Bible study?......NO WAY!

[freedmfighter]

Yep...that was my husband's responce when I asked him if I could go back to tuesday morning bible studies. (kids are at school at this time).
His reason...is that he doesn't have time to do the things what he wants to do and when he wants to do something he wants to do without me and the girls. (He does have time but uses it for an excuse)
Okey...here's abit of our background.

MY husband has his own business and is semi-retired. I"m a sahm that helps out with his business. Majority of the time I"m at home to answer the phones. One wednesday nights I have training nights with the local ambulance and put in volunteer duty hours on every other saturday afternoon for couple of hours. Husband doesn't mind it at this point. (He has benefited from my first-aid training)

But the thing is....I've told him many times...to go to the saturday morning men's bible study at our church...or get involved with the local rod and gun club...anything.... without me and the girls. He doesn't want to do that becuase he has no friends to go there with. So...he's making the choice not to go. So...now because of his decision... it's absolutely unfair to him that I want to go to bible study.

So....how do I deal with this. I thought married couples were supposed to encourage each other to grow in God...not the other way around. So I'm totally baffled by this.

For those who have been denied to go to bible studies by your spouse...how have you dealt with it? and....what did you do about it?

 

[Hetta]

I have never been denied to go to a Bible study, and it sounds ridiculous. In your place, I wouldn't "ask" again, I would wait until Tuesday morning and say "I am going to Bible study. The phones will go to voicemail, and everything else is taken care. I'll see you when I get back." Speak calmly and firmly, no hesitation, no "uptalk" - you know, when your voice has a question mark at the end of the sentence? It's a done deal, you are just letting him know!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Yep...that was my husband's responce when I asked him if I could go back to tuesday morning bible studies. (kids are at school at this time).
His reason...is that he doesn't have time to do the things what he wants to do and when he wants to do something he wants to do without me and the girls. (He does have time but uses it for an excuse)
Okey...here's abit of our background.

MY husband has his own business and is semi-retired. I"m a sahm that helps out with his business. Majority of the time I"m at home to answer the phones. One wednesday nights I have training nights with the local ambulance and put in volunteer duty hours on every other saturday afternoon for couple of hours. Husband doesn't mind it at this point. (He has benefited from my first-aid training)

But the thing is....I've told him many times...to go to the saturday morning men's bible study at our church...or get involved with the local rod and gun club...anything.... without me and the girls. He doesn't want to do that becuase he has no friends to go there with. So...he's making the choice not to go. So...now because of his decision... it's absolutely unfair to him that I want to go to bible study.

So....how do I deal with this. I thought married couples were supposed to encourage each other to grow in God...not the other way around. So I'm totally baffled by this.

For those who have been denied to go to bible studies by your spouse...how have you dealt with it? and....what did you do about it?

Well, Tuesday AM is business hours and the other things you have are during non-business hours. Besides the issue of who's going to answer the phones while you're away, it looks like the time that you have other things going on are during off-business hours where your husband could be doing something on his own.

If it were me, I'd do home Bible study, host it at your house while still doing your work, or talk to him about when he wants time to himself and let him have it. After a few weeks or a month, revisit the issue. Yes, couples should encourage each other to grow in God, but they're also supposed to be supportive of each other, their needs, and seek compromise. Even if it's God, it doesn't mean you'll get an unconditional "OK" to do your thing.

And as somebody who tells my husband that I need more "me" time and was routinely told "you do have time, you just don't use it," let me just tell you, that response made me crazy. I finally wrote down everything I did and the times for the week and gave it to him, and he saw that all this time I supposedly had to myself just wasn't there and he realized that the response "you have the time, you just don't take it" or saying "you do have the time, that's not true" sounded like a parent chastising a child and not a partner hearing that the other partner has a lot of pressure on them and needs support.

 

[ValleyGal]

Your husband won't go to places on his own because he has no friends to go with, but it's at places like clubs and Bible studies that he's going to make friends to go with!

