord. The purpose I wouldn't know and I'm not sure of my purpose in going thru it except that eventually especially right now, I am learning to lean more heavily on the Lord instead of people and I feel closer than ever to Him. And I quit trying to figure out WHY things happen, or how God will work out situations, because I am NEVER right and I guess THAT was the lesson for me, that I cannot figure things out lol. And sometimes (well most times for me) I never know it when I'm in the forest, but when I come out on the other side, I can see how God was teaching me, guiding me, comforting me, protecting me. But everything in good time. In fact, it's ONE day at a time. So try not to figure things out, because you can't. Just do what you've been doing and for your kids I think it's important for them to be able to verbalize how they feel and please know it is completely OK and NORMAL and even good for them to see you cry when you are sad. It will let them know its OK when THEY feel sad. Otherwise they might feel like they shouldn't be sad cuz it might hurt you or not be accepted. So they need to be able to express it too and for my kids, my younger one let it out earlier and more often than the older one (they were 11 and 8 when he died) held things in and to this day (he's 17) he still has anger issues. But he's aware and working on it.
