Bitter or Forgive?

[Kristen.NewCreation]

After years of therapy where I though I had worked through things 20 years ago, I find myself experiencing the need for therapy to deal with the abuse again. It is limited to three specific areas, but one of the questions my therapist asked was if I was ready to begin working on forgiving him.


Now, I know that forgiving doesn't mean that I have to let him in my life or anything remotely related. It is a freedom for me. But it sparks the question, how do we forgive? My gut response makes me think I should just "choose" to forgive. But when I think about choosing to forgive I don't feel forgiving. I barely feel anything besides numb. Perhaps I'm not ready to forgive him, but then, I'm not going to be very nice about it I think.

Has anyone forgiven their abuser? How did you experience forgiveness? Did you feel it or at that time or later or??? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. I definitely need some thoughts to think on as I look at where I need to go in my future.

 

[Criada]

I have forgiven my abusers, I think.
I don't really know how it happened... but looking back, although the events are still affecting me, when I think of the abusers, I don't have that pain in the pit of my stomach that used to be there.
I still hate what they did to me, and the impact it is still having on me... but I don't hate them.

I think that prayer has been the key... after years of pushing it down inside and not letting myself think about it, when it finally came back and bit me, I started praying for the abusers, asking God to forgive them, to bring them to Him, to help me to put down the pain and learn to love them.
I'm not completely there, but... I can honestly say that I hope they have found God and made peace with what they did... i can imagine that dealing with having been an abuser must be almost as hard as dealing with having been abused.

I am still working on forgiving my mother... I suppose that is less easy because she is still in my life. But... i'm praying, and I believe God will change my heart towards her.

It's great that you even want to do this... I think that is the most important thing in the process. It's so easy to hold on to the negative emotions... accepting that it is better for you to let them go is a huge step.

 

[UnitynLove]

HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS.
Follow the instructions of Jesus. *Sometimes you not only have to forgive the person but also the situation where it happened. Not saying that the situation was right, but just to forgive the whole circumstance that caused you the pain.*

1. Depend on the holy spirit. "Father God I can not forgive this person or this situation without your help. Please help me holy spirit to forgive this person/situation.

2. Pray for them. Heavenly Father, I pray that you bless and guide this person. I pray that you increase them in every area of their lives and may they receive your favor and blessings everywhere they go. I pray for increased happiness and greatness for them. Father please help them in every and in any way ect...

3. Bless them. Father God, although they may have hurt me I know that they are a good person. I know that they are your child. They are righteous, good, and a great child of God. ect...

4. Do something good. Father God, put me in a position to do them right and good.

5. Release. Father, help me to release all anger, bitterness, pain, resentment, abuse, hurt and negativity that I may have towards this person. Help me to release any pay back, vengeance, and strife that I may have towards this person.

6. Forgive. Father God, help me to forgive this person. Help me to not think about it, talk about it, bring it up, reminisces on it and or go back on it but help me to drop it from my mind, heart, body, and soul.

7. Give them another chance. Father God, help me to keep the door of love and forgiveness in my heart open to them. Help me to give them another chance. Help me to not block them and lock them out, and lastly help to not formulate any memory or any memories of the offense or the offenses inside of my heart my soul my body and mind.

8. Give it to God. Lord, I give this offense to you. Help me to surrender it from my heart, soul, body and mind. I can not take care of this, but you promised that if I give it to you you will give me happiness, goodness, and blessings for the pain in my life. Help to to surrender it to you father from my mind body and soul. Help me to walk away from the offense in my mind body heart and soul. Thank you father, amen.

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. Eccles - 12:13

WHEN YOU ARE TEMPTED NOT TO FORGIVE REMEMBER

1. Matthew 18: 23-35
The story of the servant who was ungrateful. The king (God) forgave his servant for a $10,000,000 debt owed to him. But when that same servant saw one that owed him $20 he caught him by the throat and said to him, pay me all that you owe me! When the king heard this he was very upset and he threw the ungrateful servant into prison saying, AND SHOULD YOU NOT HAVE HAD PITY AND MERCY ON YOUR FELLOW SERVANT AS I HAD PITY ON YOU? Don't be like that ungrateful servant. When you are offended by someone, something, or some place always remember how much debt you owe God (some people owe God in the billions) and how he has not only forgiven, but wiped that debt clean and remembers it no more. Should you not do that for your fellow servants?