If he is semi-retired, can't he be the one to answer his own phones once a week for a couple of hours? Or can't he forward the calls to a cell phone?

And I have a question for you...why do you tell (encourage) him to go to Bible studies, yet you feel the need to "ask" him if you can go to one? Why ask? Do you need permission?

In my marriage, I will let my husband know that there is something I want to do. If it clashes with other plans, we talk about which is more important; if it does not clash with other plans, I go. I do not need permissions.

 

[Niffer]

I actually think that couples should refer to eachother whenever they make a decision, and asking if it works to go to a Bible study makes complete sense, in case there is a clash of scheduling.

I wouldn't recommend you "just go".

I don't think its fair that he keep you from going because he doesn't want to go, and that he has no interest in getting more involved.
If you are absolutely NEEDED on Tuesday mornings to answer the phone or do business stuff, try to compromise - maybe find a weekend/evening bible study, or go to every other, if it's weekly.
The best thing you can do is keep talking to him, let him no how much you'd like to go, ask for a compromise or just simple understanding that you'd like to go, and want him to be ok with that.

Praying for you,
~ Niffer

 

[freedmfighter]

THanks for replies.....it has helped me to get my thoughts straightened out.
Normaly when my husband is working on tuesdays...I will stay home and be the secretary and I have no problem with that....but if he's at home because there is no jobs on that day....I would love to have the freedom to go to the bible study. But to tell me not to go...because it's no fair....has really ruffled my feathers.
Just for your information...this a women's bible study and actually I would be the youngest female attending out five women. There are home groups we can attend to through our church and they are in the evenings....he refuses to go to those because he doesn't know those people and who's going to babysit the kids (our girls are 10). So...I feel like I'm being punished because ...it's no fair.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

THanks for replies.....it has helped me to get my thoughts straightened out.
Normaly when my husband is working on tuesdays...I will stay home and be the secretary and I have no problem with that....but if he's at home because there is no jobs on that day....I would love to have the freedom to go to the bible study. But to tell me not to go...because it's no fair....has really ruffled my feathers.
Just for your information...this a women's bible study and actually I would be the youngest female attending out five women. There are home groups we can attend to through our church and they are in the evenings....he refuses to go to those because he doesn't know those people and who's going to babysit the kids (our girls are 10). So...I feel like I'm being punished because ...it's no fair.

I doubt you're being punished "just because." He feels like he doesn't get time to himself and he may resent that while he feels like he has no time to himself, you're able to take time to yourself, leaving either work or the kids on him.

Rarely do people, especially spouses, do things to people "just because." The question is if you can, or want to, get to the root of the issue.

 

[Hetta]

THanks for replies.....it has helped me to get my thoughts straightened out.
Normaly when my husband is working on tuesdays...I will stay home and be the secretary and I have no problem with that....but if he's at home because there is no jobs on that day....I would love to have the freedom to go to the bible study. But to tell me not to go...because it's no fair....has really ruffled my feathers.
Just for your information...this a women's bible study and actually I would be the youngest female attending out five women. There are home groups we can attend to through our church and they are in the evenings....he refuses to go to those because he doesn't know those people and who's going to babysit the kids (our girls are 10). So...I feel like I'm being punished because ...it's no fair.

I reiterate. If he's home on Tuesday, pack up your Bible and tell him you will be gone for an hour, and will see him when you get back. I don't agree that spouses need to ask for permission to go to a Bible study. It's one thing to say what you want to do and make sure that everything is covered - child care, phones in your case - it's quite another to give another person the power to deny you the opportunity to worship with others. He needs to work on his issues and you need to develop a backbone.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Yep...that was my husband's responce when I asked him if I could go back to tuesday morning bible studies. (kids are at school at this time).
His reason...is that he doesn't have time to do the things what he wants to do and when he wants to do something he wants to do without me and the girls. (He does have time but uses it for an excuse)
Okey...here's abit of our background.

