Bitter/sweet guilt

[Softbreeze]

Hi I lost my husband 5 months ago. About a year ago we were working on improving our marriage because we had some issues. He was sick for about 7 months which during that time we stop working on the relationship and we put our time into working on his health. He was mean to me when he was sick but I understood it was the sickness causing him to be that way. Well he passed and I feel that I didn't get to finish improving our marriage and I didn't get to make him better. I feel cheated by time. I keep living over in my mind,"what could I have done better?" I should of been a better wife?" Did he still love me?" "He should still be hear." I can't believe that I am going through this and I am not in my senior years. He died at age 51. I was in shock when he passed. I didn't realize he was really gone until I had to get rid of his cloths. I could not look at any of his things and still find it hard to do. Each month seems worse then the first. They say it gets better but when. I don't know anyone that has gone through what I have gone through. Everyone I know thats family, church or friends or even at work has not lost a husband or wife at a young age. I can't even found any one who understands. They all care and is encouraging but they really don't understand until you have been there. Its a lonely feeling.

 

[ForeverYours84]

to you SB and im sorry for your loss i too am pretty new to this forum and i lost my wife at a young age too (in my late 20s)

i think if you were both taking steps to improve your marriage than its proof there is love, physical illness can be very damaging to our attitudes so i bet some of the things he may have said to hurt you were out of his own pain.

 

[Softbreeze]

Thank you for you comment. It was very helpful. Every day I have been holding on to these thoughts. When did you lose your wife?

 

[NoelAsa]

I'm very sorry for your loss. My husband died over 4 years ago. I was just 50 years old at the time. It has been hard, but it really does get better with time. The pain is still there, but has decreased a lot.

My husband was in really good health so it came as a total shock when he got sick. He has just had a checkup six months prior and had no health issues of any kind.

He was diagnoised with two brain tumors that were cancerous. He had surgery right away but with his cancer there was no cure. We were told he would have three months to live with out chemo and radiation. With the treatment he might live for another year. He took the treatment, but still died in about three months time. It was a shock to me even though I understood how serious it was.

I went to grief counseling with Hospice and it really helped me a lot. I am still friends with some of the women that I meet there. It would probably help you to also try counseling. If you are not interested in Hospice there are usually grief classes that some churches offer. At the time of my husband's death there were none available where I live. I now know of two churches in my area that offer them.

I am glad that you understand that your husband's mean comments when he was sick are not to be taken seriously. I am sure that he loved you since he wanted to work on your marriage.

 

[Softbreeze]

Thank you for your note it really helps a lot. My husband died of a brain tumor he had off and on for about 6 to 7 years. He had the worse tumor but he lived longer then most that have that type of tumor. Glioblastoma tumor which you really only suppose to live only six months. The doctors were surprised that he lived 6 1/2 years. We thought he could beat it. We did everything we could do health wise to make it stop growing back. It kept growing back. We have 3 kids which I have to help them stay positive and keep them encouraged that they will see their dad again. I really appreciate your letter. I need to talk about this. Thank you again

 

[NoelAsa]

Glioblastoma Multiforme brain tumor is exactly what my husband had also. He had two which his doctor told us only about 5% of the people with this tumor would have more than one.

You are most fortunate that you had the length of time with your husband that you had. We only had about 3 1/2 months from the diagnosis to his death. This was after surgery, radiation and chemo.

You need time for healing and grief counseling will help. I hardly remember the first year after my husband's death. It is somewhat of a blur. I was unable to sleep and had great difficulty in doing anything. It does get better and it really does take time.

My husband and I did not have any children so I think it must be even more difficult for you. Praying for you and your three children. Please take care of yourself.

 

[ForeverYours84]

GRRRRRRRRR i am so mad to hear that you both lost your husbands to cancer.

