Best Relational Book

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

What was/is the best book about relationships you've read?

Mine would be Boundaries Before Marriage/In Dating (depends on your country as to which title is used) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I think it is the most thorough, most concise, most accurate Christian book about healthy dating patterns I've ever read.

It does into what dating healthily means, how to handle disagreement, how to discuss things without avoidance, honesty, how to avoid dating people you wouldn't be friends with, how to be angry in a healthy way, etc etc. So many books (ie Harris, Ludy, etc) take a more simplistic 'Let God handle it all' approach, which I find can be quite risky if you aren't helping people to actually relate well to their partner in the first place!

I HIGHLY recommend this book to ANY couple, regardless of whether you're getting to know each other, dating, courting or engaged.

I wish I could give each of you a copy. It would be the best book you'd ever read about how to be a mature, developed, sensible, Christian adult in a relationship.

Sasch

 

[mt_joy]

I liked "His Needs, Her Needs." It's really good. And for guys lookign for insight into women, "If He Only Knew" is great.

Joy
MT Student

 

[Cherub8]

I liked reading Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. He is very straight-forward. I think it is a good book for both genders, probably best for ages 15 to 25.

So many books (ie Harris, Ludy, etc) take a more simplistic 'Let God handle it all' approach, which I find can be quite risky if you aren't helping people to actually relate well to their partner in the first place!

I'm not sure I understand. Could you explain?

 

[TJMan2050]

Boundaries in dating is definitly good

 

[ardeur]

I liked "Every Young Woman's Battle." I would recommend this book to young women, not only as an excellent resource for learning how to keep your relationships Christ-centered, but also for a good understanding as to how the female body, spirit, mind, and emotions work. I devoured it in one day. I'm moving on to "Every Woman's Battle" now.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I second the applause for the 'battle' books - very good (including the men's one as well!)... The Every Man books are from these as well, and are awesome - Every Man's Marriage has been highly recommended to me from a lot of people.

And what I meant by that comment, Cherub, was just that I found those books were all about 'leaving it in God's hands' (the Ludy ones in particular) or just how to stay pure, which is all well and good but isn't teaching you about how to handle yourself maturely in relationships - they don't discuss things like Anger Management, Self Control (not just sexually, but in every form), Conflict Resolution, Honesty or even just basic communication - things that ALL young people need to know before entering a relationship.

They just seemed to focus too much on being completely reliant on God to provide you with a good relationship and sexual purity, for my liking. As I said before, there's nothing completely wrong with that, but if that's all you're focussing on, you're leaving yourself exposed to lots of hurt, and remaining immature in your relationships.

Sasch

 

[ScarletRubies]

I just happen to have one of mine on the desk with me right now... I Married You by Walter Trobisch. I highly recommend it. Also, If Only He KNew and For Better of For Best by Gary Smalley. Mu husband and I really got a lot out of them, and also enjoy H. Norman Wright's Quiet Times For Couples devotional.

In any event, I think reading ANY book and talking together about what you're reading is a great way to find out what your spouse/to be believes or values.

Cheers,
Ruby

 

[eyeliv4God]

Wow, I'll have to take a look at some of these books!

 

[Cherub8]

They just seemed to focus too much on being completely reliant on God to provide you with a good relationship and sexual purity, for my liking. As I said before, there's nothing completely wrong with that, but if that's all you're focussing on, you're leaving yourself exposed to lots of hurt, and remaining immature in your relationships.

What else must we be reliant on? Be specific, please.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

As I said, it's well and good to say 'leave it up to God', but seriously - most of us need some practical advice on how to have a healthy relationship, and a lot of families and churches have let our young people down on how to do this, so sometimes we need to turn to books to get it. Just leaving God to lead you to the right person, or being sexually pure, is not teaching you HOW to be a mature, responsible adult in a relationship. It's the greatest issue on my heart right now - getting young people information within a biblical framework to becoming the healthy spouses God wants us to be ('us' being those that are to be married in the future, not ALL Christians)...

