- Jun 24, 2003
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I see forgiveness as wiping someone's slate clean. It is where you no longer require indemnification for a wrong commit. I don't see it as condoning or encouraging the action in any way. I think it is very much for the benefit of the forgiver, as they are the ones hurt by whatever they are forgiving the forgivee for doing. To forgive or not, the forgiver is the one who has the power to let all parties involved learn from the situation and move on in whichever way they see fit. I do not think an apology (or even a genuine one) is required. Since it isn't for the forgivee, the forgivee needn't even know they were forgiven.
I think there are a lot of things that prevent forgiveness. I don't just mean saying you forgive, but really forgiving the wrong done. Pride is a big issue; it is hard to mend a hurt ego. I think feelings of guilt can be a factor too. If you feel guilty in any way (admitted or not), it is hard to forgive others because you'll have to forgive yourself and that oftentimes seems to be the hardest type of forgiveness to come by. Feelings of betrayal or abused trust prevent forgiveness because we can worry our forgiveness is taken as a free ticket and the crime will be commit again.
I think far too many people view it in a light of forgive and forget instead of forgive and live. I think an attitude of forgive and forget is unhealthy. Both parties (forgiver and forgivee) need to learn from what happened to continue their journey of self improvement, else they will fall into that trap time and time again. I think it also places unfair pressure on folks to both forgive and forget. It places a social pressure to forgive immediately before forgiveness could be theraputic. Anger has taken on such negative implications in today's societies that premature forgiveness is all too common. I think it also makes the forgivenesses not as genuine or helpful.
I do think people should allow themselves to go through the grieving process before forgiveness otherwise they might never deal with what happened to them in such a way they cannot deal with it in the future. I don't think everything needs to be forgiven either. I think in 2006 forgiveness and apologies have taken on less of a meaning and are diluted. So I burned dinner, it was an accident but am I really really sorry? No. It embarrassed me, but what harm was really done? So I dropped someone's pencil as I was trying to hand it back to them. Am I really sorry? What would being sorry for that accomplish or mean? I won't worry about it in five minutes, so is it even worth it? To be sorry in those instances is to be a people-pleaser and while some levels of pleasing others is fine, to do it to such a degree can be unhealthy.
Do I think we ever need to forgive others? Perhaps, but I think it would vary on an individual basis. What I might need to forgive you for, USincognito might not need to, and what USincognito might need to forgive you for, MightyHalo might not. If it is something you obsess over being made right, but can never really be indemnified, then yeah - forgiveness might be something you should consider.
My one sentence answer I told you I had would have been: Without speaking to him since it happened, I forgave ABCD for raping me.
A wet blanket, the wet willie is over in a matter of seconds, a wet blanket isn't.
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