(btw i lost my wife about 2 years ago, i am 27 atm)

but i hate cancer, i had a traumatic experience with a patient, she was 12 years old and had pancreatic cancer. she was in SOOO much pain and with each treatment we were only buying her like a week. but she seemed so full of life and one day me and the nurse were talking to her, and the nurse said "you really are a brave girl!" and she is like "im not worried, doctor B. will make me better, then we will get married and have 14 kids!!"

but i couldnt save her, and i got rotated out of the oncology clinic but i kept up with her notes but she died about a month later

 

[Softbreeze]

Thank you Foreveryours84 and Noelasa both for your support. I just need to be able to share it with someone. I am still having thoughts that I can't believe he is gone. We did everything together. I felt like we were one. I leaned on him for family decisions. Its such a different world without him. I was numb for the first 3 months he was gone. He was a songwriter,and loved playing in bands and he loved is guitar. James Taylor was his favorite guitar player. He knew how to play his tunes. He did benefit concerts for brain cancer and benefit concerts for other organizations. He loved to help others. He seem gifted to care. My kids are doing better then I gave them credit for. They keep busy with school,music lessons, band practice, etc. One of my kids even keeps his fathers cell phone for comfort. Its his cell now. I think I am taking it harder then they are. Not a day goes by that I say "he should still be here." does this lonely feeling last for awhile. What do you do to make it go away. I do have hobbies but its still not helping.
Even with the hobbies I find it hard to focus totally.

 

[NoelAsa]

Softbreeze what is happening to you is normal. That is why I got so much out of grief counseling because I was around people going through what I was going through and they understood.

Everyone goes through grief differently. There is no set standard of where you are suppose to be with your own grief. The first year was the hardest for me and it is for most people. There will be all of the first birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays without the person you loved.

I also relied on my husband a lot and then had to do everything on my own. Which was even more difficult because of the grief I was going through. I could not sleep or concentrate, but I had decisions I had to make. The first year is somewhat of a blur. I got through, but I know it was because of the counseling I received.

In my grief counseling we all kept wondering when or if it would get better. The counselor kept assuring us that it would. It never felt like it would, but it did. It still hurts, but the pain is not so powerful nor lasts as long.

You say that your children are doing much better than you. I hope that you will take them to counseling. With Hospice they have a program for children. I heard some really good things about it. Your children would probably benefit from it.

I also had a number of hobbies before my husband's death. I still have not been able to get back into doing them. My husband loved golf and was really good at it. I still can not watch any golf on TV because it makes me think of him and how much he would have enjoyed it.

Just be gentle with yourself and take your time. It is a process that you just have to go through and what is good for one person may not be good for another. There will be all kinds of people giving you advice. Please be careful. People mean well, but somethings they say can be hurtful and might not be good for you. Listen to your heart, as you know best what is right for you to do. Praying for you.

 

[Softbreeze]

Thank you. Sometimes I feel I should be handling all this in a different way. I know its going to be hard when the holidays come because this will be my first holiday without him. I think I really am going to need some help this time. He was a strong part of our holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas was our biggest holidays. Where do I find hospice?. I just have not thought of hospice as something positive because several co workers have lost family used hospice in their last days. I know the hospital gave me paperwork of agencies that would help us overall. But I received the paperwork 6 months before he passed. I never thought I would need any of it so I put it all away. Now I cannot find any of it.

I do say coming hear has help me. Because when I talk to my relatives they are encouraging but they don't know what I am really going through because they have never went through any of it. They have lost family but not a husband.

 

[NoelAsa]

If you are interested in Hospice you can find then in your local phone book or just look them up on the computer for where you live. Just give them a call and see what they have to offer for you. Some people get a lot out of it, but then some people don't. You can at least give them a try.

I found it comforting to be around people who were experiencing what I was going through. Friends and family can be helpful, but they tend to not understand why someone is still grieving after what they determine is an adequate amount of time.
The grieving process is different for everyone. I am a lot better than I was, but I still have my moments even four years later.

You don't have to pick Hospice for counseling. There are other places also. That just happens to be the one I picked because I used them the last time I took my husband home from the hospital so that he could die at home. Also their counseling was free so that helped me a lot. A person's income is reduced a lot when one of the spoused dies. There is just a lot of different dynamics involved when it is a spouse's death. There is just one person handling everything now when there used to be two people sharing the burdens.

 

[Softbreeze]

My family wants me to move on and stop talking about my husbands death. They feel it's not helping me. I think it does help me because I feel better talking about it. I feel that my mom, two sisters can't handle talking about him. He was special to them. He always made them feel important. My mom loved him alot like he was her own son. She cried alot the day he died. I have never seen her cry like that before for anyone. I just think they can't handle me talking to them about him. So I have to go elsewhere for support. Being here in the forum is helpful also. Thank you for the info and words of advice.