I did not find Ludy's books, or Harris' books completely beneficial. Yes, they had some good advice about remaining pure, and yes they were good examples on putting God first in a relationship - but I find most young people I'm in contact with are searching out HOW to have a healthy relationship, how to BE a healthy partner and how to LOVE healthily. I found that most young adults (myself included) who are looking for this kind of information, felt a bit 'ripped off' after reading the afore-mentioned books.

Here are the chapters of the Boundaries in Dating (also called Boundaries Before Marriage) book - there's not many Christian books out there that are THIS thorough!

PART ONE: YOU AND YOUR BOUNDARIES

1. Why Boundaries in Dating?
2. Require and Embody Truth
3. Take God on a Date
4. Dating Won't Cure a Lonely Heart
5. Don't Repeat the Past

PART TWO: WHOM SHOULD I DATE?

6. What You Can Live With and What You Can't Live With
7. Don't Fall in Love With Someone You Wouldn't Be Friends With
8. Don't Ruin a Friendship Out of Loneliness
9. Beware When Opposites Attract

PART THREE: SOLVING DATING PROBLEMS: WHEN YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM

10. Adapt Now, Pay Later
11. Too Much, Too Fast
12. Don't Get Kidnapped
13. Kiss False Hope Goodbye
14. Boundaries on Blame


As you can see, this book goes FAR beyond just staying pure, and relying on God. It provides practical, hands-on advice on how to pursue a relationship, how to protect both of you, and how to help resolve problems that YOU bring to a relationship. Most young people I see around the place would be wise to read at least part one of this book - a lot I see around have issues with loneliness, past problems reoccurring in new relationships and being completely honest with themselves, God and their partner.

Some people have issues with this book because it goes beyond 'God says it's wrong' when it comes to sex. It focusses a lot more on the emotional and psychological fallout of getting intimate too fast, and I've seen a lot of people get upset that it doesn't just focus on it being a sin. I personally believe, that you need to go more than 'oh it's a sin' to help people understand why physical intimacies such as sex can be highly dangerous outside of a married relationship.

Just my $0.2 again!

And if you're wanting a workbook to accompany it - just PM me, and I know a woman who has written a pretty darn impressive companion to it!

Sasch

 

[ardeur]

My mom bought "Boundaries in Dating" several years ago. I picked it up once, but for some reason, whatever I read in it began to bore me so I put it down. I should take another look at it since I am now in a realtionship.

 

[EmSchmem]

One that I knew no one would mention is Spiritual Relationships That Last by Gary DeLashmutt and Dennis McCallum. I knew no one would mention it becuase few have heard of it. The guys are the Senior Pastors of my church. Whenever I've lent it to anyone, they always ask to keep it longer and end up swinging by our church our one of the local bookstores for a copy. You can do a search for it online or go to www.xenos.org

 

[sweetmercy]

Boundaries in Dating IS an awesome book...it helped me get a grip on myself when I found myself getting too emotionally intimate in my last relationship. I realized that there's a problem with not only getting too physical too fast, but also with overcommiting yourself too early in a relationship. It helped me set boundaries that I know will be useful in my next relationship.

Jen

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I love Elizabeth Elliot's Passion & Purity and Joshua Harris' Boy Meets Girl.

 

[Cherub8]

I can see where you're coming from Sacsha, but I'm skeptical. I just do not see how a couple can go wrong when they are depending on God alone. But, being as I've never gone past the "tentative engagement" stage, I suppose I'll have to wait and see, and form a more qualified opinion based on future experiences. Thank you for your perspective.

 

[tyberium]

This is a book for guys to read to help us with our walk with God and helps to explain the bible's view of the role of men in the relationship.

Tender Warrior by Stu Weber

 

[InTheFlame]

I can see where you're coming from Sacsha, but I'm skeptical. I just do not see how a couple can go wrong when they are depending on God alone.

I think you've got a very good point - and I think in a certain sense you're right - a couple won't go wrong when they're depending on God ALONE. The problem is, how often does this actually happen?

In everyday life, the vast majority of us rely mostly on what we've learnt in the past, to guide us in our actions, our reactions, and our understanding of what someone means by their actions toward us. So where did we learn this stuff from?