2. Matthew 18: 29
We see here that the servant could not pay. I repeat it again THE SERVANT COULD NOT PAY. When people offended you they cannot pay you back for the hurt they have caused you. Thus, do not look to others to meet your needs. Look to God to pay you back for what they, or it, may have done. God is the only one that can pay you back for the hurts that you have endured, so stop looking to people and the situations to pay you back for the hurt you have encountered. God will do that. In the mean time forgive them, the situation, and let it all go because you know that they can not pay you back. And why hold on to a debt that you know can not be paid anyway? To put it a simple way, you have workmans comp, if you get hurt on the job of doing God's will God will pay you back.

3. You are blocking your own happiness and blessings. Jesus said many many many times to forgive. The number one reason is so that the enemy would not get a hold on your life. God can only work through love, not hate. So if you are walking in love, mercy, and forgiveness the enemy can not touch you. As soon as you get out of the will of God, which is to love, that is when the enemy has a door open opportunity to come into your life. I heard a preacher once say, that the holy spirit, which is the spirit of love, must leave the earth first before the evil one comes. Isn't that a powerful saying. Love must leave first before the evil one can take control. So what does that say about our lives? Once love leaves that is when the enemy has a prime time opportunity to take over and destroy our lives. Forgive and walk in love to keep the enemy out of your life.

 

[myanchor]

Wow, good question. I think my final being able to forgive him happened after the last quarter of the year in 08. God said, I want you to pray for him, not about him. My reaction to that was to say the least not postive. The first few times I was finally obedient to God, I felt like I was going to throw up. But I did, and as I prayed for him, I started to feel the love of Christ for him. I still don't like him and he doesn't deserve to be called my brother, only my older sibling. But at my dad's funeral I was able to touch him without anger and tell him I was praying for him.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Thank you both for your feedback. I'm struggling with this area.

Unity, as I do not know you, if I may ask, I'm wondering if you have experienced ongoing, life threatening abuse? As you write ou the scripture of how to forgive, my head understands, this is a horribly frightening event.

You don't have to answer of course.

myanchor, thank you for your words of experience. I've been having a really tough time and some of the things you have said ring loud in my ears.

 

[UnitynLove]

Thank you both for your feedback. I'm struggling with this area.

Unity, as I do not know you, if I may ask, I'm wondering if you have experienced ongoing, life threatening abuse? As you write ou the scripture of how to forgive, my head understands, this is a horribly frightening event.

You don't have to answer of course.

myanchor, thank you for your words of experience. I've been having a really tough time and some of the things you have said ring loud in my ears.

Yes I have. I was molested by so many people in my life and I had to learn how to forgive all of them. I was soooooo angry you don't even know I lived such a horrible existence. I tried to forgive but I couldn't. Then one day I ask the Lord, please help me and show me how to do this I want to be free. And with much prayer and reading the word and the beautides of Jesus he showed me the way and the steps. Jesus said that we will have to do this often because in this world we SHALL have tribulations, and it is IMPOSSIBLE THAT "NO!!" tribulation shall come, but to be cheerful because his word (his way of doing things) has overcome the world.

Check out my thread on "Finally Realized Why Jesus Said To Forgive, Pray For, And Bless Those That Hurt You"

http://www.christianforums.com/t7377664/

 

[AS4JC91]

Hello Kristen (I assume that's your name).
I'm almost 18. I went through intense physical, verbal and emotional abuse from my mother when I was a little girl. I grew up very confused, as I loved my mum dearly, and angry. I had to lie to protect Mum as I feared I'd be taken away from my family. My mum had grown up verbally abused by her parents, her father in particular as he suffered emotional strain from his childhood during the London Blitz, and so a cycle started.
As I had been born out of wedlock to my mum when she was 19, all the self-loathing and shame she felt from that passed onto me. I honestly don't remember a time when I 'loved myself'.
By the time I was 5 I thought I was stupid, worthless and parasitical to my family purely because of what she told me. When I found out that I had an unknown father who didn't want to raise me the feelings were made worse. I was also bullied in primary school. By the time I was 9 I contemplated suicide until Year 6 when things started to look up for me.
A couple of years ago Mum and I started to get prayer-counselling and since then things have been great. I have fully forgiven my Mum (and other people) and she and I have a great relationship. Does this mean I pretend nothing happened? Absolutely not. Do I believe what she did was right? No; even she knew it was wrong.
I pray that in your journey of coming to forgive your abuser that you may gain wisdom, healing and restoration to your soul.
All the love in Christ
AS4JC91