 

[NoelAsa]

Yes, that happens frequently that people do not want you to talk about the person who died. I think it is because it makes them feel uncomfortable. I don't think it really has anything to do with you. That was one of the recurring things we would talk about in grief counseling. We still wanted to talk about our spouses, but other people didn't want to hear it. That is what I needed the most when I went to counseling. Just people who understood and would let you talk and say anything you wanted to.

I don't think it is healthly not to talk about your spouse. It will just bottle up and make you depressed. However, you get restricted by your family and friends because they tell you not to talk. Even with the counseling I became depressed, but without it I know it would have been much worse. I just didn't feel so alone.

Then you will get the people who think that enough time has gone by and you should be better now. You don't feel better so you wonder if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong because there is no exact time frame for getting over grief. It is different for everyone. Unfortunately some people can be rather insensitive with their remarks. That was another big issue we would talk about. The mean and hurtful things said to us that we knew people didn't mean that way, but that was how it felt to us.

 

[Softbreeze]

This was s hard year on my sister and mother. My sister lost her 22 year old daughter. They were very close. It happen in January of this year and my husband and I went to the hospital to be with her when her daughter had passed. She is still having a tough time excepting it. She stays busy all the time to keep from thinking about it. So both of us are mourning but she doesn't want to talk about her situation but I do. We lost my niece in January and my husband in May of this year. They don't want to talk about either person. I think you heal by facing it and talking about it. I want to heal. I know I have a long road a head but I want to get better with this. Its too painful to not talk about it. I guess there is a differece in how you feel because my niece went into the hospital for quick surgery for gall stones.
But she died on the 3rd day. My sister was in shock and would not leave the body. My husband and I had to pull her away from the body because she was screaming and was disrupting the hospital. Regarding my husband, I kinda knew but would not except that he may not make it through this cancer this time. So it was two separate situations. I still believe we all need to talk about it. We both are mourning.
Thank you for understanding

 

[NoelAsa]

What a terrible tragedy for your sister. People deal with their grief in different ways. Also the death of a child is different than a spouse. Perhaps that is why your mother and sister do not understand why you have a need to talk about your husband.

Your sister might not be willing to confront her grief right now, but that does not mean that you have to do what she is doing. I know from the counseling I had at Hospice that sometimes they would have people come in with grief that was unresolved for many years. They just kept busy and tried not to think about it. There does come a point when it needs to be addressed, but it has to come about when that person is able and willing to handle it.

 

[Softbreeze]

I don't want to seem like my grief is small but I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. You gave birth to that child and raised them. I feel that talking about any problem will take away the pain and keep you from getting physically sick or even emotionally sick. Either way bottling it up is hurtful to the body. I think it will be a while before she can even think of talking about it. You can't even say " think about it" she won't even entertain the thought. We hang out a lot because we are very close. But I can't talk about my husband with her because she was close to him also. So I feel like stressed that we are close and I can't even open up to her about it. So I am trying to find that open door elsewhere. One thing though she makes sure she entertains my youngest child because his dad use to play with him all the time about everyday. So my sister has taken on the task of being there for the younger one. He looks for her to be there with him. She calls him and checks up on him. Comes by to spend hours with him on play time. I guess I could say she is there in another way.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