- Holy Spirit
- Bible
- Parents
- Teachers
- Ministers
- Friends
- Work Colleagues
- Siblings
- TV
- Movies
- Books
- University Lecturers

With God's help, we can go through what we've learnt throughout our lives and glean the 'wheat' - the truthful stuff - and discard the 'chaff' - the lies we've absorbed as truth. ALL of us have absorbed lies as truth, at some stage. It's an ongoing process to examine it all for GOD'S truth.

Here's some examples of lies and partial truths -
- Get married and live happily ever after (courtesy of Disney - eg. Cinderella)
- if you don't marry you're a failure (often courtesy of our mothers)
- love means taking all the consequences for someone else's bad behaviour
- sex should occur early in a relationship
- love is all about passion and sex
- marriage will change a relationship for the better
- love is a warm feeling somewhere between your stomach and your groin
- love means never having to say you're sorry
- being 'in love' is a good reason to get married

... and there's so many more! And people don't even _realise_ that they've learnt these things... they just assume they're true! And that's where Boundaries in Dating comes in... it shows up these lies and half-truths as the dangerous things they are, and helps people walk through a Godly understanding of how to build a healthy relationship.

I don't understand why someone wouldn't seek to increase their knowledge in the area of relationships, just as they would in any area important to them. Would that imply some sort of distrust in God? Surely reading a devotional to help one's understanding of a verse in the bible doesn't imply a lack of reliance on God? Surely reading a book like 'Where is God When It Hurts?' or listening to a minister's sermon doesn't imply a lack of dependence on God?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

^^ What she said...

My mum had those 'Love Is...' books, and even at 10 I remember thinking - THAT'S NOT LOVE! And don't get me started on Love Story - 'love means never having to say you're sorry...' puhlease :rolls eyes:

Anyway, I'll stop preaching, but seriously...

If we want to be the loving, holy healthy people God wants us to be in relationships (not just romantic ones, but work ones, family ones, friendly ones, etc), why shouldn't we be trying to find out the Biblical way of handling these relationships, and adapting our behaviour accordingly to be able to say 'I have a healthy, God-honouring, respectful relationship'?

I'm sorry if anyone thought I was 'poo-poohing' the idea of being reliant on God - I didn't mean that. I simply get frustrated when people forget that God has given us a brain, that should be itching to be filled with wisdom, and decide to just 'let God lead the way', when some simple study on what our purpose in life is, and how to grow into a whole person, could save them a lot of heartache!

God gave me a brain, and a heart - and I think he expects me to use them to their fullest (and healthiest) potential! If that means doing some study on relationships, and becoming a healthy, well-adjusted, mature adult so that I AM the wife God wishes me to be one day - so be it! Don't just focus on 'who is the one for me' - get focussed on who God wants YOU to be

Sasch

 

[Cherub8]

I'm sorry if anyone thought I was 'poo-poohing' the idea of being reliant on God - I didn't mean that. I simply get frustrated when people forget that God has given us a brain, that should be itching to be filled with wisdom, and decide to just 'let God lead the way', when some simple study on what our purpose in life is, and how to grow into a whole person, could save them a lot of heartache!

God gave me a brain, and a heart - and I think he expects me to use them to their fullest (and healthiest) potential! If that means doing some study on relationships, and becoming a healthy, well-adjusted, mature adult so that I AM the wife God wishes me to be one day - so be it! Don't just focus on 'who is the one for me' - get focussed on who God wants YOU to be

Sasch

All wisdom comes from God; whe two cannot be separated. Agreed?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Agreed - so what's the problem in using the brain that he gave me to study and learn more about the person he wants me to be?

There's 'leaving it all up to God', and not taking time to 'mature up' in my faith, instead just praying and expect God to 'put it all in place for me'... Believe me - I see A LOT of people like this!

Then there's putting my future into God's hands, but being active in pursuing psychological, emotional and spiritual growth in myself - in the hope that this makes me a well-rounded adult, able to handle the things that get thrown at me during my life.

Guess which camp I come from?