MY husband has his own business and is semi-retired. I"m a sahm that helps out with his business. Majority of the time I"m at home to answer the phones. One wednesday nights I have training nights with the local ambulance and put in volunteer duty hours on every other saturday afternoon for couple of hours. Husband doesn't mind it at this point. (He has benefited from my first-aid training)

But the thing is....I've told him many times...to go to the saturday morning men's bible study at our church...or get involved with the local rod and gun club...anything.... without me and the girls. He doesn't want to do that becuase he has no friends to go there with. So...he's making the choice not to go. So...now because of his decision... it's absolutely unfair to him that I want to go to bible study.

So....how do I deal with this. I thought married couples were supposed to encourage each other to grow in God...not the other way around. So I'm totally baffled by this.

For those who have been denied to go to bible studies by your spouse...how have you dealt with it? and....what did you do about it?

Some answers are just so simple. How you 'deal with it' is you inform him on Tuesday morning that you are going to bible study, and you go. Also, continue to suggest the bible study on Saturday for him. There is no logical reason for him not to, especially if the group is already established. One thing I struggle with personally is breaking into a group that I don't know, until I get acquainted with the group. And that may be what's keeping him from it himself. However, what I find is that my fears are usually unfounded and I fit right in after the first sip of coffee and 'hello' from one of the brothers in the group. Use this as reasoning for him to get involved.

His reluctance, however, should not be used as reason for him to say no to you. Do what you need to do to stay spiritually fit.

ETA: I'm curious as to why your husband expects you to be home to handle business calls even when he is? My wife and I are both well-versed in phone etiquette so that if one of us is expecting an important call, either one of us can handle that if the other is not here. If your husband is self-employed, he should reasonably be able to handle that responsibility if you are not present. It sounds to me like an unreasonable manipulation that isn't related to his business, but more-so to his insecurities.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

His reason...is that he doesn't have time to do the things what he wants to do and when he wants to do something he wants to do without me and the girls. (He does have time but uses it for an excuse)

That says it all. Apparently he doesn't have time for God. If hes putting other things in front of God then he has a much bigger problem. I have things I live to do, but I always make sure I put God first. I "could" stay up all night Saturday to catch up on tv shows....or I could make sure I go to church instead. I could rush to the computer to see my wife everyone morning right out of bed... or I could do devotions and prayer in the morning and then talk to her. So on and so on.

While bible study isn't a sin not to do, its certainly a good thing TO do for many reasons. I did them all the time. I haven't really done them in years per say. Its why I come on here daily to learn things and discuss things. Once my wife is here we will have our own and try to find a group to go to. As you said we are to encourage our spouse to grow, not do the opposite.

My dad used to go to morning bible studies but he stopped and my mom was frustrated that he stopped. He said its because he prefers going to the lake to read for a few hours. Hes never been 100% sociable. Anything outside of being "funny" all the time is hard for him.

I'd tell him (your husband) hes also setting a poor example to your kids. All they will learn is "I don't really have to do any christian activities if I have something else I want to do instead!".

 

[LinkH]

I actually think that couples should refer to eachother whenever they make a decision, and asking if it works to go to a Bible study makes complete sense, in case there is a clash of scheduling.

I wouldn't recommend you "just go".

I agree with this advice.

The best thing you can do is keep talking to him, let him no how much you'd like to go, ask for a compromise or just simple understanding that you'd like to go, and want him to be ok with that.

And that, too.

Freedom Fighter
You wouldn't want to create a problem in your relationship with your husband in a way that is displeasing to God...to go to a Bible study.

My likes to pray, and sometimes she'll get up in the middle of the night and pray. When we first got married, she woke up at about 2 AM and had the light on and was praying loudly on the bed right next to me, lost in intercession. I asked her if she wouldn't mind going into one of the other rooms in the house and praying. She did, sulking as she went. She seemed to feel like I was persecuting her for being made not to feel free to pray on her bed. I said that wasn't the issue. She was talking loudly with the light on while I was sleeping. She is a heavy sleeper, so maybe she couldn't relate. Right now, she's sleeping through the baby jumping up and down in the crib and yelling some baby gibberish

My point is I did not want to shut down or hinder her prayer life. I had reasons for asking her to pray elsewhere. Your husband probably has reasons for not wanting to join in or let you go to this Bible study. They may not be the best reasons, but it may be best to be patient and try to keep a dialogue about it open until you can reach an agreement on your schedule. If you can both agree you need more fellowship, that would be good for him, too.

