Bipolar Spouses

[mulledvine]

I am surprised and immensely pleased to find this subject on a Christian forum.

I have been married 18 years to my wife who was diagnosed 2-3 years ago with Bipolar Disorder. We had no idea at all before that. Her behaviour changed and she gradually became more and more deranged. Eventually she had to be hospitalised. I remember that as if it were yesterday as my darknest night. I had no idea what mental hospitals were like and imagined her in a padded cell. I went to visit her the next morning but she didn't recognise me. I cursed God that night.

Now a few years later its settled down with the help of medication but every now and then there is a blip.

I'll be honest in that I find it immensely difficult being her husband, because my wife as I recognised is no longer there. Instead there is this illness cluttering her personality. I try to love her because that's what I committed too all those years ago, but when she has a go at me for some random thing I didn't do then I just want to run away and hide.

I'd love to know the experiences of other husbands out there.

 

[Alive again]

Welcome to the BP forums at CF. Most of us here do deal with this illness ourselves. We do have family members that come from time to time. Perhaps we need to asl the administrator for a specific subforum for family members. Know you are welcome here, we will support you and do all we can to help you and pray for you, etc. You will find this a very accepting and supportive group. If you live in the US I would recommend a program by NAMI called Family2Family. It is an educational series for fmaily members. I can only speak for myself. It truly sounds like your wife has a serious form of bp. I am sorry for both of your sufferings in this ol' world. I pray you will be blessed and strengthed for your righteous choice. I know that fo rme the number one thing that makes me suicidal is when I lose it and do something so out of character for me (l;ike get into a rage over some nonsensical thing) My hubby and I are blessed as that is less frequent for me. My hubby suffers from depression. so he does occasional visits to what I call crazy land, where his anger spikes out of control and he demands two opposite things, etc. Please feel free to post here or pm any of us. We are here for you as much as any one else. Blessings and prayers.

 

[mulledvine]

Ok, thanks. A separate forum might be an idea, but it'll still be interesting for me here to understand more what its like to be bipolar. I'm in the UK.

Robert aka mulledvine (also at mulledvine.blogspot.com)

 

[Soulwings]

I second Alive's welcome, Robert. There really aren't that many people on this board that are spouses of those with bipolar, but if there are any questions that we can answer, we would be more than happy to oblige, I am sure.

It does sound like your wife has the more "serious" form of bipolar (I say "serious" because both types of bipolar, I and II, are serious, but type I is more dramatic in mood swings and shifts etc.). What meds is she on? is she in any type of therapy? If she is on meds and is still having difficulty, I would think that perhaps those meds aren't the ones for her and maybe different ones should be tried. There are pretty good ones out there. Mood stabilizers, antipsychotics - I am on both - antidepressants (although sometimes they can spike bipolar people into hypo/mania, so watch out), antianxiety meds (many people with bipolar also have anxiety issues - I am one of those lucky people ). Be informed. I don't know how much you know about bipolar, but if you really want to read up on it, the first book I would recommend is Bipolar Disorder for Dummies. It is more for the newly diagnosed bipolar patient, but it has quite a few pertinent chapters on what bipolar is, what treatment is best, and a chapter on different meds used to treat it. Also, a section for family members who care for loved ones with bipolar.

Hope some of that helped. If you have any questions to ask, or if your wife wants support, feel free to ask or direct her here, respectively. This board is full of amazing people and I have never gotten so much support for my illness as I have here. Kudos to you for seeking out information etc. here. It shows that you really do care about your wife (and I can completely understand how it would be difficult to be married to a bipolar person - I see my husband struggle a bit with patience and perseverence whenever I am in a depressive/hypomanic phase).

 

[FragileWinter]

I may not have a lot of information for you because I am:
1. Still undiagnosed
2. Dating, not married, but I do talk often about how my boyfriend feels.

We started dating when my symptoms started occurring. He went through stages. First he would not understand and joke about it. Then he denied it. Then he grew angry about it. Finally he accepted it. He has been one of my biggest supporters besides my singing teacher. I'm so lucky to have him and his kindness. When I am angry, he takes my yelling without saying anything back. When I'm depressed, he holds me until I can stop crying. When I am extremely happy, he makes sure I don't do anything stupid while not being obvious. When I am anxious, he will either hold my hand or not touch me while talking me calm (depending on how anxious I am I either can't be touched or need to be touched). His support has been the world to me, and I know that I would be worse off without him.

And don't worry. There have been times when he wanted to give up too. He left me for a week because he couldn't take it. It turns out all he needed was a break and more knowledge on the subject. I will be praying that things are better and I hope my talk helped.

 

[mulledvine]

Thank you for the responses.

SoulWings, the BP for Dummies sounds intriguing. She is on Lithium and Depakote (for the psychosis) which has worked the best so far. We struggled with the national health service here in the UK for ages which is free but its difficult to get timely access to specialists. Now we are going private at our own expense so things are better. Apart from the weight gain which we've gotten used to now but was an issue for both of us in the beginning, its just the anxiety in public situations that remains. She is seeing a therapist which is very helpful both to her and to me (because she doesn't feel she has to share absolutely everything with me). Sounds odd perhaps, but everytime she starts saying "I was thinking" I get a sinking feeling in my stomach...

FragileWinter, sounds like you have a good man there. I think many might have run a mile.

 

[madison1101]

Greetings,
I echo the suggestion to the Mods to open up a family section for family members who need info.

In the meantime, I was only recently diagnosed bipolar. Prior to that, I had borderline personality disorder, which has behaviors that mimic bipolar, and is very destructive to intimate relationships. My husband left me seven years ago, because of my anger and rages toward him.