My husband died the day after his 55th birthday in 2005. He had head and neck cancer, squaemous cell carcinoma, that started with a lump in his neck and they removed that and he had about40 radiation treatments that gave him about a year and a half. Then he got a tumor behind his eye and he tried chemo and radiation and almost died. So he opted for no more treatment and he lasted almost a year. I was 46 when he died and never expected to be a widow especially at that age. But here I am. I did not go to counseling and but what NoelAsa is saying is all truth. People (even me) generally don't know what to say to someone that has lost their loved one except "I'm sorry". I swear there were times that, even though I knew that, I wanted to scream if one more person said they are sorry! And YES everyone grieves differently. I found it really odd that after a short period of time, people were expecting me to date and would ask "have you found someone yet?" REALLY? Uhm NO! I also wanted to talk about my husband and still do talk about him. I came here at that time and found alot of encouragement, so I am glad you are finding that here as well. I think the only thing worse than losing a spouse is losing your child because you should be going before them as in sequence but of course, life doesn't always go like that. My kids (I have 2 teenage boys) are doing good. The oldest was angry (and I didn't know it) for the first year or so because he was mad that his dad "left us" as if it was his choice. But one night out of the blue he texted me that he was sorry that he was treating me bad and that's when I found out about his being mad at his dad. NOW he is better and I 'm so glad because he is SO his father's son. They both play guitar and my son has the longest fingers made just for that IMO. But while he was angry he wanted nothing to do with being like his dad. My younger one never had the anger, but whatever feelings they had they were allowed to have and the same for me. Sometimes I would be fine and then some song would come on the radio or something would make me think of him and I would just start bawling. But when that happened I just let it happen I didn't fight it. My faith played a big role too because I believe I will see my husband again when Jesus comes back and we are transported to eternity with Him so even though I am sad and miss him, it's not the end. I did have a little anger myself because my bible says that when you lay hands on the sick they SHALL recover, it doesn't say they might, or maybe if you're good enough or pray enough, but then I realized that he WAS healed. Just not in the way I thought, and not on this earth. But he is in a WAY better place than we are so, I take comfort in that. So whether you go for counseling or not, just know that you CAN come HERE and talk about your husband and I would just encourage you to do whatever it is that YOU feel you need to do, no matter if others think it's wrong or right. Just know that neither God, nor your husband would want to see you not trying to heal and being stuck in your grief for the rest of your life. You can take however long you need to, but your husband is not hurting anymore and he would not want you to suffer forever either. And pray to God, he can give you the peace you need. The peace that passes all understanding, because He cares about you. God bless you. YES it does get better, I don't think it ever goes away, but it will take awhile. And however long it takes for you is perfectly fine.

 

[Softbreeze]

Thank you memoriesbymichelle and Noelasa. Also to all the others. I cant tell you how important all of your letters are to me. It helps so much in my healing. I wanted so much to express myself but no one to listen. There are so many reminds of him. He is a songwriter with published cds and he was a minister of our church. He also played his guitar all the time. He did benefit concerts for Brain cancer and for shelter our sisters (for abusive women). People use to just go to him for just words of encouragement and just because he always had a good answer. He was manager is corporate sales/computers skills. He has always moved up in a company. I have always felt important around him. Everyone loved him. Now its just me and all the people who was around us/him are all gone. I did not have anyone to really talk to for this kind of support. I know alot do not know what to say and if I have to give some one encouragement it would be hard. But I want to be the words of encouragment for others. I want to learn. Its a pain no one should be alone iin. I think another battle I am facing is just the loneliness of everyone gone from the support we received before he passed and after he passed. All the calls stopped and if I call people they are too busy, or say they will get back to me but don't. I did not realize there are so many aspects of grief. Thank you again

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

One thing I didn't realize as I was going thru grief is that people are watching you. You won't know it, maybe never, or maybe not for some time, but they are observing "how" you are handling this. Some maybe to see if you lose your faith, others might be curious how they should act should it happen to them. So you are being a witness for Jesus, whether they acknowledge this to you or not. That being said, everyone grieves differently, and however you grieve is right for YOU. There is no right or wrong way so don't feel any pressure to act a certain way. If you feel like crying do so. If you don't...don't. Just "be".
It is sad when people just go on with their lives and you aren't ready to, but, for me anyway, I guess that is when God started really teaching me to trust HIM. I hope the same is true for you, but HERE you are free to say whatever you need to. And you can also say whatever you need to to GOD also. Remember HE loved us SO much He sent His own son to die for US, so now there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. I pray that the Lord comforts you as only He can during this time.

 

[Christianwidow]

One thing I didn't realize as I was going thru grief is that people are watching you. You won't know it, maybe never, or maybe not for some time, but they are observing "how" you are handling this. Some maybe to see if you lose your faith, others might be curious how they should act should it happen to them. So you are being a witness for Jesus, whether they acknowledge this to you or not. That being said, everyone grieves differently, and however you grieve is right for YOU. There is no right or wrong way so don't feel any pressure to act a certain way. If you feel like crying do so. If you don't...don't. Just "be".
It is sad when people just go on with their lives and you aren't ready to, but, for me anyway, I guess that is when God started really teaching me to trust HIM. I hope the same is true for you, but HERE you are free to say whatever you need to. And you can also say whatever you need to to GOD also. Remember HE loved us SO much He sent His own son to die for US, so now there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. I pray that the Lord comforts you as only He can during this time.

Well said, Memoriesbymichelle.

Christian Widow