 

[Inkachu]

Yep...that was my husband's responce when I asked him if I could go back to tuesday morning bible studies. (kids are at school at this time).
His reason...is that he doesn't have time to do the things what he wants to do and when he wants to do something he wants to do without me and the girls. (He does have time but uses it for an excuse)
Okey...here's abit of our background.

MY husband has his own business and is semi-retired. I"m a sahm that helps out with his business. Majority of the time I"m at home to answer the phones. One wednesday nights I have training nights with the local ambulance and put in volunteer duty hours on every other saturday afternoon for couple of hours. Husband doesn't mind it at this point. (He has benefited from my first-aid training)

But the thing is....I've told him many times...to go to the saturday morning men's bible study at our church...or get involved with the local rod and gun club...anything.... without me and the girls. He doesn't want to do that becuase he has no friends to go there with. So...he's making the choice not to go. So...now because of his decision... it's absolutely unfair to him that I want to go to bible study.

So....how do I deal with this. I thought married couples were supposed to encourage each other to grow in God...not the other way around. So I'm totally baffled by this.

For those who have been denied to go to bible studies by your spouse...how have you dealt with it? and....what did you do about it?

Typical. He's being a big baby. Go to the Bible study. He doesn't own you or command you. Don't be belligerent about it, don't be snarky, don't give him any further reason to engage in his toddler-worthy tantrum. Just say "I'm going to the Bible study this week, and I hope sometime you'll consider going to one, too. I love you."

 

[hijklmnop]

I would just go. He has no good reason to ask that you don't, let alone forbid you.

 

[Hetta]

My likes to pray, and sometimes she'll get up in the middle of the night and pray. When we first got married, she woke up at about 2 AM and had the light on and was praying loudly on the bed right next to me, lost in intercession. I asked her if she wouldn't mind going into one of the other rooms in the house and praying. She did, sulking as she went. She seemed to feel like I was persecuting her for being made not to feel free to pray on her bed. I said that wasn't the issue. She was talking loudly with the light on while I was sleeping. She is a heavy sleeper, so maybe she couldn't relate. Right now, she's sleeping through the baby jumping up and down in the crib and yelling some baby gibberish

Your wife was inconsiderate, disturbing your sleep. This woman is not disturbing anyone or anything. She's just going to a bible study .. in daylight .. so there is no comparison.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If my husband told me he didn't want me to do something because he feels he doesn't get enough time to himself and I just blew him off and went anyway, it would lead to a pretty blowout fight. It's a really kind of underhanded, passive aggressive thing to do which conveys the message "I don't care what your opinion is, I'm going to do what I want to do anyway" and "I don't care that you shared with me something that is bothering you, this is about me." Neither of those are great messages to leave with your spouse.

I mean, what was the point of asking if she was just going to go anyway regardless of his opinions?

I still think the respectful thing to do here would be to give him the time to himself he's asking for, even if it means taking the kids and going out and leaving him alone at home, then revisiting the issue in a few weeks, or doing it during non-business hours, or hosting it yourself. Not just pick up the keys on Tuesday morning and head out the door to do what you want and leave him with the mess, his hurt feelings, and probable resentment that, yet again, you're out of the house doing something you want to do and he isn't.

 

[dayhiker]

I guess I'd actually be most concern that your husband doesn't have any friends. Even more that he isn't willing to get out and get some. To me that is the most important thing for you to pray and then figure out how to help me see how important that he has friends to talk to and engage with in some activity.

I never got to where I didn't have friends, but I didn't have many and didn't hang out much with the ones I did have. When I was told how important that was, and I could see the problems that were arising because I didn't, I was willing to start to get them. I did and its been a blessing in my life.

