Being left out....

[aflower4God]

...in my own home.
See I live in a boarding home. Sadly most of the tenants aren't the nicest. Well three of them are in their 20's and one is in his early 30's. they all group among themselves and all 4 of them are very worldly into drinking beer and hanging out at bars. The "new ring leader" is now the girl who is sleeping with the married tenant (the landlord can't stand her cause she breaks the rules that the Landlord has placed). The tenants think that she is cool cause of the way she dresses and the makeup she wears (like hollywood) The newer tenant is Muslim and he has been having a "thing" going on with the ring leader (the girl) now. He use to be better (kinder) before he got with that girl (the new ring leader)
Anyway they hang out with each other time to time and I feel like I am worthless. See here is why i feel this way; all my life I was always the outcast, the odd one out, the loser, the one who was left out. It got so bad that I had panic attacks at so many jobs that I had that I quit them, my panic attacks got so bad that I could not go back to work. I got very depressed about this too. I just can't seem to cope with being left out, I was never taught how to cope with that, never taught how to love myself and not give a hoot about others. See I always think it is me the issue is ME, ME, ME, being left out is a reminder that I am so majorly defective, that I don't have a right to be alive, that I need to make room for those who are worth something. Trust me that girl who slept with the married tenant and is buddy buddy with the Muslim tenant, reminds me of that all the time, she always looks down on me. I tried to express my feelings about this to my only offline friend and roommate (thank GOD for her cause if she didn't' live in this home I would have been LONG GONE, long ago), but this doesn't bother her so much, lucky her! She shrugs it off. She use to be a part of a church group when she was younger, so she felt a sense of belonging. Also my only offline friend seems to not mind that "ring leader" girl, I think it is cause my only offline friend is more worldly than me. But my male online bestie see's the light about that girl tenant in this home. He has been VERY supportive through my nightly rants about this girl and this home in general!
Anyway, this being left out here in this home has affected me for some time now, that I dreams of self harm, in those dreams I blame myself and beat myself badly. I have not had dreams like that before, I have been having those recurring dreams for the last year.
Good news with all of this, I am going to see my new counselor in the Middle of May, I am VERY excited about that!
I guess I am seeking kind, gentle advice here, Advice from God, I guess I am asking what would God say to me, if that makes sense? He was the outcasted too, maybe not as badly as i was but He was mocked, beaten and ridiculed. There has to be a way that God would want me to deal with this.
Trust me I have tried everything. I even tried to avoid them as with my panic disorder that is the best. I tried to talk to them and strike up a conversation, even with the ring leader girl, but I get panicky around her. And now i don't feel comfortable around that Muslim guy cause of the way he is so different towards me ever since he started to get close to that girl.
Please pray for me too, PEACE, and yes I am doing everything I can to move out of here, with or without my only offline friend. I want to be out of here by June 1st at the latest. As my dear strong Christian online male bestie friend says, this how has worn its welcome and it has been high time for me to move on.
One last thing, if you want to know why I haven't moved out already, cause I got evicted of my last apartment over 6 years ago and I am still getting notices to this day from that place that I owe money for the months that I did NOT live in that apartment, that makes it next to impossible to move into a SAFE apt. BUT I believe with God anything is possible He can work a mircle to move out to a nice safe place! Please pray for that. Thank you.

 

[Fortran]

I can't offer much advice but I will be praying for you.

 

[aflower4God]

I can't offer much advice but I will be praying for you.

That is okay my dear sweet sister. Thank you so much for your prayers! Prayers are awesome! God bless you sister!

 

[Jeshu]

Keep praying for these people Flower, God has put you there so that you can pray for their salvation, not for you to feel bad because you are not like them - it is very good that you are not like them because otherwise you would be living a lost life as well.

Find your self-esteem in Christ Flower, not in how other people are, you are precious in His sight and He has called you to do His work.

Don't let bad reports about the other tenants bother you, but rather love them unconditionally and keep praying for their salvation.

Just know that their lifestyle is empty and leads to more and more emptiness, as they give themselves over to the impulses of their flesh and not to the directions of our God.

Please concentrate on growing a loving and caring heart Flower, it will make you much more beautiful than them.

God's blessing with all this.

 

[aflower4God]

Keep praying for these people Flower, God has put you there so that you can pray for their salvation, not for you to feel bad because you are not like them - it is very good that you are not like them because otherwise you would be living a lost life as well.

Find your self-esteem in Christ Flower, not in how other people are, you are precious in His sight and He has called you to do His work.

Don't let bad reports about the other tenants bother you, but rather love them unconditionally and keep praying for their salvation.

Just know that their lifestyle is empty and leads to more and more emptiness, as they give themselves over to the impulses of their flesh and not to the directions of our God.

Please concentrate on growing a loving and caring heart Flower, it will make you much more beautiful than them.

God's blessing with all this.

awwwwwwwwwww Thank you dear brother, You are always so wise with your advice! God bless you my friend much love to you (((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))

 

[Chococat]

Sorry for not replying sooner Petal but I've not been on CF much lately. First off I am so sorry that these tenants are getting you down.

I can relate to how you feel as I have often been left out by people and it does hurt. Still Jeshu has given you excellent advice and I don't think there is anything I can really add to it apart from saying that if those other tenants are so shallow do you really want to hang out with them? I know I wouldn't! In fact if they started asking me to go drinking and partying with them I would have a problem in that I would be wondering how I could get out of it without offending them!

As Jeshu also said your self worth is to be found in God not people. People in the world will hurt you and let you down but God never will. As a Christian you are a Child of God the Creator Himself and God does not make junk. Jesus died for you so He certainly doesn't think you are worthless.

Also, and I hope you won't be hurt by this but I really do wish you'd stop believing the Devil's lies about being "worthless" and that you should leave this world. YOU HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE HERE AS ANYONE ELSE!!! Also by saying these things you are hurting not only yourself but all your friends who love you, myself included. You need to concentrate on the people who love and care for you not the ones who won't give you the time of day. Those other tenants are just not worth making yourself miserable over and certainly not worth harming yourself over. Just remember God loves you and there are many of us here who love you too.