Bf found out that I'm not a virgin

[applefaceee]

I have a question about non-virgin and virgin relationships. Regrettably, I fell into sexual sin with my long term non-Christian ex-bf. It was a mixture of pressure from him, my own insecurities and my disobedience towards God that caused me to sin. So I broke it off with him a while ago because I was constantly convicted by the holy spirit and it prompted me to finally break up. I've used the time between then until now to work on my relationship with God, repenting my sins and meditating on his Word every day. He has made many changes in me and I have cut off much negative/sinful influences in my life such as secular media and non-Christian friends who have had a bad influence on me.

So I've recently met a Christian man and we started courtship after being friends for half a year. We both prayed about it for months and finally God brought us together through different situations. He is one of the most godly men I've met and we are on the same page in terms of spiritual goals and our faith. He believes that we are made for each other because I fulfil all the qualities he was looking for in a wife (thinker, willing to always help to the best of my ability, willing to listen and consider his advices, love for God). We were planning to get engaged very soon because we felt that each other was the one. We connect on a deep emotional and spiritual level and have agreed on no physical contact until marriage. We have only been together officially for a few days and the topic of sex came up. He assumed I was a virgin (he knows about my ex-bf) but I wanted to be honest with him so I confessed. He had to end the conversation and asked me to give him time to pray about it. He felt deceived and angry at the fact that I met my ex-bf in the first place. I was initially upset because he promised me that I can trust him and be honest about my past without having to worry about him leaving me but that moment, I felt so broken. The love I felt for this man is entirely different from my ex-bf...we actually feel the emotional connection whereas the previous relationship was just to fulfil my desire for male attention. I can't describe the feeling but it just feels totally different as we place God first in our relationship.

As I prayed to God, I felt him speaking to me about submitting our relationship to him just like how I prayed previously (If you trust me, are you willing to sacrifice this man?). I sad "yes Lord, no matter what the outcome of our relationship is, I believe that you have a greater plan for me and that my worth is not bound to my sinful past but to who I am now in you". I felt a sudden peace, especially after reading Proverbs 10 (12 Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.) Now, I've decided to just love this man in the way God wants me to love him (mercy, gracefulness, unconditional love) even if he decides to break up with me. I think if the relationship doesn't work out, it's God telling me that I deserve a man who is able to forgive and accept my past. Instead of resenting my bf for withdrawing from me, I feel that I just need to love him and pray for him during this difficult time. My heart hurts for hurting him (I will do anything to make him feel better because I truly love him) but I know there is nothing I can do to change my past. The only thing I can do is to change who I am now and develop everyday to be more Christ-like. That is why I really respect our boundaries i.e. no physical touch or intimacy before our wedding day.

Even if it doesn't work out between us, I will continue to pray for him to find his future wife who happens to fit all the things he is looking for and is also a virgin. Is this the right thing to do? Should I do anything to reach out and help my man during this difficult time as he tries to process the new information?

 

[Albion]

Now, I've decided to just love this man in the way God wants me to love him (mercy, gracefulness, unconditional love) even if he decides to break up with me. I think if the relationship doesn't work out, it's God telling me that I deserve a man who is able to forgive and accept my past.

Here we've arrived at the most important point.

Instead of resenting my bf for withdrawing from me, I feel that I just need to love him and pray for him during this difficult time. Even if it doesn't work out between us, I will continue to pray for him to find his future wife who happens to fit all the things he is looking for and is also a virgin. Is this the right thing to do?

Of course, and you are to be commended for taking this view. Most would not do the same.

Should I do anything to reach out and help my man during this difficult time as he tries to process the new information?

I'd say you should stay in touch. By staying open and supportive of him despite everything, you are not only acting in a Christlike manner but you are letting him be the captain of his own feelings. If he comes to his senses and chooses not to abandon a relationship the likes of which he may never experience again, you will have helped make that possible. If, on the other hand, he doesn't respond that way, you won't have to wonder if you could have done something more but did not.

 

[Marenity]

Hey applefaceee, I think you have the right attitude in this situation and you should also not feel guilty about anything. Everybody was a sinner before meeting the grace of God, and you turned away from your sins so there is nothing more you can do. Your value is not defined by the fact of being virgin or non-virgin, but your value is defined by your idendity in Christ and this guy should see it the same way. If someone loves you, he loves you for who you are today and not for who you were in your past

 

[Mudinyeri]

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone ...."

Although your current boyfriend was "hurt," it doesn't seem, based on your narrative, that he's ready to end the relationship. With that said, he has demonstrated some obvious insecurities that will continue to crop up throughout your relationship ... should the two of you decided to continue.

My wife and I went through this exact same thing when we were dating. She was the virgin and simply could not let go of the fact that I was not. I decided to break off the relationship. We broke up for a couple weeks but God brought us back together. We've now been married for 24 years.

 

[Darkhorse]

You're on the right track (of course; God is the best navigator).

Your bf has a lot of spiritual growing and maturing to do.

 

[Catherineanne]

Should I do anything to reach out and help my man during this difficult time as he tries to process the new information?

Yes. Consider whether you want to spend your whole life on a pedestal, trying to be perfect enough for this paragon of all the virtues, or whether you prefer to find a human being with human frailties who tries his best, as you have tried your best.

Nobody can sustain perfect forever; do you really want to try? If you have children, do you want them to be held to this unattainable standard of perfection, or do you want them to be free to make mistakes from time to time, in their own way, and to be forgiven when they do?

It is your choice.

 

[applefaceee]

Just an update. We've gotten past this and he now believes that my honesty towards him and how much I value this relationship are more important than a past that cannot be changed. After all, now I pursue holiness and God with all my heart and he finds this more attractive than anything else. God hates sin (any sort) and in his eyes, all sins are equally hateful and who hasn't sinned as a human? I would say that we both learnt a lot after this trial, especially how God wants us to love, forgive and place him in the centre of everything we do.

We are waiting until marriage to engage in any sort of physical touch and just enjoying our time together to connect emotionally and spiritually. This relationship feels entirely different from the one past relationship I had with that non-Christian person. Now that I look back, this current relationship has taught me what love feels like while I was simply blinded by the physical aspect of the past relationship and just enjoyed the pursuit of the first man in my life without considering how it might honour God. For example, now I can't hold eye contact without turning red and laughing, enjoying those silent moments together, feeling emotionally in tune and being able to know what the other person is going to say or think, growing together and talking about everything in life on a deeper level, feeling my heart flutter with any sort of sweet romantic talk. I never experienced those things before (most likely because I was only infatuated with the non-Christian person rather than actually feeling a selfless kind of love and the faith in God to bless our relationship).

 

[Waterwerx]

The only deception that occurred was that he deceived himself with assumptions. Being a virgin is not a prerequisite to eligibility for marriage. Under OT laws, the offenders would have been required to marry, but Christ fulfilled the Law with His sacrifice, so that through His Grace we don't end up permanently wrecking our lives with past mistakes.

 

[evoeth]

I think if the relationship doesn't work out, it's God telling me that I deserve a man who is able to forgive and accept my past.

"If the relationship doesn't work out." You mean if he dumps you?

You actually deserve a man who is able to accept your past regardless of whether your boyfriend decides to end the relationship.