 

[Inkachu]

She isn't asking to go on a freakin' 7 day sabbatical at the beach with her girlfriends or something. She wants to attend a BIBLE STUDY... ONCE a week. Hardly anything she needs "permission" for. If he'd had a valid excuse that he was willing to discuss, I'd say sit down and work it out. But his response was "NO! Because "I" don't get to do what "I" want, so YOU can't do what YOU want!" I mean, how juvenile can you get?? A man like that does not get the privilege of an adult conversation, IMO, because he's acting like an overgrown baby. If he figures out that he needs to suck it up and act his age, and then comes to her like.. oh, I don't know.. a MAN.. and says "honey, let's talk about this and see how we can make it work for both of us", then I'd say to revisit it with him.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

If my husband told me he didn't want me to do something because he feels he doesn't get enough time to himself and I just blew him off and went anyway, it would lead to a pretty blowout fight. It's a really kind of underhanded, passive aggressive thing to do which conveys the message "I don't care what your opinion is, I'm going to do what I want to do anyway" and "I don't care that you shared with me something that is bothering you, this is about me." Neither of those are great messages to leave with your spouse.

I mean, what was the point of asking if she was just going to go anyway regardless of his opinions?

I still think the respectful thing to do here would be to give him the time to himself he's asking for, even if it means taking the kids and going out and leaving him alone at home, then revisiting the issue in a few weeks, or doing it during non-business hours, or hosting it yourself. Not just pick up the keys on Tuesday morning and head out the door to do what you want and leave him with the mess, his hurt feelings, and probable resentment that, yet again, you're out of the house doing something you want to do and he isn't.

Here's the issue. The "mess" (what mess, btw???), hurt feelings, and resentment are HIS. They belong to him. To make her take ownership is unfair to her, and is keeping her from doing something that will add to her spiritual growth. Of course, we want her to address the isolation issues with her husband, as it appears he has very few male peers, and this is keeping him from being active. But if this is his only rationale (i.e. I don't have any peers that I do anything with, so why should you be able to have any activities that you engage in without me?) it's unfair. She is not being unreasonable in going to a bible study, then at the same time suggesting solutions for him to overcome his uneasiness in becoming active with male peers as well.

Here's a scenario. When I first came to Canada, my wife had friends she went to have coffee with (and still does). I didn't know a single person. Now I could do as the OP's husband is doing and say "NO WAY!" when my wife said she was going for coffee with a friend. Now, can you imagine it??? For no better reason than I didn't know anyone and was not at ease being by myself. and I'll bet that if I posted something like that here I would get a severe tongue lashing from all of you (go on, admit it )...

All that to say... Let the lady go to her bible study, let the husband work through his issues of hurt feelings and resentment, and by the grace of God he might just find out that there are people out there for him too if he'd just make an effort.

 

[McScribe]

I dunno, I think some really good advice has been given by Tropical Wilds and Valleygal about talking it through and exploring other possibilities. I think it's important with stuff like this to focus on the end game, not on the process; the process is only useful when it comes to the end game.

 

[freedmfighter]

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. It all has been helpful one way or another. It got to the point that maybe I was asking too much to have some freedom to go the bible studies, but as I can see it's more about him with his pride and insecurities.

Honestly....when I asked him if I could go.....I just about started WW3. The only postive thing I did was not to react and keep my emotions under control. After that I thought I might be selfish in asking to go to bible studies but the more info he fed me in regards to his feelings and how he reacted....it was all about his pride and insecurties.

THe thought of bringing up this subject again is creating alot of anxiety in me, but I'll find another way to go..one way or another, without him knowing because right now I really need some counseling on how to mentally and emotionally deal with this issue.

My christian walk has been stagnant for quite a few years and I'm tired of it. So for those of you that are reading my posts...please pray for my husband that God will deal with his heart and for me as well. What I really need at the moment is peace.....peace in my heart, mind and emotions.

Thanks once again for all your kind replies and for all your positive suggestions.