That said, I can only encourage you to educate yourself as much as possible. Seek individual therapy for yourself to help you cope with your feelings that come up as a result of your wife's behaviors. Pray for your wife, and yourself, as the Holy Spirit can work in both you in ways you would not believe.

Here in the U.S. we have an author by the name of Stormie O'Martian who writes books on prayer. She has a series called, "The Power of..." I have read "The Power of a Praying Wife." Here is her website: http://www.stormieomartian.com/home.cfm

God bless.
Trish

 

[FragileWinter]

FragileWinter, sounds like you have a good man there. I think many might have run a mile.

Yes. Sadly, this is true. He's wonderful. I don't tell him that enough. He has his own problems as well (he likes to keep them private so I won't share). That may be the root of his deep understanding. We help and support eachother, I suppose.

 

[Soulwings]

Mulled - I second Madison's idea: seek out therapy yourself, whether it is individual (for her, as you mentioned, but also for yourself, to help you cope), or couples' (to figure out how to get things "working" again between you; pretty much to revive your marriage as best as you can, give you both hope for the future, etc., etc.).

It is okay for your wife to not feel as though she has to share everything with you, especially if it hurts/scares/worries/frustrates you when she says "I was thinking..." Don't feel as though you have to shoulder everything for her. I don't know if you do feel that way, but I know that a lot of men would. She is in therapy for a reason, and her therapist can help support some of the weight of her bipolar, so you don't have to do it all on your own. That would be hard for anyone.

Has she seen about anxiety meds for the social anxiety? (which is what it sounds like? forgive me if I am wrong) I am on Neurontin (gabapentin), 900mg/day, which is a calming drug - doesn't work immediately but over time builds and calms; and Klonopin (clonazepam) which works in small doses (I take 1mg - 1.5mg/day depending on my anxiety level). It doesn't take very long to act, and while it is addictive, it really, really helps. There are also plenty of other meds out there for anxiety, as I am sure you are aware. One that I would be cautious about is Ativan (lorazepam) as it can wear off quite quickly and cause rebound anxiety - anxiety that is worse than the anxiety the pill was taken to head off.

Anyway. I hope some of that was helpful. Hang tough. Make time for prayer with you and your wife - it strengthens marriages no matter what, and it sounds like you could use some of God's strength and peace to weather through this storm (sorry for the cliché, but it fits).

 

[Jeshu]

Thank you for the responses.

SoulWings, the BP for Dummies sounds intriguing. She is on Lithium and Depakote (for the psychosis) which has worked the best so far. We struggled with the national health service here in the UK for ages which is free but its difficult to get timely access to specialists. Now we are going private at our own expense so things are better. Apart from the weight gain which we've gotten used to now but was an issue for both of us in the beginning, its just the anxiety in public situations that remains. She is seeing a therapist which is very helpful both to her and to me (because she doesn't feel she has to share absolutely everything with me). Sounds odd perhaps, but everytime she starts saying "I was thinking" I get a sinking feeling in my stomach...

FragileWinter, sounds like you have a good man there. I think many might have run a mile.

Hi,

You know often medications cannot heal us, just bring more stability in a world gone crazy and after more stability has been achieved, behavioural problems and bad habits still need to be addressed anyway. Carefully in the light of a loving and gracious God and Big Brother, without any socio- religious taboos or demands.

The best help I got was E.C.T, as medications never seem to work well for me. Electro Convulsive Treatments are painless, quick and tidy.

It knocked my depression for 6 and improved my overall mental state by 70-80 percent in just 4 months. The only real other effect was rather severe memory loss, though this seemed to have repaired itself over time. (1 year +) My wife got me back and I got myself back, though I'm still sick, nowhere near the level of madness it has been in the past.

I advice anyone to have ECT treatment it is a bit scary but very effective, especially for depression and psychosis.

Gerry

 

[bipolarbear]

Hello and welcome! I have read most of this thread, and see others have said and given the same answers I was thinking! My Beloved is a member, but it has been so long since he last logged on, I doubt he remembers his password, giggle... I use to go to my Beloved with everything, and every thought. It got to the point where it was bad for him, as he was concerned about not being able to trust me because of what I said about what I felt. I stopped, and eventually learned that it is too much to ask of one person to be your only outlet! It is unhealthy for both involved! I keep alot of my "crazy" thoughts to myself, or tell them to my Tdoc as needed. Journaling helps, though I have not regularly journaled since last year. I have Bipolar Depression Ultra Rapid Cycling, w/ Anxiety disorder... Not much fun, but when I do have a good full day, I cherish it! I have been having more of them lately! I have learned that my Beloved has needed to find a balance between Loving and supporting me, and Not enabling me... He is firm, encouraging, but dosen't allow me to how do I pit it... give up, or curl up in a ball and hide, and pout and feel sorry for myself. I try really hard, but its like flexing a muscle, sometimes you just have to relax, and when I do, it is not so much fun! I encourage you to pray, and pray with your wife too! You need to find a way to cope with her illness, as clearly it affects you daily, because you are her Husband. I encourage you to keep coming back, as others have said, read up on BP, and remember, when she is talking crazy, it's Not her, its the BP, and the feelings she is having at the time are not her true feelings, (as powerfull as they may be at the time!) and they Will pass! Take it in small steps. Sometimes I take it a day at a time, other times I literally mannage though 5 minutes at a time. I hope you can find something useful in my ramblings! The wife you know and love is Not lost to this illness, she is still there, she just has to work at finding her way back. Something she has to do... You cannot do it for her. She can make it as hard as it is, and so can you! Working indipendantly together, and being supportive is not abandoning her. It is benificial to both of you! Sometimes these things just take a lot a Time, Love and Prayer! God Bless!

 

[mulledvine]

Bipolarbear. Thank you so much.