Being too nice?

[Koss]

There are few things that I feel I have done wrong in the beginning of my relationship.. This is my first time having a very intimate relationship with a girl (not by choice, but by God's grace ) and I am very unexperienced in practice.

Of course I was very very glad and happy.. very grateful for the girl. I was willing to do anything and give everything for the girl. So in the beginning of the relationship, I have done so much wonderful things to dazzle her and win her favor. Now after three months of courting her, I am afraid if I have spoiled her.

She sometimes acts like my time for her is limitless. Many times I have changed my schedule and cancelled plans to make time for her - I still do, but her attitude is like "of course I should do least that much to make time for her". This kinda starts to bother me. One time she did confess that she started to feel upset when I forget to do the nice things for her such as running to car and opening doors and etc.

I don't mind doing favors and going out of my way to do nice things for her, but it does bother me that she starts to take it granted and it bothers her when I forget to do these things. Have I spoiled her? Is there a way to remedy this situation?

 

[rocklife]

Is she a christian? You should be able to honestly talk with her. These little misunderstandings can really build up if you two aren't in harmony.

From my own experiences with many people, selfishness and christianity do not go together, those who embrace selfishness won't change unless they ask the Savior of sins to save them from this sin (selfishness).

 

[Koss]

Yes, she's a very devout Christian but spoiling can happen to everyone!

My friends had warned me about being too nice to girls ~_~

 

[lunalinda]

Yes, in my opinion I think it's possible that you've spoiled her. But it happens. I unfortunately can't think of too good a remedy, though. What's happened (it seems) is that she's gotta accustomed to how you've treated her. She's not taking you for granted and if she is, she's not aware that she is. For all she knows, how you've treated her is just who you are, not what you do to win her over. I was in her shoes several times, and yes, if a guy does enough nice things for me, I automatically want to assume that he's doing those things because he WANTS to, not because he wants to gain points. Unfortunately, one of the guys I was with was treating me nicely to gain points, and when it stopped, I didn't know what to conclude other than he's gotten bored with me. He would deny it, but still. But that was a failed relationship. The current guy spoiled me too, and still has his moments. Now I didn't take him for granted, but it was difficult to adjust to the times when he wouldn't do those things for me anymore. It leads a girl to ask "Okay, so am I not worth it anymore?" Even if that is the furthest away from the truth, it doesn't mean it won't cross a girl's mind.

So all I CAN suggest is that you be gradual if you're gonna decrease the nice things you do for her. If you've done so many good things for a girl so often, then chances are you've already inadvertently told her that this would be the norm. What you have to do now is still show her that she's important to you without always having to resort to the nice things. Maybe to her, those nice things were your primary way of showing how important she is. Try other things. That's why I always tell guys to please BE CAREFUL when he wants to do nice things for me, that he does them only because he WANTS to do it, not because he hopes to gain some ground. Yes, we females can be quite difficult, I know. I too (just like your girl) got upset when this newest guy was "slipping up." Girls have expectations from guys who are interested in them, and sometimes, those guys CREATE those expectations, or even add to the already existent list. When a guy spoils me silly, he's causing me to expect that behavior all the time. I'm not suggesting that a guy SHOULDN'T treat me nice. All I suggest is that his treatment of me does not mutate into "chores."

I dunno if that helps...probably not hehe, but I figured it would be a nice perspective. She's probably just thinking that your feelings for her aren't as strong, since as I said, your portrayal of your feelings were expressed through all of those particular actions. Just work on some other things that will show her what she means to you. Don't be too nice, and if you wanna be nice, be nice because it's YOU and it's natural, not because you SHOULD be nice. (oyyy does that make sense?) My ex never lived up to these words of his, but I still think they hold true. He said, "When you start doing good things for women, don't stop." As I said, he didn't live up to his own speeches, but I still think those words hold true. And believe me, if she feels strongly for you as I assume she does, she'll be understanding. Even upset girls can be understanding if you're patient enough with them and talk to them. Best wishes.

 

[AngylBelle]

Haha, my guy did the same to me. Let me tell you, you need to speak with her because I guaruntee she does not realize how her behavior seems selfish. She doesn't know any better because you treated her a certain way for so long that now she believes that to be "normal." You made the mistake of putting on a show trying to impress her by putting up a facade that most definately cannot last forever. So now what?

Talk to her! Tell her that you feel in order to have a healthy relationship you can't be at her beckon call. She will appreciate you more when she misses you. It will also make the little things you do, like opening a car door, special again.

Perhaps part of the problem is her having too much free time?? This was an issue with me and my bf because as soon as my summer vacation started, I assumed that when he had free time from work we would be together. Why? Because I was bored and had nothing better to do...as pathetic as that sounds. Now I am working and he is the one begging for more time from me!

Discuss with her the fact that you feel you are taking each other for granted and ask her opinion on how to fix it. If she disagrees with you seeing each other too much already, ask her to pray about it with you.

This is the problem with overly "impressing" the person you are interested in...eventually it becomes more work than pleasure. We've all been guilty of this at some point so don't feel bad. Just pray that she will be understanding when you bring it up.

Blessings!

 

[InTheFlame]

There's a difference between 'nice' and spoiling someone - as you've found out! Loving someone requires that we don't put up with bad behaviour... it helps them slide downhill spiritually if we do.

Here's a couple of things that occur to me...

- Prayerfully consider your attitude towards courting and marriage. Courting isn't about winning someone over with lots of superficial 'dazzle'. It's about getting to know each other below the surface that you present to others. It's about working out if someone would make a good partner for life. It's about working out what you have to offer - ie, what your qualities and strengths are (and your faults).

- You have presented yourself in a way that is, in a way, dishonest. Are you prepared to do this stuff every day/week/month for the rest of your life? No? Then stop. Do things which you ARE prepared to keep doing long-term.

- Sit down with her and work out what's important to each of you, and what gets each of you feeling loved. These things need to be ranked according to importance to the person. Then, schedule your times together. Work out how many hours a week is practical and sensible for you to spend together. Put those times in your diaries as together time. NEVER book anything else for these times.